Not A Saint (ENGLISH VERSION)

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©2021 NOT A SAINT written by JL Dane

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-CELESTINE-

IT WAS as if an atomic bomb had exploded in my ear and left me deaf. How many times do I repeat in my mind what he said just to sink everything in? He did so much worse. Then, he would tell me in front of my face that he loves me. He's not worth loving.

"Liar! Why would I believe in your lies?" If Bellevera loved me, he would never let me suffer and would let me do what I wanted. He should let me be happy.

I tap his chest a few times and he just accepted it as if he was saying the truth of what he told me.

"I tried my best, Celestine. But every time I open my eyes, I can't believe I am falling hard. I also can't believe myself that I just don't like you anymore."

The corner of my lips lifted slightly for a grin. "I want to laugh at what you say, Bellevera. I am so desperate to have a normal life. It's not like you're going to sleep after you said this. Do you know how painful it was to me?" Of course, he didn't know how much pain because he wasn't a woman. He has just used his pet to enter every woman whom he likes. But the feeling of sympathy he could never afford to give it.

He hugged me tightly, even though I was struggling in his arms. I don't love him and even if he confesses to me, nothing will change. He still looks dirty and I am just one of his toys that he can change.

I pushed him away with all my might. I didn't even realize the tears were flowing in my eyes that they shouldn't. I shouldn't cry for him, not unless he's dead.

He just shook his head and then hugged me again as if in the hug he could console my feelings. Whatever he does will never change everything.

"Don't touch me." I pushed him once more.

He broke the hug from me, but when I looked into his eyes, I was surprised by the dark look he was throwing at me.

"Don't even think you're clean!" He pushed me down on the carpet and brought my two hands above my head. "You think you are clean? It's not fit on you to be clean."

I got shocked when he greeted my neck with a kiss like a vampire sucking fresh blood and I'm sure that would leave a mark.

"What have you done?"

"Let's just see if any other men will approach you and even the woman you'll say is your girl might hate you as well. You're mine, Celestine, and that can't be changed."

I looked away when he took off the clothes I was wearing. He tore my top, and I just stared blankly into the distance, waiting for him to finish what he wanted to do.

I am tired. I was too exhausted to run away from him. I know I won't win, but I want to have an ordinary life. I am not his slave. It was as if I was trapped in a cage that I knew I had made.

There were no longer any clothes wrapped around my body, I just waited for him to take off the clothes as well and our bodies will be closed again as one until he get satisfied.

"Fvck! Why didn't tell me you had your period?" I am surprised and didn't expect it. Deserves him.

Maybe it was because of the stress that I didn't realize it was coming today. But it didn't stop him from taking me. He was like a man who was always lu. stful in the fle. sh and I could no longer understand what love he was saying. I thought my period will save me but it was useless for him. It will never change the fact that he likes my body and nothing else, not even love.

He stood up and went straight to his bathroom without even thinking about me. I sat down and pulled on the clothes, then covered my na. kedness.

There has never been a sensible man in the world. They are just promises, broken promises I could have changed, but the kind of Bellevera, it is close to impossible.

"Get dressed. There are clothes in my room," he said when he returned and brought a bathrobe, passing it to me. "Take your things away. One week is enough, I guess."

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I quietly just picked up the bathrobe he throw on the floor. I want the tears to dry in my eyes. It won't stop me from despising him. I despise him and I will never like him. Never.

In my situation, I look like prey. He is the animal to me, hunting on its prey. I am just pitiful prey. I wish I had di. ed before I met those men in my life.

I did what he said. Upon entering the room, there was a pair of bikinis and a knitted long sleeve dress. I had a sanitary napkin, but it was in my car and only a few paper bills were in my pants.

I went straight to the bathroom, still carrying the clothes. That's where I just made a way to cover up my period.

I AM FULLY Dressed while my clothes were in the paper bag. I speak to him first before I finally leave his unit. "Just let me go, Bellevera. So that you will get no complaints from me anymore."

I saw him holding his laptop and browsing some articles and I didn't check what it was. I went straight out without waiting for his reaction.

I don't know how long we will be like this. All I know is he makes it hard for me. Sometimes I just want to die and forget it all, but what about my mom? My mom wanted a good life for me, a life I don't think I will ever have. My dream life seems unlikely to come true.

In the hospital where Karina was, I ask the taxi cab to drop me there. I don't think Bellevera will follow me again after being disappointed that I have my period. I also don't know if I will be able to contact him as he said. I don't want to contact him either. But even if I go to hell, he will follow me.

I have nothing to hide from him anymore. He already knows that I am a lesbian and Karina is my girl, but I don't know how to deal with him still.

I went to the bathroom first to fix myself before I went to meet Karina. My hair hid the mark Bellevera left on my neck. If Karina sees this, she will ask me. In fact, I don't know Karina that well yet but I think I can consider her as a friend for now. She is not a woman who is difficult to get along with, like Bellevera.

"How's your mom?" I asked when I saw her sitting in the hallway.

"Are you okay? Have you talked with him?" she asked in astonishment.

I just nodded at her question. "I'm going home. Just tell me what time I will pick you up or if you don't want me to drop you, just don't contact me in the meantime," I said, turning away my walk away.

"Yes. I'll let you know. Take a rest."

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I am already riding in the car. I drop to a store of wine and alcoholic beverages. My heart had to harden so I wouldn't be hurt again.

When I got home, I immediately unwrapped the wine and drink it up. I don't know what will happen tomorrow or the next day. I want to forget it all for a moment.

I drank the brandy, the strong one. It might erase all the bitter memories I felt. I want to go to Mexico or wherever my dad's family is. I want to stay there for good, but how about my mom? If I leave my mom here, what if she is the one to be in danger?

I poured the brandy directly into my mouth while I was outside and gazing at the beautiful glitter of the stars. Looks like there is no storm today. The breeze is still cold even though I was wearing a thick jacket and a blanket at my feet. Only three days left before new year's eve. He is still not succeeding in getting us married. Good.

I looked at the sky again. Wide, bright, and seemingly uncluttered. The stars are dancing in the brilliance and the moon is as bright as the new morning giving brilliance to the night. How I wish I can watch this night with the person I love. I have a lot of things I want to do but because of Bellevera, I can't even do anything. I also wanted to live to the fullest as others wanted and not what other people wanted me to be.

I closed my eyes and let the gentle air of the breeze embrace my body. I wish when I open my eyes again, a wonderful future will come my way.

A few shakes from my shoulder woke me up. I slowly opened my eyes and Karina's face greeted me.

"Good morning, my love."

I even crumpled my eyes just to make sure that Karina was the one who greeted me, my love.

She was smiling and her eyes were glowing as if I was the only creature she could see in this world. Now I can see how beautiful Karina is. It's like soon I wanted to die in her arms. I wanted to be imprisoned in her arms and to think that there was no tomorrow. Hopefully, there would be no other person in the world if it weren't for the two of us. Flittering under the moonlight sky as our skin's glowing from the light and we will never let go until the sunrise. "Celes! Celes!"

Everything is just a dream. Because I found myself almost drowning when I fell into the pool and Karina saved my life.