Nadir

Martha and mum wanted to pack Nandy’s clothes but I told them that I would do it myself. My heart is hurting but I don’t have any other alternative because at the end of the day, this is the best for the both of us.

I look at her, she is comfortably curled up in the only seat in the room. I just wish she could say something, at least let me know how she is feeling even if they are hurtful feelings I just want to know what exactly she is going through.

When done, I sit next to her, and my heart is aching because this feels like goodbye.

‘Babe.’ I begin before taking a deep breath.

‘I have tried everything humanly possible, waiting for you to get back to normal. I have tried everything in my power to hold on but I guess there is nothing that I can ever do that will make you better. I guess it’s beyond me.’

I can feel the tears building up, I want to cry badly but also I avoid doing so in her presence.

I get her hands and place them in mine, breathing out some more before I can open my mouth again.

‘Nandy I love you so much. And honestly I understand the pain because I have walked with you, I know exactly how you feel. I wish there is more that I could do for you but there is isn’t that is why I will let the doctors give you professional help because you need it.’

I look into her eyes hoping she gets it and somehow responds but there is nothing that comes from her.

‘This is not goodbye, I love you with a passion and everything in me but I need to let you go Nandy. I hate that I need to start my life all over again and this time without you but it is time for me to pick up the broken pieces and start afresh.’

By this time the tears are falling uncontrollably.

‘I have died a number of times with you by my side and still the light hasn’t seeped in yet. I have been living in this dark alley. I have been waiting for you my love.’

I pause again allowing more tears to fall and I think of the night I met her and Jackie. The night we went back home together and I allowed her to sleep in my bed because she was wasted, the look on her face the following morning when I walked into the room and she wondered if something had happened between us. I look back to the first days of our relationship, our intimate moments together, how I fit so perfectly into her and the joy I felt when we discovered that we were pregnant.

I am brought out of my reverie when there is a knock at the door.

‘Come in.’ I say wiping the tears away.

‘We need to go.’ Martha says.

I carry the case and hold Nandy by the hand, we walk to the car and I make sure she is comfortably seated and buckled in before going to the driver’s seat. Martha and mum are driving behind us and I know how worried they are.

The drive Is quiet except for the soft sniffles that are coming from me. I honestly wish we were given another chance because this just doesn’t feel right.

The drive takes close to an hour because it is in the outskirts of Lusaka. The environment just like the doctor had mentioned is beautiful. The gardens are well maintained and I can see people who look like patients dressed in white outfits being attended to by men and women in blue. I know this because all the information was sent to me before I could finally make a decision.

I find us a parking spot and wait for Martha to catch up before getting out of the car.

‘I am tired.’

I turn to look at Nandy. She hasn’t spoken in two years.

‘Babe.’

‘Joshua I want to go home, I am tired.’

‘Yes yes, we can go home. We don’t have to do this.’ I say tears in my eyes.

She shakes her head.

‘I want to go home to the boys.’

‘Babe what are you saying?’

‘I am tired, there is no reason for me to be here any more.’

I don’t know if I have ever been this scared in my life because I can see her life varnishing before my eyes.

‘Nandy you can’t do this to me.’

‘You have been everything that I could ever ask for, you have been kind. You have been loving, you have been the best that any woman would ever want in a man but I am tired and I don’t think I can hold on any longer.’

‘If not for you then for me.’

Tears roll down her eyes.

‘Nandy please, you can’t do this to me.’

‘I love you Joshua and I will forever be grateful but you need to live your life to the fullest. I could never recover from this, I could never come back from this. I have died so many times I have nothing left in me.’

‘It took you two years to say a word to me and now you are just going to leave?’

‘There is a surge of energy that comes just before the end, my time is here.’ She whispers as she struggles to breathe.

‘Baby.’

‘Live your life Joshua, live.’

..

Kwenje’s Girl

Winnie

🙇🏾‍♀️