Nadir

Days have been moving really slow, it has been a week from the time I buried the twins yet it feels like it was just yesterday. I look at the time and it’s 2 in the morning, I have been in bed the whole day my body feels like it’s getting ill but I care less because right now I don’t have anything to live for. Dragging myself out of bed, I walk to the kitchen to see if I can find something to eat. I am starving and even though I would love to go another day without food my body can’t take it anymore.

Without switching on the lights I walk there and open the refrigerator, there are three bowls, one with pasta, another has butter chicken and the last one has a salad. I put some pasta and the stew on a plate and put it in the microwave, the food is heating up when the light kitchen light goes on I have to shut my eyes a little because I don’t want any light.

‘I heard noise.’ Martha says apologetically

She has been walking on egg shells and if anything I wish they could cut her feet because I am not about to forgive her.

The food has heated up so I remove it from the microwave, I add a salad on the plate and make myself a cup of juice before settling down on one of the kitchen chairs.

‘Nandy I wish you could just talk to me, this silence is killing me.’

I lift my eyes and look at her.

‘Maybe that was a wrong choice of words but I just want you to know that.’

I put the fork down and look at her with piercing eyes.

‘Nandy I am sorry.’

‘Martha I don’t need you to be sorry, if anything I could have appreciated if you were honest with me. I just need you to be true.’

‘I left Peggy’s house because I discovered that Joshua was married and she knew.’

‘How did she know?’

She sighs deeply.

‘If we are going to have this conversation I would appreciate that you are totally honest with me.’

‘Peggy had a relationship with Joshua some time back.’

‘I see.’

‘From what she told me he was two years in his marriage and he was frustrated about not having a child so he found comfort in her.’

I chuckle. I have played so many scenarios in my head of why Joshua did what he did and I know his wife talking to me was supposed to give me some sort of closure but it left me with more questions because I can never understand why a woman would know that her husband is doing all that to her and still put up with him.

‘Nandy I love you. And I know my loyalty should have been with you but you were heavily pregnant and very happy, I was never going to tell you until you put to bed because I was scared of what the news would do to you.’

‘I see.’

She stands up from the chair.

‘I am not going anywhere you know, I am your little sister and you will have to put up with me whether you like it or not. And when you are ready to get back at that imbecile tell me I will gladly help to kick his back.’

‘Go back to sleep Martha.’ I tell her

‘And I think you need to talk to Emmanuel.’

I just look at her without responding and she has gotten the message because she leaves my presence.

Once gone I open my phone and start to go through my gallery, I feel this tug at my heart seeing all the photos we took for the nursery. I haven’t yet gathered the courage to go in there because I am not sure I am ready to face all that. I scroll through and find more photos and these are of me and Joshua, how we looked so perfect together. It doesn’t make sense that he did this to me and the fact that I have all these questions makes me wonder if I will ever let go because how do you just move on from something like this? When I can’t make sense of anything and my head is pounding like crazy I decide to go back to bed.

..

Kwenje’s Girl

Winnie

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