My Fault (Culpable Book 1)

I’d never seen him so worried—or just one time, if I counted the night he’d found me screaming in the closet. He looked the same now, sad and frustrated. We were in his car. He was driving with his left hand and holding my hand with the right, just over the gear shift. I had no idea his worries could affect me so deeply. I wanted to wipe away that sorrow and make him smile the way I had those past few hours, but I knew it was impossible. Not many people could make Nicholas Leister break down and give everything, but I knew his sister was one of them. What little he’d told me about his mother was enough for me to know that he hated her or at least preferred never to think about her again. Not giving his diabetic sister her insulin was the perfect reason to hate her even more.

We drove in silence. It saddened me that, after being so happy, so together, everything had suddenly crashed and burned, but at least he kept kissing my hand once in a while or stroking my cheek. He was gentle, and each of those caresses stung even as they consoled me. Sleeping with him had meant something, and it was the only thing I could think of when I felt his skin touch mine.

We didn’t even stop to eat. When we reached Vegas six hours later, we went directly to the hospital.

Madison Grason was on the fourth floor of the pediatric wing. As soon as we found out, we took off running. In the waiting room, we saw three people: a couple and a portly woman. The latter walked over to the door when she saw Nick looking at the woman behind her.

“Nicholas, I don’t want you starting a scene,” she said, glancing from him to me and back.

“Where is she?” he asked. In the meantime, the woman in the back of the room had gotten up and was looking at Nick with preoccupation.

“She’s asleep. They’ve administered insulin. She’s fine, Nicholas, she’s going to make a full recovery.”

I squeezed his hand. I wished he would calm down, but he was completely beside himself. He walked past Anne and straight toward the other women. She was blond, and when I saw her up close, there was no doubt in my mind: this was his mother.

“Where the fuck were you? How could you let this happen?” he shouted. The bald man next to her tried to get between them, but she stopped him.

“Nicholas, it was an accident,” she said, calm but with eyes full of grief.

“Leave my wife in peace. We were already sick with worry before you showed up—”

“Fuck you!” Nick was squeezing my hand so tightly it hurt, but there was no way I would try to break free just then—he needed me. “She’s got to have her insulin three times a day. It isn’t rocket science, but what do you expect when you don’t think twice about leaving her in the hands of a bunch of dumb babysitters?”

“Madison knows she’s supposed to take her injections, and she didn’t say anything. Rose just assumed she’d done it—” the bald guy explained before Nick cut him off again:

“She’s five fucking years old! She needs a mother!”

This wasn’t just an argument about Nick’s sister. That much was clear. He was shouting at his mother because of Maddie but also because of himself. I hadn’t realized how much she’d hurt him until then, but it must have been hard, losing your mother at such a young age. I had lost my father, too, but in a certain sense, I’d saved myself from him, and my mother had always been there for me. Nicholas hadn’t had a father who loved him, just one who gave him money. I hated that woman for hurting him, and I hated William for not caring for his son enough.

I stepped back when a doctor appeared.

“Are you the family of Madison Grason?”

Everyone turned to him.

“She’s responding to treatment. She’ll get better, but she needs to spend the night here. I want to keep an eye on her glucose levels and her condition in general.”

“What’s going on with her, exactly?” Nick asked.

“You are…?”

“Her brother.”

The doctor nodded.

“Your sister’s suffering from diabetic ketoacidosis. That happens when the body doesn’t have enough insulin and it starts burning fat as a source of energy. When this happens, the liver produces ketones, which are a type of acid that is toxic when it builds up in the bloodstream.”

“What do you have to do when that happens?”

“Your sister’s glucose is up above three hundred. Her liver is cranking out glucose, but her cells can’t absorb it without insulin. With the doses we’re giving her, we’ll get that under control. We’ll run more tests, but there’s nothing to worry about. What bothered me when she got here was the dehydration because she’d been vomiting so much, but that’s behind us now. We’re through the worst of this. Kids are tough.”

“Can I see her?” Nicholas asked.

“Yes. She woke up, and if you’re Nick, she’s been asking about you.” Even knowing this didn’t seem to improve Nick’s mood. The thought that things could have been worse for his sister and that it was her parents’ fault must have been killing him inside.

“Come, I want you to meet her,” he said, pulling me behind him. I’d supposed he’d go in alone, but knowing he wanted me there for something so important filled me with joy.

When we entered Madison’s room, I saw her, a tiny little girl, prettier than any I’d ever seen. She was sitting up on her bed. When she saw Nick, she reached up and smiled.

“Nick!” She frowned from pain just as she said it. She had an IV in her arm; it must have hurt.

Nick let go of me for the first time in hours and ran over to her. It was funny to see him hugging her, sitting there in that giant bed.

“How are you, Princess?” he asked. I wasn’t sure what I felt just then, after seeing him so upset and then so relieved.

The girl was gorgeous but very petite for a five-year-old. She was pale and had big purple bags under her eyes. She made such a sad impression that I was reassured to see her smile.

“You came.”

“Of course I did. What did you think?” he replied, picking her up and putting her carefully on his lap as he leaned against the wall. She reached up and started playing with his hair.

The image warmed my heart. I’d never have guessed Nicholas could treat a child the way he was treating Madison. Honestly, I’d never have been able to imagine him with a child, period. Nick was the kind of guy who made you think of hot girls, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll.

“Look, Maddie, I want to introduce you to someone really special. That’s Noah.” Only then did she seem to notice me. She only had eyes for her big brother. That was normal, right? But now those eyes, blue just like Nick’s, settled on me.

“Who is she?” she asked with a frown.

Before I could say I was a friend, Nicholas interrupted me:

“She’s my girlfriend.”

“You don’t have girlfriends,” she said.

I walked over to them.

“That’s true, Maddie, but I think I’ve made him change his mind,” I said with a grin. She was funny.

“I like your name,” she said. “It’s a boy’s name.” Nicholas burst out laughing, and I couldn’t help but join in.

“Uh, thanks. I’m not sure what to say.” Like brother, like sister, I thought, remembering what Nick had said about my name when we’d met.

“With a name like that, I’ll bet the boys let you play soccer,” she said.

“You like soccer?” I asked, disbelieving. Nicholas always called her Princess, and she looked more like one of those than a soccer fan.

“I love it. Nick gave me a ball. It’s so cool. It’s pink,” she replied, still tugging and slapping at Nick’s hair. I understood. I wanted to touch it, too.

We spent a good while with her, and there was no denying it: she was adorable. She was bright for her age and very funny, but she looked exhausted, so we decided to let her rest.

On the way out, we ran into Nick’s mom. You’d think a mother would be worried about her daughter, but she seemed to be on a different planet. She feigned indifference in front of her son, but certain barely perceptible nervous gestures showed me that his presence did affect her.

“Nicholas, I want to talk to you,” she said, looking back and forth between the two of us.

“I’ll leave you alone,” I said, but he held me close.

“I have nothing to say to you,” he hissed.

“Please, Nicholas. I’m your mother… You can’t spend your whole life avoiding me.” She didn’t seem to care that I was there listening. Nicholas was tense as a guitar string.

“You stopped being my mother the moment you abandoned me for that idiot husband of yours.” It was frightening to see him like that, so serious.

“I made a mistake,” she said, as if abandoning your child were something anyone might accidentally do. “But you’re not a child anymore. It’s time for you to forgive me for what I did.”

“That wasn’t a mistake. You disappeared for six years. You didn’t even call to ask how I was. You just left me!” he shouted. “I wish I never had to see you again, and if I could, I would take that precious little girl from you. You don’t deserve her. You don’t deserve to have her as a daughter.”

We walked away. He pulled me down the hallway, then turned, and then turned again until we reached an area that was empty. He pulled open the door of a small closet, and we stepped inside. The only light came from a window near the ceiling.

His face looked lost, his breathing was out of control, and his eyes were gleaming with fury or maybe sorrow, I wasn’t sure. I was scared to see him like that, and I didn’t realize what was happening when he pushed me against the wall and his lips pressed into mine.

“Nicholas,” I said in a trembling voice, caressing his face. But he was elsewhere, incapable of controlling his emotions. He kissed me again. I didn’t manage to say a word.

“Thank you for being here,” he whispered, and when I heard the desperation in his voice, I held him steady and tried to look him in the eye. “I don’t think I’ll ever get over her just leaving me like that. But now you’re here, I have you, and I know what it feels like to be in love. I don’t care what she did to me anymore, Noah. You’ve closed a wound that was still raw, and that makes me love you even more.”

We were so close, his tears streamed into my eyes and I felt a smile cross his lips.

“Come here,” he murmured and kissed me.

That was the second time we made love…and it was tarnished by memories from the past.

We went to eat afterward. We wouldn’t be able to visit Maddie again for a few hours, so we decided to see the sights in Las Vegas. I had never been, and it was as impressive as it looked in the movies. Wherever I looked, there were huge buildings, luxurious hotels, and spectacles. I couldn’t even imagine what it must look like at night—unfortunately I wouldn’t be able to stay there too late.

“Tomorrow we’ll release her. That’s better than we expected. We could probably just let her go now, but I’d prefer to keep her under observation a little longer,” the doctor said.

It was five in the evening, and if we wanted to be in LA before midnight, we needed to head back. Nicholas seemed not to want to go, but his mother was there, and I knew how hard that was for him.

“I’ll be back this week,” he told Maddie, who got teary-eyed. “I’ll come Wednesday, and I’ll bring you a present, and we can play together.” He hugged her carefully but lovingly.

“In two days?” she said, pouting.

“Just two days,” Nick said, kissing her on her blond hair.

He looked destroyed, exhausted, as we left the hospital, and he had good reason to. It had been a day full of emotion, and the day before had been, too. We both needed a few hours to sleep it off.

“You want me to drive?” I asked. He grinned as he pinned me against the driver’s side door.

“I seem to remember I ended up losing the last car you drove.”

“You’ll never let that go, will you?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

I turned around and got into the passenger side. We stopped several times on the way for coffee, and when we were on the road, we kept the music blasting to help us stay awake.

Once home, we didn’t even stop to think that our parents might have arrived. Nicholas had an arm around my shoulder and I had mine around his waist as we climbed the porch.

Seeing my mother was like returning to reality. We were startled and pulled quickly away from each other.

“Finally, you’re back. We were starting to get worried,” Mom said, coming over and hugging me tightly. I hadn’t seen her for two days, and with all that had happened, the memories of my father, the things with Nick, I squeezed her harder than I should have.

“Did you miss me?” she laughed.

She greeted Nick as well, and we went inside and were interrogated about the condition of Nick’s sister. I guess he had called them so they’d know where we were, and William was worried about Maddie’s health.

“I’m glad she’s all right,” he said, getting up from the sofa.

Nick was on one side of the room, I on the other. It was strange not to be touching each other, and I felt an odd emptiness in my chest. I’d gotten so used to having him close these past forty-eight hours that I needed him near me at all times. I looked into his eyes just then. I saw promise.

“I’m tired,” I said. “If you don’t mind, I’m going to go on upstairs. I’ve got class in the morning…”

My mother was watching a movie with Will, and they still had a good bit of it left before bedtime.

“You staying with us, Nick?” my mother asked him, and I had to suppress a scowl. Fortunately, I don’t think she noticed.

Nicholas grinned.

“I should go up, too. I’ve got class myself. Good night,” he said, walking around the sofa and joining me.

I didn’t know if it was the feeling of doing something bad or just knowing our parents were down there and would lose it if they caught us, but when Nick pushed me against the wall in my room and stuck his hand under my shirt, it was the most exciting thing I could imagine.

“Come to my bed. Sleep with me,” he whispered in my ear. The whole time he spoke, he was kissing, nibbling, licking my neck.

“I can’t,” I moaned.

“You can’t make those noises and then tell me not to take you to bed,” he said, pressing his hips into me sexily.

I giggled and closed my eyes.

“My mother could come up at any time, Nicholas,” I said as he skillfully squeezed my left thigh. “I don’t want her to have a heart attack.”

“You’re coming with me anyway,” he said, dragging me off.

“No!” I shouted, digging my heels into the floor. I had no idea what we were going to do now that we were together and living under the same roof with my mother and his father, but I knew there had to be some kind of rules or self-control in place.

He stopped, noticed the noises downstairs, and realized I was right.

“I love you,” he said, giving me a quick peck on the lips. “If anything happens, you know where I am.”

“I do. Second door on the left.”

I closed the door. I needed to analyze everything that had happened. I needed…to catch my breath.

Everything that had happened those past few days had sunk me in a cloud of contrary thoughts and feelings. I was happy when I was with Nick: I didn’t know if it would last a long time, since we had a tendency to clash, or at least it had seemed that way over the past few months. Either way, I was crazy about him. I had hidden it, even from myself, but now it was out, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it, especially knowing he was just a few feet away. It was hard not to go looking for him when I had trouble sleeping, but I forced myself. I had to learn to keep my distance from him. But when I wasn’t with him, my every thought turned to my father and his threatening letters. I still didn’t know if I should tell anyone…why? He was in jail, and I wasn’t even sure if he was the one sending them. Maybe Ronnie had just found out about my dad and was using all that against me. So I decided to say nothing, at least until another letter came, and my guess was that was never going to happen.

The next morning, I got up in a rush, knowing I was at risk of being late for school. I was nervous because I’d have to deal with the fallout from the party. Everyone had heard me shout like a madwoman, and nobody had come to my aid.

I put on my uniform and ran downstairs. William was already gone, same as most mornings, and Nick and my mother were having breakfast at the island in the kitchen. When Nick looked up at me, I had to struggle not to run over and kiss him. Mom got up and started making my breakfast. With the excuse of getting help with my tie (which I knew perfectly well how to tie by now), I walked over to Nick and gave him a quick kiss while my mother wasn’t looking.

He whispered to me: “Right now I have all these images of my head of you in that uniform in a room upstairs.” As he said this, he knotted my tie, kissed me softly, and stroked my neck.

I turned to make sure no one was watching. But my mother was busy scrambling eggs, and her music was blaring from the speakers.

It was a dangerous game we were playing but a very exciting one, too.

He reached down and felt under my skirt, stroking my legs and my ass.

“You’re pushing it,” I said.

“I know,” he agreed, pulling away just as my mother turned and served my dish.

For the first time, I had my breakfast sitting next to Nick, and all I could think about was that morning when we’d had pancakes and smoothies together. That was a sweet memory, especially the part that had come just before we ate…

My mother didn’t say much to us. She seemed immersed in her thoughts, and I reproached myself for not taking more interest in her marriage and whether she was happy we were living there.

“Are you okay, Mom?” I asked with a worried look. That lost look, that distraction I noticed in her was becoming all too common.

She came back from wherever she had wandered off to in her mind and feigned a smile.

“Yeah, sure… I’m great,” she said, picking her plate up and dropping it into the sink. “Nick told me that he doesn’t mind taking you to school today. I’m sorry, hon, but my head hurts a little… I think I’m going to lie down.” She gave me a kiss on the head and squeezed Nick’s shoulder affectionately.

“She’s being kind of weird, right?” I said as he finished his juice. He pulled my chair over to his.

“A little, but I don’t think it’s a big deal.” He put his hands on my knees and leaned in. “You ready to go?” His voice was seductive. His hands tickled me. I nodded. I guessed my car being in the shop wasn’t as bad as I’d thought at first.

Five minutes later, we were leaving, but he did stop on a corner where no one could see us, cup my face, and kiss me intensely.

“What’s that all about?” I asked as he grinned and put the car back in gear.

“It’s been seven hours and twenty-five minutes since we’ve kissed,” he said calmly.

“You’re counting?” I said, laughing. That put me in a really good mood.

“I get bored when I’m not with you. I need to keep my mind busy.”

Fifteen minutes later, I was at the door of St. Marie’s. I couldn’t help but feel nervous. Nick was looking serious, too, and clutching the steering wheel tightly.

“You going to pick me up?” I asked.

“Of course. I don’t have a choice—I’m your boyfriend, right?” he said almost presumptuously.

I laughed.

“That’s not necessarily a boyfriend’s duty. You’ve never even had a girlfriend, have you?” It cracked me up to know I was right and that I was his first.

“I was waiting for you,” he said, planting a hot kiss on my lips. I liked those words so much, I held him close. Kissing him reminded me of the two times it had gone further than that. I wanted to do it again.

“You’d better go if you don’t want me to kidnap you for the rest of the day,” he warned me. His hand around my waist told me he wanted to keep me there.

“I’ll see you at four,” I said with a smile and opened the door. This was addictive.

“Love you,” I said.

“Love you, too! See you, Precious.” He shook his head and drove off.

Before I reached the door, many eyes turned to me, but before I could let it get to me, Jenna jumped into my arms and hugged me.

“Noah! I’m so, so sorry.” She squeezed me tightly. “I didn’t know they were going to do that. I should have been there to help you. They’re just a bunch of immature babies. They should be over stupid pranks like that, but you know…”

“It’s fine, Jenna. It wasn’t your fault,” I said.

“Are you sure?” she continued. “You looked like you were freaking out. I didn’t know the darkness affected you like that.”

“It’s a trauma from when I was a kid, but it’s over. It doesn’t matter anymore.” Just then, the bell rang and we walked to our lockers.

It wasn’t over, though. Rumors had spread, and anywhere I turned, people were staring at me. I felt like a Martian or worse, like people were pitying me. I didn’t realize how angry I was until I went to the dining hall and saw Cassie there with the guys who’d stuffed me in the closet. I was so enraged that I didn’t even realize what I was doing until I was right beside her throwing my strawberry shake in her hair.

Everyone around froze, and before I knew what I’d done, I heard the principal’s voice behind me.

“Miss Morgan, my office, please.”

Shit.