My Fault (Culpable Book 1)

I still couldn’t believe things had gotten so out of hand. One minute you were dancing with a guy, the next you were almost falling over while the guy you wished would ask you out onto the dance floor was pounding the hell out of the dumbass who kissed you without asking. I’d have gotten rid of him on my own if I’d had time, but Nicholas had gone berserk before I’d gotten the chance.

I hated violence above all else. I’d seen too much of it, and I knew it was always the problem, never the answer. I didn’t want to be with a guy who was violent. Nicholas had already shown me he was quick to use his fists when things got ugly, but like a fool, I’d overlooked that detail because what I felt for Nick was stronger than anything I’d felt for anyone. The past few days with him had been amazing. I’d even started to open up to him, but after tonight, it was over. He was revealing he was just a jealous tough guy trying to mark his territory, and I didn’t like that one bit. I’d been terrified when he’d grabbed my shoulders, and I’d seen how furious he was. I couldn’t be with anyone who scared me; that was a deal breaker.

When Jenna and I got to our hotel room, she was still raging about Nick’s behavior at the same time as she begged me to forgive him, but I didn’t care, I just wanted to get into bed. The day hadn’t ended the way I’d planned, and all I could think about was getting back home and looking at things from a clearer perspective.

An hour later, I heard a noise in the hallway. I knew Nick had stayed out late, and I was worried about him. I got up and went to the door, cracking it to glance out into the hall. What I saw made me freeze.

Nick wasn’t alone. He had a girl pinned between him and the door. They were making out. He was feeling her up.

I didn’t know if I made a noise, but Nick seemed to realize I was there. He turned and looked at me. Letting the girl go, he turned toward me, covered his eyes with his hands, and started walking over to me.

“Dammit, Noah,” he said, the girl’s lipstick still on his lips.

I turned around and shut the door in his face.

I didn’t sleep all night.

The next morning, I was so tired I felt sick, and my head hurt. I didn’t even bother caring about my appearance. Since arriving, I’d tried to look pretty for Nick, but what was the point? In the end, the obvious thing had happened. Nicholas was violent and a womanizer. He’d been deceiving me, and like an idiot, I’d fallen for it. I didn’t even want to see his face.

I didn’t know what had happened afterward, but I couldn’t get out of my head that image of her touching his body, her mouth on his… He’d freaked out when that guy had kissed me in the club, and I hadn’t even wanted it…and what he’d done was way worse.

Jenna noticed how quiet I was, and as she was getting ready, she tried to distract me with jokes and comments about the weather and air traffic. I didn’t know how I’d manage to avoid Nicholas the whole trip back, but I was determined to do so.

When we dragged our suitcases out of the hotel room and reached the elevator, I saw him. His hair looked like he’d been pulling on it, and he was sitting in a chair with his elbows propped on his knees, staring into his hands. When he heard us, he looked up.

“Noah,” he said, and just hearing my name in his voice made me want to cry.

“Stay away from me,” I ordered him. Jenna was aghast, with no idea what to say or do.

He came over, and I could see the bags under his eyes.

“Noah, please, I’m sorry about last night. I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing.” He tried to grab my hand, but I pulled it away. Even in this state, he was stunning, and I hated myself for still feeling something for him. I’d need to work on that.

“I don’t want you near me ever again. Whatever there was between us, it’s done. We should never have started this. It’s been a mistake since the beginning.”

In his eyes, I saw thousands of feelings: anger, remorse, pain, shame…

“I was drunk, Noah… I didn’t know what I was doing.”

I observed him without reacting.

“Fine, but I do know what I’m doing now. I want us to be stepbrother and stepsister again. That’s all you are for me. My mother’s new husband’s kid. Nothing more.”

The elevator arrived, and I got inside. Jenna did, too, while Nick turned around and walked off. I didn’t know what was in store for us, but all I wanted was for that weekend to be over. For the first time in ages, I wanted to be with my mother. I wanted her to surround me with her arms and tell me everything would be all right.

The flight seemed to last forever. I didn’t know if my impatience was evident from my face, but all three of them left me alone the whole time. When we dropped off Jenna and Lion, a silence fell over the car. I looked out the window. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted him as far as possible from me; I felt betrayed in a way I never had been before. For a moment, I’d thought happiness was possible, thought I’d touched it with my fingertips. I could almost see a future with Nick, but that had fallen apart as quickly as it had arisen. My eyes were burning from the urge to cry. I could still see Nick hitting that guy; it was almost like a clip from a horror film. And then there was him with the girl. I’d known since that moment that what I felt for him was much stronger than I’d realized. That had been even worse than seeing Dan with my best friend.

I felt a tear slip down my cheek, and before I could wipe it away, his fingers were on my skin, stealing something that wasn’t his. I slapped him away.

“Don’t touch me, Nicholas!” I ordered him, grateful that I hadn’t burst completely into tears.

He looked as if my rejection had hurt him, but that must have been a lie: Nicholas didn’t feel anything for me. He’d proven that.

Just then, he stopped the car. I looked outside and saw we were still far from home.

“What are you doing?” I asked, disoriented, angry, stunned. I felt vulnerable, and I needed to be away from him.

He turned.

“You have to forgive me,” he begged.

I shook my head. I wasn’t going to go on listening to him. I didn’t even want to be in the same car as him. I unbuckled my seat belt and got out. I didn’t care if we were in the middle of the road.

I heard him running after me as fast as he could. I tried to get away, but soon he’d gotten hold of me and was jerking me around to face him.

“I’m sorry, Noah,” he said. “I didn’t want to do it. I’m not used to this. Don’t you get it? I’ve never felt this for anyone, and yesterday when I saw… I almost lost it. That idiot kissing you, I mean.”

“So what do you think I felt when I saw you split his face open?!” I shouted, trying to avoid his grasp. “Admiration? Gratitude? No! I was scared! I already told you, I don’t like violence! And then, to top it off, you hook up with someone right outside my door!”

When he heard me, Nick let me go, almost as if he’d been electrocuted.

“Are you scared of me?” he asked.

I knew I was on the verge of falling apart, but I nodded anyway.

“I would never lay a finger on you,” he said. “I don’t know what happened to you in the past, Noah, but whatever it was, I promise—I will never hurt you.”

I shook my head.

“You already did, Nicholas.”

He tried to say something, but I interrupted him.

“Please just take me home.”

We didn’t talk the rest of the way, and once we got there, I took my suitcases straight to my room after saying hello to my mother and William. Nicholas didn’t even stay behind. Once he’d taken out our bags, he got back into his car. I didn’t care, not anymore; I never did, or at least I kept trying to tell myself that.

The next morning, a letter came for me. I was supposed to hang out with Jenna, Lion, and Mario, and I left it in the passenger seat as I drove to the place we were meeting. There was no return address, and I opened it after I got out of the car to wait.

I’d never imagined what I’d find in it. When I started to read, my heart sped up, and I felt the blood drain from my face.

I’m writing you this letter because I hate you more than anyone in the world. Watch your back, Noah.

A.

Those words burned into my mind like fire. No one had ever said anything like that to me before, and I felt my hands start to shake. Somebody must have dropped the letter in our mailbox because there was no stamp. A? Who the hell was A? The first person to come into my head was Anna, but it couldn’t be her. She was a bitch, but I didn’t think she was capable of something like that. Then I thought of Ronnie and the threat he’d made to Nicholas, but why would he write A? I didn’t know anyone whose name started with that letter… This was insane. I was scared, but I decided to consider it a joke. No one was going to hurt me, not in that city, not at my home.

“What’s up?” a familiar voice asked. It was Mario. I’d invited him because he hadn’t stopped sending me messages since I left for the Bahamas. Mario and I had had a moment, so to speak—we had kissed, but it had seemed to mean more to him than it did to me. I’d been planning on putting the brakes on anything romantic with him, but after what had happened with Nicholas, I wasn’t so sure. Mario was nice, gentle, caring; he respected me, and he seemed genuinely interested in me. I knew I was lying to myself, but I wanted to be with someone normal for once in my life, find a person who could make me happy and who respected me as a person, and Mario seemed perfect.

I smiled at him. I doubt I looked very convincing, especially because I still had that letter in my head. I stuffed it into my pants pocket and tried to put on a happy face.

“Nothing. I’m good,” I responded, giving him a hug. We were going to a bowling alley. I wasn’t a pro at bowling, but I was going to try to have fun, distract myself, and forget about Nick.

Jenna and Lion arrived just then. She hugged me; she knew I wasn’t doing well and wouldn’t want to talk about what was happening. Lion didn’t seem to know how to act.

I smiled at him anyway, and the four of us walked inside. The place was huge, with people playing and eating snacks all around. The noise of balls striking the pins echoed regularly through the room. I felt good with all those people around yelling when someone got a strike.

While we were waiting for our shoes, Mario asked whether I really didn’t know how to play.

“Don’t laugh at me,” I said. “Anyway, throwing a ball on the ground can’t be that hard.”

“Well, I’m glad you came,” he said. His brown eyes were so different from Nick’s. “I know something happened with you and Nicholas,” he continued, and I had to look away. I didn’t want to talk about Nick, and certainly not with Mario. “I don’t care, though, Noah. I just want you to give me a chance. Nick’s no good for you. I’m not saying that because I want a shot, I’m just telling you the truth. He’s not a one-woman guy, and you deserve someone better than him.”

He was right, I thought, but at the same time, part of me wanted to defend Nick, tell Mario he was wrong, say that Nick could change, that I could make him change.

How naive.

“I can’t be with anyone right now,” I declared. “I don’t want to hurt you, but I need you to understand.” I cursed myself just then for not being able to love the right people for me.

He came close and ran a finger over my cheek, leaving behind a warm feeling.

“I’d be happy just to be your friend. For now.” He grabbed his shoes. I did the same, not really grasping what he’d just said to me.

Bowling turned out to be far more difficult than I’d imagined. I started off watching until I finally dared to go myself. I didn’t manage to knock even one pin over. Everyone laughed at me and it got to me. I couldn’t help it—I was very competitive.

When I started to get the hang of it, I got a little too motivated. I rolled the ball too hard, it slipped, and I fell on my back on the lane. But that wasn’t all—my fingers were stuck in the ball, and it wound up on my stomach.

It went without saying that it hurt, and I was terribly embarrassed to boot. I almost threw up, and when I stood, I was seeing stars. At first people laughed at me, but then they came over to see if I was okay. I wasn’t going to die, but the side of my hip was hurting so badly I could nearly cry.

“Let’s go to the hospital,” Mario said.

“Noah, when you fell, you hit your head. You need to see a doctor,” Jenna urged me.

“I’m fine!” I shouted. Actually I was aching, but in less than an hour, I had to go to work at the bar. I’d already missed a day for the Bahamas, so there was no getting out of it.

Seeing how angry I was getting, everyone laid off me.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take you?” Mario asked for the eighth time in a minute. When he saw my scowl, he threw his hands up to let me know he’d given up.

“Okay, okay!” he said, laughing. “But put some ice on it, and if you get sick or anything happens, call me. I’ll take you to the hospital.”

Ugh… I had to get out of there now.

“Thanks, Mario,” I said, kissing him on the cheek and getting into my car.

A half hour later, I was walking through the door to Bar 48. I didn’t love working, but on that day in particular, it was the last place I wanted to be. I’d lied to everyone—actually I wasn’t fine at all. My side was hurting, and my head felt like it was going to explode.

“Hey, girl,” said Jenni, one of the waitresses working that shift. She was nice, even if we didn’t have much in common. “You’re in a good mood, bitch,” she said, smacking her gum.

See what I mean?

I changed into my work shirt and got started. It was a Thursday, but the place was packed. I got off at ten, and I couldn’t wait to get back home.

“Hey, Noah,” my boss said. He was breaking his back serving drinks. “Any way you can stay late tonight? You can make back your hours from the other day.”

No, please! I wanted to shout, but there was nothing I could do. I scuttled off briefly to the break room, made myself a little ice pack, and pressed it against my forehead. That jabbing pain wouldn’t go away, and I was feeling worse by the second.

I kept on working even though I had to step off the floor twice to vomit in the staff bathroom. Something was evidently wrong, and I started to wonder if I really should go to the hospital. I washed my mouth out. When I emerged, I nearly had a heart attack: Ronnie was there. He was standing in the corner with a group of guys. I was terrified. That letter in my pocket felt like it was burning, and I had the urge to take off running. I could still remember his face as he was shooting at me.

“Take care of those guys,” my boss ordered me, passing me a tray of shots. Shit. I wasn’t even supposed to serve alcohol, but we were so busy they didn’t care about breaking the rules. I tried to ask Jenni for help, but she was even busier than I was.

I grabbed the tray and set the shots down quickly, hoping against hope they wouldn’t notice me.

“I can’t believe it,” Ronnie said, grabbing my arm.

“Let me go.” I tried to keep a cool head.

“Oh, come on, stick around a while.” I could feel his hatred for me, his contempt. I’d humiliated him, and a person like him couldn’t let that go.

His friends were cracking up. I didn’t know what to do. With all those people there, my boss couldn’t even see me.

“What do you want, Ronnie?” I asked between clenched teeth.

“I’d like to fuck you every which way, how about that?” His friends started laughing.

“You better let me go if you don’t want me to have the door guy toss you out on your ass,” I threatened.

“How’s your boyfriend?” he continued. “Last time I saw him, he was crying like a baby asking for us to leave him alone.”

I remembered the beating Nick had received—the beating that had been my fault—and the nausea I’d felt that whole afternoon returned.

“Let me go—you’re hurting me,” I said, twisting my wrist in his iron grip.

“You listen to me real close,” he said, pulling me closer so I could see his repulsive mouth moving. “You tell Nicholas that—”

Just then, an arm wrapped around my waist, a dull thud knocked Ronnie away, and all at once, Nicholas was in front of me, blocking me with his body.

“What should she tell me?” he asked calmly.

Ronnie smiled and stood up, face-to-face with him.

My heart started pounding. Not again, please.

“Hey, we missed you, bruh,” he said with a dark smile that horrified me. “You don’t come around no more… It’s like you’ve gone soft.”

“Leave Noah alone,” Nick said, the muscles in his body all tense.

“Or what?” Ronnie stepped forward until their noses were touching.

I grabbed Nicholas’s hand.

“Nicholas, don’t do it,” I whispered. I knew he’d heard me. Ronnie, too. Nick pressed his fist into Ronnie’s chest and pushed him away.

“Stay out of my life, Ronnie. You don’t want problems with me. There are too many witnesses here for you to risk going back to jail.”

Ronnie clenched his teeth and forced a grin.

Just then, the manager walked over with the door guy.

“You two,” he said to Ronnie and Nick, “out of here, now.”

I was trembling all over.

I followed them outside. Nicholas went to his car and Ronnie to his—or, rather, to Nick’s Ferrari. He shot past Nick and vanished down the street. I walked over to Nick with a strange feeling in my chest.

“Are you okay?” he asked me, looking at my face with worry.

“Yeah, I’m fine, I just…” Suddenly a strange feeling overtook me. I couldn’t see Nick clearly anymore, and everything went dark.