My Fault (Culpable Book 1)

I had no idea how I’d let her convince me to put the dress on. It was anything but appropriate. My whole entire back was exposed. I’d needed to put on a special bra. I felt completely naked. But when Jenna got something in her head, she couldn’t be more annoying, and there was a little part of me deep down that wanted to see how Nick would react. All day, he’d acted like he really was my friend—he’d kept his hands off me, and weird as it seems, I didn’t like it.

I understood his expression of distaste when we met in front of the elevators. He looked me up and down. For a second, I thought he actually didn’t like what he saw.

“Is something up?” I asked, disappointed. That wasn’t the reaction I’d expected.

“Aren’t you going to be cold?” he asked with a strange glimmer in his eye.

“I’m fine,” I said, and got into the elevator as soon as the doors slid open. Next to me, Jenna was wearing black hot pants and a provocative pink top. She was showing way more flesh than I was, and Lion seemed unsure whether he liked it.

The boys walked behind us. When we reached the restaurant, I couldn’t believe the décor and ambience. It was at an elegant spot right next to the pool. It was a privilege to be able to enjoy that place with Nicholas and our friends. I guessed that was how it was when your mother married a millionaire.

We were seated at a nice table next to a trail leading through the gardens. The views were spectacular. Our plates were served quickly, and the food was exquisite and the conversation entertaining.

My phone buzzed, interrupting us. I kept getting calls from an unknown number with someone listening to me silently on the other line.

“Hello?” I said automatically, and a familiar voice responded. It was one of the guys I’d played volleyball with on the beach. Jess, I think his name was. He told me the name of the club and said we should go there as soon as dinner was over.

I communicated his message to Jenna, and she started hopping up and down while Nick gave me a weird look. What the hell was up with him?

I sent him a text. It was ridiculous, but if I didn’t put him in check, he’d ruin our night.

What the hell’s up with you? You’ve been giving me nasty looks since I came out of my room.

It was funny to see his eyes when his phone buzzed and he read my text. He looked back at me as my own phone vibrated.

I think I like it better when you pick your outfits. You shouldn’t wear something you’re not comfortable in.

How did he know Jenna had picked my outfit? Was it so obvious how ridiculous I felt? Jenna was so hot. I must have looked like a stupid doll next to her.

I could have teared up. I’d wanted to make Nick’s jaw drop, and I’d gotten the opposite effect.

I put my phone aside, deciding I wouldn’t answer anymore. I’d never been a girl who dressed up much, but I’d also never really cared what anyone else thought of me, especially guys. Doing that for Nick, and in vain, made me feel stupid.

My phone buzzed again, noisier than before against the surface of the table.

I felt a tingle when I saw the message.

You look precious, Noah.

Our eyes met, and I felt the heat inside me. If he was being serious, he sure had a weird way of showing it.

I was angry with myself for letting those four little words have that effect on me. I shouldn’t have done all that for him. I should have just worn what I had been planning to wear.

“Hey!” Lion nearly shouted. “What’s up with you guys?”

“Nothing,” Nick said, taking a sip from his fine-crystal glass.

“We should go. I told Jess we’d be there in fifteen minutes, and I don’t want to leave him hanging,” I said. If Nick expected me to thank him for that message, he had another thing coming.

As we walked out and toward the club, a blond-haired, blue-eyed guy stopped me: Jess.

“Jeez, Noah…you look…incredible!”

I smiled. See, Nick? That was the attitude I was looking for.

I introduced him to everyone. Nick took a few seconds before shaking his hand, and when he did, I could tell he was squeezing it tightly.

“The club’s right over there. The scene is lit.” Outside, there were two bouncers and a long line of people. “They’re with me,” Jess told one of the bouncers, and after eyeing us up, he let us through. The dance floor was packed with people moving to the rhythm of the music. The lights were distracting, but otherwise, it was the perfect place for a fun evening.

“We’ve got a booth over there,” he said, pointing to an area just off the dance floor in the nicest part of the club. “Follow me.” I tried not to fall over as we cut between all the people. These shoes were deadly, and my feet were already killing me. There were four guys in the booth. I’d already met them on the beach. Now they shouted my name and said a boisterous hello to the rest. The whole situation was funny. Most of the guys had girls with them, and their warm welcome made me like them even better than before. I didn’t fail to notice Jess jockeying to sit next to me or Nick settling in right beside me.

“So, Noah, how long have you been playing volleyball? You were ten times better than any of these losers!” Jess said, passing me a drink. I was nervous as I brought it to my lips. After what had happened the night I met Nick, I didn’t trust anyone who handed me a glass if I didn’t know what was in it.

“It’s fine. I watched them pour it,” Nick whispered. I wanted to thank him, but when I turned, a super-tall, super-hot chick had already come over and sat beside him. Nick turned around and started talking to her, and immediately, rage began eating away at me.

“You want to dance, Jess?” I asked just as Jenna dragged Lion onto the dance floor.

“Hell yeah,” he said. I didn’t even look back at Nicholas before grabbing Jess’s hand and letting him lead me off toward the frenzied dancers.

I’d always loved dancing, and I wasn’t bad at it. I had to thank my mother and her adolescent soul—she used to do all her chores at home with the music at full blast, so I’d never been ashamed to swing my hips. Dancing was fun. But Jess wasn’t the guy I wanted to do it with just then. When I saw Nick appear with that other girl, my heart sank.

He was so sexy when he danced. I’d never seen him do it, and watching him with that blond made me angry and jealous in a way I’d never felt before. His hands went directly to her ass, and I had to turn around and take a deep breath to keep from running off back to my room. I knew we weren’t anything, but I hated seeing him touch another girl, especially right there in front of me. Jess grabbed me around the waist, and I pressed my back into his chest. Nick could see me, and I could tell he was staring.

I wanted to push Jess away. I didn’t feel comfortable, but Nicholas’s every gesture was daring me not to buckle. His cheek touched the blond’s cheek, and she turned her head and whispered something in his ear while I felt the air grow thin…

Even if I was dying inside, that also made me want to respond in kind, so I let Jess wrap his arms around me, grinding my hips into him, feeling his hard body. I was playing with fire, and I knew it.

Nick scowled at me as he nibbled the girl’s earlobe. Watching it, I knew exactly what she was feeling.

That was enough.

I jerked away from Jess and told him to wait for me in the VIP. I said I’d be right back. He nodded, just asking if everything was all right. I eased his mind and walked over to one of the railings around the dance floor. There were still dancers there, but at least I had a little space to try to compose myself.

That was when Nick showed up in front of me. His eyes looked for mine, and he grabbed my hands and pulled me into him. My heart started pounding when I felt his palm on the bare flesh of my back.

“Why do you make me do things I don’t want to?” he asked.

I didn’t respond. I had nothing to say. I was angry at myself for trying to be something I wasn’t and mad at him for calling me out on it.

“You drive me crazy, Noah,” he confessed, his lips grazing my ear.

I looked up at him. I could see he was suffering—from jealousy, from longing, from lust. He wanted me… I drove him crazy. A smile blossomed on my lips.

“You know how to dance,” I said, reaching my arms up over his neck. I touched his hair and stroked his neck slowly, trying to provoke him.

“Don’t do that,” he said, but I didn’t stop. “You’re going to make me do something I can’t do here,” he warned me, jutting his head to the right. I looked over and saw Jenna and Lion watching us as they danced. I wanted to tell Jenna what was really going on, but then I told myself that was insane. No one would just accept such a relationship.

“I should go back,” I said, disillusioned.

“Screw that,” he said, pulling me into him. He bit my ear, stroked my back, made me close my eyes and try to keep from sighing from pleasure.

“You should stop,” I said, and I heard him curse, and then his lips were on top of mine. I hadn’t expected that kiss. We were being watched, we were giving ourselves away, but even more than that, his kiss was passionate, immediate, and tremendously arousing.

“Nick,” I said, hyperventilating, “Nick, stop.” By now his hands were all over me. If I went on like that, he’d soon have me stripped naked in the middle of the dance floor.

He put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me back, looking me in the eye.

“Let’s go to my room,” he said. I froze. “I can’t take seeing you here in the midst of all these people who want to do exactly the same thing to you that I do. Please, Noah, come with me. I want to be alone with you.”

He seemed upset, or else he was barely holding on to his sanity. I felt bad seeing him suffering like that. And after that kiss, I didn’t really want to be there with all those people, either…plus my shoes were killing me.

“Fine, let’s go,” I said, taking his hand. He smiled and led me over to where Lion and Jenna were gawking at us. She grabbed me and glared at me.

“You lying little bitch!” Then she died laughing. “Are y’all out of your minds?” I guessed Lion was speechless, but the way he looked at Nick seemed to say he didn’t entirely approve.

“We’re leaving,” Nick said, ignoring them both.

“So soon?” Jenna complained. I was sure she’d interrogate me till dawn once she was back in the room, but at that moment, I didn’t care.

“My feet are in agony. These shoes are a torture device.” At least I wasn’t lying about that. As Nick led me away, I shouted, “Say goodbye to everyone for me,” trying to get Jenna to hear me over the decibels. She nodded, still clearly unable to process what she’d just seen.

The soundproof walls muffled the music outside. It was late, but people were still lined up trying to get in.

“Your feet hurt, huh?” Nick asked.

I nodded and sat down on a bench. Nicholas knelt in front of me and started unbuckling them.

“What are you doing?” I giggled.

“I don’t know how you put up with these. Just looking at them is painful,” he said, taking off first one shoe and then the other.

“Thanks. That’s a relief.” I didn’t just mean the shoes, though.

Ten minutes later, we were in his room. The only light came in through the windows, but it was enough to see by. He pushed me into the wall, dropped my shoes on the floor, and kissed me again, deeper, with more desire.

I didn’t know why, but anytime he had me in his arms, all I could think of was our bodies joining as one and my hands rubbing him all over. And now I was doing it. I grabbed a handful of his hair and pulled him close. He gripped my hands and held them over my head.

“Don’t move,” he said, kissing my neck, biting me where my pulse was pounding, sucking my collarbone. I moaned with pleasure when he started stroking my thigh, pushing up the bottom of my dress. Now I thought the light, faint as it was, was too much. If I let him keep going, he’d see me naked.

“Stop, please,” I asked him, but he didn’t care. “Stop,” I repeated, and he moved back, but I caught his right hand in mine, where it was resting, on my thigh.

“Why?” he asked, and his eyes were begging me to let him keep going. Never in my life had something tempted me that way. All I wanted was to give in to his wishes, to tell him to take me to bed and do what he wished to me, but no… I couldn’t yet.

“I’m not ready,” I said, and I knew that was true, in a way.

He pressed his forehead into mine until our breathing returned to normal.

“Okay,” he said after a minute. “But don’t go.”

I wondered what was going through his mind.

“You said before that we didn’t know each other well enough, and you were right. And I want to know you, Noah, I really do. I’ve never wanted anything so bad before. And I want you to stay with me tonight.”

Seeing him open up to me, Nicholas, the hard-ass who hooked up with hundreds of girls without an ounce of remorse…it touched me deep inside.

“Fine… Let’s talk,” I said.

I wanted to know him better, too.

I was in the bathroom in Nick’s hotel room. I’d taken off my white dress and was looking at myself in the mirror in my underwear. He’d lent me one of his T-shirts so I could be comfortable as I talked with him, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the scar on my stomach. My scar had always been a problem. It was why I never wore bikinis and never let anyone see my stomach. Just the thought of it horrified me.

But I tried to forget it, splashing water on my face and throwing the T-shirt over my head. It hung off me like a dress, so I didn’t need to feel too exposed. I washed my feet in cold water, too, and enjoyed feeling my muscles relax after the torture of those high heels.

When I came out, I saw Nicholas sitting on the balcony. He’d taken off his jeans and button-down and put on pajama pants and a gray T-shirt. I tried not to look at his body when I went out to see him.

As I set foot outside, he turned and said, “You look good in my clothes.”

“I’m lucky you’re tall. Otherwise this could be embarrassing.” Just then, his phone started to ring. I saw the name before he answered and walked off to be able to talk without me eavesdropping. It was someone named Madison.

I felt my jealousy flare up as he moved past me, and I tried to pick up any snippet of their conversation I could.

“How are you, Princess?” he said in a sweet voice. Since when had Nicholas called anyone Princess? I wanted to run away just then. “Yeah, I’m great, I got lots of birthday presents. I’m still waiting on one from you. Hopefully it’s a big hug and a kiss?”

This was getting worse and worse. I needed to go. Now. I couldn’t bear to have him here in front of me flirting. But there was nothing I could do. I was the one who had insisted that he didn’t need to explain anything to me. I was the one who’d said I didn’t want to be exclusive. So what excuse did I have?

“You know I do, honey, but I have to go right now. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” he continued. There was too much affection in that conversation. It was like I was listening to a completely different Nicholas. “I love you, too, Princess. Goodbye.” And he hung up.

I crossed my arms and turned toward the ocean. I didn’t want him to know that his call had bothered me. It would set a bad precedent.

“Sorry. I had to take that one,” he said, kissing me on the neck by my tattoo.

“You said we needed to talk,” I responded, turning around. He let me go and sat in one of the chairs.

“Great, let’s talk,” he said, a tranquil look on his face. He didn’t have any remorse! I could feel my anger mounting. “How about we each ask ten questions? But you have to answer honestly, and we’ve both got a right to one veto.”

I nodded. He was almost having fun.

“You wanna start?” he asked.

I took a deep breath.

“Who the hell is Madison?” I asked.

He didn’t seem surprised, but still, he grimaced and ran a hand through his hair, as if it wasn’t tousled enough.

“If I tell you this, you have to accept my answer and not ask me any more questions about it,” he warned me, and I nodded, trying to imagine why. He exhaled a long breath. “She’s my little sister, she’s five years old, and she’s my mom’s daughter from her other husband.”

Okay, that wasn’t what I’d expected.

“You have a sister?” I asked incredulously.

“Yeah, and with that, you’ve wasted another question, so now you’ve only got eight left.”

I shook my head. Did my mother know? Did Will?

“How did I not know? I mean, no one ever mentioned it. You’ve got a five-year-old sister!” I exclaimed, sitting on the edge of the table in front of him.

He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned in toward me.

“You didn’t know because almost no one knows, and I want it to stay that way.”

It obviously had to do with his mother. I didn’t know much about her, just that she had walked out on him and his father, that they’d divorced when he was just a kid. That was about it.

“Do you have a good relationship with her?” I asked, trying to imagine him playing with a five-year-old girl and getting teary-eyed holding her. I just couldn’t imagine it.

“Great. I adore her, but I don’t see her enough,” he replied, and I could see the sorrow in his eyes. It was clearly hard for him to talk about…but still, he was doing it, for me.

I climbed off the table and curled up in his lap. It surprised him, but instead of pushing me away, he wrapped his arms around me.

“I’m sorry,” I said, not just because of his sister but also for the way things had gone with his mother.

“Sometimes I imagine bringing her out to LA, but by law, I can’t see her very often. My sister doesn’t get all the attention she needs; she’s diabetic, and that only makes matters worse,” he said, squeezing me into his chest.

What could I say? I felt like a complete idiot now. Not only had I misjudged him, I’d always just assumed his life was perfect, without problems of any kind. How stupid.

“Do you have a photo of her?” I asked. I couldn’t imagine what she looked like.

He took out his iPhone and swiped through his photos until he came upon a picture of a very small, very pretty blond girl. I smiled.

“She’s got your eyes,” I said. She had his mischievous expression, too, but I kept that to myself.

“Yeah, that’s the only thing, though. Everything else is exactly like my mom.”

I turned to look at him. I knew he was hiding things from me; I knew something had happened with his mother, but I didn’t dare ask. I decided to change the subject.

“Your turn,” I said.

He seemed to be thinking it over and then asked, “What’s your favorite color?”

I laughed.

“Out of all the questions in the world, you ask that one?”

He grinned as he waited for a response.

“Yellow.”

“Your favorite food?”

“Macaroni and cheese.”

“We’ve got something in common then,” he said, resting his hand on my forearm. Being with him like that…was wonderful. Wonderful and so, so new.

“Why do you like Thomas Hardy?” he asked. That one surprised me. It meant he’d been watching me and knew what I was reading.

“I guess…I guess I like books that don’t necessarily have a happy ending. They’re more real, more like the way life is. Happiness is something you have to look for, you don’t just find it so easily.”

“You don’t believe people can be happy?” he asked. Now the questions were getting personal, and my body began to stiffen.

“I think you can be less unhappy. Let’s put it that way.”

He scrutinized me, as if trying to grasp what was passing through my mind. It made me uncomfortable, being looked at in that way.

“Are you unhappy?” he said, stroking my cheek with one of his fingers.

“Not right now,” I said, and he smiled back at me sadly.

“Me neither.”

Was I just imagining it, or were we crossing an invisible line to reach our real feelings?

“What do you want to study when you’re done with high school?”

Okay, that was easy.

“English literature. In Canada. But I want to be a writer,” I said. Just then I realized maybe Canada was no longer such a good idea.

“A writer…” He seemed to be thinking it over. “Have you already written anything?”

I nodded. “I’ve written some stuff, but I’ve never let anyone read anything.”

“Would you let me read something you wrote?”

I shook my head. I’d die from shame. Plus, the things I’d written were more like diaries than stuff you could just share with people.

“Next question,” I said before he could push me on that point.

He looked at me attentively, hesitant at first but then resolute, choosing every one of his words carefully.

“Why are you afraid of the dark?”

That I didn’t want to answer. Not just did I not want to—I couldn’t. Thousands of memories bunched together in my mind.

“Pass,” I said with a trembling voice.