SWNOVELS Lust: Chapter 33
The salt-laced breeze brushes against my skin as I stand in front of the gathered crowd. Livvy and Cole have been beaming at each other since the moment they took their positions at the altar, but my gaze keeps drifting to my left.
Mariana.
Her lilac dress dances in the wind. She’d probably wear something like that to her own wedding—something light and bright just like her.
Our wedding.
It would be just the two of us, because my willful Mariana would probably decide to do it on a passionate impulse, like the night I baptized her. Maybe we’d do it at that very spot on the beach. At sunset of course, just like that magical night that changed my life forever.
“You’re going to have to officiate your own wedding, Pastor,” she’d say in that playful voice.
When mist rises to my eyes, I take a deep breath, pulling my attention back to the wedding. Longing won’t do me any good, and there’s a job to do, after all.
“I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty happy about this breeze.” My voice carries over the rhythmic pulse of the ocean. “If I sweat any more in this suit, this could become a really uncomfortable ceremony. For all of us.”
A few people chuckle, probably out of relief that I’m not going to deliver a fire and brimstone sermon at a wedding.
“We’ve come together on this beautiful day to celebrate something so special, so profoundly human. Love.”
Don’t look her way. Don’t do it.
I keep my eyes fixed on Livvy as she smiles up at Cole. He looks at her with heavy-lidded eyes, his smile faint. His hands tremble slightly at his sides. He looks like he can’t even believe his good fortune at getting to marry this woman.
I know exactly what he’s feeling.
I’d feel the same way if I were standing across from Livvy’s best friend.
“Love. Such a small word for something that carries so much weight, isn’t it? It isn’t just about heart-fluttering, knees-weak, rom-com moments.” My voice catches. “It’s about understanding, standing by each other when life gets messy. It’s about celebrating differences and cherishing commonalities.”
Both Cole and Livvy’s eyes grow misty. It’s their love story I’m here to honor.
I must keep my mind off Mariana.
“In a world that often feels like a tough place, we’re here celebrating love—this amazing, divine thing that brings us together. Love, in its purest, truest form, connects us on a deep, human level, yet it also points us toward the divine.”
My voice falters, and I take a steadying breath. My gaze once again finds Mariana. Her eyes meet mine, shining brightly.
Is this as hard for her as it is for me?
“And today, right here on this beautiful beach, we’re here to bless Livvy and Cole, to honor their journey of love.”
As I turn my attention back to Livvy and Cole, ready for their vows, my gaze lingers on Mariana one last time.
Love. It can be as vast as the ocean behind me and as piercing as the sun above.
And it can be painful.
Oh God, it can be painful.
She’s sitting at the bridal table, and her head is thrown back. She has such a wonderful laugh. So bright and ardent, just like her. She laughs with every part of that pretty heart-shaped face. Her eyes alight, and her huge grin shows all her teeth. I can’t stop myself from drinking in the sight.
I’m so absorbed in watching her that Sofia’s arrival startles me. She’s out of breath. “My dad wants to talk to you.”
I inhale a sharp breath. “What?”
Her brow furrows. “He promises he won’t be too intense. I guess the wedding made him a little emotional, and whatever he has to say can’t wait.” She smiles faintly. “You know how he is.”
Dizziness descends over me, making my pulse beat against my neck. “I never thought he’d want to talk to me at all. He said as much when he confronted me.”
She sets her hand on mine. “He was angry. I think he’s starting to cool down. To see Mariana’s perspective.”
My heart lurches. “Mariana talked to him?”
She nods. “She met with me and my parents a little bit after everything went down.”
I wish I could unravel every single detail of that conversation from Sofia’s mind, but I need to focus on the here and now. Hector wants to talk. That’s better than I ever could have hoped for.
“Send him over.”
She grins, giving my hand a squeeze before walking back to the other end of the tent. I watch her go before shifting my gaze to Mariana. She’s still glowing, smiling at her best friend.
My chest squeezes so tight it’s hard to take a breath. I knew this wedding would be difficult, but I didn’t think beyond the fact that I’d be close to the woman I love but can’t have. It somehow never occurred to me that my own wedding would be constantly on my mind.
The wedding that will never happen.
There’s no one for me but her.
I’m thankful to be pulled out of my head when Hector approaches my table. His body language is stiff but not angry. If anything, he seems a little nervous. I’ve never seen him nervous before.
The sight of it fills my heart with tenderness. If this really came about because he listened to Mariana, he’s made real progress in his relationship with her. In the four years I’ve known him, he’s never listened to her on serious topics. Not really listened. She’s his baby.
Maybe he’s starting to see her as a grown woman.
Maybe I should, too.
“You did well today,” he says as he sits across from me. “Always a charmer.”
I huff. “I don’t know about that.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “I want to talk to you about Mari.”
My pulse begins to pound. “Yeah?”
His dark eyes grow intense. “I want to apologize.”
“You do?
“I overreacted. I’ve always been too protective of my girls.” A sheepish smile tugs at his mouth. “It’s misogynistic, as Mari tells me. She’s twenty-four years old. She can make decisions for herself.” He shuts his eyes for a moment. “She loves you. I’d be a terrible father to get in the way of that.”
The lightheadedness that descends over me makes me momentarily insensible. Mariana loves me? She’s never said so.
Did I ever let her? I’ve been so consumed with guilt, I’m not sure I would have believed her even if she did.
I swallow. “She said that to you?”
“She did. She said she loves you with all her heart.”
My own heart soars into the sky. Holy fuck.
This is a woman who speaks the truth. The one I adore for her strong opinions. If she told Hector she loves me with all her heart, she really meant it.
“She said a lot of things.” Hector laughs softly. “I’m still processing most of it, but that girl knows her own mind. She always has. Ever since she was little. I don’t know why I tried so hard to change her. I should have known it was futile. She’s a powerhouse.”
An aching warmth fills my chest. He’s always been right about that. She’s the most remarkable person I’ve ever known. A bright light.
I could have learned from her from the very beginning, but somehow, I was too stubborn to acknowledge it.
I’ve been so like Hector in that regard, but he came around sooner than me.
He sets a firm hand on my shoulder. “There was more to your relationship than I thought, but even if there wasn’t, I shouldn’t have interfered. Brandon…” He shuts his eyes for a moment, and when he opens them again, they’re bright and shining. “You have my blessing. I’d be lucky to have you as a member of my family.”
I stare at him, my jaw slack. The world around me is buzzing with electricity.
“Thank you,” I manage to say, my voice hoarse with emotion. “I love you. I love your daughter. There’s nothing I want more than…” I avert my gaze to collect myself.
“I know.” He squeezes my shoulder before standing up. “I’ll stop blabbering. No need to make a scene at Livvy’s wedding.” He gives me an intense look. “I think maybe you need to talk to Mari.”
I nod, inhaling what feels like the first breath in these two weeks of misery. I want to go to her now. I want to beg her forgiveness for treating her like a child.
But would doing that really be for her or would it be for me? I want nothing more than a reason to take everything I want. To steal her away from her young world and make her mine. Is that desire clouding my judgment?
A moment after Hector leaves the table, Sofia joins me again. “I take it your talk went well?”
I swallow. “It did.”
She grins. “He’s really trying.”
“I can tell. He seems like a changed man.”
Her eyes grow unfocused as she stares down at her champagne glass. “Mari surprised us all. I think we’re all starting to see her in a different light. Especially me. She’s been so helpful since…” Sofia glances around the area as if looking for someone.
Ah, Finn.
She wants to make sure he isn’t listening.
“I told her everything that happened,” she continues. “And she’s given me so much wisdom. I never expected it, but that was probably stupid of me. She’s an old spirit.”
A chill ripples over my skin.
An old spirit.
Why did I never see it before? Sofia is absolutely right. My Mariana saw the measure of things from the very beginning. She knew that I was so in awe of her dad I was afraid to form my own opinions of her. I saw her as a baby because he did, too. But she taught us both a lesson.
She saw my struggles from the very beginning, all my human frailties. And she gently tried to coax me out of them.
I’m not my father. Interpreting my desire for Mariana—the most precious human being I’ve ever known—as lust inherited from him was foolishness.
Foolishness that came from terror. I saw the destruction my dad wrought on my mom’s life. How depressed and fragile he left her. It was agony to see her so unhappy. There was nothing I could do. Instead, I had to watch her slowly fade away. My precious mother withered like flower petals under the callous sun.
I never wanted to inflict the kind of pain my father did. Not on someone so precious to me.
But I did it anyway. Mariana loves me. Holy fuck, she loves me. And I tried to push her away.
Never again.
I inhale an unsteady breath. “Would it be inappropriate for me to talk to Mariana tonight?”
Sofia’s eyes grow wide. “You mean…about your relationship?”
I lift my hand and run my fingers through the hair at the crown of my head, now damp from sweat. “I’ve been an idiot. A selfish idiot when I thought I was being honorable. I thought I was doing what was best for her.”
Sofia’s smile grows cheeky, reminding me of my sweet Mariana. “From what I know about my sister, she’s the only person she’d ever let decide what’s best for her.”
The breathless laugh that escapes my chest is almost hysterical. Of course my Mariana would never let me make that decision, but I tried to force it on her anyway.
I’ve been a fool, and it’s time to make it right.