SWNOVELS Lust: Chapter 32
The day of the rehearsal dinner is here.
I’ll finally get to see her precious face. It’s been agony counting the minutes until now because I know what my restlessness means. When my mind was constantly on this night even as I tried to focus on other things, I knew.
I’ll never have peace. I’ll always be waiting to see her.
Waiting for something I’ll never have.
In my darkest moments, I wanted to rage at God for putting me in heaven only to take it away. I can’t in good conscience pursue Mariana after everything I’ve done.
Forcing a talk with her would be an excuse to be close to her, and I can’t do it. It’s selfish, and I’m doing everything in my power to show her how much I love her by letting her go.
Letting her go.
Fuck.
It feels like death.
After walking into the restaurant, I immediately spot her. Her hair is styled in loose waves. Her pale-pink dress makes her brown skin glow.
After taking a deep breath, I stride over to her, clutching my hands behind my back to hide the way they shake.
“Mariana,” I say, my voice steadier than I feel. She looks up, her brown eyes meeting mine. “I just want you to know that you don’t have to listen to my apology if you don’t want to hear it. This isn’t about me, and I’m sorry for pestering you with my texts.”
There, I said it. I brace myself for her reaction, something that indicates this moment means as much to her as it does to me. But what I get instead knocks the breath out of me.
“Okay,” she says, a neutral expression on her face. With that, she turns away from me.
“Okay?” I mutter, unable to help myself.
She smiles tightly before walking away, and a pang of loss grips my chest so tightly it’s hard to take a breath. How could the most beautiful relationship of my life end with a little “okay?”
A tap on my shoulder pulls me out of my head. I turn and find Sofia standing there, a soft smile on her face. The sight of her is bittersweet, a stark reminder of the moment my life imploded.
“You look handsome in your suit.”
I smile, shaking my head. “I’m overdressed. I had no idea it would be this casual.”
She shrugs one shoulder. “You’re the pastor. In this crowd, you’re a celebrity. You should be more dressed up than everyone else.” Her smile fades. “Can we…sit together at dinner tonight? I’d be more comfortable.” She twirls a finger around a strand of her long hair. “And I promise my dad won’t make it weird.”
Warmth spreads through me. It’s comforting to have a friend in the Hernandez family.
“Of course.” I smile. “I understand.”
A loud peal of laughter sends a rolling shiver down my spine.
Mariana.
Fuck, I love that sound. She laughs with so much abandon when she’s with people who let her be her bold self. She laughed like that with me sometimes.
Now, she’s laughing that way with Zac.
Oh Christ, am I going to have to watch them like this all night? Will I be sitting impotently with Sofia watching him fondle Mariana?
This is what it really means to be unselfish. This is what it means to show her that I love her enough to put her needs above my own.
I still want to rage against God. I want to throw her over my shoulder and take her somewhere far away from here.
I want to keep her there. Forever.
But I can’t.
I have to let her roam free.
Mariana
My heart is light, and my skin is warm and tingly. The champagne has been flowing all night, I’ve been a bit of a lush.
Oops.
It makes it so much easier to be around Brandon. I love Livvy too much to let my heartbreak ruin her wedding weekend. If I have to be a lush to get through tonight, so be it. Livvy doesn’t mind.
Beside me, Zac is laughing at something Cole just said. He’s been hanging all over me all night, which he tends to do when he’s buzzed. I usually nip it in the bud, but not tonight.
I’m making progress. I’m actually having fun tonight. My shattered heart is somehow as light as a million dandelion seeds drifting through the air, and I refuse to let Brandon bring me back to reality.
That’ll happen tomorrow when my buzz wears off.
“Alright,” Zac says. “We’re going downtown after this. Bar crawl.” He turns to me, leaning in close. “You up for it?”
From the corner of my eye, I see Brandon clench his jaw, but I avert my gaze. “I can’t stay out too long. I have to get up early for wedding stuff.”
He wrinkles his nose. “Bridesmaids have to do all the worst shit. All I have to do is put a suit on and I’m done. Alright—” he turns to the group “—we’ll be going to a few bars that remind us of Livvy and Cole. In fact, we’ll only go to the bars Cole wouldn’t let Livvy drink at that first night she went downtown.”
I snort at the memory. “That was the night before they finally hooked up.”
Livvy shushes me. “My aunt is right there.”
I wince. Maybe I’m a little tipsier than I thought I was. “Sorry.”
Across the room, Brandon’s eyes are still locked on us, a shadow cast over his handsome features.
Let him look. If he wanted things to change between us, he would have told me by now. He wouldn’t be sorry for “pestering” me with texts.
“Bathroom break?” Livvy smiles at me from across the table.
I shoot her a questioning look. She just came back from the bathroom. She must want to talk to me about something. I push my chair back and follow her through the crowded restaurant.
Inside the bathroom, it’s quiet and cool. Livvy pulls me into the big stall and locks the door.
“What’s up?” I ask.
She giggles, leaning against the wall. “Brandon looks like he’s about to throw hands at Zac.”
I snort, rolling my eyes. “He does seem to be in a pretty bad mood.”
Livvy’s giggles subside. “I mean it. He’s been watching you two all night. Glaring.” She shakes her head. “He’s acting like a jealous ex-boyfriend.”
I shrug. “He’s a jealous ex-fling.”
Livvy grabs my shoulders—a sign that she is, in fact, quite tipsy. My Liv is touchy and affectionate, but she’s not usually this forceful. “You deserve someone who’s all in. Not someone who wants to keep you from every other guy even though he won’t commit to you himself. Someone who’s letting his daddy issues stop him from giving you his whole heart.”
I let out a nervous laugh. “He’s your pastor. It’s a bummer that this is how you see him now because of everything I’ve told you.”
She scowls. “Don’t you dare blame yourself. You didn’t force him to sleep with you on a pastor retreat. You didn’t force him to bend you over his desk right in front of your sister in his church office.”
An almost hysterical giggle bubbles out of me. Ah, the absurdity of it all.
I never thought I would live a life like this.
Livvy’s big brown eyes are full of concern. “Maybe you should talk to him.”
“No.” I hate myself for the prickle of tears behind my eyes. Fuck champagne. “I’m not going to initiate anything. He already told me we don’t need to meet up and talk. That he’s sorry for pestering me.”
She scowls. “He said that?”
I nod jerkily.
She sighs, wrapping me in a hug. “He’s going to regret it. No one could pass up on you and not regret it.”
I giggle a little hysterically. “I love you.”
When Livvy and I walk out of the bathroom, Zac is standing at the bar right outside, a shot glass in each hand. The lights from the chandeliers reflect off the liquid, making it shimmer.
“Just in time!” Zac grins. “I want you guys to sneak these while the grownups aren’t looking. My treat in honor of the bride.”
Livvy glances at me, then at Zac. “I can’t. If I drink any more, I’m going to look like a zombie on my wedding day.”
“She’s not taking one.” I grab both glasses from Zac before Livvy gets a chance to change her mind. “I’ll drink in honor of the bride.”
I knock back the first shot, the burn searing my throat, then the second. The room spins a little as I slam the glasses on the counter. Livvy squeals, and Zac throws his arm around me and pulls me into a rough hug. I giggle, a warm glow spreading through me.
Then my eyes lock with Brandon’s. He’s walking toward the bathroom, his face rigid, eyes dark. His stare is so intense, it feels like a physical touch. He looks ready to explode.
Good. He needs to see the reality of his decision.
When we make it back to the table, I slump down in my seat, the world spinning a bit. I grab my napkin and discreetly wipe the drops of the shot that dripped down my dress. My cheeks burn when I see Brandon making his way back to his seat, his gaze fixed on me. The energy between us is electrifying and uncomfortable.
He has no right to act like a jealous boyfriend. This is Livvy’s night, and he’s making it all about me.
“Well,” I say loud enough for half the table to hear. “I’m feeling a little tipsy, so I should probably head home.”
Brandon’s gaze shifts to his glass of wine.
“We’ll be wrapping up soon,” Livvy says, her eyes full of concern. “Cole and I can take you home if you can wait ten minutes.”
“No, that’s okay.” I smile slowly, the alcohol fizzing in my veins making me bold. “I just texted a friend, and he’s already headed here to pick me up.”
Brandon’s head jerks up, his eyes narrowing on my face.
Fuck, why did I do that? There’s no reason to make him jealous when it won’t do either of us any good. Alcohol must be making me impulsive.
As soon as I make it to the concrete outside, I pull up the Uber app. I’m just about to order a car when a voice halts me.
“I know what you’re doing,” a deep voice resonates behind me.
I flip around, letting my skirt dance around my thighs. “What am I doing?”
He walks in my direction, his gaze hardening with each step. “You’re punishing me. Using this opportunity to show me how much I’m losing.”
His slight emphasis on “much” makes my heart flutter, but I manage a scoff. I cross my arms over my chest. “I’m not punishing you. I’m just trying to move on.”
Something flickers behind those dark eyes… Something that looks almost frantic. He looks away and takes a deep breath. “With Zac? Are you… Is it serious?”
The words are so faint. I can barely hear them. But the pain behind them is unmistakable. How could he be so silly? How could he think I want Zac when I love him with all my heart?
Probably because Zac is my age.
“No, of course not.” My voice is just above a whisper. “It’ll be a long time before I can…” I swallow. “Feel this way for someone else.”
He flinches as if I hit him. When his eyes meet mine again, they’re filled with agony.
“I’ll never feel this way for anyone else.” The words are hushed. “I’m so sorry, Mariana. I’m so sorry I did this to you.”
A small flicker of anger sparks within me, and my skin begins to vibrate. “Stop making this all about you. Everything that we did was my choice. The only thing that’s stopping me from being with you now is that you obviously don’t want an atheist. Which I understand. I honestly do. It would be hard—”
“Is that what you think?” he nearly shouts, his incredulity as clear as glass.
My anger is doused as if by a bucket of ice water. “How could I think anything else? You said it was about losing my family, but you’ve already lost them. What’s stopping you now from being with me?”
“Mari…” He shakes his head, stepping back. He’s quiet for a moment, as if collecting his thoughts. “How could you think… You have to understand that I’m doing this for you.” He huffs out a humorless laugh. “I must have some vestige of integrity left that I’m not taking you into my arms right now.”
I grunt, coldness clamping around my heart. “For once, I wish you’d choose me over your precious integrity. What does integrity even mean if it makes you hurt someone as much as you’re hurting me now?”
He doesn’t speak, and I find myself wishing I could huddle into a ball. Hide away from him like a child who feels like she’s disappeared when her eyes are shut.
“This right here.” He raises a hand. “This is why you terrify me.”
I frown, a strange emotion rising in my chest. “What are you talking about?”
He stares at me for a long moment, his eyes strange and remote. “I could worship you. I could give up the God I love. For you.”
I swallow. “I’d never ask you to do that.”
His lips tighten into a twisted smile. “I know you wouldn’t. That’s why you’re so remarkable, my Mariana. You called to my heart the same way God did four years ago. Except I wasn’t afraid of him. I’m afraid of you.”
“What are you afraid of?”
His eyes drift from the top of my head to my toes, then back up again. “I already threw my principles into the wind because I coveted you. I’m afraid of becoming so greedy for you that I’ll suffocate you. I have this wicked impulse to bind you and keep you all to myself.” His voice grows hushed. “Forever.”
When I smile and take a step in his direction, his expression grows almost fearful. Is he worried he’s not going to be able to stop himself from touching me?
Good.
“That doesn’t scare me,” I say. “No man could bind me if I didn’t want him to. If you’re able to keep me with you forever, it’s because I want to be there.”
He swallows. “You say that now. But who knows how you’d feel years from now. After graduate school. After giving your youth away to be with an old—”
“Brandon, if you call yourself an old man one more time, I might hit you.”
His lips quirk slightly, but that somber expression remains.
I let out a long breath, feeling like my spirit is drifting away with it. “You should go back inside before anyone notices you’re gone. And I think we should try not to interact at all at the wedding tomorrow.”
His dark eyes fill with pain, but he doesn’t say any more.