SWNOVELS Chapter 49
CHAPTER FORTY NINE STRANGE MORNING ROUTINES
“Absolutely not, I forbid it!” Jasmine gaped at Gary as if he’d just revoked her hot water privileges forever. No way am I letting you start drying my unmentionables on those creepy twisted racks outside on the fire escape!”
Gary simply sniffed, adjusting his spectacles in that infuriatingly dismissive way he did whenever Jasmine pointed out the blatant insanity of one his ritualistic routines. “I will thank you not to disparage the time- honored practice of air–drying delicates for maximal longevity.”
“Oh yeah?” Jasmine rounded on him, planting her hands on her hips. If this hippy–dippy weirdo thought he could start stringing up her panties like freaky Feng Shui wind chimes for the neighborhood pervs, he had another thing coming.
“Well in case you haven’t noticed, this isn’t the Victorian era- it’s the 21st century, pal! People have these revolutionary new inventions called clothes driers that, you know…DRY CLOTHES.”
She punctuated the last few words by jabbing Gary in his bony chest, her voice rising in a combination of outrage and resigned acceptance that no week went by without a new domestic clash of wills in this cramped apartment from hell.
“Your petulant insistence on using those environmentally irresponsible ovens is what’s truly passé!” Gary retorted hotly, swatting her finger away. “Do you have even the faintest inkling of the fossil fuels consumed and greenhouse emissions generated by–”
“La la la, I can’t hear your tree–hugging diatribe over my own internal screaming!”
Jasmine abruptly cut him off, hands clamped over her ears as she started belting out an earsplitting set of “vocals” to drown out the familiar cadence of his unavoidable lectures. “Humanity bad, mother earth.. good…yadda yadda…!”
Gary deflated somewhat, shooting her a petulant look that would’ve been comical on anyone other than a grown man child. I’m simply trying to open your close–minded perspective to the benefits of natural-” “Yeah, screw that!” Jasmine whirled on him, scooping her blouses and uniforms out of the laundry basket he’d already begun separating with his trademark fussiness.
“If you wanna rock your eco–martyr aesthetic with your fancy handmade lye soaps and air–drying undies like the world’s creepiest Old Spice ad, be my guest…”
She sent him a saucy wink, secretly relishing the flicker of bewilderment and indignation playing across Gary’s angular features. “But these threads are going the old–fashioned way – hot water, double rinse, and mechanized heated tumlbing for a plush–yet–wrinkle free finish!”
“You savage…!” Gary hissed, making an ineffectual swipe for her bundled laundry as she skipped backwards towards the hall.
“That’s a grievous misuse of precious resources and modern pseudo–conveniences! Do you deny climate change is even a factor in our worsening environmental crises??”
“Ooh, big words from Dr. Zahoori over here!” Jasmine called over her shoulder as she shouldered open the hall door. “Why don’t you stick to the facts you’re actually qualified to ramble about…like the caloric intake of a head of romaine lettuce or the bodily benefits of vinegar fool’s baths!”
With that final jab, she slammed the door behind her, muffling whatever spittle–flecked tirade of rage and dismay Gary had been working himself into. Chuckling to herself, Jasmine clutched her laundry basket close and took off down the corridor towards the communal laundry room.
This latest quarrel had been relatively tame as far as her and Gary’s interminable clashes went.
No food or dangerous wildlife had been deployed as weapons this time, at least – simply another in their endless series of domestic ideological clashes.
And while Jasmine would never openly admit it, some part of her even looked forward to the verbal sparring on some perverse level these days.
Jasmine clutched her laundry basket close and took off down the corridor towards the communal laundry room, chuckling to herself over her latest petty victory against Gary’s eccentricities.
This quarrel had been relatively tame compared to their usual domestic clashes. No food weapons or dangerous wildlife had been deployed this time – just another in their endless series of ideological battles.
Though she’d never admit it, Jasmine almost looked forward to the verbal sparring on some level these days. Keeping her perpetually off–balance and engaged was the only way to stay sane while cohabitating with her certifiably bonkers roommate.
Little did she know, an even bigger bathroom–based problems was brewing back at the apartment…
The next morning. Jasmine awoke to a horrifically amplified sound resonating through the walls – a haunting, pulsating bellow not unlike a whale’s mating call. She shot upright in bed, sandy eyes blinking in confusion as the strange noise seemed to reverberate In her very bones.
“What in the actual….
Throwing off her covers, Jasmine shuffled out to the living room, following the surreal sounds to their source – Gary’s bedroom door. Of course it was him, she should have known. Taking a fortifying breath, she pounded on the wood with her fist-
“Gary! Hey Gary, open up! What’s with all the…whale noises?”
There was a brief pause, and then the incessant cetacean crooning abruptly cut off. A moment later, the door creaked open to reveal Gary poking his head out, beady eyes peering at her over the rims of his amber spectacles.
“Can I help you?” he asked mildly, seemingly oblivious to Jasmine’s addled state.
“Help me? You just woke me up with what sounded like a village of mating humpbacks!” she sputtered, still blinking sleep from her eyes. “What’s the big idea, huh? You finally snap and decided to become an underwater acoustics performance artist or something?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Gary sniffed, mustard–colored bathrobe swirling around his bony ankles as he emerged fully from his room. “Those were simply the customized ambiance channels I utilize during my morning ablutions and meditations.”
Jasmine stared at him, dumbfounded. She didn’t know whether to laugh or just give up on
comprehending the outer limits of her roommate’s insanity altogether. Whale sounds? Ambiance
channels? During his morning routine? Just how unhinged did one man have to be?
Seeming to sense the well of bewilderment bubbling up inside her, Gary clicked his tongue in a longsuffering way.
“Look, clearly you are still half in the thrall of sleep inertia and cannot properly contextualize the holistic importance of my daily rituals. Come, allow me to demonstrate – perhaps then you’ll appreciate the full breadth of their benefits.”
Without waiting for Jasmine’s input, he spun on his heel and strode down the hall towards the bathroom, his bathrobe flapping behind him like austere wings. She could only gape after him for a heartbeat before instinct took over.
“Oh no, don’t you dare start–”
Too late. Gary had already shut the bathroom door behind him with a decisive click. A few moments later, the electronic tones of whale song filtered back into the living room, quickly increasing in volume and intensity once more.
Even more maddeningly, steam began to seep out from the crack beneath the door, smelling faintly of… sandalwood?
Jasmine surged forward, laid hands on the door handle but of course it was locked, because what twisted little sanctum sanctorum would be complete without an airtight seal? She rattled the handle furiously, shouting to be heard over the bizarre ambiance.