SWNOVELS Chapter 45
CHAPTER FORTY FIVE RULES OF THE HOUSE
“Well come in, come in! No use standing out there in the hall, we’ve got plenty to discuss!” Gary bustled back into the apartment without preamble, leaving Jasmine to trail after him in a mild daze.
As soon as she stepped over the threshold, she felt her jaw slacken in stunned amazement. This place was…immaculate didn’t even begin to cover it. The spacious open floor plan was bathed in warm natural light from the huge picture windows and looked absolutely pristine.
Not a single stray item, stain, or scuff marred the pale hardwood floors. The minimalist modern furniture appeared meticulously positioned and the kitchen could have graced the cover of an interior design magazine.
“Welcome to our humble abode! Well, humble perhaps isn’t quite the right descriptor- this domicile is the platonic ideal of form meets function. Not a single element out of place!” Gary proclaimed proudly, whirling about with a sweeping gesture as if unveiling a grand palace.
Jasmine blinked slowly, struggling to reconcile this image of spotless perfection with the eclectic persona of her new roommate. “It’s…incredible. Truly. You must spend hours keeping it all looking like this!
Gary flashed her a rather unsettling grin, adjusting his thick spectacles in a way that made the lenses glint ominously. “Oh indeed, indeed! Maintaining an environment of such pristine orderliness is a perpetual undertaking I can assure you. Which reminds me…”
He clapped his hands together crisply, green eyes fixing Jasmine with an intensity that left her feeling mildly interrogated.
“We simply must go over the household protocols and preferred organizational schema before you get too settled! I have certain…strategies and systems, you see, that brook no deviation if we’re to continue enjoying these atmospherically hygienic accommodations.”
“O–Okay…” Jasmine replied automatically, attempting to keep up with the tornado of Gary’s mile–a–minute cadence. Already, a bead of trepidation trickled down her spine at the obsessive glint shining in those beady eyes.
What exactly had she gotten herself into here?
“Superb! Then if you’d follow me, we can commence with the official guided orientation tour.”
Gary spun on his heel and set off down the hallway without waiting for
hurry after him with her meager belongings in tow.
a response, forcing Jasmine to
First, he led her to the cavernous master bathroom, practically vibrating with glee as he revealed various labeled storage cubbies and detailed the arcane sorting system he implemented for toiletries,
medication, even…feminine hygiene products.
When Jasmine tried to politely demur learning more about that last category, Gary simply barreled onward without heeding her discomfort.
Next, they moved to the spare bedroom – which, to Jasmine’s surprise, looked more
like an impersonal hotel room than a living space. Not a single personal effect or decoration adorned the stark white walls and furnishings, aside from a small placard displaying the wifi password on the nightstand.
“This will be your personal quarter!” Gary announced with a flourish, as if bestowing a great gift upon her. “You’ll note it meets all baseline criteria for satisfactory habitation and slumbering. No muss, no fuss!
HJUSE
Though you are permitted a single framed photograph on the nightstand if you simply must indulge your sentimental needs”
He flashed her another one of those tight, mirthless smiles that made the hairs prickle on the back of Jasrnine’s neck. “Of course, you’ll be expected to maintain strict hygienic protocols for this room – the cleaning schedule and checklist will be provided to you in the welcome packet.”
Jasmine opened her mouth to protest, to ask just what gave him the right to micromanage her private space to such an outrageous degree…when Gary was abruptly off again like a deranged jack–in–the–box, striding towards the bedroom he evidently claimed as his own domain.
She sighed, resigning herself to simply trailing meekly behind for now and absorbing the mix of bizarre particulars being heaped upon her.
Gary’s quarters were, natually, just as oppressively spartan and pristine as the spare room – aside from a dizzying array of whiteboards, chalkboards, and bulletin boards crammed with indecipherable equations, notes, and diagrams.
As Gary launched into a long–winded explanation of his personal organization methods, complete with recommended flowcharts and spreadsheets for “optimizing workflow“, Jasmine felt the first prickling of serious doubt seeding her mind.
Just how badly did she need this living situation? Enough to tolerate being micromanaged to this degree by a person who was quite possibly certifiably disturbed?
By the time he wrapped up the dizzying “orientation” by covering the kitchen and its labeled storage nirvana, Jasmine’s head was pounding from information overload.
Gary, however, looked more invigorated than ever as he removed a comically thick binder from the immaculate counter with a mundane flourish.
“And finally….the supreme codex! This comprehensive compendium details and diagrams every single system, protocol, and preference that we’ll be expected to adhere to in order to maintain a harmonious. and hygienic cohabitation.”
Jasmine stared at the tome with no small amount of trepidation, already sensing the massive weight of her new roommate’s obsession about to be heaped onto her shoulders. Sure enough, Gary briskly flipped through the dense pages, pointing out various subsections with great import:
*Section 1.3b: Bathroom Facilities Maintenance and Hygiene Regulations, 2.4: Approved and Prohibited Refrigerator Storage Guidelines, 4.2a: Enforced Quiet Hours and Audio/Visual Media Policy…”
On and on it went, Gary rattling off more and more byzantine codes with relentless enthusiasm. Jasmine felt her willpower deflating by the second, a rising tide of hopeless despair threatening to drown her.
“So! Now that you’ve received the full immersive orientation experience, I’ll leave you to peruse the codex in full at your leisure!”
Gary gave an infuriatingly chipper smile as he finally concluded, sliding the hefty binder across the pristine counter towards her.
“And then if you’ll just complete and submit these onboarding forms in triplicate by 8pm this evening, we’ll be ready to go forth in complete organizational harmony tomorrow!”
Jasmine stared numbly at the stack of paperwork easily rivaling a Narnia–length novel. This…this level of micromanagement and bureaucracy was surely too much for any sane person to endure.
Already she could envision her creativity, her very soul being systematically smothered day by day under the crushing weight of Gary’s authoritarian regime.
No…she couldn’t do this. It was too much, too far. Surely there had to be other options out there still,
US OF THE HOUSE
anything but subjecting herself to this utterly stifling environment and its deranged dictator.
Jasmine drew a fortifying breath, her fingers tightening around the binder’s spine as Gary watched her expectantly, those beady green eyes glittering with unnerving intensity. But then reality crashed over her like a cold wave.
Without this place, she’d have nowhere to go except imposing on Claire even longer.
Gritting her teeth, Jasmine forced a pained smile. “You know what, Gary? This all seems…rigorous, but I’m sure I can manage if I apply myself.” She swallowed hard. “I’ll take the room and review the protocols tonight.”
Gary’s face split into a manic grin, reminding Jasmine of a hungry crocodile. “Capital, capital! I know you
see reason once the unvarnished majesty of my domestic kingdom was laid bare.”
He shoved the stack of paperwork back towards her. Sign everywhere marked, mmyes, then we’ll be all settled in shipshape!”
Feeling like she was inking her own prison sentence, Jasmine grabbed a pen and began filling out the draconian “onboarding forms” covering every aspect of her life.
At least she had a roof over her head, she told herself. Surely she could endure this…bizarre situation, at least temporarily.
Later that night, Jasmine was regretting her decision. She tossed and turned, unable to sleep thanks to the sounds of loud, guttural chanting and strange noises coming from Gary’s room. Wrapping her robe around herself, she crept to the door and eased it open a crack
The sight that greeted her was straight out of a cult horror movie. Gary was in the middle of the living. room, surrounded by a circle of lit candles and various crystal figurines.