SWNOVELS Love to Hate You: Chapter 38
I sit on the grassy bank, staring across the lake. There’s not much of a breeze tonight, so the water is calm and serene, which is a direct contrast to everything that riots inside me. It’s been more than an hour since I hauled ass from that party and still panic crashes through my veins making it difficult to breathe. I toss the mangled blade of grass I’ve been twisting in my fingers.
If I’d thought a little time and distance would make me feel better about what happened—what almost happened—it doesn’t. The pit that has taken up residence in the bottom of my gut continues to churn.
I snap off another blade of grass as the situation plays in my head on a constant loop. I’m furious with myself for allowing this to happen. The knowledge that I almost hit someone is enough to knock the breath from my lungs. I was moments away from plowing my fist into that asshole’s face. If Daisy hadn’t caught my attention, I would have done it without thinking twice.
The way he grabbed her, yanked her head back…
I just…lost it.
My temper went from zero to sixty in less than two seconds flat. That never happens. Because I don’t allow it to. Outside of football, I’ve never hit anyone.
A cold sweat pops out across my brow as I drag a hand over my face.
I refuse to be anything like my father. I refuse to allow my emotions to get the better of me.
To have that much rage pumping through my system…
That’s not who I am.
Everything in my life is controlled. My feelings are always contained. But that’s not the case right now. Daisy makes me feel things I’ve never experienced before. I’m neither controlled nor contained with her.
The faint strains of an engine grow louder. The park closed at nine o’clock and it’s after ten. The last thing I need is another run-in with one of the rangers. I focus on the moonlight reflecting off the glassy surface of the lake and hope that whoever it is will drive on by, leaving me in peace.
When someone settles next to me, I inhale a breath before forcing it out again. Without glancing in her direction, I know it’s Daisy.
The fact that she knew where to find me…
Emotion blooms in my chest and I quickly snuff it out.
Everything in me goes on high alert waiting for her to bombard me with questions. But she doesn’t. Instead, she sits quietly beside me. One by one, my muscles loosen. Crickets chirp a symphony around us, and still Daisy doesn’t say a word. From the corner of my eye, I watch as she draws her knees to her chest and rests her chin on them.
“What happened wasn’t your fault, Carter,” she whispers.
I tear off another blade of grass and shrug.
She’s wrong about that. It was entirely my fault. Unlike my father, I take responsibility for my actions. I don’t twist things around and point fingers the way he does. With Philip Prescott, the blame always lies with someone else for pushing him into reacting.
I am not that guy. I will never be that guy.
“I lost control,” I admit. “Whether you want to believe it or not, what happened is my fault.”
Daisy shakes her head, ready to argue the point. “But that guy—”
“No!” I cut in and thump my chest with my fist. “Losing my temper is on me. Not him.”
Doesn’t she understand that?
If I excuse myself for losing control and getting physical, then I have to excuse my father for all the times he’s done the same damn thing. I refuse to do that.
“There were other ways to handle the situation and I chose not to.” I’m embarrassed to say that they weren’t even a consideration. “Tonight, I was my father’s son.” Disgust burns a hole through my gut.
Daisy pales under the moonlight.
Good. She should be disgusted by what lives deep inside me. I’ve always assumed that I could control my reactions. To realize that I can’t is a bitter pill to swallow.
“You don’t really believe that?” Her voice drops. “You are nothing like your father.”
I’m frustrated by her lack of understanding. It’s obvious that she wants to sweep this incident under the rug and pretend it never happened.
Well, I can’t do that.
“I’ve always lived my life by a strict set of rules. And tonight, I blew them to hell. They didn’t even exist,” I ground out.
In the blink of an eye, my life has spun so far out of control that I barely recognize it.
“Who am I if I can’t hold myself in check?” I ask. “What makes me any different than my father?”
“That guy didn’t give you a choice in the matter,” she shoots back.
Maybe she believes that, but I don’t.
I shake my head. “There is always a choice.” Desperation eats me alive. “And to say that there isn’t, is to abstain yourself of responsibility.”
“Oh, Carter…” she whispers.
When she reaches out to touch me, I flinch from the contact. The last thing I want is Daisy’s comfort. I don’t deserve it. Her eyes fill with unshed tears as she retracts her hand, tucking it back around her knees.
“I don’t know how to make this better,” she admits, her voice thick with emotion.
For the first time since she’s taken a seat beside me, I turn my head and meet her eyes.
“There’s nothing you can do. What happened tonight,” I shake my head as disgust crashes through me. “It can’t happen again. I don’t lose control like that.” Bile rises in my throat because I know exactly what can happen when it does.
I rip my gaze from hers and stare into the darkness. This place has always been a balm for me. I’ve always been able to pull myself back together again, but it’s not happening this time.
I’m a mess.
“You are nothing like your father,” she growls.
But that’s the thing, how different can we be if I was so quick to violence? If I resorted to using my fists without giving it a second thought?
“We’re more alike than I want to believe.” That thought sickens me.
“No, you’re not!” she snarls. “You are nothing like him! Why can’t you see that?”
This conversation is going nowhere. Daisy doesn’t get it. And she never will. I’ve done everything in my power to be the exact opposite of my father and to realize with one fucking mistake that I’m not, is a real kick in the ass.
The air gets sucked from my lungs and suddenly, I can’t breathe. The one girl I want more than anything, the one who has never been far from my thoughts, is the one person I can’t have. All my emotions hurtle to the surface with her and there is no holding back. Nothing is restrained. Only now do I realize how dangerous that kind of intensity can be.
My relationship with Daisy is only just beginning and look at me.
Look at what I’m capable of.
At what I’ve become.
“I can’t do this.” The words bleed from my lips before I can staunch the flow. Even though they nearly kill me, there’s relief to be found in them. And that’s what I latch onto. “I’m sorry.”
Her eyes widen, and she whispers, “Are you serious?”
“Yeah,” I rasp. “I can’t do this.”
Daisy’s mouth falls open. “Carter, please. Just think about this—”
“No,” I bite out as I shake my head. “This is the way it has to be. I’m sorry.”
She sucks in a breath. For a moment, she looks like she’ll argue. My body tenses as I wait for the onslaught.
Instead, she snaps her mouth closed and jerks her head into a tight nod. “If that’s what you want.”
What I want?
No. This isn’t what I want at all, but it’s what I need. And I’m smart enough to realize the difference.
“It is.”