Love is Weakness. [1]

Conan.

I'm drowing. Drowning in pain, drowning in guilt, drowning in grief. I'm drowning and I'm absolutely fine with that. Everytime I think the pain is going to consume me whole Stacia does something to pull me back from it. I hate her for it, but at the same time it relieves me. I know she feels guilty and I want to take away that guilt but I can't. I can't find my voice, I can't find anything but pain. Everywhere I look I see Avril's body. Covered in blood, her innocent face now ruined with dark red blood. If I had never brought her with me she would still be alive today. Avril has saved me from myself so many times, she pulled me up when I was under. But now.. Now I'm drowning in the grief over her and she isn't there to save me. I'm thankful for Stacia's understanding, not once did she try to speak or force me to do anything. She stays close to me at all times. When I get lost in my thoughts, she takes care of me. Still I can't shake that feeling that I've been pushing down since the night it happend. I keep seeing her protecting Eadon. She protected him, if only she would stand the other way.. Fortunally Orcan is calm now that Stacia is close all the time. He grieves but the presence of Stacia makes him stronger. I haven't had a fever since she came with me. When we slept in the same bed, her front to my back I felt content. My thoughts stopped and I could finally sleep. Finally be without nightmares. Finally not being haunted by blood.

When Pops send me out of the kitchen I immediatly felt the loss of Stacia close to me. I wait just outside the door and thankfully I don't have to wait long. She stills next to me and I know she is waiting for me to move, but honestly I don't know where to go. I see Stacia move a step foward in the corner of my eye.

'Avril..?' She sets another step forward. I look towards the direction she is looking in. Outside Avril's twinsister Alexa walks over the field. Stacia sets another step forward, sobs coming from deep within her throat. 'Avril.. O my god.' I walk up to her and hold her in my arms.

'That's her twin sister.' my voice sounds harsh from not speaking for days. 'She had a twin sister?' Stacia starts crying even louder and I hold her tighter. To be honest, I don't hold her because she needs it, but I really need it. Seeing Alexa from this distance makes her look just like Avril. I know from up close she has little freckles on her nose that Avril didn't. Her eyes are ones of a shy wildflower where Avril's were full of fight. We stand there for a while, Stacia crying loudly but me.. Her scent calms me. I have my nose in her hair and it smells delicious. Her nails in my back feel like they belong there. Just like her body fits perfectly in mine. Her warmth radiating off of her and her tears soaking my shirt. Out of nowhere Stacia pulls back and I almost whimper of the lost.

'You spoke..' she says with a smile. Her eyes are red and her cheeks are wet. She looks like a mess but she is still beautiful.

'Yes, I spoke.' I say back. Her eyes sparkle at me and she pulls me in for a hug again. This time she doesn't cry, her nails aren't painfully in my back instead her hands move up and down in a soothing gesture. I don't need her pity. I pull back and start walking towards our room. I know she is confused, but still she follows me. Once upstairs I take off my clothes. I lay in bed once again but this time when Stacia gets in I don't turn my back to her. I grab her and pull her against me. Her front against mine, my nose in her hair and a leg over her legs. Soon I'm off to sleep.

We have woken up and showered. We both got into black outfits for the ceremony. It lasts two days. The first day we mourn the loss and bury her. The second day we celebrate her life and share our stories of her. I look at Stacia while she puts on high black heels that fits with her pitch black dress. She also wears a black hat that halfway covers her eyes. In a flash the bedroom door opens and someone runs past me quickly. All I can see is ginger hair passing me by.

'ANASTACIA!' It's her friend Tiff that now has Stacia in a tight hug. Both are sobbing loudly. I walk out of the room to give them privacy when I see Duncan standing there with an apologetic smile. I almost forgot he is mated to Tiff. If I could I would have been happy for him. But especially this far away from Stacia all I feel is pain. Unfortunally Duncan walks with me. I don't even know where I'm going I'm just walking down the hall. It's a long hall in a square. After some minutes we come by the bedroom again.

'What are you going to do? Are you going to reject her still?' Duncan asks me. I turn my gaze to him, looking right through him. I don't know if I'm going to reject her. I know that as long as I don't mark her I can't be too far away from her but honestly for now I don't want to. I don't know how to get back to the life I used to had, but I also don't know how I can have a life if I always have to linger around her. I know myself and once I'm past this intense pain I will want my solitude again. So I don't answer the question but simply shrug my shoulders. I don't want to talk to Duncan anyway. I walk in opossite direction to go get Stacia. When I walk back in the bed room her eyes immediatly finds mine. She stands up, whispers some words to Tiff and follows me out.

It's a fifteen minute walk through the woods to get to the cemetery. Stacia walks next to me, she looks strictly at the ground. She hasn't said anything since we left the house. She just whiped away her tears, but her tortured face is still there. White blossoms appear in front of us and I know we're almost here. The moment Pops became Alpha he had them planted around the whole cemetery. He didn't want the fallen to be left in darkness but in light. However the cemetery still has a dark gate like all cemetries do. Some people have already arrived, they stand a little at the back. Pops told me we could stand in the front, since he knew how close Avril and I were. I see Alexa already standing there. I go stand next to her, but I don't look at her.

'I understand, we look to much alike. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore.' she whispers to me. 'I loved her so much. She was my other half, she was my guardian. She was my everything. She would have kicked my ass if she saw me cry like this.' She chuckles a little through her tears and I fake chuckle back. I feel Stacia's eyes in my back so I grab her arm and pull her beside me. She is my Luna, atleast for now, so she has to stand next to me. When she looks at me I see her stare fall on Alexa. Her face grows pale for a minute, but she shakes her head and walks over to Alexa. She pulls her in a tight hug, I hear Alexa exhale.

'I'm so sorry.' Stacia whispers in her ear. Alexa pulls back and nods. 'Thank you.' is her answer. I know what Stacia meant with her apology. Her eyes meet mine and she goes to stand next to me again. She puts a hand on my arm as if she needs me to keep up straight. So I grab her elbow and keep her up.

Her death was one we did not forecast. One where we did not think we could only see her in our memories. We did not forsee the pain that would wash over us. Avril was a fighter. She fought for each and ever innocent soul. Not just the ones she cared about. She was pure, one with a good heart. A rebel that used her tantrums for good. Her sisters Alexa and Ariana, her brother Conan, not by blood but by bond connected with her. May the Goddess give her all the light Avril gave to us. May she find her rest and look upon us smiling. She will always be remembered.

After Pops preach Alexa finds her way next to him. She talks about all the times Avril has rescued her after dragging her out the house to get out of the books. She shares her love for Avril. Ariana is after her, saying some short words through her tears. Pops nods at me and I let go of Stacia. I stand next to him while I look at her grave. The coffin is beautiful, it is incarved with Dalia's. Her favorite flowers.

'I remember when we were young I had stolen a candy bar from the store. I was about twelve years old back then. Avril wasn't with me, obviously. Because she always talked us out of getting in trouble. When the manager of the store caught me he asked me for my mother's number. I was too scared to give it him ofcourse, so I gave him the first number I could think off. It was Avril's. Through the phone she convinced him to let me go. Promising that I would be back within an hour with the money to buy the candy. She said that she had forgotten to give me money. I had a huge grin on my face when I came back to camp and walked up to Avril. However the moment I was close enough she hit me on the back of my head. I will never forget what she said back then. Don't you ever again do anything that can cause me to lose you. She was a part of me that I never understood. A love that went beyond friendship. A friendship that went beyond family. She always took care of me, just like she did when she died fighting. I will have to find a way to take care of myself now. But I do now that if I ever get in trouble again, she'll be up there looking at me with a scowl on her face. Counting all the times she has to hit me when I come join her.'

Some people laugh through the tears. I pick a rose from the vase that Pops is holding and put it on her coffin. 'I love you.' I whisper before walking away from the cemetery, away from a friend that I will never see again.