Let the Darkness In

I trudged back homeward, feeling the trees and life respond, unfurling their leaves in welcome. Even though it had only been a day, I had never missed my home more. But I was back in its embrace, safe and it was glad to have me returned.

I went to sit by the pool - knowing the moment I went home, I would either have to face my own guilt at what I had done to Ysymay or face her wrath. Drawing my cloak around me, I sat with my back against a tree, watching the silvery orb of the moon.

A warmth stole over me and my eyelids felt prickly and heavy. They slowly dropped downwards and my body succumbed to sleep.

I awoke with a jolt; dazed and confused. Something was not right. It was not a bad dream or the onset of an illness. It was a sick feeling that twisted my gut. As I struggled awake, the hairs on the back of my neck rose. I was not alone.

At first, I didn’t see her but I felt her presence. Everything around me had fallen still - it was like a blanketed had smothered everything. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw the silhouette, rippling, a shade of onyx against the night.

Hello Siofra.

The voice was inside my head, sharp, scything. Every muscle tensed. Ready for fight or flight.

Was it the mother? No, this voice chilled my bones.

You’re starting to understand.

The moon slipped out from beneath the cover of the clouds and I saw the woman.

She was tall, taller than most women I had seen, at least a head above my own. As she turned fully towards me, I bit back a gasp. The entire right side of her face was a mess of churned skin, blackened and blistered.

Your foot, my face. Your face. My face. You don’t know who I am girl but you and I have a lot in common.

I felt a shiver thrill down my spine, and it wasn’t unpleasant.. Those village people had been thin, pinched, starving but they were perfect in their eyes. This woman before me was clearly of a different ilk. She was me. If she went into that village she would be shunned too. Because she was different.

We can help one another.

My blood turned to ice. You never made deals unless you knew absolutely what the price was. Since I was old enough to wander the forest on my own, Ysymay had taught me that. For years, I had avoided all sorts of deals and bargains with the fairies, the nymphs, the tree spirits, tempting as they had been.

Until now.

Now I had a reason. Now I had vengeance burning deep. And I would do anything to make them pay.

“What do you want me to do?” I tried to make my voice sound disinterested, trying to hide my real emotion.

“There’s a land beyond these trees. A land where kings rule. There is a prince. I want you to bring him to the dark fortress south of his kingdom.”

I frowned and shifted my position.

“How does this help me?”

For a start, someone like me did not become a princess. And I had no desire to flit around in a fancy gown.

“When you bring him to me,” hot breath blew into my ear as the woman moved to stand beside me. So close, I could smell something bitter and foul. “His blood will let the legions rise, living or dead.. All the souls persecuted for who they are, for all the souls forbidden to use magic.”

I understood. These were the people like me, living on the edge of the human world, on the fringes of society. People had been burnt, tortured and exiled for embracing the gifts of the gods. Now, I could join them. My mind hungered to see this, to unite with my kin but my heart was halting.

“Why the prince? Can you not call them now?”

There was a shift in the air around me and I felt the heat of hate. “Because it’s his bloodline that have made us suffer. Don’t you want revenge? Don’t you want to make them suffer?”

Adrenaline was surging to my heart, my hands were shaking. But I thought of Ysymay’s kind face, of all those times she had taught me to show kindness. Of the warning of the mother. But then I thought of those cruel eyes, those hands so keen to lay on the blows. But to travel to an unknown land, to mingle among thousands and make a prince call for me…

“You have one day to decide. Meet me here tomorrow.”

I slumped, knowing I had time.

“Whatever your answer, you will meet me here at midnight.”

The wind stirred and she was gone. I was left feeling like I had stepped out of my body. Had I had dreamt the whole thing? Perhaps I had? I blamed the lack of food, the trauma of my ordeal. I lay down, staring through the canopy of branches to the stars glinting in the skies above. They would guide me. When I woke in the morning, I would be able to make sense. Curling up, I prayed I had no more nightly visits. I would make my choice in the morning.

Daylight woke me and I stretched, feeling a warm sun washing over me. My hands curled into the earth beneath my fingers. Here was home. Smiling, I sat up and then froze. A dead bird hung from the branches before me. I knew it then. The woman from last night had been no apparition.

So I had a choice to make.

I trudged home, my mind weighing up every possibility.

But all thoughts of adventure were quickly set aside when I walked through the door.

Ysymay was sat on the stool, still wearing her night gown and clutching my combe. Her eyes were red and bloodshot as she turned them on me. For a second, it was almost as if she didn’t recognise me. Then they widened.

Her eyes took in my cut face, the bruise I could feel on my cheek, and my snarling hair.

“What did you do?” she sounded weary.

Tears pricked my eyes. I came and knelt before her, taking her rough hands between mine. “I am so sorry. But I had to see what the real world was like. What they were like. I wanted to know.”

“And now you know.”

As I looked into those eyes and then moved to the unmade palette in the corner of the room, the hide that marked my room for sixteen years, I made up my mind. It wasn’t without its own pain.

“I didn’t listen. I did exactly the one thing you told me not to do. I am so sorry. I have learnt my lesson.”

Her hands broke out of mine and she raised her head.

“You know why. You’ve never been my prisoner.”

“You’ve done what any mother would do, and for that I am grateful.” I felt a raw lump in my throat and my eyes filled with warm tears. “But now I know what they’re like, I need to leave this place. I need to find others like me - to help protect me.” I felt a roll of nausea and hoped my face didn’t betray my lie.

Ysymay’s whole body tensed and she grabbed my shoulders. Her eyes were wide, her face twisted.

“No, no! Surely that taught you the only place you can live is here!”

I felt a spark inside of me. Ysymay had only the best intentions but now there was so much more in the world beyond, I could not carry on with the life I best knew. She had only the best intentions for me, and I was beyond thankful for what she had done for me. Now, I had my own choice to make and she would not hold me back.

“I have to do this, Ysymay, for me. You cannot protect me forever.” The words were heavy with meaning. I didn’t have to spell it out. Ysymay was growing older and she wouldn’t be there forever. She had taught me all she knew, but there were some things she could never teach me.

“Please, Siofra.” Now the tears were flowing down her cheeks, but her voice sounded resigned like she already knew the answer.

That night was our last night together. We did as we always had done - shared our meal and whispered our blessings over the forest. I crawled beside Ysymay and slept beside her that night, hugging the only person who had ever shown me kindness.

In the morning, she didn’t go to the village, knowing full well the chaos I had left behind. They didn’t know Ysymay had any connection to me but we both knew it would only be a matter of time before they put two and two together. By then, I would long be gone and Ysymay would be safe.

We took a walk around the forest, making sure everything was as it should be. The creatures came to greet us but none knew of the real reason I was leaving. In fact, even Ysymay herself did not know half of it. I had told her that I needed to find somewhere safe, to outrun the words of the mother. A chill ran through me as I thought of the imminent meeting with the dark woman.

When we returned home, Ysymay drew out a dirty and worn map, inked onto a piece of hide. The years had faded it, and in some parts it was hard to read but it would do just fine. For the first time in my life, I finally discovered the world. She showed me the capital city, where the king sat, the fields of lush fertility and then the barren wastes beyond the castle, deeper south. The curse had been true.

Then she showed me the old fortress.

“You must never go there,” Ysymay’s finger hovered over the drawing of craggy rocks and ruins. “That is Thanosia, a place of death. It is said the spirit of Medb still haunts it.”

“Medb?” The hairs on the back of my arms were standing on edge.

“A wealthy chieftain after her husband’s death, she was once renowned for her magic. She could heal the sick and make the land thrive. The people worshipped her. But a prince once tried to woo her and she would have none of it. At the same time, a great sickness fell on the land. Cattle died and humans fell to a sweating fever. The prince spread the rumour that it was the bitterness of the Celtic witch, that her heart was incapable of love. Slowly, they turned on her, hunger and death fuelling their anger. She tried to explain but her cries were on deaf ears. She fled to her fortress but it was breached, unable to take the force of an army. She was put to the stake. With her last breath, she cursed the land and promised to return. And since then, the lands that were once hers, are now a wasteland. Her angry spirit still haunts Thanosia’s ruins.”

I breathed out.

Without being told, I knew exactly where Medb wanted me to go.

She had been right. We were more alike than I would have ever guessed.