Leave Me Behind

She wasn’t supposed to find out about the poison. Goddammit. I slam my fist against the shower tile and enjoy the throb of pain that reverberates through my fist.

What is Eren thinking? He knows I can’t let her be my double; I can’t let anyone else die the way Abrahm did. It’s my fault. They were trying to shoot me, not him. I swallow the bile that rises up my throat and I have to blink a few times to unsee the bloodstains on my hands.

Was she the Riøt soldier that took the shot? My blood chills and I shake my head. No. It could’ve been any of them.

I find Eren in his room and, thankfully, Bunny isn’t back yet. He gives me an exasperated look before shutting his book. “What?”

My feet are heavy, but I walk to the edge of Bunny’s bed and sit on the end. “I don’t think this is a good idea… Why didn’t you tell me your intentions sooner?” I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was only instructed by the general this morning himself.

His dark blue eyes hold mine thoughtfully for a few seconds before dipping back down to his book carelessly. “This is the only way I can keep you safe. Just stick by her side and you’ll be fine, okay?” I know him too well. He’s keeping something from me.

I shake my head. “I don’t want anyone else to die because of me. I don’t want to do this anymore, Eren. She’s not a bad person.”

The plan was to have her be the sniper. Out of the way. Not tied to my side like a pig awaiting slaughter.

My brother stares at me.

He stands after a few seconds, walks to my side, and sets his palm on my shoulder. “I told you everything in the infirmary. She’s the insurance, Bradshaw.” I flinch at his tone. My eyes raise to Eren’s. They’re pleading. “Without her… I can’t keep you safe. You understand?”

The muscle in my jaw feathers but I trust him. With my life. With hers.

“She stays safe?” I press him.

“We all do,” Eren says with confidence.

I glance at Bunny’s single bag on the ground. A worrying itch keeps making itself known in the back of my head.

“And you’re certain she can be trusted?” I ask, hating that I am, but I don’t trust her completely. Not like I did Abrahm. And this obsession I have with her doesn’t make me any wiser.

Eren scans my features before replying. “To be honest, no. Her record is gruesome and disturbing. It’s been flagged as odd that she was miraculously the only survivor of the mission failure two years ago. You seem to be awfully chummy with her, though.”

My teeth feel hot. “Then why are you so sure the Ghosts won’t take her out? What makes you think she’ll protect me?”

He flashes me a dark, calculating smile. “Keep your enemies closer.”

I see the logic, but torment drowns me. She wouldn’t hurt any of us. She already would’ve done something if it was her intention, wouldn’t she?

“Is that why you had her stay so close and snug in your room?”

“Why else?” He threads his fingers together and presses them to his mouth as he stares at me coldly. “And if things go awry, I need your word that you’ll kill her if she steps out of bounds. That girl is dangerous and we’re already playing with fire.”

A sharp prickle curls in my chest. My brows pull together.

“Eren.”

He doesn’t blink. “Your word, Bradshaw.”

My eyes lower to my hands. Could I kill her if it came down to it?

I look back up at him. “Why didn’t you tell me that a black bullet killed Abrahm?”

Eren’s face remains blank. “You already hated Riøt for not showing up at the checkpoint in Patagonia. If you knew about the black bullet, you would’ve killed her the first night.”

My chest fills with unease because he’s not wrong.

“You like her now, so at least you won’t be stupid about it, but if it comes down to it, I need you to kill her.”

Our eyes challenge each other and the pit in my stomach gets deeper.

“Do you think it was her?” My eyes linger on the floor.

Eren is quiet.

The door creaks open and Bunny strolls in with freshly wet hair and flushed cheeks from her shower. Her eyes grow wide as she notices me sitting on her bed.

“Was just leaving,” I say callously and shoulder past her. I can’t bear to look at her. My resolve will crumble if I do.

If I have to kill her, could I do it?

I find myself asking that question over and over throughout the night and well into morning. Sleep on a night before a mission has never been a luxury for me.

But the thought pursues long into the flight. The transport aircraft is loud and we sit with our backs against the walls. The entire squad is on the other side of the plane facing us. Eren sits to my right and Bunny is on my left. Everyone is asleep except Eren and myself.

A family bloodline trait maybe—we can never seem to fucking sleep.

So instead of rest, I dwell on how I’d kill her if I had to. I watch her sleep soundly, her head hanging back against the seatbelts. Her lashes are long and dot kisses across the soft skin of her cheeks. I draw lines with my eyes over the rise and dips of the muscles in her neck. How could something so gentle and soft be as lethal as me?

My eyes shift down to her hands. They are small and scarred, but flesh colored—not a harrowing red like I’d expect to see when I look at the reaper’s hands.

I would kill her swiftly, I decide. Maybe with a neck snap. The longer I ponder it the more certain I am that I cannot do it any other way. She’s so lovely and the idea of ruining her in any capacity bothers me.

Sleep my bunny, your next breath is not promised.