Learning Curve

Scottie

Four medical staff in jumpsuits with Med-I-Vac embroidered on their chests get the rundown from my nurses and Dr. Stewart as they turn my body from side to side to slide a backboard beneath me.

I can see my legs and feet moving, but I don’t feel them. It’s a strange feeling, having zero sensation from the waist down and not having control over my lower extremities. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get used to it.

Wren and my dad watch on from the corner of the room, and I silently wonder how much this transportation is going to cost.

“Is this really necessary, Dr. Stewart?” I ask him, and he steps over to the stretcher the Med-I-Vac staff has now relocated me to.

“Is what necessary, Scottie?”

“Transporting me like this,” I answer. “I feel like my dad could’ve just rented a van and driven me back to New York.” It would’ve been a hell of a lot cheaper. He could’ve just thrown my ass in the back of a U-Haul, for all I care.

“We’ve been through this, Scottie,” Dr. Stewart says gently. “We don’t want to cause any undue stress on your spine. The goal from here on out is to maintain as much function as we can. And since you haven’t officially started rehabilitation and PT, we don’t have a clear sense of your body’s limitations.”

My body limitations? My legs, my bladder, and my bowels don’t work. I don’t need a medical degree to know that. I’m living it every day now.

“This is the safest way to get you back home, okay?” He squeezes my shoulder. “I know it feels like a pain in the ass, and I get that. But this is all temporary. Once you start rehab and PT in New York, you’re going to start getting your independence back.”

Temporary. Independence. Those words don’t feel like they will ever be a part of my reality.

“We’re all set, Dr. Stewart,” one of the female Med-I-Vac staff updates, and I remember that her name is Allison. She, along with the other three members of her team, introduced themselves when they first came into my room.

“Have a safe trip back to New York, Scottie,” Dr. Stewart says with a smile. “Your father has my number. If you have any questions or concerns, don’t hesitate to call me, okay? And I’ll be in contact with Dr. Hurst and his team.”

I nod.

“Thanks, Doc,” my dad says and steps up to shake Dr. Stewart’s hand. “Appreciate everything you’ve done for my girl.”

My sister offers her thanks too, and I feel like a real ungrateful asshole for not saying anything. It’s like I’m subconsciously pushing all my fear and anger about my injury onto him and his staff. People who have done nothing but treat me with kindness and have done everything in their power to maintain my dignity through some of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

“Thank you,” I force myself to say, locking eyes with Dr. Stewart first and then Nurse Maureen, who stands near the doorway.

“It’s been our pleasure,” Nurse Maureen says, and Dr. Stewart nods.

“We’ll be thinking about you, Scottie.”

My dad and Wren step up to my bedside to give me hugs and kisses.

“We’ll see you in New York, okay?” my dad says, and I don’t miss the way emotion makes his voice all scratchy. “Our flight lands at eight this evening, and we’ll head straight to the hospital.”

“You guys don’t need to do that. I’ll—”

“Shut up,” Wren says and squeezes my hand. “Don’t be a martyr. We love you. And we’ll see you in a few hours.”

“That’s precious cargo you got there. Take care of my girl,” my dad tells the Med-I-Vac staff, and Allison reaches out to squeeze his forearm.

“She’s in good hands,” she says with a confident smile. “All four of us have the kind of medical transport experience that you can only get during war. We’re going to take good care of her, and I promise we will get her safely to New York.”

“You’re all vets?” my dad asks, and all four members of the team nod. “Thank you for your service.”

One of the male Med-I-Vac staff—I’m pretty sure his name is Ian—takes the front of my stretcher and guides my bed out of my hospital room and into the hallway. But we only get a few feet from my door when my stretcher stops in front of the nurses station so Allison can give the charge nurse a final rundown.

I startle when a hand grabs mine and squeezes.

I look up and to my left to find Finn standing there, dressed in the same jeans and T-shirt I saw him in two days ago. “See you in New York,” he says. “I love you.”

He doesn’t wait for a response, and tears flood my eyes as I watch him walk down the hallway and out of sight.

I love Finn more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and if you love someone, if you really love someone, then you need to be strong enough to realize when you need to let them go.

I wish he would fucking let me.