Learning Curve

Friday April 18th

Scottie

“We’re all set to get you transferred this afternoon,” Dr. Stewart updates, and his nurse Maureen sets down a few pieces of paper on my bedside table.

“Scottie, you’ll just need to read and sign these affidavits, okay?” the nurse explains. “These give Med-I-Vac permission to take over your care during transport.”

I don’t even bother reading the forms. I just sign on the dotted line.

“I bet you’re ready to get back home,” Dr. Stewart says, a friendly smile cresting his lips. “I’ve already spoken with Dr. Hurst over at St. Luke’s, and they’re up to speed on your treatment plan.” He gently squeezes my shoulder. “You’re going to be in good hands, Scottie.”

“Thank you.” My voice is pathetically monotone, not at all matching the exuberance that Dr. Stewart and Nurse Maureen are showing. But that’s probably because I don’t have anything to be excited about.

Sure, I’m heading back to New York, but nothing about my life is going to be like it used to be.

I won’t get to walk into my dorm room or attend classes. I’m going to be stuck in the hospital for at least another four weeks, and possibly up to eight, depending on how my rehabilitation goes.

“Mr. Bardeaux, you have my number.” Dr. Stewart looks over at my dad. “Don’t hesitate to use it if you have any questions or concerns.”

“Thank you so much, Doc,” my dad responds and follows him and Nurse Maureen out of my hospital room. My guess is there’s more paperwork for my dad to sign. More exorbitant medical bills that he has to say he’ll pay, even though he probably can’t cover all the bills I’ve already racked up in Daytona.

I’m starting to hate myself for how much additional stress I’ve just added to his life.

Wren sits down on the edge of my bed. “You okay?”

I shrug.

“You do know that you can be honest with me, right?” Her eyes implore mine. “Whatever you’re feeling. Whatever you’re thinking. You can tell me.”

I know she’s being kind. I know she’s being supportive. But I don’t think she wants her head filled up with the heavy shit that’s running through my mind.

“It’s going to be okay, Scottie,” she says and leans forward to hug me. “You are surrounded by people who love and support you. And you’re strong. Even if you don’t feel like it right now, you are.”

Being surrounded by people who love and support me is a fact. The problem with that is that I don’t want to have to put anyone in that situation. I don’t want my dad and my sister missing work shifts. I didn’t want Finn to miss classes. And I definitely don’t want anyone to have to change their life around to accommodate me.

I look toward the window, staring out at the sky. The sun is shining bright, and it’s a stark contrast to the darkness that resides in my head. I’m weak. So fucking weak.

“Finn is still here.” Wren’s words pull my attention back to her. “He’s in the waiting room. He’s been in the waiting room ever since you told him to leave.”

What can I even say to that? I told him to go back to New York two days ago. I don’t know why he hasn’t left yet.

“Why don’t you want him in here?” she asks, and I stare down at the two limbs that no longer work.

“Because he should be back on campus, attending his classes. That should be his priority.” Not a girl who doesn’t even know what she has left to offer the world, let alone him.

“Scottie, I know this isn’t my place, but I think you’re wrong here. I think you have a guy who really loves you and wants to be there for you.”

He loves me…now. But after months of dealing with this, dealing with me, and missing out on life because of my challenges, those feeling are slowly going to turn into regret and resentment.

When I don’t say anything, she says, “I know the two of you have been through a lot. That’s clear with everything you told me last night, but I think you’re making a mistake.”

Last night, when our dad was asleep, she grilled me about Finn. I guess after I told him to leave, and his response was to sit in the waiting room, that engaged her spidey senses a little too much. So, I told her all of the nitty-gritty details of our relationship. All of the ups and down and highs and lows. And where our relationship was before I got injured.

“You have a guy who wants to be there for you. Like, really be there for you,” Wren says. “He clearly loves you, and I just don’t understand why you’re pushing him away.”

The answer to that is easy. Because Finn Hayes loves the Scottie Bardeaux I used to be. A girl who I can’t imagine will ever exist again.