Learning Curve

Scottie

I stop in the middle of a sentence of Anna Karenina and pause my TV, listening again to see if my ears are playing tricks on me. It’s well after midnight on a Wednesday night, and I swear I just heard a knock on my door.

Another three more knocks, these harder than the first, I set my book down beside me on my bed and wrap my robe around my body nervously. A few seconds pass before my phone pings with a text message.

Finn: It’s me.

My heart jumps to my throat, worry and curiosity swirling manically as I try to figure out what he’s doing here at this time of night. Two more messages populate on the screen.

Finn: I know it’s late, but I really need to talk to you.

Finn: Please, Scottie.

My lungs feel heavy as I labor over simple breaths. I haven’t seen or talked directly to Finn since Christmas Day—which is my fault, I know. But after talking to Kayla and Julia last week, the depths of my guilt over that decision are more vast and expansive than ever before. He’s been single-handedly keeping me alive, and all I’ve done is ignore him.

I slowly climb off my bed, heading for my door, anxiety and excitement and the fear of the unknown rolling through my veins.

Finn’s face is as handsome as I’ve ever seen it. His jaw is firm and his eyes are intense, but just as Julia suggested, there’s a peace about him that immediately puts me at ease.

“Tonight, I was at dinner with my family,” he says, completely skipping over pleasantries and small talk. “My whole family. My siblings—even Reece flew in from California. My mom. Ty and his siblings and their wives and husbands and kids. Their mom, Wendy. Everyone was there. And everyone was getting along and having a good time. I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever seen my mom and brothers and sister this relaxed and comfortable and happy. And I was sitting there, watching the interactions and listening to the conversations and thinking about how far everything has come. I was thinking about how our father is in jail for heinous crimes he committed prior to meeting my mom. I was thinking about how Ty and his brothers—my brothers—are happily married with wives and kids, and they are living healthy, stable lives. They don’t drink too much or get violent with their families. All they do is love their wives, love their kids. They’re all good men. Probably the best men I’ve ever known. And even though they have the same father as me, they are nothing like our father. And that reality shook me to my core. It made me realize so many things that I’ve been avoiding. And most of all, the only person I wanted to talk about it with was you.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard Finn ramble on like this. He’s not a talker or a conversationalist. He’s quiet and broody, and it’s a rare—pretty much nonexistent—occurrence when he is actually willing to let me see inside his head like this.

“Finn, I—” I stop when he raises a hand.

“Just let me finish first, okay? There’s so much I want to tell you right now. So much I want to get off my chest. So much I need you to hear. So much you deserve to hear.”

I nod and he takes a breath, his eyes moving down to the floor for the briefest of moments before meeting mine again.

“I’ve been a fucking idiot, Scottie. And I’ve thought about this moment in my head a thousand times, desperately trying to come up with the right words to tell you. The right words to convey everything I want to say. But I’m not the best with words, and I’m shit at facing hard feelings head on. But I want to change.” He shrugs. “I know I’ve pushed you away more times than I can count. I know I’ve said ugly things to you that you didn’t deserve, and I know I’ve hurt you deeply.” He grabs my hand and puts it flat to his chest, and I swallow hard at the feel of his racing heart.

“I’m so fucking sorry for all the times I avoided you because the way you made me feel was too much for me to understand.” His voice breaks, a tear falling to the floor between us. “I’m sorry I blamed you for caring about me as much as you did, and I’m sorry for all the times you needed me and I wasn’t there.”

His words are like bullets, hitting me one after another, straight in the chest and shaking my entire equilibrium.

“For the longest time, I’ve feared that I would become just like my dad,” he continues, but his voice grows quiet. “But I’m more than him. And you’re more than your mom. And together, we’re more than all the mistakes we’ve made in the past.”

He squeezes my hand, holding it on his chest with a ferocity that makes my knees shake. “I love you, Scottie. Confidently and completely and with the knowledge that my love is worth something. And I know after everything that’s happened between us that you have every right to tell me to walk back out that door…but I’m hoping that you’ll give me a second chance.”

I have a choice. I can crawl back under my comforter and let the consequences of my mother’s actions consume me, or I can move forward with Finn to the kind of love we both deserve.

I’ve been burned once before by stepping out on a limb, but Finn’s spent the last two months proving that his branch is strong enough to handle my weight.

The first choice would certainly be easier. But sometimes, hard things are worth it.