If You Want Me (The Toronto Terror Series)

I should be shitting my pants that I almost got caught on a date with Roman’s daughter. And part of me is. I feel like a giant bag of garbage. I’m deceiving him every day. But the bigger, more telling part of me is worried about how Aurora is handling this. Because on top of the stress I’m putting on her relationship with her dad, I withheld information.

For a while now I’ve been living in the land of denial, believing I could lock down these feelings. Telling her I’d seen Scarlet, and assuring her that the feelings I once had are long gone, would have meant admitting I want something more with Aurora. I hadn’t been ready to do that, and now I’ve upset her. Again.

Hurting her feels like stabbing myself. When she’s in pain, I itch with the need to fix everything for her. Seeing her smile, being part of what makes her happy, holding her close? Those are the things I want to spend my days and nights doing.

I leave my phone at my place and go over to Roman’s. When he asks what happened to my date, I tell him she has to work early, and he’s so preoccupied with his news, he doesn’t question it. I end up staying for an hour and a half while he explains his post-retirement options. I try to remain engaged. Try to be a good friend and share his excitement, but my stomach is churning. Aurora’s words keep rolling around in my head. Who was I really protecting? Her or me?

It’s late by the time I finally leave. Postie and Malone meet me at the door and follow me into the kitchen, meowing insistently. I ignore them and check my phone, stomach sinking at the lack of message from Aurora.

I don’t want to force her into a conversation she’s not ready for. But I also want to own my mistakes.

Hollis

I know you need some time, but please don’t shut me out. Even if I can’t fix it now, I don’t want to get on that plane without seeing you before I go.

I wait a few minutes, but I don’t get a response. I change and get ready for bed, pack my bag for tomorrow and pick out my suit, then clean up the rest of dinner and put the cheesecakes in the fridge. Aurora hasn’t messaged by the time I’m ready for bed, so I take it as a sign that she’s still processing.

I sleep like garbage, tossing and turning. Postie keeps trying to reposition near me. At five thirty in the morning, my phone buzzes on my nightstand. My anxiety spikes when I see a text from Aurora.

Princess

Message when you’re awake.

Hollis

I’m awake now. Can I come down?

The humping dots appear and disappear twice.

Princess

Yes.

Hollis

I’ll be down in five.

I roll out of bed, give my teeth a quick brush, and pull on a pair of joggers and a hoodie. I grab the extra key fob and wish I’d done something smart last night, like buy Aurora flowers. But that’s only occurring to me now.

My stomach is in knots as I knock. A few seconds later, the door opens. Aurora looks the opposite of happy to see me, but her red-rimmed, puffy eyes are the biggest gut punch. I want to reach out and pull her against me, but she steps back and crosses her arms, communicating that contact isn’t welcome.

Everything feels too tight. “Thank you for agreeing to see me.”

“You needed to give me your key, anyway.” Her eyes stay focused on my chin.

We both know I could have left it at Roman’s. “I should have told you I saw Scarlet. My split with her wasn’t amicable. It wasn’t just because I ended up here and she was in LA. I wanted to make the distance work, but she didn’t feel supported because I didn’t want our relationship to be public fodder, so she ended things.” There’s more, but that conversation needs to wait.

“Do you still have feelings for her?” Aurora’s voice is low and raspy.

I shake my head. “No. Not romantic ones. I saw her because she’s in my city for a few months, and I needed to try to clear the air between us.”

“But she still has feelings for you,” Aurora says softly.

“She has memories of what we were, but there are a lot of years between then and now. I’m not the same person.” I’m definitely more cautious with my heart, maybe too cautious. “And I’m pretty hung up on you. When I get back, if you still have questions, whatever you want to know about my relationship with Scarlet, I’ll tell you—if I haven’t fucked this up beyond repair.”

“You haven’t fucked it up beyond repair.” Her chin trembles as she lifts her head. “It’s just a lot for me to manage. You have history with her. She’s accomplished and polished, and she’s had you in ways I haven’t, and I hate it. Especially because it would be so much easier for you to be with her than it is for you to be with me.”

“But she’s not who I want, Aurora. You are.” I wish I could tell her how deep those feelings are. How she’s all I have been able to think about for months. That I’ve risked more of myself for her than anyone since Scarlet.

I’ve confided in Aurora so much since my accident last year, but never about Scarlet. And that needs to change. “Can we talk when I get back?”

She nods.

“Can I hug you?” The need to comfort her is a physical compulsion.

“Please.” Her voice cracks.

I open my arms, and she steps forward. Her hands slide around my waist, and mine curve around her shoulders, one hand cupping the back of her head as she rests her cheek on my chest.

I press my lips against the top of her head. “I slept like shit last night, Princess.”

“Me, too. I should have messaged you before bed, but I looked a wreck,” she mutters.

“You’re always beautiful. Fuck. I hate when I upset you,” I admit.

“I have a lot of emotions when it comes to you,” she says softly.

I take her face in my hands, studying every flutter of her lashes. “It’s the same for me, Aurora. I wish last night had gone differently. Maybe when I get back, we can have a do-over.”

“I’d like that. Except we should probably put on the safety latch, so my freaking dad doesn’t come busting in like the Kool-Aid Man. How did that go? Do you think he suspects anything?” She pulls her lip between her teeth.

I shake my head and tamp down the guilt, not wanting her to see how heavy this weighs on me. Not when I have to leave her after the clusterfuck that was last night. “He was too preoccupied. He barely even asked about my date.” Which I was grateful for. I felt like I was in one of his spirals, aware I’d hurt Aurora. If he knew the truth about how last night was supposed to end, he’d probably unalive me. And he’d have a right. “He wanted to text you, but I reminded him you have an early class this morning.”

“Crisis averted,” she murmurs.

“For now, yeah.” That’s another conversation we need to have. But it all depends on what she wants out of this. I’m terrified about what that could be and what it would mean.

She sighs and fiddles with the string on my hoodie. “I need to get going. I’m meeting with my group before class. We have a presentation this morning, and we want to go through it one more time.”

And now I feel even worse. It’s fine for me to sleep like trash. All I’m doing is sitting on a plane and a bench, but this could mess with her grades. “I’m sorry you’re going into this under-slept.”

“I’m in university, Hollis. I can function on five hours of crappy sleep.”

“It’s my fault it was shitty, though.”

“It could have been less shitty if I’d texted last night instead of worrying about puffy eyes.” She pats my chest.

I cover her hand with mine and bring it to my lips.

She taps hers with a finger. “I’d like those here, please.”

I cup her face and brush lightly over her lips.

It only takes one soft stroke of tongue before her nails are digging into the back of my neck and I’m pulling her tight against me. She breaks the kiss and covers my mouth with her palm when I try to reclaim hers. Her mouth is heaven.

“I still need to get ready, and I have to leave in less than half an hour.”

“I’ll message you tonight?”

“Yes, please.”

“And I’ll make up for the crappy date when I get back.”

“Also yes, please.”

I kiss her one last time, and she pushes me out the door.

I’m stepping off the elevator as Roman opens his door. He frowns when he sees me. “Where have you been?”

“I was dropping off my key for Aurora.” It’s not a complete lie, but I still feel like a bag of shit. Especially since I can taste her mint toothpaste on my tongue. What if he’d arrived two minutes earlier? How quickly would he put it all together? How would I explain? How could I leave Aurora with the fallout of that?

His brow furrows. “She’s up already?”

“She has a group presentation this morning. She’s heading to campus early so they can practice. I would have dropped my key off last night, but we were up late talking.”

“Right, yeah. She’s still home, though?” He pulls his phone out and starts thumb typing.

“She was getting ready when I dropped off my key a minute ago.” A bead of sweat trickles down my spine.

“I’ll head down and say good-bye now, then.”

“Sounds good.” I take a step toward my door as he moves toward the elevators. “I should be ready to roll in twenty.”

He nods, his eyes still on his phone as he steps into the elevator. I disappear inside my penthouse, the weight in my chest growing with every lie I tell my best friend.