I Am Rosaline

I really cannot tell how long it had been since that fateful day when I had thought I lost David, but the here and now found me in a world I would struggle to understand in the beginning, find myself during and completely understand my world after my lessons were learned.

The sky outside was grey and gloomy. A fine rain fell over the stone alleyways and drizzled down the gutters. Everything was grey: the clouds gathered and darkened the sky and created a land of muted tones; the stones that were used to construct the houses and alleys were slate and they looked so cold.

I had lived a long and healthy life. Did I have regrets? Yes, I had many. On my deathbed, I had not known that I was dying. But I did recall the conversation I had with the devil when I thought David was dying and knew that my time was up this time and it was now payback. Somehow I knew that dying was not really the end for me. How did I know? I had no idea. Call it a premonition, if you wish, but I just knew ....

I had not been in this place very long, but I already understood how things worked. This breathtaking place, being a castle town-like castle, built into a mountain. It was extraordinarily beautiful and smoothe to look at. Gentle on the eyes. Surprising for a place that I thought would be as hot as coals. Considering I knew I was going to this place that was called hell. The stories and images from childhood remained with me, even now. I had sold my soul to the devil so that my husband could live. I did not know whether a numb brain full of fear had provoked a dream; or whether the raw grief had caused me to go insane.

I knew though that I was taken advantage of in my time of grief and fear. I should have known that there would be some sort of deception and trickery. I was angry and at the same time, oddly curious.

I had always known that I was different. I could sense things before they happened and I somehow knew what someone was about to say before they actually said it. I believed in angels and spoke to them regularly. I had a completely different outlook on the mechanics of the universe, but whenever I voiced my opinion, I was either ostracized or shouted down, so I learned to keep my thoughts to myself. I had an idea of how the angel hierarchy of heaven and earth worked, but I did not know the workings of the devil’s angels. Now I was amongst them. I had to learn and learn quickly. Perhaps I could find someone who looks familiar and approach them. Would David be here? The idea made me feel horribly uncomfortable because I had no idea how I would approach him because of the truths that I now knew. No, that would be too weird. I knew I would probably want to kick him in the shins. I had changed so much. I had to stop thinking like this and simply accept my fate and do what needed doing, if I could.

The click of a key in the lock snapped me out of my wayward thoughts and brought me back to my surroundings. I was standing three floors up, in a cold, sparsely furnished room, beside an enormous bay window that looked out over an alley. I couldn’t remember how I had arrived in this place, but I knew it would come back to me eventually.

“Are you ready Rosaline?” asked Dorian, opening the door. He was the only one I had seen since my arrival and without any hint from me he called me by a name I could not recall. I would not argue, because quite honestly, I had no recollection of a name at all. Dorian was very tall with a slim build, white hair and very grey eyes. His skin resembled porcelain and gave the impression that if you hit him, he would shatter like glass. He often came in with books for me to study. I had been here maybe a day or so when Dorian first arrived with books for me to read. Books I had never known existed: Ancient geography books, books on Egyptology, art and books dissecting the similarities between what is considered good and evil.

I recalled opening my eyes at some point and seeing someone´s back to me and thinking I needed to defend myself. I found out the hard way that Dorian did not have a glass jaw because I took a swing at him on that day and my fist just bounced right off his jaw with no effect whatsoever on the man. Not only was I surprised by this, but also surprised by my own strength and the fact that I did not feel anything either. No injury to my hand. I had a life in me that I simply could not explain and the knowledge that I was able to take care of myself. I remember that I had watched him move slightly to one side and guaged how I would have to move to pounce on his back and smack him with something hard. Yes, I know, I had not thought this through too carefully. Needless to say, I pounced and he barely flinched. He simply pulled me over his shoulder and I landed on the floor. My dignity sorely bruised I jumped up and went at him like a woman possessed. During the frackas I saw my opportunity to take a swing at his jaw and I did. Nothing happened. We simply stared at each other and Dorian shook his head and smiled and made a comment about me still having a fiery temper. Thinking about it now, I feel pretty foolish. I began to feel like I had known Dorian all my life. Which was crazy, I know, because I had only recently just met him. He had made a strange comment though, ¨You will remember eventually.¨ I had ignored him then because I felt more apprehensive than I would have cared to admit to him, or anyone else. Ah, I thought to myself, making memories wherever you go! I looked at him just as he turned and started to say something to me.

“Today,” Dorian said, “you have to come with me. There are some people you need to meet and listen to.” Before I could say anything he continued. ¨There are those who have been here a really long time who need to speak to you and explain a few things. You will begin to understand. Just be patient.¨

¨Sure, why not? It´s not like I have another appointment to get to.” I knew I sounded like a catty little brat. “I see there is no transport down here. Do we have to walk everywhere?” My voice did not sound like mine, or at least the voice I thought I had.

“Have you not been reading the books I gave you? You need to read the books I give you. You need to study them.” He sounded irritated rather than angry

“Why are there no pictures or mirrors in this room? How am I supposed to make sure my hair looks acceptable?” I changed the topic and grinned sarcastically. In truth, I would have liked to see my reflection. I couldn’t quite recall what I looked like, but I had a vague memory of fire-red hair.

I knew exactly why there were no pictures or mirrors - physical appearances were unimportant in this place that I thought was hell and pictures would be a diversion from the books I was meant to study - but I didn’t want Dorian to know I had been reading and studying the books he had given me.

“What makes you think you can keep me with you? You know I’ll do what I can to get away from you.” For some reason I felt extremely confident and I also knew that Dorian would never do anything against me. How did I know this? Dorian was a stranger to me. How was it possible to know someone if you could not remember them? I started feeling frustrated and out of fear I was behaving like a petulant brat. Somehow Dorian seemed to expect this. Realising this made me want to throw a fit out of sheer irritation with myself and my memory. As I spoke I grew angry and my voice changed until eventually the words were hissing out from between my teeth. “I was tricked and you know that I will fight to get away.” How could anyone, for a moment, want to be here? And what was wrong with me? All this anger and aggression just seemed to be so not me at all. I think it was just my fear getting the better of me. I had to get myself together and my emotions under control.

My quick temper, the changes in my voice and the heat rising up in my body scared me. Was it already too late for me? Too late for what, though? Was I losing control of myself, or did I feel this way because I had no control over what was happening to me? Is this what happened when one was exposed to the depths of a fiery abyss? Ok, granted, I had not seen a fiery abyss, but my change in temperament, or what temperament I could remember, was not the same. I became hellishly obstinate and suspicious of everyone and everything. Maybe this is what was meant to happen. But why did it feel like my body was on fire, but the weather around looked overcast? Perhaps if I concentrated on the bigger picture... what that bigger picture was, was unclear to me, but I vowed that I would not lose my spirit.

“You will soon see that you will not be able to leave. That is why you are coming with me now. You must learn to listen and not always speak.” Dorian’s voice had become as hostile as mine, but his words did not hiss. His eyes started to glow and his perfect straight teeth glistened in a smile that was anything but friendly.

I know that I had never been good at following orders, but I decided to traipse behind him into a dull passageway out of sheer curiosity.

It looked really cold when we finally stepped outside and I was thankful for the jeans, polo shirt, parka and boots that I was wearing. Our boots clicked on the old cobblestones as we started walking away from the building that had been my prison for the past week. The rain felt like pinpricks against my skin. I realized with horror that I didn’t feel the cold. I associated grey, gloomy weather with cold, but I didn’t feel it. Remembering being cold and how it felt gave me hope: I could still remember being alive.

We stopped in front of large double doors leading into another dull grey building with dusty grey windows and inconspicuous curtains that overlooked the alley.

“We have arrived. Keep your mouth shut, your eyes open and use your head. Don’t do anything stupid and try to remember where you are.”

There was nothing notable about this place. I suppose that is what made it memorable. Dorian held me by my arm in case I had thoughts of running, and pushed the door open. The inside was just as dreary and gloomy as outside. The door banged shut behind us and echoed through the cavernous room. Dorian led me to a spiral staircase that led up at least three floors. He pushed me forward and made me walk ahead of him. The urge to smack him in the head and run was strong, but I knew from previous experience that this would do no good.

Finally, we reached the top floor and I found myself being shoved in the direction of another set of doors. My eye caught the intricate carving on the doors and for a moment I forgot where I was. I had not seen such beautiful carvings before. Vines and blossoms inched up the outside of the door with mountain ranges running through the inside panels. Dorian tapped gently with his knuckle against the old beautifully crafted wooden door. My attention to the intricate details was interrupted by a shove from Dorian.

In the room were two people, one male and one female. The female was beautiful, for lack of a better word, with skin as smooth and white as parchment. Her aquamarine eyes gazed at me from across the room. Pale curls fell against a high forehead and sculptured shoulders, forming a halo of golden hair. Her robes, woven from an unidentifiable shimmering, white metallic material, were pristine and in sharp contrast with the gloomy, grey surroundings. The male, on the other hand, had a sharp, square jaw and straight black hair. His eyes were as black as his hair and he was dressed similarly to me in black pants, black polo shirt, black leather jacket and black army boots. “No thought put into these uniforms,” I decided. They could have at least added a bit of colour to the black drab look. But then again, we weren´t here for fashion, were we? He had tapered hands folded across his chest, pink lips and straight white teeth that seemed out of place with the rest of his physical features - he looked more like the cold, hard stereotyped corporate boss. Always appearing aloof and in control without giving any of himself away. “Very darkly handsome” I observed quietly to myself.

“Ah, our new soldier is here. Welcome, Rosaline, welcome. I am Dante and this is my dear friend Gabriella.” Dante spoke in a deep, yet soft voice “Please come, have a seat. We shall talk.” He gestured to a straight-backed chair and a couch near the window.

I opted for the chair and decided to take what Dorian had said to heart. I would keep quiet and listen. As with Dorian, I did wonder, why Dante called me Rosaline. I simply could not remember the name I had, but I felt quite sure Rosaline was not it.

As Dante sat on the couch next to Gabriella he looked over at me, “Do you have any idea why you are here?” It felt as if his gaze went directly through me, and his voice was disarmingly warm and tender which did not match my almost violent mood.

“No! I do not know where I am. All I have been doing is reading ancient and smelly old books and gazing out of a window onto a brick wall! I am irritated, annoyed and feeling just a little bit like a caged animal. Would you be so kind as to inform me?¨ I was very angry. More out of confusion than anything else, but I wasn’t about to give anything away – such as how nervous and apprehensive I really was.

“Fine, I will tell you as much as I am able to. You will have to fill in the blanks for yourself. As you will recall, you offered the devil a pact that you would trade your soul should he help your husband survive. The devil agreed. However, you were conned. Your husband was not destined to die yet. It was not his time and he wouldn’t have died. It was unnecessary for you to make such a pact. Nonetheless, the reason the devil chose to listen to you was simple: You, dear Rosaline, are one of the last of your kind. Your bloodline goes all the way back to the dawn of time when your father was one of the fallen. Since the dawn of time it has been recorded that angels took human wives and procreated and lived among man. You are the descendant of one of these. You have lived many lives before, but keep returning to earth. You have been protected and guided for millennia, but due to a lapse in your protection and your offer to the devil, you opened yourself to being found by undesirable elements.¨

“Lapse? I’m sorry, I’m not sure if I follow.” I felt more than just a little confused.

¨Let me explain what I mean by ¨lapse¨. As I already stated, you had been protected, one of your protectors became, how shall we say, a little greedy? You see, because of who you are, special concessions were made and we had to wait until you were ready, but your location had been given away by this protector and these bad elements tracked you down and became almost permanent fixtures in your life. Before you ask, it would have been a work colleague, a so-called friend or even the brother or sister of a friend. Just so that your locations could be kept by some unsavoury characters wanting to use you and your ancient knowledge.¨

His smile made me stiffen. What did Dante mean about my past lives and my bloodline stretching back to a father who was one of the fallen? Why did I keep coming back? Who was supposed to protect me? I was left feeling a lot more confused than ever by Dante’s explanation. Not to mention irritated by the realization that my husband was not meant to die on that day. I decided to bide my time and see where he was going with his “story”.

I glanced over at Gabriella. She was staring at me openly with her almost transparent eyes. She really was a beautiful woman. We sat staring at each other for a while before she asked, “Rose, do you understand where you are? Do you have any questions?” her voice was silky soft and very gentle.

“I would appreciate that you would be so kind as to tell me where I am. You all sit here so patiently and calmly talking as though I must simply know where I am! You tell me dammit!¨I was actually thinking that if this was the pit of hell it did not look all that bad, for now. I glared at them and wanted to say so much more, but decided to stick with my decision, and Dorian´s advice, to keep my mouth shut.

“No, you are not in hell.¨ This statement shocked me. Could they read my thoughts? I did not have much time to ponder this as Gabrielle continued. ¨You are in-between. You are in the Grey City - a no-mans land between dimensions, where you can be seen, but where you cannot be harmed. There are powers that you cannot see, protecting this place. This is a place of refuge where beings are able to study and perfect their “gifts”. You are one of the first demimortalités we have found in a really long time. There are more, but they are very well hidden. You were in a bad place when you called attention to yourself and were found.” Her voice was so calming I nearly dropped my guard and started to trust her.

“Who are you again? You don’t look like you belong here.” I know I sounded incredibly rude, but I could not drop my guard. Besides, such beauty seems so out of place here.

A little voice inside me, urged me to be aware of all that was going on around me. So I looked around and made mental notes of what I saw. There was very little furniture other than the chair, couch and table. There were no mirrors or pictures on the walls. The windows were covered in years of dust and the blood red curtains looked as old as the building. They had probably been there since the dawn of time. I couldn’t imagine anyone in this place concerning themselves with décor or keeping the place dust free.

Something that did appeal to me though, were the wooden panels along the walls. They looked as though they were depicting some mysterious story. I wish I had the time to take a closer look. My gaze rested back on Gabriella. She was sitting gazing right back at me with a very calm, serene look about her. It was a little irritating that she stayed so calm when I was trying to be such a horrible cow!

“Explain to me what a demimortalité is - and why would I have to be protected and from what or whom? And exactly who are the fallen? I have no idea what you are talking about. Your interest in me is misguided.” I had no idea what else to say, but I knew I had to question whatever it was they were saying I could, or could not do, in order to hold on to some control. I was confused and needed time to regroup and try to understand what I was being told. I recalled reading something about the fallen in one of the old books Dorian had given me. If I stalled I would have more time to think. I felt sure that if I were up on the living plane, I would probably have been sweating by now, but down here I felt nothing. No heat, except when I felt caged-in and angry, and no cold. No sorrow or happiness, but I did feel fear. Was it fear or was it confusion or even apprehension? I had no idea. I needed time.

“Rosaline, you will, in time, realize who and what you are. I understand that you need time, but there is very little of it left.” Dante’s deep voice disrupted my thoughts almost as though he could read my mind too.

“Why is there little time left and time for what?” I was becoming very unsettled and I wasn’t sure how to cope or how to react.

Gabriella took a deep breath. Her eyes slid over to Dante before returning to mine. “A cunning woman deceived many of us. She gained our trust when she told us she was a demimortalité, and we believed her and opened our city and she learned many of our secrets. We taught her all that we could in the ways of old. She learned very quickly and absorbed information from wherever she could and from whomever she could. When she had learnt all that she could, she disappeared. We used everything in our power to find her, but thanks to all that she had learned, she was able to evade us. We decided to leave her alone and allow her time and then to confront her and encourage her to return. Not long after however, we came to the conclusion that she was not who she had led us to believe she was.” Gabriella glanced at Dante. “We decided to look into the stories she had told us and her claims of being one of us. It was around that time that Dante was brought to us. He was very weak and had been drained of almost every last bit of energy that he had. He told us the story about this woman whose beauty is unmatched by any. He told us of her powers that we had not seen or fathomed. She is able to read your mind and find you with ease. That, my dear Rosaline, is why we are here. Those who have lived numerous lives, use their knowledge to protect this city and all who reside here. Once we leave the protection of the Grey City, we will have to use all we have to protect ourselves. She knows you and where you are and she wants to be rid of you because you are her one and only threat.”

“What? Who is this woman and how does she know me?” I struggled to understand why a complete stranger would feel threatened by me. “Please tell me.”

“Only you can find the burial place of the fallen. It has long since been believed that the fallen were buried with their treasures, including books that they wrote many millennia ago. In the wrong hands, these books could have disastrous consequences. Because you are a demimortalité, it is possible that in the recesses of your spirit you are able to recall where their burial place is. Should you remember where this place is, only you will be able to enter their tomb and retrieve maps and other information that the men and women, known as sages, chose to preserve in a book or books. There are those of us who are willing to give up everything to assist you in attaining this knowledge. There are many others who want you to succeed, only to kill you and take this prize. You see, Rose, this is your last chance as well as ours. You are our only hope. You cannot go back. A demimortalité can only return a certain number of times. You chose to return after each of your lives came to an end and in so doing, you have no lives left. Your goal now is to study to be an adept, one who is able to use all the skills gifted. Take all you have learned and use it so that you can take your place among the chosen. Do you understand now, Rose?” Gabriella spoke in her soft gentle manner, but I was still very wary. Me? Chosen? I nearly laughed out loud. Instead I gave nothing away because I had a lot to take in. How was it that I did not know any of this, or did not feel any of this before?

Gabriella looked weary and this time when she spoke I could hear the weariness in her voice and see the stoop in her shoulders.

“I have given up so much to be here and offer my assistance to you. I have given up helping those on earth who are down and out and giving up on their lives, in order to come and help you. I believe in you Rose. We all believe in you.”

I turned my gaze to Dante “And you, Dante, you have been very quiet. What is it you have to offer? Gabriella has given up a lot. What have you given up?” I stared him straight in the eye and didn’t flinch even though all my senses told me to be wary of him. Besides, why should Dante, or anyone else for that matter, give up anything for me?

Dante stared at me across the table and I could see a muscle working in his jaw. He did not like me very much, I could tell. I then noticed that Dorian was nowhere to be seen. He must have slipped out quietly while we were talking.

“Her name is Erro and she is the embodiment of evil. She took everything from me. She is as cunning and malevolent as she is evil; she is as elusive as the wind. She, like you, is able to hide her aura and become virtually undetectable. I nearly lost my soul to this woman who feels no shame, pain, regret or love. She cares only for herself and empowering herself at the cost of anyone who may be able to strengthen her. She will take from you until you are a soulless shell.” Dante’s gaze was on my face, searching for some sort of reaction. I worked damned hard to control myself so as not to give him one.

I was dazed by what I had just heard. I knew I was not dreaming and I knew that I offered my soul to the devil so that my husband could live, but I never knew that by doing that I had opened myself up to this Erro. Clearly I had something she wanted, but only if I were able to remember.

“If I was being protected how come I was not stopped before I made my whereabouts known? I really don’t know what to say. I am overwhelmed by all of this information.” I was becoming angry again, but I didn’t know why and confusion wasn’t helping matters.

“You were being protected, but you still have free will. When you started praying, there was an ethereal vibration and that only happens when a demimortalité is praying from their soul. Once the vibration takes place, anyone can hone in on your destination. You were being shielded from anyone who was looking for you. The day you were born you had so many angels protecting you. You are meant to be a secret. Why do you think you did not die when at the age of six you were the pedestrian involved in a hit and run? That was one of the times you were found. By all rights you should have died.” Gabriella’s voice did not falter or show irritation.

I did remember the accident. I recall lying on the road and a lovely young woman with shoulder length, brown, curly hair, wearing a white dress kneeling down beside me. The dress was so bright that she looked as though she glowed. I never remembered her face clearly, but I did know that it was beautiful. She placed a shawl or pullover beneath my head and told me that everything was going to be just fine. I never saw her leave and when I asked my mom about her, she had no idea who I was talking about. The shawl or pullover that she placed beneath my head was never found either.

Dante spoke “Do you remember how you and your firstborn should have died? There was no doctor to assist you with the birth of your baby and everything that could go wrong, went wrong? Don’t you find it strange that your doctor was nowhere to be found until he walked into your delivery room at the very last moment? Do you remember what you said and what sign you were given that day? This is another time you were found.”

I was in awe. I had been in labour for almost two days before my daughter was born. There was no doctor, only a nurse and a candy striper. My hipbones had closed over my baby’s head and she had become stressed and straightened her legs. In doing so she pushed her heel through my uterus wall. I started haemorrhaging and the blood was building up behind the baby. My stomach started swelling up. I remember being in such pain that I prayed to God and begged to have the pain taken away so that I could concentrate on giving strength to the baby. In an instant the pain was gone and a white dove landed on the outside windowsill and cooed three times. At that moment the doctor walked into the delivery room and had to use the forceps to get my baby out. It was too late for a caesarean so they extracted my child from my body with metal spoons. I did not feel a thing. I heard my baby whimper and she was placed on my chest briefly before being taken up to the paediatric ICU. I recall looking at the doctor and wondering why he was wearing red scrubs. It was only afterwards that I realized that his clothing was soaked with my blood. I started to become lightheaded and eventually lost consciousness. I found out later that my baby’s right lung had collapsed and I had lost nearly half my blood supply. Everyone was amazed that things did not turn out worse for us. We were considered a very lucky mom and baby. Oh my God! How can I remember this now? Almost as though the words spoken opened a door and memories came flooding in. No feelings. Just memories. Where are my children from this life I have just lived? How many lives? How many children? Do I even want to know? No! I did not!

“I see you do remember these things of which we speak, Rose. You must understand that we are not here to hurt you. We are both here to help you and guide you. We need to help you to open your inner eye so that you can see your past clearly. The past that is most important for you, is what you need to remember. The rest, not so much.” Gabrielle said quietly as though she were reading my thoughts.

“Of course I remember. Those are episodes in my life that I would never forget. There was the time my son fell into the lake and he vanished from sight. I prayed so hard in that split second and through good graces was able to pull my son from the water. Miracles happen every day or incidences occur that cannot be explained. What’s your point? Why wouldn’t I remember?” My words were rushing from my mouth in a hissing sound again. Why was I doing this? Why did I feel so different? I felt different, but still the same.

“Well, you are not meant to remember. Not once you reach here, anyway. Do you see now that you are different? Once you reach your place after your earthly death you are not meant to remember anything of about your life. You know that you have loved ones left behind, but earthly emotions no longer have a place here. But you are able to remember. We think that in time you will be able to remember your past with ease and clarity. Please believe that we are here to help not here to hurt you.” Dante’s eyes were as bright as ever and as black as coal.

“What do I have to do?” I asked. I needed to move on and stop the confusion. I needed to do something and in so doing, move forward to make sense of what was happening.

“The first lesson you need to understand is that you are special and you have abilities. You have all of this knowledge that you need to learn to tap into. This should be easy for you. Shall we begin?” Gabrielle stood and held out her hand to me. I stood up and took her hand without even thinking. When our hands touched, I felt pure calm and peace running through me once again. This was a feeling I could get used to. I liked to feel this way.