I Am Jessamine

Jessie lay in bed that night, snuggled with Gem, going over the events of the day and her heart hurt. Not only for Gray and knowing that he was hurt and she had not been there for him, but deep down her mother’s rejection was painful. Was she the real reason behind Ben jumping headlong into a life of thievery? Did he think that if he accumulated money and possessions she would have stayed with him? Or was she really simply being passionate and jumping headlong into something she had not thought through too clearly, Jess wondered. She may have legitimate reasons for returning and wanting to avenge her family for the torment, pain, and loss of their family heirlooms, and then somehow it got all twisted up. Jess knew she would get over her mother very quickly. She was not what she had expected and Willy had told her that night that she was not the same woman he had time traveled with and known from over twenty-five years ago.

She worried about Genevieve becoming even more jaded and turning on Jess and Willy and somehow anonymously reporting them to Rancliff. Rourke had assured her she would not as she would stand the risk of losing Broch de Clisson to Rancliff as she is related to Jess and married to Rourke. No, she was not that demented.

Gray occupied most of her thoughts and her body literally ached for him. Every time she closed her eyes she imagined his bruised, bloodied and battered body and it brought a terrible ache to her heart. She had initially come to this side to help Nick, but she ended up finding her love, her soul mate and all she wanted was to find him, and together they could work out all they had to and somehow bring an end to Rancliff and his sidekick, piggy eyed Daniels. But deep inside her, Jess knew that her desire for her and Gray’s future was not something she could allow herself to believe in.

Gem sighed in his sleep and mumbled something and Jess combed his wild hair off his forehead. She was losing her heart to this amazing little boy and parting with him made her catch her breath. Stopping herself from overthinking was difficult, but Jess knew she would ultimately have to face their departure, but not tonight. Tonight, and every other night that Jess could, she would hold him close and make him feel as loved as his mother might have, had she still been alive.

Jess must have fallen into a deep sleep because she woke up feeling light and refreshed and Gem was sitting up watching her. “Hey, kiddo. Did you have a good sleep?” and she reached over to cuddle him. Snuggling back down Gem whispered, “Jessie, the way you speak sounds very different to everyone else. Why is that?” Jessie sighed and pulled herself up against the pillows.

“Where does this come from Gem, it’s never bothered you before?” Jessie saw him blush furiously and duck his head. “It’s okay Gem, you are allowed to ask me questions. I don’t mind, it just doesn’t sound like something you would ask me.”

“Benjamin asked me why you spoke differently and I did not know what to say.” He said quietly.

“As you know, I was born and raised in the Americas and there they speak differently from how you and Benjamin speak. Our words are a little different too, like me calling you ‘kiddo’. It’s a word of endearment for a young child. Sometimes when everything is going well and somebody asks how things are going I will use the word ‘okay’. That word is similar to ‘fine’. Does that make sense?” she asked and patted his leg.

Nodding Gem said, “Yes, that does make sense. I will tell Benjamin later.” Then swiftly changing the subject he said, “We need to take our horses out for a ride. They are getting fat and lazy.”

Jessie laughed and promised that as soon as she had a break and Gem had done his studies with Benjamin and Marie-Louise, they would take the horses out for their exercise. “Willy will come with us as well?”

At Jessie’s assurance that Willy would join them, Gem got out of bed and said he was off to get dressed and eat his breakfast. Jess laughed at the boy and was in total awe of the child’s resilience, then she stretched and crawled out of bed as well. She had a lot to get done before she started making final arrangements and putting her plans together.

Jess walked into the dining room and found Willy and Rourke deep in conversation. Jess noticed rolls of papers on the sideboard, but she chose not to ask. Willy would let her in on whatever it was they were up to.

After sharing good mornings Jess grabbed a plate and scooped up egg, strips of thick bacon, a few wedges of tomato, and slices of bread, Jess sat down opposite Willy and dug in as the men continued to talk.

“I was just saying to Willy that I received an urgent private message from Governor Ranford of West Ireland.” Jess looked up at him and raised her eyebrow, as her mouth was full. “He has decided that a trip to the O’Cleirigh estate to visit his old school friend is in order and he ought to be here with his private entourage within a week or so. He has probably already left Galway, so we shall start preparations for my friend.” Smiling at Jess he winked and shoveled the egg into his mouth. “Oh yes, he did mention that our mutual acquaintance, Governor Trent of South Ireland, will happily join us for our annual hunt on the Estate. He and his private entourage will be preparing to leave Cork shortly.” Rourke sat back with a very smug expression on his face and patted his not at all bulging belly.

“Am I to assume that your school friends and acquaintance and their private entourages are all in agreement that we have a mutual fly in the ointment that needs to be eliminated?” Jess took a sip of coffee and looked at her father over the rim of the cup.

“Your assumption would most assuredly be accurate, my dear Jess.” He then glanced at Willy and cleared his throat and in a very formal fashion he leaned on the table and said, “May I ask a great favor of you, my dear?”

Jess put her cup down and pushed her plate away and sat back in her chair, nodded, and raised her hand palm in a gesture that he continue.

“May I ask that you dress as the beautiful young woman you are? Now,” holding up his hands in a gesture of peace, “I know you are pretending to be Deaglan, but as no one else is going to be around and all my friends know that Deaglan is in France, it would be an honor to introduce my beautiful Jessamine to them. Please?” Jessie smiled at her father and he visibly relaxed.

“I have no problem at all dressing as a girl. I just do not have any dresses or all the other bits that go with dresses.” She said simply, still very amused at her father’s nervousness at broaching the subject of her attire.

“Well, that can be remedied immediately. Leave it to me.” And he stood up and pulled the ever-busy rope at the door and Gibbs entered as expected.

“Gibbs my good man, could you speak to Beatrice about putting together a wardrobe for Jess, please? Riding, casual and sparkling evening dresses are to be arranged with all of the accompanying bits,” he turned and looked at Jess when he said this, “with perfumes too, yes?”

Gibbs stood and stared at Jess with an odd expression on his face and then quickly recovered and nodded, “Yes sir, right away, sir.”

“Right then, phase one of the plan has been struck off the list so for the rest of the day we enjoy each other’s company and go over phase two. What do you say?” Rourke rubbed his hands together and Jess had a thought.

“Would it be agreeable if we all went riding this afternoon and had a picnic afterward? I am sure the children would love the little adventure and Gem did say he thought Jackson, Spark, and Autumn were getting fat and lazy.” Jess smiled remembering Gem talking about the horses.

Willy had finished eating, what must have been his third plate of food, and said, “That’s a very good idea! Been itching to get me back into a saddle and having a look around the estate.”

“Excellent! Love the idea. Jess, would you mind arranging the picnic with the cook? And do remind her not to be a slouch when adding a few bottles of tipple, there’s a love.” Of course, thought Jess.

“I will get Sally to round up the children and get a message to the stables. We should be ready to leave in about two hours.” Clapping his hands Rourke left the dining room with a big smile on his face and Jess and Willy looked at each other and grinned.

“That’s the happiest I have seen him since we arrived.” Willy whistled and said, “I will walk off breakfast and go to the stables to oversee the horses.” Stretching and letting out a burp behind his hand Willy walked out of the dining room and did a little jig that left Jess grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Making her way to the kitchen Jess stopped when she heard slightly raised voices and walked closer more slowly. She knew she was eavesdropping but she trusted nobody right now.

“I don’t care what you say, Mister Gibbs. The children and the master have never seemed happier or in better spirits. Young Jess has brought a bit of magic with her into this dull and miserable house. I am going to make sure that every facet of her beauty is complimented with the resources that I have available to me and if you had any sense you would stop walking around as though your best friend just kicked you in the bollocks!” Jess smiled when she heard Beatrice lashing out at Gibbs.

“You best know your place and watch your filthy mouth, you street wench!” was shouted as Jess walked in to witness Gibbs raise his hand to lay a heavy blow across Beatrice’s face. Rushing forward with a speed borne from fight or flight, Jess grabbed his wrist and bent it forward, and twisted his arm behind his back, making him bend forward and toppling his ridiculous wig from his bald head. She shoved her knee into his lower back and pushed him forward and he fell to the floor.

Beatrice stood with her hand over her mouth and eyes as big as saucers as Gibbs scrabbled around to find his wig and shove it back on his head and stand up with a reddened and sweaty face. “How dare you? My mistress was right about you, you evil thing! From the moment you arrived uninvited you have caused nothing but trouble, and now you have the master eating out of your hand. What decent, respectful woman goes around dressed as a man? I’ll tell you! A trollop! You are a cheap bastard whore come to tear apart a decent woman’s family!” Gibbs stood breathing heavily, spittling at the corners of his mouth and clenching his fists at his sides.

Jessie leaned against the thick wooden kitchen table and crossed her arms over her chest and waited for Gibbs to finish ranting and panting and then raised her eyebrow and asked, “Finished?” He stood straighter and pulled his fancy coat straight and lifted his chin, but said nothing.

“Right, let me tell you something, Gibbs,” Jessie pushed herself away from the table and walked menacingly towards him with her hand on the pommel of her needle-sharp sword as she spoke, “I admire your loyalty to your mistress, but it is misplaced loyalty. I am Jesamine Aine Kellie O’Cleirigh, firstborn child to Genevieve de Clisson McKellie O’Cleirigh and Rourke Deaglan O’Cleirigh. Your mistress left me and her son, Nicholas from Benjamin McKellie, in the Americas to be raised by Benjamin McKellie and William James MacLeod, and as far as I am concerned they did a damn fine job. My mother, your mistress, roped my brother Nicholas into doing something that could get him killed, so I came here to find my brother and save his miserable backside and then go back home. All the other trouble caused in this house has been solely the responsibility of your mistress and, quite frankly, if you are so distraught that she is not here please do us all a favor and leave for Broch de Clisson today!” She was standing right in front of him now and his lips and chin quivered as he appeared to try and control himself, “If you don’t believe me then feel free to question your master, the one that pays your wage, the man you ought to show undying fealty to and I can guarantee that he will most assuredly agree with me and send you packing.”

Jess moved around him and stood behind his very stiff, shaking frame and whispered, “As far as being ‘an evil thing’, that is a matter of perspective. Of course, you will hate me when you know you’re wrong and I’m right. As for having to ‘dress as a man’, that was the only way I could travel because of the archaic laws of this land. Then you said, what was it?” Jess looked up with her hand on her chin and Beatrice quickly chimed in, “A trollop, mistress. He called you a trollop.” She said nodding her head.

“Ah, yes that’s right, ‘a trollop’. To be quite frank I haven’t a clue what the hell a trollop is!” Jess looked at Beatrice and raised her eyebrow and the woman happily filled her in. “He is saying you are a woman of loose morals who has many casual encounters with the opposite gender.”

“Ah, I see. Wrong on that account too, Gibbs. I am too much of a snob to be a trollop then. The last bit was, let me get this right, a ‘cheap bastard whore’ I believe you said before your steam ran out, yes? Cheap? Never! Very particular, yes, but never cheap. Bastard? Here again, you’re wrong. I know who my father is and you are either going blind or just too damned stubborn to see that I am my father’s image and my brother Deaglan is my image. When Marie-Louise and Benjamin mature they will also lean favorably to their sire. Last, but not least, you called me a whore. God help you if you ever utter those words to me again, Gibbs.” And Jess stood in front of him again with her hands behind her back and her eyes glaring icicles into his, “I will cut out your tongue, and to make sure you never feel the touch of a woman again, I will remove your cock! Do we have an understanding, Gibbs?”

Beatrice gasped and stifled a laugh by putting her hand over her mouth and looking away. Gibbs stood staring over Jessie’s head, but his face was wet with sweat and as red as a beet. Dropping his chin slightly and closing his eyes he muttered, “We have an understanding, mistress Jess.”

Patting him on the shoulder Jess said, “Good man, now let us get everything organized for the trip around the estate with the children and a lovely picnic to share after.” Bowing slightly and murmuring a yes mistress, Gibbs turned and left Jess and Beatrice.

“Right Beatrice, you know how to sort out a picnic for us, yes?” Jess eyed Beatrice and the jolly-faced woman was smiling as though she had just won the lottery. “Oh yes, miss Jess. I have pies and pastries, loaves of bread, buns, and cheeses, and plenty of strawberries so I will pack cream and then of course the fig preserve and I have chickens roasting at this moment that will be ready. Oh, Miss Jess, the children have not been on a picnic in an age and I know they will be so happy.”

“I have only one request from the master if you will?” Jess stopped Beatrice’s analogy of her inventory.

“I think I know what that may be.” She said with a stern look that quickly changed into a beaming smile and then a body-jiggling laugh. “I will pack enough whiskey for his lordship, perhaps some flagons of wine and there will be a ginger ale and lemonade I made just yestereve for the children.”

Smiling Jess thanked her and walked through the opposite door which she knew would take her to the back area of the big rambling house and nearly fell into her father who was standing with his hands behind his back. “What the hell? Dammit dad, what the hell?” Jess clapped her hand over her mouth and she knew her eyes were as wide as they would ever get!

Seeming to know what was going through her mind he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed her temple. “I will never be able to take from Ben what the two of you had and I will never even try my girl, but I am so pleased just to be your father for however much time we have. You have made me so proud and so very happy, and you are impossible not to love, Jessie.”

Jess hugged him back and did not feel as guilty as she thought she might and nor did she feel as though she were betraying Ben. “How long have you been standing here listening?” Jess asked and then quickly added, “In your own home.” And they shared a chuckle.

“Long enough to hear you sort out Gibbs and his nonsense. I was tempted to intervene, but you handled him as I would have expected you to. He is now, most assuredly, under no illusion as to who you are and that there are dire consequences if he crosses you.”

“With everything going on I am just afraid that our plans will be leaked to those who would cause irreparable damage,” Jess said as she walked with Rourke around the back and out towards the stables.

“Are you worried Gibbs may deceive us and lay our plans out to Rancliff and Daniels?” he asked her.

“I’d hate to think so, but yes. I have a problem trusting people I do not know.” Jess said frankly.

“On that account, Jess, you need not worry. Gibbs has been with my family since I was a young boy and has never been disloyal as far as that is concerned. I believe he is secretly in love with my wife, though. He is far too proper to do anything about it, but if Genevieve had secrets, he would know about them. He was at her beck and call and constantly did her bidding. Quite frankly, I was surprised he did not offer to go to Broch de Clisson with her.” He spoke calmly and as though he was resigned to the fact that Gibbs would put his personal feelings aside over loyalty to the O’Cleirigh family. Jessie felt her heart aching for her father and the thought that he would be alone.

“If you could make things right with Genevieve would you?” Jess asked sincerely and stopped to look at his face as he answered.

“You truly are an amazing young woman, Jess. But no, what Genevieve and I had cooled many years ago. What we had was wonderful, for me anyway. It pains me to think that I may have been misguided and that Genevieve was a very good actress. I am perfectly happy running my estate and businesses from home and keeping watch over the children. I think I have gotten to a stage in my life where those are what is important. Make sure the children are taken care of and I have as few worries as possible. But then again, Marie-Louise is still very young.” And they laughed together and walked arm in arm to the stables. Jess was under no illusions about the reality that her father was still very much in love with his wife and was talking from a place of hurt and pain.

Watching father and daughter from the upstairs window, Gibbs felt shame and his face reddened again. How could he have said such terrible things to the child even he had not known existed? The mistress had told him many things, but she never once mentioned Jessamine. There was no denying she was the master’s child and the young woman had a lot of fire in her blood. She had quite clearly seen and experienced pain and hardship. The injury along her jaw was evidence of that. If the mistress could have omitted that from all that she had told him, was it then not reasonable to assume that there were some things she had embellished or even told untruths about? His shame and sense of betrayal grew in his heart and he hung his head and allowed the tears to flow freely. His love for Genevieve and all he had done for her seemed like so much wasted time and effort he ought to have put into being a true and loyal employee to his master. Turning from the window he wiped his eyes and nose with his hanky, straightened his jacket, and lifted his chin. Walking into the room where the children were doing their lessons he clapped his hands, “Milord has acquiesced to Mistress Jessie’s request for everyone to spend the day riding and then sharing a picnic.” The children squealed and clapped their hands happily. “Go and change into your riding clothes and meet me in the entrance area when you are done.” The children ran up to Gibbs and thanked him with quick hugs and then raced off to change their clothes.

Gibbs smiled happily and felt so grateful to be a part of this beautiful family.

Jessie sat astride Spark and he seemed ready for a bit of exercise as his muscles twitched and his ears pricked up. Keeping him in check Jess patted his neck and spoke softly and promised he could go for a good run when they had warmed up a bit. They had a few groomsmen with them and the horses were of excellent stock and were all raring to go for a bit of exercise and the day was turning exceptionally clear and wind free.

Hearing the children’s voices Jess looked over her shoulder and was so amused to see Gibbs with a tail of Marie-Louise, Benjamin, and then little Gem. One at a time he lifted each child onto their respective mounts and Gem beamed as he sat on Jacksons’ back. He patted his neck and chatted to him happily and Jess felt very proud of the boy.

Walking over to Jess and Spark, Gibbs inclined his head and said softly, “I beg your pardon, Mistress Jess, for my vile and unforgivable behavior and revolting use of the English language in your presence. It will most assuredly never happen again.” And he dipped his chin and Jess had a newfound respect for the man. “You’re forgiven, Gibbs. Think no more on it.” And Jess meant it. “Where is your mount so we can be on our way?” Jess asked, but it was Rourke who had sidled up to them and answered, “Gibbs would never dare to set his arse on the back of any animal who has teeth and shits!” Laughter roared and echoed around the stable grounds and Gibbs blushed, but grinned and nodded his head. “Quite so, sir. Quite so! I shall be bringing the provisions to the picnic spot and by the time you are all ready to eat and relax we will have it all set up and ready for you.” Smiling broadly and having a feeling of relief flood his veins Gibbs walked over to the little wagon that was being loaded and got up onto the seat.

“Right, if we are ready what say you all that we make our way down to Loch Criostail Agus Eas?” and the children roared their approval. “Let us be on our way then.” Rourke waved his hand above his head and the group of excited children and horses sprang forward happily. Jess stayed near Gem and noticed that each child had a groomsman nearby as did she, Rourke, and Willy, which brought their party to twelve, and then Gibbs and Beatrice were on the wagon with another two maids, so that made their party a small group of sixteen. Jessie laughed to herself and shook her head thinking of the twenty-first century. Willy, Jess, and Gem would have got towels, and a change of clothes and jumped into the Range Rover, gone over to a takeaway joint and grabbed grub, and headed off, but this was truly fun and Jess thoroughly enjoyed the camaraderie of their group. She wondered how much Gray would enjoy something like this and imagined him with them and his beautiful smile and him being on a horse. Her pulse raced and she held the image close to her heart.

Rourke called to Gibbs, “Be on your way then. We will all meet at the designated picnic spot.” Talking to the children and their grooms Rourke said, “Jess, Willy, and I are going to go for a sprint so you children stay with your grooms.” And to the grooms, he said, “Careful with our precious cargo, please lads.” After a round of ‘Aye’s,’ he called to Jess and Willy, “Ready for a heart-racing ride? Whoever gets to the very big and very old birch tree that has my initials carved into it is the winner!” Jess was more than ready and she winked and waved to Gem who happily waved back and mouthed, “Win, Jessie.” Nodding at him she blew him a kiss and leaned on Spark’s neck and said one word, “Go!” The horse sensing her excitement sprang forward and chased after Rourke with Willy bringing up the rear.

Fortunately, there was a fairly obvious path through the grass, up and over hills, and through copses and Jess let Spark have his head and she lifted her backside and pushed herself on his neck. Being as tiny as she was and weighing just over one hundred and twenty pounds the horse easily eclipsed Rourke. She heard his happy laughter and she squealed and Spark proved that a little weight and laziness did not mean he was slow.

After a while, Jess looked over her shoulder and saw Rourke and Willy neck in neck and she mused about how well her father rode. He had obviously spent a lot of time in the saddle and it showed, as well as Willy’s ability to ride and his invaluable schooling, that Jess was certain she was born to ride.

Heading up another hill Jess called to Spark, “You have more than that under your belly, boy. You are a superstar and you move like the wind. Go!” Dropping his head and flattening his ears and with rolling eyes, the horse pushed himself even faster and harder. Jess heard her blood pounding in her ears, the wind pushing at her face, her eyes watering and the thumping of Sparks’ hooves in time with her racing heart and it brought her a huge amount of wild pleasure. The feeling of being free and simply flying as one with the horse beneath her. She felt euphoric and for the first time in a long time her heart felt light and she knew she best enjoy the moment as you never know what tomorrow would bring.

Cresting the hill she looked down and there below them was an extremely large birch tree Jess yelped like an Apache Indian and called to Spark, “We are nearly there boy!” and they flew down the road to the winners’ post. Reigning Spark in gently he came to a heaving stop right beside the tree and Jess was heaving just as loudly as she jumped off and felt the effects of the ride in her legs. Patting the horse and praising him Jess walked him around the tree and then allowed him to walk off freely on his own. She knew he would not go too far. She looked up at the trunk of the tree and saw the very large letters R.D.O’C engraved into the old tree with the year seventeen eighty-two beneath it and beneath that a very large scar of gauged out bark.

Just then Willy and Rourke came to a halt together and they too walked their mounts and praised them and then set them loose. They all spoke at once about the ride and their efforts and how exciting it actually is to be able to ride and what amazing creatures horses are. It was a glorious moment and Jess knew she would hold it in her heart forever more.

“How old were you when you engraved your initials here?” asked Willy pointing to the tree. Rourke stood and looked at the engraving and Jess saw a flash of sadness, but he smiled quickly and said, “Oh, I think I might have been about fifteen at the time.” Willy had noticed the flash of sadness so he did not enquire about the big scar beneath the year. Instead, he commented on how old he thought the tree may be and admired it. It was truly a very beautiful and very large tree.

“If we walk down that ridge over there we will find a river and then follow it up and we will reach the picnic spot in about an hour. Ready to have a bit of a walk?” Rourke asked happily and they all agreed a walk is what they all needed and retrieved their mounts and began walking and happily discussing the estate and his tenants. The land was green and lush and when they reached the river they all had a drink, including the horses and the water was icy cold, but sweet as honeysuckle.

They were all three still busy chatting when the sound of children’s laughter carried to them and Jess couldn’t help but smile when she heard Gem’s very distinct giggle. Again she was reminded of how much she had grown to love the boy and her heart constricted. Around a bend in the river, they saw the children playing and the picnic set up.

It looked like something out of a fairy tale and Jess gasped. A type of tent structure had been set up with a carpet on the grass, a table set in the middle with chairs and benches set around it. All the picnic treats had been set out with cutlery, crockery, and glassware. It was truly magnificent to see. Jess stood admiring the effort that had gone into the simple picnic she had envisioned and took mental pictures and thought how sad it was that the whole idea of picnics had been lost through the ages. This truly was what a picnic ought to look like.

The children spotted them and came rushing over and Jess bent down to hug Gem as the grooms, who could not keep up with their race, took the horses to tether and groom them. Gem could not wait to show Jess the Loch Criostail Agus Eas, which he happily told her meant Crystal Lake and Waterfall. Jess’ breath was taken away when she saw the beauty of the waterfall. It was not tall or majestic in that way, but it was elegant in that the water flowed like silvery crystal syrup over massive boulders and rocks that appeared to have been placed there by giants who were making a staircase and she said as much to everyone else standing looking at the waterfall. At the bottom was a large round pool that was so clear you could see the pebbles on the bottom and the so-called steps continued into the bottom. “Absolutely spectacular.” Said Jess as she sat on the bank with Gem and simply enjoyed the moment and beauty. A strange sense of homesickness came over her and her heart felt heavy.

Little Gem reached up and gently touched her scar and said, “Your scar is fading, Jessie. It is very light pink now and soon it will be nearly gone.” She looked down at him and smiled wondering what made him think of her injury.

As though he could read her mind he said, “Your scar looks like the Crystal Waterfall, Jess, and one day it will be as smooth and clear as the waterfall too, but it will make you look even more beautiful. So not everything bad is something to be afraid of.” Kissing him on the tip of his nose Jess said, “You are such an amazing little boy, Gem and your words humble me.”

Rourke and Willy had overheard the child and they merely looked at each other and smiled and walked to the picnic area together with Marie and Ben, and left Jess and Gem to their private moment.

After a little while, they got up together and went to join the rest of the picnic party and Gem mentioned how hungry he was. Jess had to agree because she was just as hungry and her stomach growled in response to her words.