Hurdles - Cindy (Book 2)

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I wish I knew then what I know now.

I was strong and I kept going but at what price? As a woman I would admit I had failed myself but as a mother and wife I was putting in my very best but what I didn’t realize was that before I was a mother or wife I was a woman first. If and when I was good to myself then everything would fall into place, but I did wrong by myself.

By 2015 the emotional blackmail and gender based violence had become normal in my marriage and my soul was just watching from the sidelines as my spirit continually got crushed.

Elias never changed his cheating ways, but this particular time I remember him having this girlfriend that had brought more problems in our home. She was a student and I still don’t understand what it was with him and these small girls.

He would come home at 23hrs or even 1 in the morning and each time I opened the door for him hoping he would change, the next morning he would wake up in his moods and that meant he would go on for days without talking to me.

You know what they say about a broke man not being capable of showing genuine emotions? Well my Elias and I would be in good books for weeks and a week before his pay day he would stop talking to me for trivial things. If it wasn’t the salt that was too much in the food then it was the sugar that was too much in his tea. He showed me through his actions that he was king and I was slave to him, and immediately the money was done then we would go back to our normal ways.

Like a fool I fell pregnant for the fourth time with my last born, for some unknown reasons my family planning pills just stopped working. Elias was furious; he was so mad he claimed I was just having more kids to continue using up his money. A huge part of the first trimester he never talked to me, we were practically living like strangers in our house. The hospital had to call him personally because they could not register me for anti natal without an HIV test and he had to be there.

I had to budget the rationing money to buy clothes for the new baby. by this time I was skilled with ponzi schemes and I was running a poultry at the back yard but even with my little efforts he still found my efforts meaningless.

‘So you think this useless business will see the kids through college? Is that why you keep producing?’ He would ask times without number

But I wouldn't answer because the deed had been done and I was having this baby whether he approved of it or not.

He intensified his affairs after I got pregnant, I thought if it didn’t stop it would ruin us and that is how I called his parents, they came and counseled him, I called church members to help us as a couple. He played along and acted all changed but immediately they left, he laughed at me claiming how no one would ever change him. He proudly told me he was a man of his own deeds and actions and nothing anyone said or did would change that.

I had my last born in April 2016 and by this time my husband had gotten a job with another mining company which paid him three times more than what he was getting at his previous job. Any normal adult would think things improved for us but it only got worse.

He said I was jealous of his progress and I was not happy for him. To be honest I was not happy with his new job and I did not hide it from him, this job kept him away from home and left me raising the children alone .The living standard at home did not change because he kept his money to himself. And by this time I was tired of fighting I just watched and told myself I would wait for my son to grow up so that I got myself a job.

My husband started a new affair and this time the girl was raised by a grandmother who was using charms. Not that i blame her for his behavior but I guess I allowed so much that it became normal, he continued to beat and strip me naked in front of the kids and afterwards leave me to clean the wounds. I was done calling his relatives because they all dismissed my allegations saying I was disrespecting their son.

Elias was such a manipulator any other person that wasn’t in my shoes would have believed that I was lying too. He bluntly started telling me how it was a mistake that he married me, and it was at this point I decided to look for a job.

Up to this day I continue to praise God because work wise I have always been so lucky, each time I looked for work God would come through and this situation wasn’t so different.

I got one with a media company in Lusaka and my friend advised me to accept the offer and later on we would process a transfer to home so I could be with my kids. I had barely worked a week and a family emergency meeting was called by my husband, his parents requested that I stop work immediately and go back home to take care of the kids.

I refused but instead promised them to say if in a months time I didn’t get a transfer I would resign, my mother inlaw was adamant saying how a good wife and mother wasn’t supposed to raise her kids like that. She preached about how society would laugh at me for leaving my matrimonial home to follow my dreams, dreams that could be chased later in life.

Her words touched a muscle and that is how I accepted to resign for fear of society laughing at me. The following day at the office I wrote my resignation letter but couldn’t hand it in, the entire week I kept moving with it in my bag and still I couldn’t hand it in. And as if I had passed an unknown test, my boss called me the following week saying my transfer had been approved and I would have to travel back home to prepare for work that side.

I was so happy I called home but was surprised when my eldest picked up sounding off; I worriedly asked her what the problem was and she told me Elias had packed out everything and had just left my clothes in one corner of the house.

I thought she was lying until I called him directly, he proudly told me he was done with the marriage and wanted out. He said he was going with the kids where he was moving to because they were his and that is how he left me in the cold with nothing but my clothes.

I came home to a locked gate, he had gotten my children and I didn’t even know where he was this time around. I tried to call his line but he had blocked me and there was no way I would reach him. I knew he hated me but not this much, I thought the fact that we had those children together he would treat me differently but I was wrong.

As I stood there outside, I knew this was my last blow. I would never recover from this no matter what I did.

Elias had caused me twice the pain I had explained to him, twice the pain he had promised never to cause me.

And I had no idea how I was going to survive this, but those five children needed me. And even if I had to lay down my life just so I could give them the life Elias had deprived me of, I would do it.

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Your Friend and Author

Winnie

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