Humans Bite Back

After Death Row, Petra shifted into the cat, and before Aunt Finn could close the door, she skittered off into the neighborhood.

“Darn it, Petra,” Finn cried as she watched Petra’s tail disappear through the bushes. “I have a case of potion that needs to be bottled and delivered this afternoon.”

My phone was buzzing in my pocket; the other warlocks were anxious to plan our first coven meeting. My fingers itched to dive into my pocket and help with the planning, but seeing Aunt Finn so stressed inspired me to volunteer my services.

The little greenhouse in the center of the backyard was packed with potted plants, and beams had been erected to hold drying herbs. I stopped at what appeared to be a Venus Flytrap, and as I knelt to gaze at it, the Venus flytrap opened its mouth and let out a wheeze.

“Oh dear, I forgot to turn on his humidifier before we left this morning,” Aunt Finn commented, undeterred as she hurried to plug in a small white box that sat next to the plant on the counter.

“Plants can get sick?” I asked in surprise.

“Of course, everything on this planet is prone to illness and susceptible to death,” Finn responded.

“The vampires never get sick,” I reminded her.

“Sickness does not only present in the body,” Aunt Finn retorted as she slipped under the table and emerged with a case of tiny glass bottles. “The corks are stored inside that empty coffee can,” she told me, nodding at an empty coffee container sitting on one of the weathered benches.

Assuming that she meant for me to collect it, I scooped up the coffee can filled with corks and followed her over to what appeared to be a copper still. “When I fill a bottle, I’m going to pass it to you, and you need to cork it as soon as possible, so it doesn’t lose its potency,” without waiting for a reply, she plucked a bottle from the case, placed the mouth under a spout and then opened up the tap.

I watched as a pale green liquid filled the bottle, the bottles were miniatures, so it was only seconds before she passed me a bottle to cork and then moved on to the next one.

It took no time to complete the case; once we were done, Aunt Finn packed the case with straw and secured the top by looping wires through the slates.

She turned to me and offered me the case. “Why don’t you deliver this to Edna’s for me?”

I was stunned for a moment but quickly recovered as I asked, “You mean Edna’s Exotic Emporium?”

“Oh good, you know the place,” Aunt Finn replied as she shoved the case into my chest. I wrapped my hands around it and followed Aunt Finn as she led the way out of the greenhouse.

“You can take my vehicle; I’ll go fetch you the keys,” she continued as she opened the gate and stood aside so I could pass by. Aunt Finn turned and closed the gate behind us before jogging around the back of her car and lifting the hatchback so that I could deposit the cargo.

Aunt Finn dashed into the house and returned a few seconds later, dangling the car keys.

“Are you sure you should be sending me?” I asked her.

“It would be a big help, the plants in the back still need to be watered, and there is Olender around the back that I need to pick before some poor confused animal stumbles into it,”

“Well, isn’t Edna’s, doesn’t Edna’s…?” I fumbled.

Finn waved a dismissive hand. “That age restriction is just for the humans,”

Too embarrassed to say “Sex shop” to my Aunt, I just nodded dumbly, opened the driver’s side door, and climbed behind the wheel.

While adjusting the seat, Aunt Finn tapped on the window and motioned for me to roll it down. I followed her instructions, and she said, “Make sure you collect the empty crate,” she told me.

“No problem,” I said and then nodded to reassure her that I wouldn’t forget.

Once Finn was a safe distance away from the car, I turned the key into the ignition and shifted the car into reverse.

Edna’s was located on Brewery Street, around the corner from Breeze Street, which was the heart of Silverdale.

Every business was owned and operated by the Lycans, vampires, witches, and ghouls, and they were all patronized by humans who had a remarkable ability to deny the truth.

Dr. Briggs operated a veterinary clinic for domestic pets but always left his back door open for werewolves who had come down with a case of fleas or worms.

The ghouls, who had a knack for baking, worked in the kitchen of Edwin’s Edibles, but for the human’s comfort, the register was always operated by creatures who could easily pass for humans.

Breeze Street was filled with colorful and welcoming storefronts, but right around the corner lurked the lecherous side of Silverdale.

Brewery Street got its name from the large brewery that was witch-owned called Bad Brew, which took up an entire block on its own.

A string of bars and werewolf night spots complimented the brewery, each building dark and cast in shadows, but the shining beacon of Brewery Street was Edna’s Exotic Emporium.

Of course, the picture windows were tinted to prevent outsiders from gawking at the merchandise, but since the shop’s name was scrawled across the brick in large turquoise lettering, it was hard to miss.

The shop indicated parking was available in the back, but one glance down the pitch-black ally that ran alongside the building convinced me to park on the street and enter through the front door.

Hefting the crate in one hand, I pulled on the door handle and crossed the threshold into the store. The bell above the door announced my arrival, but there was no cashier behind the counter, and no one came rushing into the showroom to acknowledge my presence.

“Hello?” I called out hopefully. I hovered by the door for a moment longer, but I ventured further into the shop when my greeting received no response.

I had heard tales of Edna’s from other warlocks that had claimed to have gained entry into the shop. To my surprise, it was unremarkably tame; sure, there were shocking rubber appendages on the wall and what I could only imagine to be torture devices, but not one nude lady lurking around the place.

As interesting as the items hanging on the wall were, there was only one piece of merchandise that caught my eye. It was in the center of the room, protected by a glass casing.

I moved towards it. The item could have been cupped in the palm of your hand, but its design was so unusual that I struggled to comprehend what I was seeing. My gaze moved to the folded placement card erected in front of the contraption. “Petunia,” I read out loud.

I meant to move around the back of the display so I could inspect Petunia further, but suddenly my ankles snapped together with such force that the bones clattered.

Before I could protest, my calves were suddenly entrapped, and my kneecaps clapped my thighs shut. I looked down, and to my horror, a sizeable scaled body was working its way up to my groin in a slow and intentional slither.

I clutched the case of potions to my chest for protection and opened my mouth to scream for help. My tongue had lost its ability to form words, so only a high-pitched scream escaped my throat.

My scream did garner the attention of the store attendant, but my relief was short-lived when I saw the figure that had emerged from a closed door in the back of the shop.

Clad in a leather vest and matching chaps, an older man rushed into the showroom. He spotted the boa constrictor that was lacing itself around my hips and scowled at it. “Banana Pepper, down girl,” he ordered in a voice of authority.

When the snake ignored him, he sighed and then dashed around the counter, only to emerge with what appeared to be a spray bottle full of clear liquid.

“Banana Pepper,” he said in a warning tone as he raised the bottle. The snake paused, and from the corner of my eye, I saw its head pop up over my left shoulder. The snake stared blankly at the silver-haired fellow as he eased towards it. “Release him now,” the man warned, raising the bottle and pointing it at the snake.

The snake stiffened as if it were going to disobey; when it did this, I felt my bowels clench and feared that in the next few days, Aunt Finn would be planning my Death Row.

The snake acted as if it meant to challenge the man, but after a second glance at the squirt bottle, it relented, and slowly it began to ease its grip on me.

I felt my shoulders sag in relief, and the man sprung forward to rescue the crate from me. He tossed it onto the counter and then leaped forward with lightning speed as the reptile unwound itself from my ankles.

My legs were numb, and they refused to support me unwillingly. I began to tilt backward, but the man caught me from behind and steadied me.

A door from behind the counter opened, and I heard someone screen. The figure that had just emerged leaned back inside and cried, “Be quiet, Ricky, I’m trying to run a business out here,” with that, the figure closed the door and stepped into the light.

She was an older lady with a cloud of white hair that puffed out from underneath her biker cap. She was dressed in a leather catsuit that wasn’t kind to her figure. She came around the counter and placed her hands on her plump hips. “What in the world is going on out here?” she demanded.

“Banana caught another one,” that man said in a light tone. The woman clapped her hands together, “She did?” she looked past us and cooed, “That’s a good girl.”

Bewildered, I shifted to my right to see if I had recovered the feeling in my feet. “That’s it,” the older man said in an encouraging tone, “Stretch it out.”

The woman walked over to the counter and inspected the crate the man had rescued. “Chad, I think that’s Finn’s boy,” she commented.

The man, still holding my shoulders steady, stepped in front of me to get a better look at my face. He tilted my chin up and gazed into my face. “He doesn’t favor her,” he said before releasing my chin.

Now that the blood was circulating in my body, I found my voice. “I’m Finn’s nephew, Bishop,” I pointed at the crate, “Aunt Finn told me to deliver that and collect the empty crate.”

“Go get him the empty crate from the storm room,” the lady cried, “I’ll tend to our young guest.”

The woman grasped my elbow as the man released me. He hurried to the store’s back and disappeared into the room he had emerged from earlier.

“It’s nice to meet you, Bishop,” the woman told me kindly, “I’m Edna, and that is my partner Chad,” she looked over at the spiral staircase in the corner of the shop. The snake who had been squeezing the life out of me only moments ago was now wrapped along the staircase’s railing in a lazy and relaxed manner. “And that is our guard snake, Banana Pepper.”

“She and I are well acquainted,” I quipped.

“She wouldn’t be out here if we had some help,” Edna shook her head, “Chad and I have eternity, but there still never seems to be enough time to get everything done.”

“I suppose running a shop while having to hunt down fresh victims could be quite taxing,” I told her sympathetically.

“With our cult responsibilities on top of everything else!” she exclaimed with an eye roll. She reached down, seized my wrist, and pressed her thumb against the protruding vessels.

“Your pulse seems steady,” she muttered, “Do you think you can stand on your own?” I parted and planted my feet. The feeling had returned to my limbs, though the balls of my ankles felt sore. I nodded, and Edna released me.

Chad returned with the empty crate in his hands. Edna stood back, stroking her chin as she observed me thoughtfully.

“Here’s Finn’s crate; tell her to double the order next week; this lust potion is flying off the shelves,” Chad told me as I accepted the crate.

Edna stepped forward and linked her arm with Chad’s. Still looking at me, she said, “Chad, my little walnut, what would you think about us hiring our first employee?”

Chad raised his brow in surprise. He looked from Edna to me before saying, “Well, I never considered it before, but I suppose we could use an extra hand,”

It occurred to me what she was suggesting, and I began to back up a little, noting that several feet remained between me and the door.

“How would you like a job?” Edna asked me; she expanded her hands, “It will only require a little dusting, stocking, and running the register; what do you say?”

I wanted to refuse her offer, but my tongue was paralyzed in inaction. I had not yet recovered when she clapped her hands together and said, “Goody, of course, I’ll have to call your Aunt Finn for permission,”

“He’s so excited that he’s gaping like a fish!” Chad cried in delight as he wrapped his arm around Edna’s shoulder. She clasped her hands in front of her. “It’s probably his first real job Chad; the excitement has left him speechless.

The two of them stood there beaming at me, and that was when I realized that my protests would fall on deaf ears. So I clapped my mouth shut and gave them a nod of acceptance.

Edna pulled away from Chad and linked her arm with mine as she escorted me to the door. “We don’t open until noon, but be here at a quarter ’till to clean the bathroom and get money out of the safe,” she opened the front door and spotted Aunt Finn’s car parked on the street. “If you have to drive, there is parking around the back; we like to leave the front spot open for customers.”

My eyes shot to the ally that ran alongside the shop, but before I could respond, Edna disappeared back inside the shop.

I sighed heavily, lifted the hatch, and tossed the wooden box into the back. I was about to slide into the driver’s seat when a distinct ding rang out from my pocket.

I had intended to rush home and convince Aunt Finn to turn down Edna’s job offer on my behalf (I was too cowardly to do it myself), but Edna worked quickly; she must have contacted Finn the moment I had left the shop because Aunt Finn was texting me now, to congratulate me on my new job.