SWNOVELS HUGE X2: Chapter 3
The evening progresses with more drinking and more fun dancing. Our other friends join us and I’m having such a blast that I don’t realize the time. It’s Nathan that grabs my hand and tells me we should head home. His eyes are soft as I stagger on my heels and reach out to stabilize myself, using his chest as a prop.
“Come on, Peanut,” he laughs. “I think you’ve had enough fun.”
“Impossible,” I slur. “A person can never have enough fun.”
“Okay, Titch,” Ethan whispers in my ear from behind. “Whatever you say.”
“You’re cute when you’re wasted,” Nathan laughs, leading me over to where they left their coats. We get ready to leave and Katelin is chatting to me at a hundred miles an hour about college and an assignment we are supposed to be turning in, but all I can think about is my warm bed and the pillow that seems to be calling my name. I’m so sleepy that I lean on Nathan on the way out. My car is in the parking lot but I’ve drunk too much to drive it home. One of the twin’s friends is the designated driver and we slide into the back seat of his SUV. It’s cavernous but somehow Nathan’s thigh seems to find a way to press against mine and Ethan drapes his arm across the back of the seat in a way that kind of seems like he’s putting his arm around me.
My head feels warm and fuzzy so when I put my hands on their knees and squeeze affectionately, I don’t realize how provocative that might be until it’s too late. They both seem to stiffen at the contact and I pull my hands back and rest them demurely in my lap. It suddenly seems so much smaller in the back of the car, as though the doors have pushed inwards and I’m crowded in by men on all sides. There are four in the SUV with me; my stepbrother bookends, Bryan, and Royce. There’s a conversation happening between them that involves a quarterback, two strippers and a stash of blow large enough to take out a herd of elephants. Bryan is laughing that some guys have all the luck. Royce is laughing too. The twins are quiet though and I wonder why. This is guy talk. They’d usually be in the center of this. I wonder if the rumors are true. Have they had a threesome? Or a foursome. I’m not a virgin but group sex is a whole other thing. A whole other thing that I hadn’t ever considered before I met them. A whole other thing that I’m starting to wish had never crossed my mind, because now here I am, unable to think about anything else. If I ever do manage to get them out of my fantasies and my heart and try to move on to an ordinary relationship, how is vanilla sex ever going to match up to what I’ve imagined with Nathan and Ethan? How will anyone else have a chance of coming close to what I’m imagining about them.
I gaze out of the window, trying to ignore Ethan’s striking profile, and the fact that at least one of his fingers now seems to be resting on my shoulder. My whole nervous system has zeroed into that one tiny point of contact that is probably accidental. He can’t really be wanting to stroke my neck, can he?
The neighborhood whizzes by in a blur of gray buildings illuminated by yellow streetlights. We’re not far from home now and my heart seems to be beating faster with every mile covered. I need to get out of this vehicle. I need to get into the sanctity of my room and decompress or something. Maybe I’ll fire up that Magic Mike XXL clip where Channing Tatum entertains a houseful of women. I need something extra special to take my mind off the twins tonight.
‘Are you okay?’ Nathan says quietly and I jump at the sound of his voice. ‘You’re not feeling sick are you?’
I shake my head. My throat feels tight.
‘You sure?’ asks Ethan. ‘You seemed to be putting it away in there and you haven’t been out much lately. Royce will freak if you’re sick in his ride.
‘What?’ Royce shouts, craning his neck to look at us. ‘If she’s feeling sick I’m pulling over right now. I’ve had a chick vomit my car before and it took months for the smell to go away.’
‘I’m fine,’ I say, sounding more exasperated than the conversation really warrants. I’m tired of the twins babying me. I’m tired of them fussing, and caring and acting like big brothers that I never wanted.
‘It’s okay,’ Ethan says to Royce. ‘She’s okay. You don’t need to stop.’
Royce turns again, as though he doesn’t believe we are telling the truth. We’re only a minute from our house anyway so he carries on, putting his foot down to cover the journey a little quicker.
When we pull up at the curb Nathan jumps out and holds the door open for me. As I slide to exit the vehicle I make sure to pull my skirt down so I’m at least half decent. Ethan gets out the other side and they both bang the top of the car to say goodbye. Royce puts his window down to ask the twins something about a party in a few days. I make my way up the path, fumbling in my purse for my keys, wanting to get in and up the stairs as quickly as possible. I leave the front door open for the twins and shoot up to my room like a bat out of hell. When I’m safely inside I close the door and lean back against it, taking deep breaths to calm my pounding heart and racing mind. I’m still as I hear the front door close and the boys taking their shoes off in the hallway. They seem to be whispering in that way that men do; not really a whisper but more like a rumble. They’re not loud enough for me to make out what they’re saying, which is very frustrating. I really want to know, even if it isn’t about me. In fact, if I knew they were talking about Katelin or one of the other girls at the bar tonight it would probably be better. I could try and push all thoughts of them from my mind with some conviction that they have eyes on other prizes.
I hear them climbing the stairs and walking down the hall to their room. They seem to pause outside my door, or maybe I’m imaging it. Then they continue, closing their door quietly. I know when they have finished getting ready for bed because the faucets are quiet and I hear the click of the light switch. When I’m in my PJ’s I tiptoe from my room to get some water from the kitchen. It’s quiet as I descend and I figure they must have fallen asleep as soon as their heads touched their pillows. But on the way back up, I hear voices. I know I shouldn’t try to hear what they’re saying; after all, no one ever heard anything good by listening to conversations that weren’t meant for their ears. The thing is, I absolutely can’t resist tiptoeing towards their door and leaning in.
I first hear them talking about Bryan, speculating about whether if he’s ever going to get busy with Katelin. I want to laugh because I was wondering the very same thing earlier in the night. Ethan jokes about how Bryan says he likes to take his time, but actually he’s just a chicken shit. Nathan laugh’s and agrees and then they both go quiet. I’m thinking they must be going to sleep and I start to pad away then Nathan say’s something that has all the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.
‘Did you see what Carrie was wearing tonight?’
‘Yeah,’ Ethan says. ‘Even a blind man wouldn’t have missed that.’
‘Why do you think she came out? She’s been hanging around at home so much lately.’
‘I don’t know man,’ Ethan replies. ‘I thought she maybe had boyfriend trouble but I asked Katelin and she isn’t dating.’
‘You asked Katelin? When, tonight?’ Nathan says and I hear shifting around as if he’s sitting up in bed.
‘Yeah. I thought, fuck it. I need to know what’s going on.’
‘Why? We’ve talked about this, bro,’ Nathan says, sounding almost exasperated. ‘She’s our stepsister. We can’t do anything.’
‘Listen,’ Ethan says. ‘I know what we said, but I swear she feels the same. Don’t you feel it when she’s near you? It’s like fucking static electricity.’
I hear Nathan groan. ‘I know, but fuck. She’s supposed to be family, man.’
‘No, she isn’t. She’s not blood. We’ve only been in this shitty situation for a year. I’ve had sneakers longer than that. A whole year of my dick feeling like it’s going to explode. Seriously, dude, we’ve gotta do something about this before I go fucking crazy.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Aren’t you? You think we’ve just been shooting the shit all this time? You think I haven’t been serious about going after her?’
‘I don’t know, Ethan. We talk a lot of shit. Always have, always will. Talking to you is like thinking for me. But, sometimes we think about things we shouldn’t be thinking about. Doing those things is a whole other matter.’
‘Do you want to?’ Ethan asks, and he says it in such a cold and serious way I almost fall against the door straining to hear Nathan’s reply. I can’t believe what they are saying. It’s like all my dreams and my greatest fears are being debated through two inches of hardwood. I almost consider walking away so I don’t hear either way. I know that by tomorrow I’m going to have to avoid them at all costs. Forget hibernating at home. I’m going to have to exile myself.
‘Of course I want to,’ Nathan says before I can back away. And then I’m frozen to the spot. It hasn’t been my imagination all this time. They feel the same way I do and they’ve been as torn as I’ve been. I don’t know if I feel better or worse. The past year has been torture for me and thinking that they have been going through the same thing makes me feel sad. All those nights I’ve lain awake, with just a wall between us, thinking about them while they’ve been thinking about me. All the wasted yearning and fantasizing.
‘Then we’ve gotta do it,’ Ethan says.
‘Do what?’ Nathan blurts, and I can hear that he’s swiveled out of bed and put his feet on the floor. I can imagine what he looks like; bright eyes shining in the darkness, hair mussed from lying down, bare chest rippling with muscle.
‘We’ve gotta tell her and make her see what she’s been missing.’
‘What, both of us? She’ll think we’re fucking crazy. She’ll think we’re perverts. She’ll tell the olds and we’ll be out on the street.’
‘It’s both of us or neither of us. It’s how it’s always been, Nath. I couldn’t do it without you, bro, knowing how you feel too.’
‘I know, but this is different. This is Carrie. This actually means something to me.’
‘And me,’ Ethan says, sounding exasperated. ‘You think I haven’t thought about all this. You think I don’t know what the risks are? I saw how she was looking at us tonight. I know she wants us as much as we want her. We’ve just got to pick the right moment to tell her.’
‘And when might that be? Over family breakfast? While we’re passing in the hall. ‘By the way, sis, would you like to play hide the salami? Except there are two salamis. Do you think you can manage that much sausage at once?”
‘Enough with the sausage jokes, man. If we’re going to do this thing, we have to be honest with her. Tell her how we feel. That it’s not just about sex. That we like her.’
‘Like her,’ Nathan laughs. ‘Is that what you call it?’
‘Well, telling her we want to fuck her boneless, then keep her hidden in our man cave forever probably wouldn’t cut it.’
‘You think?’ Nathan laughs again and I can imagine them both, sitting on their beds in the dark, like shadowy reflections of each other. I have a sudden urge to twist the door handle and step into the room, to tell them that I feel the same and it’s okay. But I can’t. I’m frozen with my ear now fully pressed against the door so I don’t miss a thing. God, if my mom stepped out into the hallway, what would she do?
The room on the other side of the door is quiet. I wonder what they are both thinking now. Are they imagining when they are going to make this wondrous confession to me? Are they considering the implications if I really was shocked at their intentions? Or maybe, like me, they are thinking of what will happen if we all feel the same way. If we really get a chance to live out our fantasies. If the world was a perfect place with no judgments and no restrictive moral codes, I’d be sitting on cloud nine right now feeling like a cat with all the cream. But it isn’t. Far from it. Somehow knowing that they feel the same as me has only made me feel worse.
It sounds stupid, right? Finding out that everything you’ve been hoping and dreaming about could be about to come true shouldn’t suck this much. When it was all a distant and abstract idea it seemed possible. Now I just know it isn’t. The snoring I can hear from our parents’ room reminds me of two big reasons why I’m going to have to say no. The sound of the engine of next door’s car backing into their drive reminds me of plenty more. And my sinking heart is the biggest barrier. I couldn’t stand the shame. I know it now. People pointing and whispering in the halls at college. They’re my stepbrothers and I just don’t think I could be girl that was tagged by the twin team.
I shuffle back to my room, not waiting to hear anymore confessions. I should never have listened. I should never have danced with my stepbrothers like a harlot. I should have kept myself to myself and dated some perfectly boring but perfectly suitable college dude like any normal girl my age.
All thoughts of Mr. Tatum and his magic mike have been blasted from my head. I slip into bed with a heavy heart and eventually fall into a drink induced sleep.