Hopeless

“We can’t stay here,” he says, pulling up to his house. “Karen might come here looking for you. Let me run in and grab a few things and I’ll be right back.”

He leans across the seat and pulls my face toward his. He kisses me, then gets out of the car. The entire time he’s inside his house, I’m leaning my head against the headrest, staring out the window. There isn’t a single star in the sky to count tonight. Only lightning. It seems fitting for the night I’ve had.

Holder arrives back to the car several minutes later and throws his own bag into the backseat. His mother is standing in the entryway, watching him. He walks back to her and takes her face in his hands, just like he does mine. He says something to her, but I don’t know what he’s saying. She nods and hugs him. He walks back to the car and climbs inside.

“What did you tell her?”

He grabs my hand. “I told her you and your mother got into a fight, so I was taking you to one of your relatives houses in Austin. I told her I’d stay with my dad for a few days and that I’d be back soon.” He looks at me and smiles. “It’s okay, she’s used to me leaving, unfortunately. She’s not worried.”

I turn and look out my window when he pulls out of the driveway, just as the rain begins to slap the windshield. “Are we really going to stay with your dad?”

“We’ll go wherever you want to go. I doubt you want to go to Austin, though.”

I look over at him. “Why wouldn’t I want to go to Austin?”

He purses his lips together and flips on the windshield wipers. He places his hand on my knee and brushes it with his thumb. “That’s where you’re from,” he says quietly.

I look back out the window and sigh. There is so much I don’t know. So much. I press my forehead against the cool glass and close my eyes, allowing the questions I’ve been suppressing all night to re-emerge.

“Is my dad still alive?” I ask.

“Yes, he is.”

“What about my Mom? Did she really die when I was three?”

He clears his throat. “Yes. She died in a car wreck a few months before we moved in next door to you.”

“Does he still live in the same house?”

“Yes.”

“I want to see it. I want to go there.”

He doesn’t immediately respond to this statement. Instead, he slowly inhales a breath and releases it. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

I turn to him. “Why not? I probably belong there more than I do anywhere else. He needs to know I’m okay.”

Holder pulls off to the side of the road and throws the car into park. He turns in his seat and looks at me dead on. “Babe, it’s not a good idea because you just found out about this a few hours ago. It’s a lot to take in before you make any hasty decisions. If your dad sees you and recognizes you, Karen will go to prison. You need to think long and hard about that. Think about the media. Think about the reporters. Believe me, Sky. When you disappeared they camped out on our front lawn for months. The police interviewed me no less than twenty times over a two-month period. Your entire life is about to change, no matter what decision you make. But I want you to make the best decision for yourself. I’ll answer any questions you have. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go in a couple of days. If you want to see your dad, that’s where we’ll go. If you want to go to the police, that’s where we’ll go. If you want to just run away from everything, that’s what we’ll do. But for now, I just want you to let this soak in. This is your life. The rest of your life.”

His words have tightened my chest like a vice. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I don’t know if I’m thinking. He’s thought this through from so many angles and I have no clue what to do. I have no fucking clue.

I swing open the door and step out onto the shoulder of the highway, out into the rain. I pace back and forth, attempting to focus on something in order to hold the hyperventilating at bay. It’s cold and the rain is no longer just falling; it’s pummeling. Huge raindrops are stinging my skin and I can’t keep my eyes open due to the force of them. As soon as Holder rounds the front of the car, I swiftly walk toward him and throw my arms around his neck, burying my face into his already soaked shirt. “I can’t do this!” I yell over the sound of rain pounding the pavement. “I don’t want this to be my life!”

He kisses the top of my head and bends down to talk against my ear. “I don’t want this to be your life, either,” he says. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I let this happen to you.”

He slides a finger under my chin and pulls my gaze up to his. His height is shielding the rain from stinging my eyes, but the drops are sliding down his face, over his lips and down his neck. His hair is soaked and matted to his forehead, so I wipe a strand out of his eyes. He already needs a trim again.

“Let’s not let this be your life tonight,” he says. “Let’s get back in the car and pretend we’re driving away because we want to…not because we need to. We can pretend I’m taking you somewhere amazing…somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. You can snuggle up to me and we can talk about how excited we are and we’ll talk about everything we’ll do when we get there. We can talk about the important stuff later. But tonight…let’s not let this be your life.”

I pull his mouth to mine and I kiss him. I kiss him for always having the perfect thing to say. I kiss him for always being there for me. I kiss him for supporting whatever decision I think I might need to make. I kiss him for being so patient with me while I figure everything out. I kiss him because I can’t think of anything better than climbing back inside that car with him and talking about everything we’ll do when we get to Hawaii.

I separate my mouth from his and somehow, in the midst of the worst day of my life, I find the strength to smile. “Thank you, Holder. So much. I couldn’t do this without you.”

He kisses me softly on the mouth again and smiles back at me. “Yes, babe. You could.”