Hopeless

I sit up.

It was a dream.

It was just a dream.

I can feel my heart beating wildly in every facet of my body. It’s beating so hard I can hear it. I’m panting for breath and covered in sweat.

It was just a dream.

I attempt to convince myself of just that. I want to believe with all my heart that the memory I just had wasn’t a real one. It can’t be.

But it was. I remember it clearly, like it happened yesterday. With every single memory I’ve recalled over the last few days, a new one pops up after it. Things I’ve either been repressing or was just too young to recall are coming back to me full-force. Things I don’t want to remember. Things I wish I never knew.

I throw the covers off of me and reach over to the lamp, flipping the switch. The room fills with light and I scream at the realization that someone else is in my bed. As soon as the scream escapes my mouth, he wakes up and shoots straight up on the bed.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I whisper loudly.

Holder glances at his watch, then rubs his eyes with his palms. When he wakes up enough to respond, he places his hand on my knee. “I couldn’t leave you. I just needed to make sure you were okay.” He puts his hand on my neck, right below my ear, and brushes along my jaw with his thumb. “Your heart,” he says, feeling my pulse beating against his fingertips. “You’re scared.”

Seeing him in my bed, caring for me like he is…I can’t be mad at him. I can’t blame him. Despite the fact that I want to be mad at him, I just can’t. If he wasn’t here right now to comfort me after the realization I just had, I don’t know what I would do. He’s done nothing but place blame on himself for every single thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m beginning to accept the fact that maybe he needs comforting just as much as I do. For that, I allow him to steal another piece of my heart. I grab his hand that’s touching my neck and I squeeze it.

“Holder…I remember.” My voice shakes when I speak and I feel the tears wanting to come out. I swallow and push them back with everything that I have. He scoots closer to me on the bed and turns me to face him completely. He places both of his hands on my face and looks into my eyes.

“What do you remember?”

I shake my head, not wanting to say it. He doesn’t let go of me. He coaxes me with his eyes, nodding his head slightly, assuring me that it’s okay to say it. I whisper as quietly as possible, afraid to say it out loud. “It was Karen in that car. She did it. She’s the one who took me.”

Pain and recognition consume his features and he pulls me to his chest, wrapping his arms around me. “I know, baby,” he says into my hair. “I know.”

I cling to his shirt and hold onto him, wanting to swim in the comfort that his arms provide. I close my eyes, but only for a second. He’s pushing me away as soon as Karen opens the door to my bedroom.

“Sky?”

I spin around on the bed and she’s standing in the doorway, glaring at Holder. She cuts her eyes to me. “Sky? What…what are you doing?” Confusion and disappointment cloud her face.

I snap my gaze back to Holder. “Get me out of here,” I say under my breath. “Please.”

He nods, then walks to my closet. He opens the door as I stand up and grab a pair of jeans from my dresser and pull them on.

“Sky?” Karen says, watching both of us from the doorway. I don’t look at her. I can’t look at her. She takes a few steps into the bedroom just as Holder opens a duffel bag and lays it on the bed.

“Throw some clothes in here, babe. I’ll get what you need out of the bathroom.” His tone of voice is calm and collected, which slightly eases the panic coursing through me. I walk to my closet and begin pulling shirts off of hangers.

“You aren’t going anywhere with him. Are you insane?” Karen’s voice is near panic, but I still don’t look at her. I continue throwing clothes into my bag. I walk to the dresser and pull open the top drawer, taking a handful of socks and underwear. I walk to the bed and Karen cuts me off, placing her hands on my shoulders and forcing me to look at her.

“Sky,” she says, dumbfounded. “What are you doing? What’s wrong with you? You’re not leaving with him.”

Holder walks back into the bedroom with a handful of toiletries and walks directly around Karen, piling them into the bag. “Karen, I suggest you let go of her,” he says as calmly as a threat can possibly sound.

Karen scoffs and spins around to face him. “You are not taking her. If you so much as walk out of this house with her, I’m calling the police.”

Holder doesn’t respond. He looks at me and reaches out for the items in my hands, then turns and places them into the duffel bag, zipping it shut. “You ready, babe?” he says, taking my hand.

I nod.

“This isn’t a joke!” Karen yells. Tears are beginning to roll down her cheeks and she’s frantic, looking back and forth between us. Seeing the pain on her face breaks my heart because she’s my mother and I love her, but I can’t ignore the anger and betrayal I feel over the last thirteen years of my life.

“I’ll call the police,” she yells. “You have no right to take her!”

I reach into Holder’s pocket, then pull out his cell phone and take a step toward Karen. I look directly at her and as calmly as I can, I hold the phone out to her. “Here,” I say. “Call them.”

She looks down at the phone in my hands, then back up to me. “Why are you doing this, Sky?” She’s overcome with tears now.

I grab her hand and shove the phone into it, but she refuses to grasp it. “Call them! Call the police, Mom! Please.” I’m begging now. I’m begging her to call them—to prove me wrong. To prove that she has nothing to hide. To prove that I’m not what she’s hiding. “Please,” I say again, quietly. Everything in my heart and soul wants her to take the phone and call them so I’ll know I’m wrong.

She takes a step back at the same time she sucks in a breath. She begins to shake her head, and I’m almost positive she knows I know, but I don’t stick around to find out. Holder grabs my hand and leads me to the open window. He lets me climb out first, then he climbs out behind me. I hear Karen crying my name, but I don’t stop walking until I reach his car. We both climb inside and he drives away. Away from the only family I’ve ever really known.