Honored (Book 2 of the In Search of Honor series)

The grinding noise started up as the last people filtered in. Behind us the monstrous gates slowly narrowed the pink light of day to a sliver, and with a loud clang the City was shut off from me forever. I would never see that horrid awful fake sky again.

I was free; locked in under the dim lights of the Wall, and I laughed at the absurdity of being free in my last days of being whoever it was that I existed as in that moment of time. We all change. This was simply another change. Much like how I would never be the young Honored girl I once was as a child again, or how I was not the girl who carelessly recruited Reece to a cause based on silly anger.

Or was I? I charged headfirst into things and continued to get people killed. Dan was still sort of himself even as he’d changed so drastically and suddenly. I wasn’t actually about to die like my sister with my head chopped off, blood flowing, coagulating on the stage. Was she laughing at me as she died? Did she feel free there on that stage, or did she curse me for not saving her at the last minute and wish to live in the end?

Did Henry regret helping my childish rebellion? Did he wish before that gunshot was fired that I had never returned, that he never felt drawn to fight, that he was simply at home with his wife and children?

Here I was, terrified of something so simple as becoming a cyborg when I still had my life. I was always selfish, living for myself and my own ideals.

Dan’s hand rested on my shoulder and he whispered in my ear, “Say your goodbyes. It’s time.”

No, I wasn’t living for myself now. I was living for Dan. For this man who decided to live on as a cyborg for me. I would live to protect his life as he protected me.

I carefully maneuvered my chair in the dim light, and touched Duran’s arm, making him jump slightly. “I have some stuff to take care of in the Wall.”

He turned and looked at me, “You’ll be joining us on the exile trek, right?”

I shrugged, but he probably couldn’t see that. “I don’t know. It’s up to the Wall when you leave the Wall and when I leave.”

“AHEM!” A loud voice from above broke the chatter of the people. “Thank you for quieting down quickly. I will be giving you general instructions for what’s happening next, and then you will be assisted by other Wall folk to follow them.”

The voice paused leaving an eerie silence in the packed large area. “To start with, we will be sending you out in groups of 25-30 at a time. The first group will be leaving in two to three days. During the time you are with us in the Wall we will be training you on how to navigate to the village the Outsider is from, giving you a thing called a vaccine that will protect you from sickness, and teaching you some other basic survival skills. Your group will be given to you based on when you entered the Wall, though we will make sure not to split families up. Everything else will be explained to you by the Wall person in charge of your group. Please follow all their instructions. Those who fail to follow instructions will be cast out of the Wall to face the world outside without any food or water.”

The voice stopped and the crowd broke out in a buzz of chatter.

“I guess that sort of answers some stuff about the trek. Since you are our family, we’ll be going with you,” Duran stated firmly as if there was no other option.

I smiled up at him, “I sure hope so. I wish I’d talked to you more and resented you less when we were children.”

He leaned in and hugged me, and then let go. “When I heard you’d been exiled, at first I was angry at you for leaving me to watch over the younger siblings, and then once I got past that I realized I never really knew you. I hope I can get to know you more on our trek, sister.”

Sister. I liked being called that. I gulped. I wanted to know these siblings of mine more. To be closer to them, to be a real family with them.

Jordan moved in next to Duran, and I wanted so badly to hit him, but he wasn’t really at fault for anything.

“I’ll make sure to take care of everyone - ” he started to say.

“Like you took care of my mother?” I interrupted coldly.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I really did try. I want to protect all of you. You are all my children, even you Liv. I’ve done everything to protect your mother, Casia, you, Duran, Emilia, Gabriel, Emett, and Kale. I will continue doing whatever I physically can for this family.” His voice sounded rough, and tired.

This man would probably do more to protect the family than I ever did. All I did was get my father and sister killed. The rage turned into tears, and I cried for my family that I destroyed. For my own wretched selfishness and anger that I laid at the feet of this Dishonored man who didn’t care about honor when it came to protecting his family.

I could probably also put my mother’s death squarely on my own plate.

He leaned in and hugged me, “It’s not your fault.”

“But it is. It is my fault.”

Other arms wrapped around me from behind with the back of the chair between us.

“We are all just struggling and doing our best to live one day after the other. Life is a messy thing Liv. I loved your mother from afar for a long time as her Dishonored servant. When I had the chance to protect her and her and her unborn son, I jumped on it. When she returned my love after her child was born, I rejoiced. I hated myself for being glad that misfortune brought her to me, but at the same time I didn’t care.” His words were gentle and quiet. His own truth of our situation.

And then I realized the other thing he was trying to tell me. “Duran?” I asked, my tears running out.

He nodded, “But I don’t care. He is my child even if he is not my blood, just as you are also my child.” He released me from his embrace. “Remember that Liv, you are my child.”

There was still a person embracing me, and I leaned back slightly feeling Dan’s gentle breathing against the side of my head.

“Do you agree that I am not at fault?” I whispered to him. He would look at everything rationally.

“Fault doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters is continuing forward and doing your best to learn from your mistakes and do better.” Even in his inflectionless cyborg voice, I could hear the old Dan’s ideals leaking through to show he was more than just a man made by the Wall.

I leaned my head against his and wrapped my arms around his. He was right. I couldn’t do anything to save the dead, but I could still save him. It was time to leave, “You are right, as you often are.” I could see Felise talking animatedly with Duran, Rachel playing with Emilia and Gabriel, and Jordan interrupting Felise and Durn to say something to them. “I think I’m done with these goodbyes.”

He let go of me, and stood back up. “Follow me.” He said, and then started moving forward quietly asking people to move. They waved and smiled at me as I passed. “Good to see you, Honored Exile.” I heard as I passed. General excitement at the future seemed to be strong with the people in this crowd. Would it last when they were met with the hard reality of the world outside? Would they love it, and the people, the way I did?

We reached the edge of the crowd and the room, and a small door opened for us to pass through.