Honored (Book 2 of the In Search of Honor series)

“Duran!” I wished I could run forward and embrace my little brother. I’d held such resentment against him and my other siblings, but they were family. I’d held them as children and desperately tried to help my mother in quieting their screaming. I’d seen mother quietly singing to them and holding them close. Her love for all of us was stronger than the lashes of guards.

Since I couldn’t run, I held out my arms toward them hoping to hug the little monsters. “Emilia and Gabriel, I can’t believe how big you’ve grown!” My little siblings, Gabriel who was just one as I was leaving, and Emilia who was 5 when I left.

Gabriel and Emilia both tried to hide behind Duran as he pulled them forward.

“Hi Liv,” Duran quietly greeted me with his apprehension showing in the way he stayed a little back from me. “It’s been a long time. I don’t think Gabriel and Emilia even recognize you.”

My arms fell to my side. “Gabriel. Emilia. It’s me, your big sis.”

Emilia stepped forward a little bit, at about nine years old her head was just around Duran’s chest height. “Sis-ter. The one you told us about?” She tilted her head to look up at Duran.

He nodded, his eyes locked on me. “Yeah, this one is the one who was Exiled for treason, Liv.”

“What happened to the other big sister again?” Emilia asked, her eyes wide eyed as she stared at me.

“The other sister, Casia, left us to become the Queen. The City killed her for her sins.” Duran spoke as if reciting an often asked for script.

Gabriel peeked out from behind Duran’s leg, “Is this sister mean like Emilia?” He asked around the thumb he was currently sucking on.

Emilia turned on her brother with her hand on her hips, “I’m not mean! I ensure your survival!”

“And what of Emett and Kale?” I asked Duran about our 2 other siblings.

He simply shook his head. “Are you going into exile with us in that chair thing you’re in?” He changed the subject.

It was my turn to shake my head, “No, the Wall is going to change me and make me able to walk again. I’ll be a lot like Dan here.” I moved my hand toward Dan behind me and realized I was being impolite. “Dan, these are my siblings. Duran’s the oldest and the other two are Emilia and Gabriel. Family, this is Dan who is originally from outside the Wall.”

All of their eyes grew wide, and Duran’s eyes were drawn to the metal hands. “So you really did bring in an outsider?” He finally asked.

“But those hands aren’t outsider tech!” Felise interrupted. “They’re Wall Tech!” He proudly proclaimed as if they were his own invention that he was showing off.

I wasn’t quite sure how to respond, and Dan put his hand on my shoulder.

“Yes, I originally was an outsider,” his voice calmly stated behind me. “I almost died during the fighting and the Wall people saved me.” His hand tightened on my shoulder for a second, “And next they will help Liv.”

“Do outsiders speak as formally and - well - emotionlessly as you?” Duran asked.

“No. To operate the new parts that were put into my body my brain was interfaced with a computer.” Duran’s eyes glazed over as Dan spoke, incomprehension clear in face. Dan sighed, “The things the Wall put in me gave my brain access to new information that affected my speech patterns. I can speak in the way an outsider would, but why would I want to?”

Duran perked up at the last line, “What does an outsider speak like?”

Dan didn’t answer, and I twisted my head to look up at him and saw he was frowning.

He replied after a moment, “Why d’ya wanna know?”

Duran looked surprised. “What? Is that outside speak? You sound so weird! Is that how everyone outside speaks?”

“Yeah, well, at least da people I knew.” His inflection was a mix between his old way of speaking and the stranger new way he had of speaking.

His older way of speaking was more comfortable to me. I missed his inflection, his enthusiasm, his - his unique voice. That hint of his old pattern of speech squeezed my chest.

A loud grating noise in the distance drew my attention. I tried to see what was going on, but I couldn’t see over the crowd all around me.

“The grand gate to the Wall is opening,” Dan calmly stated, fully back in his cyborg voice.

Everyone around me turned to look at the Wall, craning their necks and standing on tippy toe. Duran lifted Gabriel onto his shoulders to see the gate.

Dan’s hand rested gently on my shoulder and I craned my neck to look up at him. His eyes were fixated on the Wall where the gate was slowly grinding open.

“Are you happy to be going back to the Wall?” I asked.

“Happy,” he repeated the word. “No. Maybe. I feel drawn like it’s reeling me back toward it. I think I am,” he paused, his eyes still staring in the direction of the gate, “relieved. It feels like a thought process that has been running constantly on a thread will soon finish.”

“What?” His cryptic words went over my head.

He looked down at me, and his lips twitched into a very slight smile, “Do not worry, you will understand everything soon.”

“Really?” I spat back at him. His condescending words bubbled in my stomach. Sure I might not understand fancy Wall concepts, but he could at least try to explain without acting like - like - he was better than me. Which he was. The rage bubbled out. He was a Wall person more than the Dan I used to know.

He blinked and tilted his head slightly, “Yes. When you join the ranks of the cyberpeople you will have access to the knowledge base and it will all be easy to understand.” His lips pulled upwards into a facsimile of a true smile, “I’m looking forward to our future.”

I felt bad for snapping at him. It seemed like he was genuinely excited for me to be joining him as a cyber person. I wasn’t quite as certain about my decision being correct.

A thud sounded loudly from the direction of the Wall, and the loud metallic rumbling stopped.

“The gate is open!” Emilia exclaimed in excitement.

The crowd moved forward, and I guided my chair forward as well. Once again I was voluntarily walking toward the end of my life, but sitting still was worse. Sitting still meant I really would die, and I would leave Dan alone in the world of the Wall I dragged him into. Maybe this time I was walking toward a future, and not an ending.

“It’s the Honored Exile,” I heard from the crowd gathered on the sides of the road mixed in among the tearful goodbyes shouted to friends and family as they passed.

People touched fingers across the line of guards separating the crowd leaving from the crowd staying. Some people stopped for long enough for a final hug.

“Good luck be with you, Honored Exile!” A woman yelled as I passed.

I forced myself to smile and wave at her.

Her words felt like a lead weight. I didn’t deserve to be called Honored Exile. What had I done that was Honorable? I destroyed people’s lives. Killed my sister, and Henry, and so many others. I was just an exile. Another Dishonored leaving the City for a future where my crimes didn’t matter anymore. A future where I could forget them. Where I didn’t exist anymore.

I could see the giant gate they’d opened. I didn’t know that much of the Wall could open as a gate. It was at least three stories tall and could probably fit about 20 horses through at a time. At the edge of the giant doors, I could see the smaller gate that I rode through in the past.

The crowd in front of us was absorbed by the darkness in the Wall, and soon it was our turn. Into the darkness we trudged.