Honored (Book 2 of the In Search of Honor series)

A cloud of feather enveloped my body gently holding it floating above the ground, but I wasn’t actually floating, and the blue sky above me wasn’t bright enough to be outside the wall. It was painted, a ceiling in a room, and the feathers were the ground underneath me. I felt the soft covering underneath me with my hand. A feather filled mattress. Where was I?

I vaguely remembered Dan bringing me to a Most Honored estate. Was I an Honored guest? Why would I be here? And this room felt oddly familiar. The room was painted to look like a grass plain outside the Wall with weird ancient wild animals painted in the distance on the walls. My wheelchair sat empty next to the bed. I twisted my head to the other side, and I could see Dan lying far away from me on the other side of the bed. I couldn’t even reach him by stretching my arm out. Who needed a bed this large?

I dragged myself over toward him. He looked so human with his face relaxed in sleep. Or at least he looked human if I didn’t look at the metal frames sticking out of his shoulders that were his new arms.

Was it wrong for me to be watching him sleep like this? I wanted to reach out and brush my hands against his hair. To wake him up and see him smile at me and say good morning to me. To lean my head against him and go back to sleep listening to his heart beat.

But I shouldn’t wake him. I should let him sleep, and probably even the slightest touch would wake him. If I woke him, would he give me that blank stare? Would he get up and start making us get ready for the day?

I let my head fall back against the pillows on the bed. I was closer to him. Close enough that if I reached out I could touch him, but not close enough to wake him, hopefully.

His head turned toward me and his brown eyes opened looking straight at me, “You’re awake”.

“I thought you were asleep.”

“I was. My systems alerted me to a change near me and woke me up.” His eyes looked so dull compared to how they used to look. I didn’t want to see those strange eyes and pushed myself forward to bury my head against his side.

He pulled me close, wrapping his metal arm around me and letting my head lean against his chest.

Thump. Thump. Thump. I could hear his heart beating against his chest, the sound reverberating through my head and calming my thoughts.

“How can you claim to not feel emotion and yet pull me close against you?” I asked.

“You needed me, so I am here for you.” He stated his answer as an undeniable fact.

I did need him. I wanted him next to me to keep pushing forward. But what did that mean for him? Did he secretly detest me for laying against him, but he couldn’t say anything because I needed him?

“Do you hate me,” I asked.

“No.” His answer flooded relief through me, but then he continued, “I do not really feel emotions such as hate or love anymore. In the past I did love you. Now,” he paused, his words left floating over me. “Now I think I care for you. Though hom much of that is my feeling, and how much of that is the programming to protect you I am not sure. It is hard to tell what is programming and what is me.”

His words were stated so calmly, but it was like coals burning my skin. I wrapped the arm I wasn’t lying on around him and hugged him close hoping that he could feel the warmth and care from my attempt at a hug.

He stroked his fingers across my head and through my hair.

Minutes went by with us quietly laying there. I felt like I had to say something to him, but I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell him no matter what that I loved him, but that might push him away from figuring out what he was actually feeling. I wanted to tell him that I would do whatever he needed so he could figure out who, but I was afraid that he would ask me to not be around him then, and I didn’t want that. I was too selfish to let him go if he was even feeling an ounce of “care” toward me. I didn’t want to lose him again.

So we laid there letting time tick by.

He let go of me and pulled away sitting upright. “It’s time for us to get up and get ready for the City meeting.” He looked down at me, “Do you want help getting ready?”

For a moment I wanted to say no. To be strong in at least one aspect, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t strong in any aspect anymore. I was a weak useless human whose only purpose was to live on for Dan.

“Yeah, I guess. I need help getting ready.”

He lifted me up into a sitting position on the bed, and pulled the covers off me. If I became a cyberperson like him, I wouldn’t be weak anymore. I would be able to stand next to him and protect him in return.