Homesick

Ian stood outside the locked door to Sally’s quarters. He held his command key up to the light, turning it over in his hand. He examined the panel it fit into, as if mentally trying it on. He reached for the door chime several times before ringing it.

“Ian?” Sally’s tired voice crackled.

“Captain, I’m coming in. We need to talk.”

“Not now, Ian.”

“No, this can’t wait! I’m coming in on the count of five. You have that long to get dressed if you’re not already!”

With a less-than-steady hand, he plunged the key into the slot and fingered numbers on the emergency bypass panel. The green “pass” message appeared on its display.

“1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5.” Then, giving up his last chance to retreat, he hit the button and the door slid aside.

Sally sat at her console, her eyes still fixed on the displays as Ian marched in. She glanced in his direction with surprisingly little reaction, as if unsure he was actually there. She was technically dressed, but wore only a long sleeping tunic. Ian guarded his gaze politely, trying not to look directly at her. She watched his fumbling with mild amusement.

“Welcome, Sir Merryfield.” She laughed. “I never thought I’d see you storm my gate! Did you come to rape and pillage?”

He walked over to her, beginning to speak several times, but losing his words before he could. He studied her briefly, and he didn’t like what he saw. As he’d feared, her face was pail and she had lost weight. And, though she seemed clean, she had allowed her hair to wander from its normal meticulous shape and her posture looked bent with depression. Her table was also uncharacteristically cluttered, even to the point that the half-burnt candle still remained where it had been those many days before.

But her console concerned him far more. The windows were littered with images of atomic explosions and their aftermaths. Many of the pictures were familiar to Ian from history books and documentaries. Some depicted Japanese civilians with unsightly radiation burns and deformities. Displayed on one of the upper panels was a carefully rendered map of the continent where the Vlad’s bomb was dropped. The familiar heat display was there, but in much greater detail.

“You know, that man is a genius,” she said, as if making casual conversation. “That fusion reactor was only designed to provide backup power for our computer system.” She sipped at a globe of coffee. “It’s not rated much higher than an old-fashioned fuel cell, but he managed to build it into a bomb with a greater yield than Hiroshima.”

“I know. I’m still not sure how he did it.”

“But did you know he made history?” she asked, finally accepting him as a sounding board. “This is it!” She pointed to the map. “We launched the most powerful weapon ever deployed on a populated target, probably the biggest actual detonation in the history of atomic warfare.”

“Captain, Please! Please, don’t do this to yourself! That’s what I came here to talk about.” He stepped nearer to her. “I’m begging you, stop this now.”

She looked at him suspiciously. “Did Dr. Poole send you?”

“No. In fact, I don’t think she’d have approved__”

“Good! That’s the last thing I’d need!”

“Captain . . . Sally . . . This wasn’t your fault. You’ve got to believe that.”

She looked back to her console. “It was. Not directly, but it was.”

“He’s a scoundrel, you know. The man’s a bloody toe rag! He acted outside your authority! You’re not to blame!”

She looked at him, surprised for an instant, and then laughed a strange laugh. “Oh, of course, you don’t know, do you?”

“What?”

“It’s not blame we’re talking about!” She laughed again in genuine amusement. Then she uncrumpled a piece of paper from a trash bag hanging from her console. “You’re going to love this!” She cleared her throat in a mock official gesture. “‘To the Captain of the UNSS Kelthy from the President of the United States of America. We wish you a safe journey home, and the American people join with me in congratulating you on a successful preemptive strike on a hostile and dangerous enemy. Please enjoy every courtesy we can offer you and your crew upon your arrival.’”

Ian snatched the note from her and stared at it, his jaw dropping.

“There are others, too,” she said, punching the trash bag. “Even your Prime Minister congratulated me, though he didn’t talk about throwing me a party. The Russians love me, too now, as well as half the Arab nations. In fact, the only people so far that didn’t agree with this were the Japanese! I guess that’s because they know how it feels!”

Ian was still staring at the paper, shaking his head.

“My God, have we learned nothing from the damned cold war?” Ian could see tears in her eyes, but she blinked them away. “You know, when my mother was young she lived in fear. There were always thousands of missiles pointing at us. It was stupid! We were one computer glitch away from being roasted alive! My parents told me about it. They were afraid they’d never graduate high school, let alone have time to get married.”

Ian nodded.

“Then in the 90′s, when the walls came down, all everyone could think was ‘At last! We made it! We passed the test!’ Mankind proved we could handle the atom! Oh, of course we weren’t perfect! We had the whole war on terror to deal with and loads of dirty bombs to clean up, but at least we weren’t dumb enough to deliberately destroy our own biosphere just to prove Coke was better than Pepsi! I thought that really meant something, and now this!” She punched the waste bag. “You know, Ian, the cold war wasn’t the test. Only a real idiot would poison their own world.” She nodded in the direction of the map. “That was the test.”

“True enough.”

“They can all cheer on Earth now! No fallout to worry about, no genetic defects, no background radiation levels. Hell, they didn’t even have to see the bodies! To them it was a fireworks display. They found a different biosphere to pollute, so why not?” Then she pointed to herself. “And we just sail away!”

Ian frowned.

“You know what they want me to do? They want the gory details! They want me to celebrate!” She laughed again. “Hell, I’ll bet they’ve made plans to give me some kind of medal of honor by now! Of course, what they didn’t say yet is that I’ll eventually be expected to pretend it was my idea!”

Ian looked startled.

“I’m such an idiot! We let them rewrite history when we found the fold. You and I acting alone couldn’t have discovered anything important, now could we? Or at least not without admitting we stole a ship to do it. To keep us from looking like pirates, it had to look official. So, suddenly it becomes an authorized mission by the one person who never would have authorized it. And now I’m that person!”

Ian reached out to her, starting to say something.

“My other choice!” she interrupted. “My other choice is to tell the truth! I can say that I, as Captain of a four-person crew, was asleep at the wheel! That I was so numb that I allowed a junior officer to practically build that thing from scratch and deploy it while I was drinking contraband liquor in my cabin!”

Tears escaped her eyes now. “So there you have it, Ian. I’m either a fake military hero taking the credit for a disgusting act or I’m a lousy leader, way over her head, who was never fit to command this ship in the first place!”

“Now that’s as far as you go! I’ll not hear any more of that!”

Sally stared at him, looking briefly like a scolded child.

“I guess that’s really what I came in here to talk about, Captain. Vlad was a loose cannon before and he’s a murderer now. I don’t care what the world leaders are saying, that man was bang out of order for what he did! Now, it’s up to you if you want to take credit for it, but I can’t see you doing it, can I? He’s a traitor at the very least and a poor crewmember no matter what!”

Sally sighed. “Look, Ian, I know what you’re trying to do, but good captains make good crew members. I know my job.”

“That’s true, but you’ve got to start somewhere!” He sighed and turned around a few times before facing her again. “Look, Sally, just let me tell you what I came to say. Then, if you want, I’ll leave you on your own, fair?”

She looked up in agreement.

“Remember when you decided we were going to rescue Scott?”

She nodded. “I’ll never forget that.”

“Well, I didn’t agree with you! There, I’ve said it! In fact, if I were captain, I’d have packed it in right there and pissed off, all right?”

Sally looked surprised.

“Straight up! Oh, I went with you all right and I did my bit to make sure we got back, but I didn’t think we would! And Vlad sure as hell wouldn’t have gone down even if you’d ordered him to! You know that! Now, I don’t know what Vlad thinks of Scott, but I think the world of him. I just didn’t fancy joining him down there!”

“None of us knew, Ian. The right decision could have been for us not to go. It was a judgment call.”

“Yeah, but if it were my judgment call, Scott would have rotted in that bloody labor camp! He’d be dead by now and you know it!”

“But we could both have been killed,” Sally reminded him. “We got lucky, Ian, that’s true. We can play ‘what if’ games here all day. Of course, I’m not convinced you would have left, by the way. You may have wanted to, but I know you better than __”

“I’m not done!”

She shrugged.

“Down on the planet! Remember when we were just outside the camp but still under cover?”

“Yes.”

“Well, if I were there alone, that’s about as far as I would have gotten!”

“Nonsense,” Sally whispered.

“No, I mean it!” He met her gaze head on. “I was strapped! We didn’t know anything about what we were seeing in there and we didn’t know for sure he was even alive, remember? But there’s one thing I did know for sure! I knew, once we walked into that camp, we’d never walk out again! I was sure about that!”

For an instant there was total silence between them.

“I was scared, Captain! I was terrified all the way down to the ground! And, if it were up to me, I’d most probably have hung about for a bit and then packed it in and got the hell out of there.” He turned away.

“You see, I didn’t know my granddad, but I heard stories. And I’ve seen a lot of people who never quite got over things that happened in war.” He shook his head. “The War on Terror was a long one. I trained under people who’d spent time in Iraq and Afghanistan. I knew some who were captured or kidnapped by those bastards. They had to endure things you wouldn’t think one human being could do to another. Granddad faced the Nazis and he got a real good look at how far down that lift shaft goes. And Hitler wasn’t the only filthy butcher our planet engineered, not by a long shot! Each generation creates a new batch, more cunning than the last! And the first time we set foot on another world, what do we find? More of the same only worse! No, Sally, I had no desire to experience what Granddad went through, or anyone else who’d seen what he’d seen.”

He leaned close to her. “There were just the two of us down there. We were outnumbered and basically unarmed. No military commander would have expected us to do anything but retreat.” He took a long pause, preparing his next words carefully. “And then you got up and marched into the camp!”

“But you followed. There’s no shame __”

“Yes, I followed,” he interrupted her. “You don’t see, do you? I followed you!”

She was silent.

“I didn’t have to be brave on my own! You were in charge! I couldn’t just stand there while you went on, could I? And now Anderson is back with us.”

Sally froze, moved by his words.

“Captain, what I guess I’m saying is I’ve always wanted a command of my own. That’s part of the reason I took the sub-ship. I wanted to be Captain bloody Kirk!” He laughed. “Because of you, though, I’m beginning to understand what being in command really means. And, pardon the term, Sally, but you’ve got balls! I don’t know where you keep them, but you’ve got them! Big ones! And, if Coronov was such a swine he couldn’t come ’round even after all the latitude you showed him, then he never belonged on this mission. Not you!”

There was an awkward silence. Sally stood, not knowing what to say.

“And I knew you suffered! You suffered because you’ve got a heart.” He smiled, blinking back his own tears. “You’re not a slimy low life like Coronov. Please don’t let him take you down with him.”

He paused, mentally checking his list. “I guess I’m done. I’ve said my bit. I’ll go now if you like.” He motioned to the door.

“No,” she said, moving towards him. “I’d like it if you’d stay.”

He smiled, letting his body relax.

“You’re right, we never finished that drink. I don’t have the Cognac anymore, but I could at least offer you a cup of tea . . . if you want to, of course. I have the blend your wife gave us before we left. I still have enough for at least one pot.”

Ian swung out one of the chairs at the table to sit. But then the console caught his eye again. He walked back, looking at the grim scenes with disapproval. He pointed to the images. “Do you mind if I . . .”

“You can get rid of all that. I’m done with it now.”

Ian tapped on the images, leaving squares of darkness until all that remained were the gold menu displays. He turned to see Sally looking at him, as if preparing a speech of her own.

“Ian, I needed what you just gave me. I guess I’m used to giving that stuff out instead of taking it in.” She smiled. “Thank you. And I’m sorry I didn’t invite you in before.”

“Well, you were in a bad way, weren’t you?” he said, waving his hand.

“Maybe. And I had some hard decisions to make. I wasn’t sure I could face anybody until after I’d . . .” She paused, looking away for a moment. “I just don’t want you to have taken it personally. None of this was your fault.”

“I don’t know about that, Captain,”

“Sally,” she reminded him. “We’re in here, remember?”

“Sally,” he corrected himself. “I guess what I mean is you weren’t the only one duped here. I’m the one that didn’t check the power grid. It must have taken him hours to build that thing and I could have caught him clean! Of all things, the bloody power grid! It should have been one of the first things I looked at instead of taking the engines apart!”

“You were doing your job, Ian. You were checking for other types of sabotage.” She took him by the shoulders. “No more blame for either of us, okay?”

He nodded.

Then, as if following a natural impulse to seal the bond they had forged between them, she drew him into her arms.

Ian returned the hug, letting his arms slide easily along her silk tunic. But, when his thumb brushed against her bare shoulders he couldn’t help but notice the feel of her delicate skin. And as her body pressed against his it became obvious that she wore no bra to restrain her full breasts. Her hair brushed against his face, carrying with it her feminine scent. He kept his fingers as still as possible and tried to police his body’s responses.

Sally noticed his reaction and remained quiet for a moment. Then she grasped one of Ian’s ears and caressed it gently with her fingertips. “You know, Ian . . . if you want to . . . If you want to, I’d let you have me,” she said, as if making up her mind at that instant. “We both know it wouldn’t mean the same thing to me, but I’d do the best I could. We aren’t exactly strangers and I would enjoy your company. I know it’s probably been a long time for you.”

Ian considered her unexpected offer for a moment that seemed like an eternity. This was not the first time he’d been drawn to Sally. He’d memorized the feeling of the brief kiss she’d given him before. He’d fought to store such thoughts safely away until this moment, never believing anything could come of them. But now her body beckoned him with a pull that crept into every hidden chamber of his soul. Could he? Would he dare? He felt like a child who’d been offered something he knew was forbidden. But Sally wasn’t out to corrupt him or use him. She was merely offering him a gift. She sensed a need in him and was trying to fill it. To her it was an innocent gesture and he was having great difficulty coming up with a good reason not to accept. But, even then, he knew there was one reason. Under his longing was an image of Angela and their cottage. It was far away across the oceans of darkness now and he knew it would take work to put things right again. But it was perhaps at that moment he recognized the depth and richness of that life far away. He loved Angela. He’d never stopped loving her. And what they had together meant far more than a few hours of pleasure. It was a dream worth keeping. And that was what made up his mind.

With great effort, he gently drew away from Sally, holding her at arm’s length. “I would,” he said with a deep sigh. “Believe me, I would!” He looked her over, but then girded himself up with great mental effort. “I think Dr. Poole may be right. I’ve got some things to work out with Angela and I don’t think this would be a good idea. She and I really don’t have secrets, you know, and I’m not sure I could ever tell . . . well, you know.”

“I understand,” she said, nodding with respect.

“Thank you, though,” he said, taking one last look at her beckoning shape before letting go of her shoulders and stepping back. “But we could still have that tea if you’d like.”

“Fine,” she agreed, grateful for his company. “If you can.” But then she looked down at herself, realizing for the first time the effect she must have been having on him. “Oh dear! I could change if you’d prefer.”

“No,” he said with a dismissive gesture. “I’ll be all right.”

“Angela’s a lucky woman.”

“So’s Jackie,” he added. “In many ways.”

He then tore his gaze from her and pushed himself to her food locker, studying its contents. “Where do you keep that blend?” he asked, trying to find someplace to focus his attention.

“It’s in there somewhere, but we can have anything you’d like. Surprise me.”

“You sure surprised me, I don’t mind telling you!” he said with a playful grin.

They both shared a laugh.