Homesick

Ian stared out the view port of the pilot’s cone at sheer emptiness. The planet had provided an immense amount of reflected light, now absent, leaving only the comparatively dim glow of the instrument displays and the light-panel behind him. The cone itself now appeared to be shrinking into darkness, punctuated only by a few windows of information. Sally had been right about missing the planet when they left it. There was a profound sense of isolation in being the largest object within hundreds of thousands of miles. That was the reality of space travel. It was a lonely business at best.

He consulted the time display on his console. The first ten minutes of his watch had seemed like an hour. His report on fuel consumption was little more than a carbon copy of the one he’d prepared on the previous watch, and he expected all his other tasks to be just as routine and meaningless. The only item of mild interest was the large planet resembling Jupiter. It had the distinction of being the first confirmed image ever seen from New Ontario’s star system, and he and Sally had discovered it. Now, as they approached it, the massive shape with its glistening rings could be seen in breathtaking detail with the telescope. Ian had been tracking it regularly, compiling new images and data each day. He’d collected detailed pictures of each of its weather belts and even topographic maps of two of its largest moons. Ian had been looking forward to this part of their mission and to comparing this new world to Jupiter and Saturn. But now it was little more than busy work, useful only as a means to kill time. The planet was still barely visible in the view port and it would be several more days before it was clear and distinct to the naked eye. Like the fuel consumption report, it was basically changeless in its relative position, deviating only by minor factors that were predictable. Boring. Naturally, compared to what they’d experienced on New Ontario, almost anything would seem dull. And boring was safe. They’d asked for an uneventful trip and they seemed to be getting it. But boring was boring, too. He checked the time again, waiting for the numbers to tick by.

He displayed a picture of his home on one of the empty screens. It was not a very large cottage in Sutton Scotney, and the camera needed to be frightfully close to avoid getting neighboring buildings in the shot, but he took pride in it just the same. He looked at the straw roof, which he had personally re-thatched every couple of years. Not everyone in England cared to maintain a cottage in the traditional way and it was not an easy skill to acquire. But it was earthy work and it helped him find himself when he needed to. He’d resisted the pressure to move to London when he started his career. His dream of living in the country seemed to contradict his career choices in the RAF, but he stubbornly managed to achieve both. This was his dream home and it had been Angela’s, too.

It wouldn’t have worked without Angela. They’d saved for it together and Angela’s being there made it the dream it was. He thought about their last VR transmission and the sterile notes they’d exchanged since then. He wasn’t exactly sure when, but he’d stopped answering her letters. Perhaps it was after the bomb was dropped and the great depression fell over the ship. He couldn’t understand why, but he’d simply run out of words to write to her. He didn’t intend to hurt her, but answering her letters had become even less satisfying than the fuel consumption reports. It had become another chore. Suddenly, maintaining their relationship was a burden he couldn’t bear alone, at least not now. Of course, it was she who’d abandoned him first, wasn’t it?

He looked again at his cottage. Under its artistry and the love Ian put into it, it was still just a small, dirty hut that was expensive to heat, inconvenient to commute from, and always in need of maintenance to avoid looking worse than the others surrounding it. He flicked off the display and rose from the console, ambling down the corridor.

He stopped at Sally’s locked door. The privacy screen covered the window. Hesitating a few moments, he rang the chime.

Instead of the door opening, he heard Sally’s voice crackle from the cheap intercom speaker. “Ian?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“What?” she asked, as if he’d interrupted her.

“I wanted to know what I should do with Vlad’s confession disk,” he said, playing the only excuse he could find for the visit. “He gave it to me this morning and seemed concerned you look it over. He might even want a word with you about it.”

“Leave it on the tray by the command console. I’ll look it over when I get to the cone.”

He paused for a moment, staring at the blank door in front of him. Suddenly all the crewmembers on the ship were isolated behind closed doors. The corridor had never seemed so spacious!

“Captain, I was wondering . . . You know, we never actually finished that drink, and . . . well, the ship’s on automatic anyway . . .”

“Thank you, Ian, but not today.”

“I expect you’re busy, then,” he said, masking his disappointment. “Perhaps tomorrow.”

“We’ll see.”

Reluctantly, Ian proceeded down the corridor to the mess hall. He couldn’t bring himself to go back to his quarters. The room was darker and emptier now than the pilot’s cone. He also knew, one way or another, he’d spend a great deal of time there waiting for his next shift.

The mess hall was just as empty, of course, but it was better lit. He rifled through the locker for something he hadn’t eaten recently, but there was nothing. He knew he could use VR to make the rations look and taste like anything he wanted, but that seemed like a dull game now. Finally, he just took a meal at random and set it on the table. He opened his hand-held while working the seals on the tin. He almost dropped it, however, when Dr. Poole appeared at the opposite end of the table.

“Oh, bligh me!” he said with a frustrated sigh.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Merryfield, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Well, maybe you should knock first or use the door or something, ’stead of popping in and out like bloody Tinkerbell!”

“I can’t use the door, of course, but I’ll try to announce myself better next time.”

“I’d sure thank you to. Anyway, Captain’s in her quarters if you want a word with her.”

“I know, Mr. Merryfield,” she said, taking a seat. “I have the layout of the ship and I know where you all are.”

Ian studied her with mild curiosity and perhaps annoyance. “Well, then I’d offer you one of these things, but I don’t think that’d do you much good.”

“Actually, I came to talk to you, Ian.”

“Go on then,” he said with slightly more interest. “I suppose I could use the company.”

“I agree. You’ve been showing signs of stress and I’d like to recommend you do something about it. You might even want to get some counseling.”

“Oh, I think not,” he said, looking mildly insulted. “’Sides, if I’m stressed, maybe it’ll keep me awake.” He rubbed his eyes.

“Sometimes stress puts you to sleep. Depression is funny that way.”

“As you prefer.”

“Ian, your wife contacted me yesterday. She’s worried about you. She tells me it’s you not returning her messages now.”

“Well, that’s a turn up for the book, isn’t it? She leaves me in the dark for almost a month and now she’s carrying on about me!”

“She was scared, Ian. I’m coming to you because I feel partly responsible. When I told your families about the VR ban, I did it to help them accept it more easily. I suppose I also wanted to help justify it to myself. I’m used to people thinking I’m crying wolf, after all.”

“Well, it’s not like you were the only one, is it? We’re actually rather used to that sort of thing around here.”

“I never wanted this to turn into a witch hunt, Ian. I’ve tried to explain the situation to Angela, and I think if you talk to her now you can probably straighten things out.”

“Who says I want to?”

Pool shrugged. “I’m sorry. I guess I assumed you did.”

“I’ll tell you something. I’ve been accused of a lot of things in my time, some of them true, but I’ve never been called a bloody turncoat! Never! Now, I’ve seen these bastards in action! I was there! I even shot two of them! And you know what’s strange? When I talked to her, I felt just a wee bit guilty about that. Here I had to shoot two living human beings. They’re dead, I’m not, and I didn’t feel like having a jolly-up over it! Does that make me a traitor?”

“Of course not. It makes you a decent person.”

“Well, I was a bloody scared person, too!” Ian stood and paced. “I’d killed two of them and they were coming onboard! And then she’s going on about a victory parade! Well, I’m supposed to be the traitor and it was me up here wondering if it were my turn for the chop!”

“Look, Ian, Angela over-reacted. I’d even say many people might have done the same thing. You can blame me if you’d like.”

“Why?” he asked, surprised. “We’ve been together a long time, Angela and me. You’d think she’d know me by now!”

Pool sighed. “You can take it personally if you want to, but I want you to think about something first.”

“What?”

“Not everybody has a family to go home to. Families are hard to come by, especially in the sort of work you do. If I were you, I’d count myself lucky to have a spouse as devoted and concerned as Angela obviously is. I know I’m an outsider here, but it seems like you two have something good. I’d hope you wouldn’t give it up for a simple misunderstanding.” She shook her head and got up to leave. “But I guess it’s up to you.”

“Wait.” Ian put up his hand.

She turned to him.

“I’m worried about the Captain,” he said more with his lips than his voice, as if it were a secret.

“So am I.”

“You know we go back some ways. I’ve never seen her like this. I mean, she’s doing her job, but that’s all now. She’s gone quiet and I don’t know how well she’s eating. As long as I’ve known her, she’s always been more affable than most. Now I never see her about.”

Poole sat down again, facing him seriously. “Sally needs some time, Ian. She’s been through a lot more than you may understand.”

“More than I may understand? I was there, you know. I saw it, too!”

“No you weren’t! You saw the explosion, yes, but this isn’t your ship.”

“Bloody Hell! What’s that got to do with it?”

“If you have to ask that, you probably don’t understand her very well.”

“But I do! I know it got to her. She wanted to help them is all. That’s her way. She’s a doer! She wanted to do something! I know it busted her up to see that, especially when she couldn’t help. It busted her up to see them on the planet when we were down there before!”

“Yes, but it wasn’t her responsibility before. It is now.”

“But she didn’t do it!”

“Yes she did! Mr. Merryfield, you know very well everything that happens on this ship is Captain Buds’ responsibility. Right or wrong?”

Ian was about to protest, but couldn’t.

“She has to make all the decisions, and that means directing and supervising the work of others. If somebody disobeys her orders, it’s her responsibility to discipline them. If they continue to disobey, she must limit their freedom.” She regarded Ian with a hard stare. “When you took the sub-ship while under Anderson’s command, it wasn’t only your career that was in jeopardy, correct?”

Ian’s eyebrows narrowed. “That was a calculated risk. Sally knew that, too. We both put our careers on the line and, come to that, our very lives.”

“And you ended up making one of the greatest discoveries of all time. Yes, it was a calculated risk and, yes, it did pay off, but it wasn’t really your risk to take. If you hadn’t found anything or hadn’t come back, Scott Anderson would have had to answer some very difficult questions.”

Ian’s jaw tightened and he nodded.

“That’s what command means, Mr. Merryfield. People in command rise and fall based on what other people do or don’t do. What Coronov did isn’t much different than what you did__”

“Now, there I’ll stop you!” Ian raised his hand. “You can’t possibly compare unauthorized use of a sub-ship with genocide!”

“It’s not that simple. And, yes, in a way it is the same. You could say he was trying to defend Earth against a dangerous enemy. You could also say that Earth is safer now as a result. Now, he didn’t have the authority to do it, but he did it anyway. And, like you, history will judge whether or not his actions were right. But, also like you, the person who was actually in command is equally involved. No, Sally’s not claiming to have pushed the button, but somebody under her command did. He was allowed to work against her authority and commit what we would consider to be a gross atrocity.” She turned away, avoiding Ian’s eyes. “Add the fact she’s a woman and you may begin to see the whole picture.”

“Oh, go on!” Ian said with a dismissive gesture.

“I’ll admit it’s easier for a female leader to be accepted now than it used to be, but you’ll probably never know how hard it is for us. We’re still flirted with from time to time and we’re still expected to be soft and forgiving. And, when we have to get tough with somebody, we’re ‘bitchy,’ ‘irritable,’ ‘on the rag,’ or whatever lewd things you men come up with!” She slapped the table. “And what do we do if someone just doesn’t obey? It’s not quite so easy for us to take him out back and beat the crap out of him, now is it?”

She took a deep breath. “Sally’s got a cross to bear. She probably sees this as her failure to stop the man before he did it. You and I know it wasn’t all her fault, but I’ll bet she spends hours imagining where she went wrong.”

“But we both knew Vlad was a loose cannon! If anyone should’ve been wise to him it should have been me! I’d been doing the bloody checks! She was depending on me. I checked every reasonable angle, and a few that weren’t so reasonable, and he still got by me! There’s certainly nothing else she could have done!”

“I know.”

“Vlad was bad news from the start! I don’t mind telling you I’ve wanted to pop him one a few times for the grief he’s brought to this ship even before that! But Captain doesn’t deserve this! She’s no figurehead. She’s learned more about ship operations, navigation, and general space travel in the last year than most pilots I’ve worked with ever knew! She takes her turn in the cone, and I sleep well. What she doesn’t know, she learns. What she can’t learn, she delegates. That’s what command really is, and we wouldn’t have survived this long without her. And you know Scott wouldn’t have, that’s for sure! And all along she’s been straight with us. Ever since I’ve known her, I’ve recognized her for what she is. She’s a natural. She knows how to bring out the best in a bloke, and that includes me!”

He pointed an accusing finger at the door. “That man was bad seed! And, for love of Pete, who could stomach what he did? It’s bang out of order! I mean, maybe I feel a bit safer now with them out of the way, but to actually do it? I almost shot one of them myself when they were up here, but to pull the chain on the whole bloody lot of them? And without Captain’s orders? I can’t take it in!”

Poole regarded Ian with more respect. “You obviously care about Sally, and one day soon she’s going to need to hear what you’ve just said. But right now she’s got to come to terms with this on her own.”

“I guess so.”

“Part of it will be deciding a proper punishment for Coronov,” she said with a troubled look. “We’ve discussed that much at least, and that’ll be a cross to bear, too. But she does have Jackie to help her through this, and right now that’s more than you have.”

She straightened up further. “You’ve been through quite an ordeal yourself, not to mention you’re working extended shifts with nobody to talk to. You need a break from that.”

He nodded with a sigh. “Maybe I do at that.”

“And, frankly, I’m beginning to worry about the stability of this whole mission. No matter how you look at it, half the crew of this ship has been relieved of duty. Sooner or later that’s going to take a toll.”

“Well, don’t worry about us not pulling our weight,” Ian assured her. “Why, Captain’s on more than I am! And she still finds time to look in on Anderson.”

“It’s going to be a long voyage home, Mr. Merryfield, and space travel is anything but routine even today.” She stood. “Now, I’ve told you what you should do. The rest is up to you.”

She started to fade from sight, but stopped as Ian raised his hand.

“One other thing, Doctor.”

“Yes?”

“What is going to happen to Vlad? If you don’t mind my asking, of course. It’s a small ship . . . if you know.”

Dr. Poole stood still for a moment, not quite meeting his eyes. “I do know, but I think you’ll have to wait for the Captain to share that with you. That’s one of the few real privileges of being Captain.”

Ian nodded, resigned.

“And Coronov will have to wait, too,” she added in a tone that betrayed some concern.

And then she vanished.