SWNOVELS Here With Me: Chapter 22
I‘ve never shared that story with someone I cared about. The only other people who know are my therapists and my childhood friend. I haven’t talked to Damien since moving here, but I check in with him every six months so he doesn’t worry about me.
Admitting how badly you screwed up your life isn’t an easy thing to say aloud, especially to someone you’re in love with and who you want to see the best in you.
Noah’s always been the exception. She makes me feel safe to reveal all the bad and ugly parts of myself. She listens and doesn’t pity me. But she’s the one person in this world I can’t have.
Jase will never forgive me if he finds out our secret.
And if I don’t choose my son, I won’t be able to live with myself for screwing up a second time. Jase needs his father more than ever. He needs guidance and a role model, and most importantly, I need to be honest about why I left. I call him every night and attempt to make plans, but he constantly brushes me off.
But I didn’t return to Sugarland Creek to give up that easily.
He needs to trust me again, and he never will if he finds out I’ve been lying to him.
After Noah and I shower, we lie in her bed, and she lets me hold her, knowing what’s to come. We talk about a bit of everything except the giant elephant in the room.
Three hours pass before she shifts and faces me.
“I should go back and make sure everything’s ready for tomorrow. Can we talk more after the fundraiser?”
The sadness in her tone guts me.
I trace her cheekbone, her nose, and run the length of her jawline, imprinting every inch of her face to memory. Nodding, I give her a soft smile. “Yeah. I should go check on Jase.”
Once she walks me to the door, I cup her face and breach her lips with my tongue for a deep kiss.
“Can I ask you one more thing?” she asks as I place my forehead on hers.
I blow out a shaky breath. “Yeah, anythin’.”
“Did you mean what you said earlier about fallin’ in love with me?”
Fuck, she’s not making this easy.
“Yeah, Goldie. Meant every word.”
I walk up the steps to Jase’s apartment and knock. After I drove to the main house, Garrett explained that Gramma Grace cleaned him up, and after they had a chat about respect, he went home.
“What?” Jase answers, looking as defeated as I feel with a nearly empty beer can in his hand.
I wince at his double black eyes and nose bandage. “You cooled down?”
He shrugs, then nods.
“Good. Get your shoes on.”
“Where are we goin’?” he asks with hesitation as if he plans to argue.
“To visit your sister.”
I haven’t been to Lyla’s grave since the day we buried her. I wish I could say I recall every second of that day, but I was too numb to process any of it. The only memory I have is of Mariah crying next to her mom and my parents sitting next to Jase.
My mind blocked out everything outside of that.
“Did your mom ever take you here?” I ask, driving slowly through the cemetery. A shiver runs through my body as I look out at the tombstones. I hate cemeteries.
“Each year on her birthday.” Jase keeps his voice low as he looks out his window.
Once I park and we get out of my truck, I realize I don’t remember where hers is. I never came again after the funeral. I knew being here would remind me of her absence and what happened in the weeks following her death, but there’s no valid excuse for not visiting.
I’m a shit father.
Luckily, I don’t have to ask because Jase takes the lead. The flowers they left for her last time are long dead, and I regret not bringing a fresh bouquet.
“Your mom picked out a nice tombstone.”
Staring down at it, I read it for the first time.
Beloved daughter and sister
Lyla Eleanor Underwood
October 13 2001 – May 3 2013
“Grandma did. Mom couldn’t hold it together long enough to decide.”
“Oh.” I stand with my hands in my pocket, debating how to start this conversation I never planned on having with him. “She’s not the only one who couldn’t.”
“Honestly, I don’t remember much. Only that Mom cried all day every day and you were gone a few weeks later.” His somber tone drives a knife into my heart because once he hears the truth, it could change everything.
“I didn’t wanna leave you, Jase. I wanted to be strong enough, but I was at war with myself.”
He looks over at me, his brows pinched together. “Because they blamed you?”
“I blamed myself, too. The guilt ate me alive. The pain of losin’ her consumed me.” I shake my head, ashamed that it took ten years to have this talk with him. “There’s somethin’ ya should know about why I was gone. I dunno how much it’ll matter now, but you deserve the truth.”
I lower myself to the ground, flattening my palm to the fresh-cut grass and feeling closer to her than I have in years.
“I woulda died if it meant it could save her,” I say, choking up at what I put my childhood friend and my family through. “I tried takin’ my own life even knowin’ it couldn’t bring her back.”
Jase steps closer, but I purposely keep my head down to avoid his gaze.
“When?”
“Three weeks after.” My voice cracks as I swallow down the lump in my throat. “I felt like I couldn’t exist in a world where she didn’t. The pain suffocated me until I couldn’t take it any longer.”
He blows out a sharp breath. “Does Mom know this?”
I look at him watching me. “She does.”
He frowns. “She never told me that.”
“She was tryin’ to protect you while livin’ in her own personal hell. She needed someone to point fingers at, and I willingly accepted it because no matter what anyone told me, it was my fault.”
“How’d you try to kill yourself?”
“You remember my friend Damien?”
“Yeah. He brought me gifts every year on Christmas and my birthday.”
“Oh. He never told me that.” Sounds like him, though.
“Braxton didn’t like him comin’ around. He thought Damien was one of Mom’s triggers. She’d spiral for the next few days after he left. But I liked talkin’ to him, so she let him stay.”
“I only see him about twice a year for the same reason,” I admit.
“What does he have to do with Lyla?” He sits next to me.
If I’m going to come clean, I might as well face both of my children.
“It’s what I asked him to do for me. Do you wanna know the full story? I’ve tried to spare you the details because it’s not somethin’ I’m proud of, but it explains why I was gone. At least for those first two years.”
He pauses briefly before nodding. “Yeah, I wanna know.”
I inhale deeply, preparing my mind and heart for a deep dive into the past after already doing it with Noah. But he deserves to know just as much.
“Lyla’s death felt like the lowest point in my life until three weeks later when I asked Damien to shoot me, and I realized that was my lowest. You and your mom blamed me, and I had nothin’ to live for. I thought death was my only out.”
I explain what happened that day and how I felt when I woke up in the hospital. Jase hangs onto each word, but with his flat expression, I’m not sure how he’s taking it.
“You don’t just get to ask someone to murder you and walk away from that. Especially to a detective.” I shake my head at the irony. “Damien knew I needed help and if I didn’t get it, I’d eventually succeed. The grief and pain gutted me, hollowed me out until I was nothin’ but a shell, which led me to spendin’ two years in a behavioral health facility. I missed you like crazy, but your mom couldn’t forgive me, so we divorced. She didn’t want ya to know where I was, and at the time, I agreed with that. I worried about how you’d take it. Later, I realized it left too much room for interpretation of why I was gone. Not tellin’ you had you believin’ I abandoned you.”
“Yeah, I did. Mom said you decided to travel for work because bein’ at home was a constant reminder of Lyla,” he says. “I remember wonderin’ why you never called or sent a postcard.”
A pang of sadness hits me in full force. Each word of truth that leaves my mouth is accompanied by a dull ache in my chest.
“I had it in my mind that you’d written me off like your mother. She said y’all were better off without me, and I assumed it to be true. I thought not comin’ around was makin’ it easier for y’all to move on. I didn’t wanna be a reminder of what happened.”
“Well, it wasn’t true.” He takes a shuddering breath as if he’s fighting his emotions, too. “I lost a sister and a dad within a month. Practically a mom, too. She was a mess, for years, and it wasn’t until Braxton came into the picture that she was somewhat back to her normal self.” There’s a moment of silence as he turns his focus back onto the ground. “I really needed you.” His voice is low and filled with pain as he rips up pieces of grass.
Though I don’t blame Mariah for how she coped with everything, I wish she’d been honest and not made me feel like Jase didn’t want me either.
“Jase.” I sigh deeply and don’t say another word until he peers at me again. “I have so many regrets. I spent the past eight years between therapy and grief counselin’. Every appointment or group session I went to, I talked about my goals. My number one was findin’ a way back into your life. I knew I had a lot of explainin’ and apologizin’ to do. I’d screwed up, and I needed to find the courage to come back. I’m so sorry I let you down.”
“I remember feelin’ a mix of happiness and anger when you called me last year. Happy because I was overwhelmed to hear your voice. Anger because I realized how easy it woulda been for you to do that ages ago. I wanted to see you and help you get a house, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted a father-son relationship.”
I nod, reaching over and squeezing his shoulder. “I wish I could go back and do things differently. Trust me. I will live with that regret until the day I die. The only excuse I have is that the pain took over. Even once I left the facility, I wasn’t the same man you knew as a child. But I’m here now, and I wanna be in your life if you’ll let me. I’ll go to family therapy with you, or we can find a grief support group. Whatever it takes. And I know ya don’t owe me a goddamn thing, so if you’re not ready, I’ll respect that.”
“It’s not that easy.” He lowers his head. “A part of me worries you’ll leave again.”
I drop my hand and rest it on my knee. “Understandable. But for the record, I’m never leavin’ you again. I’m here because you’re here. If you moved to the coldest place on earth, I’d follow. But please don’t do that because I hate the fuckin’ cold.”
A small smile appears on his clean-cut face. “Noted.”
There’s a moment of silence as we listen to the trees blow in the wind.
“I didn’t blame you, by the way,” he says so quietly I almost don’t hear him.
I tilt my head as another shiver rolls through me. It’s eighty-five degrees, yet my bones are chilled. “What’d ya mean?”
His gaze meets mine. “For Lyla’s death. You said Mom and I blamed you, but I don’t.”
My brows rise. “Oh. I assumed she told you about how Lyla died.”
“All she said was that Lyla fell from a cliff and you didn’t catch her in time. Then she said it was your fault she was out there in the first place. I didn’t get the full story until Damien told me after I’d just turned sixteen.”
I wince as my entire body shudders. Licking my dry lips, I lower my eyes to her tombstone. “What’d Damien say?”
Jase repeats the exact events of that day. Everything I told Noah, he also knew, and all this time, I had no idea.
“He also told me he didn’t believe you were at fault,” he adds. “And I don’t either.”
I lift my head and meet his stare. “You don’t?”
“It sounds like it was a very tragic accident. But no one’s to blame. Lyla couldn’t be stopped. I remember how adventurous she was.” He smiles as he looks up at the sky. “Always beggin’ me to climb with her up the hills or bike down them. She had a thirst for that rush. Somethin’ we didn’t share, but I admired her for it.”
Tears well in my eyes for the second time today. “You have no idea how it feels to hear you say that.” I rub a palm over my eyes and nod. “And yeah, she was an adrenaline junkie like me. Didn’t care how dangerous somethin’ was because it just made her wanna do it more.”
Jase looks back at me, his eyes narrowed. “Dad, I don’t blame you for what happened to Lyla. I blame you for leavin’ when I needed you. Years of wonderin’ why I wasn’t enough for you to stick around. It had me wonderin’ if I’d been fun like Lyla, or outgoin’ like her, then maybe ya woulda stayed.” His voice cracks, and I lean over to pull him in for a hug. Tears shed down both our cheeks as we stay like this for a few minutes.
“I’m so sorry, Jase. I can’t express how much. You needed me, and I let you down.”
“I wanna trust you again,” he admits, “but a part of me is still angry with you.”
“I know.” I nod, releasing my hold on him. “I want us to work through this so we can have a strong, healthy, trustworthy relationship. It’s the only reason I’m here. You’re my priority. I never wanna hurt you again by not being the father you need.”
The guilt of falling for Noah eats at me because I know what I have to do in order to keep my promise. It’ll hurt like hell, and she’s going to hate me, but I must choose my son this time instead of taking the selfish route. When life got hard, I wanted to die, which meant leaving him behind. But then I didn’t, and I still left.
If he has feelings for Noah, he’ll never accept that I do, too.
He needs me now more than ever. I have to give him time to heal and for us to rebuild our relationship. If he finds out I lied to him and secretly dated his ex, he won’t forgive me a second time.
“Do you remember when Lyla packed up her little Barbie backpack and said she was runnin’ away on her bike?” Jase asks with a laugh as he stares down at her stone.
“Oh yeah. She made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then grabbed a bag of Doritos and two juice boxes.” I chuckle at the memory. “Your mom told us to go along with it, so we made sure she packed the right clothes, tied on her shoes, and I put air in her tires.”
“She was weirdly smart at nine. And sassy.” Jase smirks. “Why’d she wanna run away again?”
I brush a hand through my hair as I recall that day. “She wanted a puppy and decided she was gonna find a new family who’d let her have as many dogs as she wanted.”
“That’s right.”
“She hopped on her bike and made it to the Muellers. They had a St. Bernard who chased her around their yard and eventually wore her out. After she fell asleep on their couch, Mom and I drove over and brought her home. As I was tuckin’ her in, she asked if we could get a dog like theirs.”
“And then we got one four months later.”
We both laugh because Lyla was nothing if not persistent about what she wanted.
“Didn’t she name it Tiny?” I ask.
“Yep, Tiny the St. Bernard.”
I smile because more memories of Lyla flood in that I’ve blocked out for years. They were too painful to remember, but I like having them now.
“He passed away a few months after you left,” Jase admits. “Vet said it was a rare heart condition. Mom said he died of a broken heart because he missed Lyla just as much as we did.”
I shake my head. “I’m so sorry.”
Jase nods as if he’s too choked up to speak.
When the wind picks up, we decide to leave, but then I ask Jase to give me a moment alone. He goes to my truck, and I stand in front of her stone, apologizing over and over for not coming sooner.
“I will always wish it were me and not you who died that day. We’ll be reunited someday, and when that time comes, I will catch you and never let go. Rest in peace, baby girl.”
As I walk away, I let the tears fall freely even though I hate it. I’ve done my best to leave my guard up, but with Noah cracking it and Jase and I coming here, it was bound to fall.
When I get in the truck, I immediately start it and roll down the windows.
“Is it stupid to think I can have a normal happy family of my own? A wife and some kids, maybe even a dog or two,” Jase asks, looking outside as we drive out of the cemetery.
“No, not at all. You deserve to find someone who makes ya happy. Findin’ that person you can spend the rest of your life with is a beautiful thing. And bein’ a father is the greatest feelin’ in the world. Holdin’ you and Lyla as babies made me so proud. I know it might be hard to believe after what I did, but you two were my greatest achievements and biggest blessings.”
“I reckon I really screwed up with Noah,” he mutters.
My heart thuds at the sound of her name coming out of his mouth. We need to talk about her and what he’d done, but our heart-to-heart had to come first, which is why I brought him out here in the first place.
I clear my throat. “You wanna talk about it now?”
“I’ve never talked to her like that before. I know I overreacted, yet my temper got outta hand. She’s never gonna forgive me.”
“She might. What triggered this?”
“It’s stupid.” He shrugs, but I prompt him to tell me anyway. “Craig Sanders says he saw her makin’ out with someone in her truck at Twisted Bull the night we went to Lilian’s Restaurant. I guess it had me upset because I always thought we’d get back together. When I could prove I was the right guy for her, she’d see that we’re a good fit. Decent job and new house. The next step is startin’ a family. When she rejected me, I dunno what happened. I just saw red. The thought of her with another guy is somethin’ I haven’t had to worry about…until now, I guess.”
My back goes ramrod straight, waiting to see if he asks me what I think he will.
Does he know we rode together in her truck? Or does he assume we drove separately?
“You were there with her brothers, right? Did you see her with anyone? When she turned me down, I asked who she was datin’, but she wouldn’t say.”
“Um…yeah, there was one guy she was dancin’ with.” It’s not a lie, but I still feel like fucking shit anyway. “Well, she and Magnolia. They were out there for a while.”
“I shoulda known she’d find someone better.”
Jase feeling down about himself is linked to his lack of confidence. Another thing I should’ve taught him.
“You still love her, then?” I tread lightly, hoping I’m not making myself obvious as hell.
He shrugs, and my throat goes dry.
“I thought maybe I did, but then after talkin’ to Gramma Grace, she kinda helped me realize I was in love with the idea of her. Having a partner, wife, someone to come home to. I love her as a person, I know that much, but as far as datin’, I’m not sure.”
I blink a few times, confused if I should be relieved or not.
“Does that make sense?”
“Definitely.”
Not.
But I don’t want to give him any room to find out the truth. Not about this.
It’ll be a betrayal we can’t come back from.
“You need to apologize,” I tell him. “To her brothers, too.”
“They kicked my ass! I’m not sayin’ shit to them.”
I shoot him a pointed glare. “You put them in a position to protect their little sister.”
“They coulda minded their own business. Noah can take care of herself.” He nods to his groin, and I snort.
A warmth of pride fills me knowing that’s true.
“I took a hit for you, too,” I remind him, smirking.
A small smile curls over his lips. “Shouldn’t have tried to protect me.”
“Jase…” I say lowly. “I’ll always protect you now.”
Even if that means protecting him from a truth that’d hurt him.
“You wanna come in for a beer?” he asks when I park in front of his apartment.
I throw my truck into park. “Yeah, I’d love to. But I can’t stay too long since I’m judgin’ tomorrow.”
“My boss is pissed I didn’t get the booth set up. He sent someone else, but I know I won’t be welcome to go now.”
I follow him to his door. “Give it a few days, then apologize and smooth things over. Noah seems like the forgivin’ type.”
At least that’s my hope.
“She is. Her brothers already hate me, so I’ll never win them over.”
“I don’t see why not. Y’all are rowdy and like throwin’ punches.”
He scoffs, unlocking the door and going inside. “I reckon we need more than violence in common to stand each other. Don’t exactly wanna have to dodge their fists every time I’m around.”
I crack up and nod in agreement as he leads me to the kitchen, then hands me a can from the fridge. “Sounds like every other twentysomething hotheaded boy I’ve met. Hell, I was one, too. Y’all will eventually grow out of it and make better choices.” I pop open the top. “Startin’ with this cheap-ass beer.”
“Hey, I have a mortgage and bills now. Gotta be responsible and all that shit.”
Setting down my can, I take a few steps and pull Jase into my arms. I haven’t hugged him like this since he was twelve years old, and although he’s a twenty-four-year-old man now, he’ll always be a kid to me. A boy who needs his dad, no matter his age.
At first, I worry I’ve crossed a line, but then he shifts and wraps his arms around me, too.
And it’s the best feeling in the world.
I can do this. I can be here for him while we work through the abandonment issues and surrounding grief. We can get to know each other again, and hopefully, one day, the pain I’ve caused will subside.
“I love you, Jase. I know I have a lot of makin’ up to do, but I’m all in if you’ll let me.”
When I release my hold on him, Jase’s eyes are bloodshot.
“I’d really like that, Dad.”
It’s the first time he’s called me Dad with admiration in his voice.
“We’ve got some catchin’ up to do.” I smile and lean against the kitchen counter.
“What do ya wanna know first?”
“How about your first time drivin’?”
The corner of his lips tilts up, and he laughs. “Goin’ right for the good stuff, eh?”
By the time I leave four hours later, my face hurts from smiling so hard. Jase and I needed this more than I wanted to admit, but it finally feels like we’re making progress.