SWNOVELS Here With Me: Chapter 21
My heart was full after spending time with my family and Fisher on Sunday evening. It provided me with a glimpse of how things could be when we go public. Learning about my grandparents’ history—where they met and how their lives turned out—gives me hope that someday we’ll get our happily ever after, too.
After Fisher left, I stayed and helped clean up. He texted that he had to go home since he works early, and although I understood, I missed him.
Five days have passed, and he’s spent all his free time helping me with the fundraiser. He’s assisted with checking off most of my checklist. Although I’m putting my brothers to work too, Fisher’s done more than all of them combined.
“That man sure knows how to work up a sweat,” Magnolia whispers next to me as we watch him lead horses into the trailer so we can move them to the family barn.
I put Landen and Tripp in charge, but they conned Fisher into helping by offering him free beer.
He’s not that desperate for alcohol, so I know he’s only doing it for me.
We both tilt our heads as we admire his flexed arms and sculpted body.
“Could y’all be any more obvious?” Wilder sneaks up behind us, and I jump at getting caught gawking at Fisher.
“That was rude!” Magnolia smacks his arm.
“Be useful or go away,” I snap.
Wilder teases Magnolia by tickling her sides, and soon, she’s chasing him out of the barn. I shake my head at how he treats her like an annoying little sister, but at least he doesn’t just pick on me.
Mallory and Serena walk in and head straight for Miss Swift’s stall.
“Whatcha doin’?” I ask, stopping them.
Mallory lifts a baggie of veggies. “We brought her some carrots and celery.”
“Lucky horse.” I smile.
“I’m so excited about tomorrow!” Serena squeals.
“Me too!” Mallory grins.
“Noah, when can we have another sleepover?” Serena asks. “It’s been like a month.”
Every few weekends, we have a girls’ night at my house. We’ll stay up watching age-appropriate rom-coms and bingeing junk food. It’s a tradition I enjoy having with them.
I wrap my arms around them. “Soon, I promise. Once I get through this fundraiser and some trainin’ stuff, life will slow down a bit. Maybe after Ayden and Laney’s weddin’, we’ll throw a huge slumber party!”
“Yay!” they squeal.
Fisher and I only hung out a couple of times this week when he snuck over after work, but otherwise, we’ve been too busy and exhausted by nighttime. During the day, we steal glances and short-lived moments in the tack room, but it’s not enough.
I want him to myself for a whole weekend.
“Ex-boyfriend alert,” Magnolia mutters in my ear as she approaches from behind. “Better quit lookin’ at Daddy Fisher’s ass.”
Rolling my eyes, I spin around and see Jase looking out of place in a snazzy suit and tie.
“Hey, there she is!” He removes his sunglasses and wraps me in an unwanted hug.
“Hi, what’re ya doin’ here?” I step back, putting distance between us.
He’s texted every day this week, but I’ve yet to respond. After the way he treated me, I had no desire to talk to him.
“My boss asked me to set up our booth, and you didn’t respond to any of my messages, so I wanted to see you.”
What does he expect when he acts like a possessive dickhead?
I force a smile and brush loose strands off my face. “I’ve been busy. I told you that.”
“Doesn’t mean you can’t spare a few minutes, Noah.” He pins me with a stare.
I shove my hands in my pockets to keep myself from punching his arrogant face. “Do ya need help findin’ the booths?”
We rented a huge white tent that’s set up next to the training center, so it’d be impossible to miss, and each table has the companies’ names. But the sooner he sets up and leaves, the better.
“Sure. I wanna talk to ya ’bout somethin’.”
I grind my teeth, wishing I hadn’t made the offer.
“Okay.”
I find Magnolia’s gaze, and she makes a gagging motion.
“Well, let’s go.” He grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers, then leads us down the center aisle.
As I glance over my shoulder, Magnolia shakes her head.
“Help me,” I mouth.
Before I can see her reaction, Jase pulls me closer as we walk outside. I don’t want to be rude or make him suspicious, but he’s never this touchy-feely. He hasn’t held my hand since we dated.
“Noah,” he says, grabbing my attention when we stop in front of the white tent. “I wanna apologize for my behavior at the restaurant and for the way I spoke to you in our last text convo.”
My brows shoot up since he’s never said sorry to me before. Jase was never the remorseful type.
“I’m tryin’ to make a name for myself in real estate, and I let the pressure get to me. I took my stress out on you, and that was wrong.” He sandwiches my hand between his palms, looking sincere as he stares into my eyes. “I hope you know how much I value our friendship and everythin’ we’ve been through. I’ve grown up a lot and didn’t always treat ya right. For that, I’m sorry.”
I swallow hard as my heart races, and I remove my hand from his sweaty grip. Something feels off with him.
“Wow. Um, thank you? I don’t really know what to say. I’m glad we can be friends, too, Jase.”
“With my dad returin’, it’s made me think about the importance of family. He and I have a long way to go, but you’ve never betrayed me. You’re the only one I can see myself growin’ old and buildin’ a future with. You’re beautiful, genuine, and wear your heart on your sleeve. And I know if I don’t say somethin’ now, I could lose you to someone else. No guy would ever be good enough for you, and I’m not sayin’ I’d be perfect, but I’d work every day to be the man you deserve.”
Usually, I’m good at deflecting and moving an awkward conversation elsewhere, but I’m one hundred percent unprepared for Jase to tell me he wants me back.
“So…what do ya think, Noah? Wanna give us another chance? I’m financially stable now. I just bought a house. I can give ya everythin’ you want and more.”
I wince at his little speech as my throat tightens, and I fumble for words that won’t offend him. “Jase…um…where is this comin’ from? We’ve never talked about gettin’ back together in the two years since we broke up. I’m a little taken off guard here.” I step back to create distance between us.
He nods and attempts to pull me closer, but I don’t allow it. “I know, but I’ve been thinkin’ about you nonstop. We were happy together. My immaturity and emotional issues are why our relationship ended. I needed to grow up and make somethin’ of myself before committin’ to someone. And I’m ready to do that now with you.”
“Why me?”
“You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. Dating’s been a nightmare, and after several failed attempts, I realized there was a reason for that. It’s because we’re supposed to be together. You’re my soulmate.”
Soulmate? What the hell is he talking about?
“That is very sweet, Jase. Those are words most women dream about hearin’. I-It’s just, I’m afraid I’m not the right one for them.”
“I don’t understand.” His voice goes deeper as his nostrils flare. “Is there someone else? How can you just throw away years of history?”
“You’re puttin’ a lot on me right now, Jase. I wasn’t expectin’ any of this. You gave me no signs you wanted us to get back together.”
He grips my upper arm, slamming me into his chest. “Baby, we’re meant to be. Just give me a second chance to prove it.”
I push against him, but he squeezes harder. “You’re hurtin’ me.”
“Say you’re mine, and I’ll let ya go.”
“I’m not sayin’ that.” I slide my boot between his feet in preparation. One lift of my leg and my knee will greet his balls.
“There’s someone else, ain’t there?” he grinds out, his tone low and threatening.
“It doesn’t matter! I’m not interested in gettin’ back together,” I say firmly, jerking away.
I wince when he grips my other arm, nearly shaking me.
“Who the fuck is he? Someone you met at Twisted Bull? Or someone who works at the retreat? Which loser is it?” He looks around as if he expects my mystery man to pop up, which, if Fisher witnesses his son manhandling me, could be a reality.
“Let me go!” I shout.
“Who’re ya fuckin’, you little whore? Let me fight him and see who really deserves you.” He shoves his face in my neck and slides his tongue under my ear.
I don’t give him any warning—not that he’d deserve one—before I drive my knee straight up between his legs. He releases me instantly as he falls to the ground, muttering curse words as he palms his junk.
“You fuckin’ slut! What the fuck?” he squeaks out.
My heart threatens to beat out of my chest as I lean down and try to control my breathing. “I told you to let me go. You should know better than to touch me when I ask you not to.”
“Goddamn psycho,” he whispers, barely getting the words out.
I shrug. “Don’t touch women who don’t wanna be touched, and I wouldn’t have had to nail ya.”
Magnolia rushes over, taking my arm and pulling me back. “What the hell happened?”
“Jase learned a lesson the hard way.” I’m still seething when my brothers and Fisher come over.
“Jase!” Fisher helps him to his feet, but Jase bends over his knees, still trying to catch his breath.
“Let him go, Fisher. He’s our problem now.” Wilder steps between me and him, cracking his knuckles.
“I’ll take care of it,” Fisher tells my brothers, then pats Jase’s shoulder. “C’mon, I’ll drive ya home.”
“Get off me.” Jase shakes off Fisher, and I see the hurt in his eyes as soon as he does.
“You wanna fight with the big boys, huh?” Wilder taunts, rolling up his sleeves.
“Wilder, knock it off!” I step around him to face Jase. “Walk away. Before you give my brothers a reason to hit you. Now.”
Instead of heeding my warning, he slams me back into Wilder, making me bounce off his chest.
“You’re fuckin’ dead!” Landen takes the first swing, sending Jase to the ground.
“No, stop it!” I shout, but it’s too late.
Tripp kicks Jase’s knee when he tries to stand.
Wilder throws an uppercut to his face, and Jase stumbles backward. Blood gushes from his nose, but it still isn’t enough to stop him.
“Fuckin’ sissy,” Jase spits.
Waylon fists his shirt and headbutts him.
Fisher tries pulling them off as I scream for them to stop. Magnolia does her best to intervene, but when my brothers get to this level of anger, they are unstoppable.
In the middle of Fisher trying to protect Jase, Landen throws a punch and hits Fisher in the nose instead.
“Oh my God, stop it! You’re gonna kill him!” I yank their shirts from behind, hoping to snap them out of their rage.
It’s not until blasting cold water sprays full speed at everyone do they scramble like a bunch of birds.
“The fuck?” Wilder snaps, wiping water off his face.
My dad rushes behind Magnolia, taking the hose from her and turning off the nozzle. “Get on, boys. Now.”
My brothers mutter curse words as they scatter. I kneel next to Jase as he holds his hands to his face, blood running down his wrists and arms. “Jesus. Are you okay?”
Fisher comes beside him, an expression I’ve never seen on his face before. His nose is bloody, too. I wish I could reach out and make sure he’s okay.
“You need to go to the hospital. I’ll take you,” Fisher tells him.
“Fuck you.” Jase spits more blood, leaning to his side as he tries to lift himself.
“Jase!” I scold since Fisher has done nothing to warrant his attitude. He should be thanking him for trying to stop my brothers. “Stop bein’ an asshole and get checked out.”
My dad approaches, lifting Jase by his shirt as if he weighs nothing. Jase groans in pain.
“You’re comin’ with me.” Then he looks at Fisher. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna hurt him. Gramma Grace will get him cleaned up, and then we’re gonna have a chat about touchin’ my daughter.”
Fisher looks lost, unsure if he should step in or let Jase deal with his own consequences.
“Dad, please don’t be rough.”
“He already got his punishment, but now he’s gonna get a man-to-man talkin’-to,” he says in a deep, rugged voice and gives Jase a little shake.
Looking defeated, Fisher nods as if he’s giving him permission.
I see the regret written over his expression as if he knows he should have been the one to raise him properly. Jase has a history of running his mouth and acting overconfident, but he’s never lashed out this badly. I could always talk him down to be reasonable, but this time, it was like he wanted to give them a reason to hurt him. I can’t figure out why he’d want that, but we’ll discuss it later.
Turning to Magnolia, she looks between Fisher and me.
I wrap my arms around her. “Thanks.”
“Not the first time I’ve had to hose your brothers. Won’t be the last.”
I scoff. “Unfortunately.”
“I’ll leave y’all alone now. Might wanna get him cleaned up.” She lifts her chin toward Fisher, and I nod.
“Good idea. Meet me at my house,” I tell him, giving him no room to argue as I walk to my truck. My brothers can spend the afternoon finishing the rest of the chores.
“You sure it’s okay for me to be here?” Fisher asks for the third time while standing in my bathroom.
“No one’s payin’ attention to our locations right now.” Carefully, I pull off his shirt, then unbutton his jeans. “Plus, you need to wash off this blood.”
I turn on the shower and strip off my clothes while waiting for it to get hot. Memories of us here just days ago still live rent-free in my head. But that’s not what this time is about. Fisher’s dealing with a lot more than I realized when it comes to Jase.
There’s no way Jase will maturely handle the truth about his dad and me.
Fisher takes my hand and joins me under the stream as I step in. We silently wash each other, slowly moving the soap over limbs and intimate body parts.
“Talk to me,” I say, breaking the silence.
“I dunno who my own kid is, and that’s my fault. He’s lashin’ out, and there’s nothin’ I can do about it.”
I rub my palm across his damp chest, feeling his racing heart as mine aches for him.
“Jase has always been quick to react without thinkin’. That’s not your fault. He’s never gotten along with my brothers, but he’s never been physical like that before. I’m not sure where that came from.”
“Desperation,” he responds. “The thought of losin’ you made him snap.”
“You overheard?”
“I could read the situation pretty quickly.”
“It was unexpected. I had no idea he wanted to get back together. But even if I were single, I wouldn’t be interested. I tried turnin’ him down as nicely as I could, but then everythin’ just escalated so fast.”
“He said somethin’ that shoulda clued me in, but I was hopin’ I was wrong.”
I narrow my eyes. “What do ya mean?”
“He mentioned somethin’ about gettin’ a second chance at love and wantin’ to do it right this time around. When he was givin’ me the walk-through of his house, he talked about startin’ a family and makin’ memories of his own. I didn’t ask him to elaborate because I thought he was implying how he didn’t get those family memories growin’ up. Assumed he was statin’ he wanted to have them with his own wife and kids.”
“Maybe you bein’ here is bringin’ some of those painful memories back up, and instead of talkin’ with you, he’s actin’ out.” I shrug. “Either way, it doesn’t excuse his behavior today.”
He frowns. “You’re right, it doesn’t.”
“Do you mind if I ask you somethin’ about Lyla?”
He brushes wet strands of hair off my cheek and slowly rubs his thumb over my jawline. “Go ahead.”
“You said somethin’ Sunday night that I’ve been wonderin’ about. Jase made it sound like you disappeared within weeks of her death. You mentioned how you traveled for about eight years. But if she passed a decade ago, where were you for those two years?”
His throat shifts as he swallows hard, and I worry I’ve hit a nerve he won’t be comfortable talking about.
“In a behavioral health facility,” he finally says. “Jase doesn’t know that.”
“Oh…” I blink. “Why not?”
“I didn’t want him to know what I’d done or tried to do. If he knew where I was, he’d ask why, and then I’d have to lie. I didn’t want him to know the truth.”
I tilt my head as I hear the brokenness in his voice. “Why were you in there?”
He drops his gaze as he works his jaw. “I was suicidal, Noah. Three weeks after we buried my daughter, I asked my friend to kill me.”
My heart hammers as I soak in his confession and try to form the right words to say in return.
“I was in so much pain. I couldn’t see the other side and just wanted to die.”
“You’re still here, so I’m assumin’ he wouldn’t do it.”
“Oh, he shot me. Just not where I asked him to.”
My eyes widen. “Where?”
“Shoulder.” He moves his fingers to his left arm and shows me the small scar. “They removed it in surgery. Imagine my disappointment when I woke up in a hospital.”
“Jase doesn’t know any of this?”
“No. I didn’t want him to think I wasn’t strong enough to stay and be his dad. It was the lowest point of my life and one I didn’t wanna explain to a twelve-year-old. Mariah told him I was travelin’ for work instead.”
“What about when he got older? It might’ve helped him understand what you’d gone through and why you were distant.”
“That doesn’t matter when you’re a parent. You don’t leave your kids, period. It’s unforgivable. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I didn’t want him knowin’ I chose dyin’ over bein’ his father.”
“Grief isn’t black and white, Fisher. There’s that gray area, that place where we become so lost we forget about everythin’ and everyone. We become so consumed with our pain it blinds us from seein’ the sufferin’ in those who were also left behind. I’m sure he experienced it, too, with losin’ his sister.”
“I can’t explain why I chose to leave him when he was in pain, too.”
“You woulda had to have been in unfathomable amounts of pain to reach that level. Give him a little credit. I think he could understand that now at his age.”
“It wasn’t just the pain. It was the guilt, too.”
“She died in a hikin’ accident, right?”
“I tried to catch her…” His voice breaks. “It happened so goddamn fast.”
Tears break through the dam as I watch him struggle to speak. The burning sensation going down my throat has me choking.
“Her foot slipped as she reached for the next marker. She tumbled down, screamin’ as she tried to grab ahold of somethin’. I was inches from catchin’ her, but my foot stubbed on a big rock, and her body landed in front of me.”
My God.
My voice catches in my throat as more tears roll down my cheeks.
“Her neck broke on impact.”
I shake my head, wiping my face. The imagery is too much to bear. I can’t respond.
“I carried her body for two miles, and when I got to my truck, I contemplated drivin’ off the cliff so I could die, too. The pain was immediate and unbearable. But I knew Mariah deserved to bury her daughter, so I drove to the ER. I couldn’t tell her over the phone, so I asked the sheriff to bring them to the hospital. She pounded her fists against my chest as I held her, shoutin’ over and over how it was my fault her baby was gone. Jase watched as his mother broke down, and they both blamed me.”
I cup his cheek, silently offering the reassurance he needs as he blows out a shaky breath. His gaze falls to our feet, and he clears his throat as if he’s trying to hold back his emotions.
“My parents cut me out of their lives when I decided to make bull riding my career, so havin’ close relationships with my kids was a priority. She and Jase weren’t adventurous, so Lyla and me always took the day trips. I was responsible for her and blamed myself, too. I shoulda been closer or not let her go so high, but Lyla liked pushing the boundaries even when I warned her. She liked bein’ brave and tryin’ new things. Mariah clung to the idea that if I hadn’t encouraged Lyla so much, she wouldn’t have wanted to impress me by going so high. Deep down, I knew Mariah was hurtin’ as much as me and needed to point the blame at someone.”
I can’t even imagine being in either of their shoes. Losing my aunt and uncle a couple of years ago rocked our family hard enough as it was. I couldn’t fathom losing a sibling or watching my parents suffer at that level.
“I couldn’t sleep, eat, or work. I don’t even know what happened during those three weeks after her funeral. I was numb and just goin’ through the motions of breathing and reliving the memory each time I closed my eyes. Jase had just lost his sister, and his parents couldn’t even function to ensure his needs were met.”
“I’m so sorry y’all had to go through that. No parent should have to bury their child.” I take his hand and intertwine our fingers. I wish I could say the right thing to take away his pain, but nothing could ever remove the ache and guilt he’s felt for the past ten years.
“The only thought I had on repeat was to end my life. I never thought about dyin’ before her accident, but I couldn’t live in a world where Lyla didn’t exist. Mariah couldn’t look at me. Jase was distant from what he believed to be true. I wanted to end my sufferin’ along with theirs. It was a selfish move, but I didn’t care at the time.”
“That’s when you asked your friend to shoot you,” I whisper.
He nods, squeezing my hand. “I wanted my family to at least get my life insurance. Damien was a detective, so I knew he could make it look like a robbery gone wrong or somethin’.”
I blow out a breath. “Thank God he didn’t listen.”
“After I woke up, I’d gone back and forth on whether I hated him or was grateful he gave me a second chance.”
“And after your shoulder healed, you went into a facility?”
“Yeah, he made me. He promised he’d keep the truth between us only if I’d comply in gettin’ help.”
“Did it work?”
“Yes and no. I spent two years goin’ to therapy and grief counselin’, but the pain never goes away. It simmers while the grief holds me hostage, and even when I try to remind myself it’s okay to move on, the guilt pulls me back. After ten years, I was tired of the regret cripplin’ me. Jase is the only family I have left, and I didn’t wanna go another day without tryin’ to be in his life again.”
“Jase is a confused, hurt boy who had to grow up too fast. He doesn’t understand why you left him. You need to tell him so he can have closure to that period of his life. He probably grew up thinkin’ it was his fault you weren’t around. That he wasn’t good enough. Jase needs therapy to deal with his abandonment issues, and knowin’ why you weren’t around could help in his healin’ process.”
“I’m afraid it’ll make it worse for him.”
“Maybe at first. But Jase needs you more than he’s willin’ to admit.”
“And when I tell him I’m fallin’ in love with the woman he wants, how do ya think he’s gonna react to that? Nothin’ I tell him about the past will matter. It’ll be the ultimate betrayal in his eyes, especially now that I know he has feelings for you.”
My stomach twists at his words, but I don’t dwell on them. “To be fair, neither of us knew he wanted to get back together with me. And I certainly didn’t know who you were when we met.”
“I’m afraid that won’t matter to him.”
And I’m afraid he’s right.