Hate Notes

“Will she suffer?”

Reed stood behind me squeezing my shoulders as we spoke to the doctors outside of Lydia’s room. Jason had said they were facing some tough decisions, but hearing the team of doctors recommend turning off life support this morning made it real. Really real.

“We’re giving her a sedative and pain medication to keep her calm and relaxed,” Dr. Cohen said. “We would increase the dosage before we remove the ventilator so that she wouldn’t feel any pain.”

“How long would she . . . is she even capable of breathing on her own?” Jason asked.

“It’s hard to tell. There’re always exceptions, but in general, with a patient in your mother’s medical state, we wouldn’t expect her to make it more than a few days. Likely less.”

Jason swallowed. I could see he was trying to hold back tears. Reed and I had been standing on the left side of the three doctors that had come for rounds, my brother on the right side alone. I walked over and stood next to Jason, taking his hand. He looked at me, nodded, and cleared his throat. “We have another brother that goes to college out in California. He’s flying in tomorrow. I’d like to wait to discuss it with him and also give him a chance to see her.”

“Of course,” Dr. Cohen said. “You take your time and get your family together. We’re not rushing you. Your mother is comfortable. She just has no reasonable prospect of a meaningful recovery at this point. So it’s a matter of time, and the time needs to be right for you and your family. If I felt that she was suffering, I’d push harder. But take a day or two and give it some thought.” He dug in the breast pocket of his white coat and took out a business card and a pen. Jotting something on the back, he offered it to Jason. “My cell phone is on the back. If you or your family has any questions, just give me a call. Anytime. I’ll be back tomorrow morning to check in on everything.”

“Thank you,” we all said, one after the other.

After taking a few minutes in the hall to talk without the doctors, the three of us went back into Lydia’s room. I sensed that Jason needed some time alone, so I asked Reed to take a walk with me and told my brother that I’d pick us up some lunch.

The Texas heat was thick outside of the hospital. Both of us seemed lost in thought as we walked side by side on the path around the building. “I need to call Iris,” I said. “I feel terrible taking time off when I’ve only been there a few months, but I can’t leave.”

“Of course. And no need to call her unless you want to talk. I’ve kept in touch with her, and she knows what’s going on. We had a long-term temp before Iris hired you, so I contacted the agency she was with to see if she’s available for a thirty-day assignment. I figured you would need some time here”—he looked at me—“and after.”

“Thank you.” I shook my head. “I honestly don’t know how to thank you for everything, Reed. For finding her, for taking me here, for staying with me, for holding me while I sleep. None of this would be possible without you.”

“Stop thanking me, Charlotte. If the roles were reversed, you would’ve done the same for me. I’m sure of it.”

We walked in comfortable silence twice around the hospital. But I couldn’t stop thinking about all that Reed had done for me. He was absolutely right that if the roles were reversed and I could help him, I would. Which made me think about the value of my previous relationship.

After four years with my ex-fiancé, I was lucky if Todd brought me chicken soup from the Chinese restaurant when I was sick. And he had to pass the restaurant on his way over to my place. Reed had put his life on hold because I needed him in mine. I wasn’t even sure when he’d made hotel arrangements or spoken to Iris—he must’ve been doing things while I slept so he could give me his full attention while I was awake. I’d noticed that he didn’t spend his time scrolling through his phone when we were together. Another thing Todd wasn’t capable of doing for me. God, that Allison is a moron. Reed gave fully and unconditionally—even to me, whom he wasn’t planning on promising his heart to, for better and for worse.

Unfortunately, the more I thought about how generous he was, the more I realized I’d monopolized enough of his time already. Reed worked ten to twelve hours a day, normally. Our little trip would have him backed up for weeks. “You should be getting back to New York. I’ll be okay on my own.”

“I’m not leaving you here alone, Charlotte.”

“Really . . . I’m fine.”

Reed flashed a face that said bullshit. “I hate to tell you, but you’re not fine on a normal day, Darling.”

I laughed. “That’s true. But you can’t stay here and hold my hand forever. We have no idea how long it will be. It could be weeks.”

Reed stopped. It took me a few paces to realize I was walking alone. When I turned back, he said, “Do you want me here with you?”

“Of course. But you have to work. You’ve already done so much.”

“I can handle a lot of my work remotely.”

“Not showings, you can’t.”

“I have staff that can fill in for me. I’m here as long as you need me.” He held out his hand. “And I rather enjoy holding your hand, if you want the truth.”

I placed my hand in his and walked the two steps to close the distance between us. Pushing up on my tippy-toes, I kissed his cheek, then whispered in his ear, “That Allison . . . total fucking moron.”

Nine days after we’d arrived in Houston, Lydia Van der Kamp died at 11:03 p.m. on a Sunday. Reed, Jason, my youngest brother, Justin, and I were all at her bedside when she simply took her last breath. It had been less than twenty-four hours since they’d removed her from the ventilator.

Nothing could have prepared me for that moment. After the doctor pronounced her legally gone, a priest came in and said a few words. Then we took turns saying our goodbyes. Reed offered to stay with me while I said mine, but I felt like it was something I needed to do on my own.

She was gone, but I hoped her spirit could hear me as I spoke.

“Hi, Mom. I’m so glad I got to know you. You’re probably thinking I’m a little crazy for saying ‘I got to know you’ when you weren’t awake the entire time I’ve been here. But I did get to know you, because I got to meet my two brothers, who you raised. They’re loving and kind and the type of men who are a living testament to good parenting. So while we might not have had the opportunity to chat, I got to know you through them. And you’re really pretty great.” I wiped a few tears from my cheek. “I know it mustn’t have been easy for you to give me up. My brothers said you always felt like I took a piece of your heart the day you left me at that church. Well, I feel the same way right now. A piece of my heart that I’d just recently found is missing again. It disappeared when you took your last breath. Someday, we’ll meet again and make each other whole.” I leaned down and kissed her cheek one last time. “Until then, I’ll have an angel watching over me.”

I didn’t even remember walking out of her room that last time, or even saying goodbye to my brothers before we left the hospital. On the ride back to the hotel, Reed kept asking me if I was okay. I thought I was. Thought I’d made peace with finding her and losing her all in barely a week’s time. I wasn’t crying anymore and didn’t feel distraught, oddly. But there’s a difference between finding peace and going numb. It wasn’t until we were back in our room and I went into the shower that everything hit me. I’d stepped under the water fully dressed.

Hot water sluiced over my back, making my clothes droop from weight. I squeezed my eyes shut and started to cry. My shoulders shook and sobs racked my body, yet for the first twenty or thirty seconds no sound came out. But then the cork popped off the bottle, and it all started to pour out. I cried hard. Really hard. A sickening, howling wail gurgled from my throat. It didn’t even sound like it came from me. I leaned against the tile to keep myself up.

I vaguely heard the bathroom door click open, but Reed’s presence didn’t register until he was right behind me standing in the tub. He wrapped his arms around my waist from behind. “It’s okay. Let it out. I got you.”

I leaned back, shifting my weight from the wall to the man standing behind me, and pressed my head to his chest. I cried for so many things—Lydia dying so young, my brothers being without a mother, never being able to hear her voice or see her eyes, my mother—my amazing adopted mother—who did everything right, yet I could only give her 99 percent of my heart because the other 1 percent belonged to a woman I’d never known.

Reed just stood there, one hand holding me up and the other stroking my sopping-wet hair. We stayed like that for a long time, until the water turned cold. Eventually when my tears ran dry, he reached around me and twisted the knob to shut off the water. It squeaked as he wound it. “Let me get you out of these clothes.”

Shivering, I nodded.

He knelt down in front of me and unbuttoned my jeans. Peeling the soaked denim down my legs, he looked up at me and spoke softly. “Hold my shoulders. Step out.”

Doing as I was told, I pulled one foot from my jeans, then the other.

“I’m going to take off all your clothes, so I can get you into something dry. Okay?”

I nodded again.

Reed slid my wet underwear down my legs, and I stepped out—this time at least without needing to be instructed to.

“Lift your arms.”

He pulled my soaked T-shirt over my head and unfastened my bra, letting the heavy clothes fall to the tub floor with a loud thunk. I still hadn’t moved an inch as he stepped out of the tub, grabbed a towel, and shook it open before wrapping it around me.

“You okay?” he asked again.

More nodding.

“Come on. Let’s get you dressed in something warm and into bed under the covers.”

I finally spoke. “But you’re soaked, too.”

“I’ll get out of my clothes after we get you settled.”

I shook my head. “No. I’ll wait.”

Reed’s eyes lifted to mine, and he seemed to mull over what I asked. Although hesitant, he wouldn’t deny me anything in the moment. He closed his eyes and nodded.

The air conditioning was frigid, making wearing wet clothes unbearably cold. Even wrapped in a dry towel, I still trembled. Reed had to be freezing, yet he didn’t show it. He unbuttoned his drenched shirt and let it fall to the pile on the floor of the tub. His thin undershirt followed next. He hesitated at the button of his jeans, looking up at me one more time before opening them. I stared, waiting, until he continued. He peeled one pant leg down his long leg and then the other before bending to step out.

When he stood back up, I realized why he’d been so hesitant.

The thick bulge in his boxers made my heart pound.

Reed looked down at the erection protruding from the wet fabric. A frown marred his beautiful face. “I’m sorry. I . . . I can’t help it.”

“Don’t be,” I whispered. “I’d be disappointed if you weren’t.”

He searched my face, swallowed, and reached up to hook his thumbs into the waistband of his boxer briefs.

I held my breath while he stripped out of his underwear. His rock-hard cock bobbed against his lower belly as it sprang free. It didn’t matter that the room was freezing and we stood among a pile of soaked clothes, a sudden warmth spread all over my body.

Reed watched my eyes while they roamed all over his gorgeous skin. I’d never seen a body so perfect—defined abs, broad shoulders, a narrow waist, but it was his undeniable arousal that my eyes kept coming back to. When I unconsciously licked my lips, Reed groaned. “Fuck, Charlotte. Don’t look at me like that.”

My eyes jumped to his. “Like what?”

“Like if I told you to drop to your knees and suck me off, that it would make you feel better. Like it would make that smile that I miss so much return to your sweet face.”

I looked down and then back up under my lashes. “What else do you think would make me smile?”

“Charlotte . . . ,” he warned.

The mood shifted. We both felt it. Tension crackled in the air. It was pretty insane how my emotions could jump from needing him to hold me while I wept to needing him inside of me in such a short period of time. While I was reasonably certain I was currently unstable, I was also absolutely positive that I wouldn’t regret anything that happened between the two of us. Whatever incited the spark to flame didn’t matter; I wanted to feel the burn.

I took a tentative step closer to him. He might never give me his heart, but I wanted to at least pretend he was mine for one day. The closeness between us the last week, the way he’d kept me standing when I was ready to fall, it was easy to feel like we were really a couple. I needed to feel the rest. My heart thumped against the walls of my rib cage. “I want you, Reed. I just want to feel something that isn’t painful tonight.” My gaze dropped to his wide crown before I looked back up and our eyes met. “Well, that thing might be painful, but it’s a different kind of pain.”

Reed’s nostrils flared. He was a bull watching the red cape swing around from behind a latched gate. I wanted to swing the fence wide open and see him charge. Reaching up to the knot in the towel he’d wrapped around me, I loosened it and it tumbled to the ground.

The muscle in Reed’s jaw flexed as his eyes traveled all over me. His voice was strained. “You don’t want this, Charlotte. You don’t understand.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, Reed. I do understand. After the last week, I understand better than anyone. Because I would rather have had these last nine days with my mother that ended in pain than never have known her at all. I don’t care if our time is shorter or more difficult—I just want whatever it is we can have.”

His chest heaved up and down. “You’re destroyed from nine days. Think of what it would be like after nine years if I’m not lucky.”

I closed the remaining distance between us so that our skin touched and looked up at him defiantly. “Think of what we could have for those nine years.”

He bowed his head. “I can’t hurt you, Charlotte. I just can’t.”

I felt him slipping away again. The window began to close at the mention of anything long-term. Reed wouldn’t promise me anything that involved commitment because he didn’t think he could fulfill it the way I needed him to. But tonight I needed him, no matter what. In any way, shape, or form. I’d take whatever part of him he was able to give, even if it wasn’t his heart. “Then just give me tonight. I need you, Reed. Help me forget.” I wasn’t above begging. “Just one night.”

He stared at me. I could see the internal debate being waged within him. Deciding more than words might be necessary to tilt the scale in my favor, I reached down between us and slowly ran the pad of my thumb gently over the crown of his glistening, swollen cock. Then I brought my thumb to my lips and sucked the pre-cum off. Reed’s eyes blazed. His head dropped back and he roared, “Fuuucck.”

Suddenly my back hit the wall of the shower. Reed pressed his hands into the tile on either side of me, and I couldn’t seem to control my breathing. “Is this what you want?” His head dipped and he sucked in a nipple.

Hard.

My lips parted and a whimper answered his question.

He bit down and tugged my aching nipple between his teeth. “Is this what you want? Answer me.”

“I . . . I want to feel you.”

A wicked grin spread across his face as his head rose to meet mine. We were nose to nose. “You want to feel me for one night? I’ll make you feel me for days.”

Reed crushed his mouth to mine, swallowing a gasp of shock. He wound my hair around his fists and used it to tilt my head and deepen the kiss. Skin against skin, caged against the wall, my hair in his tight hold—it still wasn’t enough. I needed to be one with this man more than anything in the world. It felt like the only thing that was right.

Hooking both arms around his neck, I lifted my legs and wrapped them around his waist. He ground his cock hard against me, the friction against my clit making me almost lose my mind. My eyes rolled into the back of my head as he sucked on my tongue in tandem with rubbing his shaft up and down. I’d never been so turned on in all my life, never needed anyone so badly. I was drenched between my legs, and it had nothing to do with the shower.

Reed muttered against my mouth, “No condom. I want you bare.”

“God, yes.”

He detached his lips from mine and pulled back enough so that he could look into my eyes. Panting, his face was hazy with lust as he reined himself in and studied me. He seemed to be making sure that I was really okay with what he’d said.

I offered reassurance. “I’m on the pill.”

For a few painful seconds, he closed his eyes, and I thought that he might be reconsidering. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. He shook his head.

“I’ve fantasized about being inside of you since the first time we met. You were in that little black dress, walking around the penthouse I was showing, acting all innocent. I wanted to bend you over and spank your ass for wasting my time.” It was impossible to contain my smirk. That was exactly what it had felt like he wanted to do to me that day. I remembered vividly the feeling that he’d had a dangerous energy about him that conflicted with his custom suit and proper bow tie. I’d thought I was imagining it at the time.

“You should’ve. I didn’t realize that was an option with all the luxurious amenities that place had offered.”

“That day you had those flowers delivered from Blake.” He spat the name like a curse. “I went home and jerked off to the thought of fucking you from behind while that asshole watched from a window. You were bent over and facing the glass so he could see you, but I covered your face with both of my hands so he couldn’t even watch you come with my dick inside of you. That’s how much I fucking hate the thought of you with another man.”

His confession made my mouth hang open. I’d known he was attracted to me, had feelings for me even, but I never thought I’d hear him admit that he was as obsessed with me as I was with him. It fueled my boldness.

I moved my hands from his shoulders to his hair, tangling my fingers into the wet strands. “We could do that if you want. I could call him and . . .”

Reed cut me off. “Don’t. Don’t talk about calling another man. Not tonight.”

He reached down and fisted his cock, leading it to my opening. Catching my gaze again, he spoke with our lips touching. “Tonight . . . tonight you’re fucking mine.”

He drove his hips forward and gently but firmly pushed inside. Unconsciously, my eyes fluttered closed.

“Open, Charlotte.” His voice was gruff.

I opened and our eyes locked.

“Keep them open. Let me see you. I want to watch your beautiful face as you take my cock. The only thing better than dreaming about it is seeing it in real life.” He slid in and out a few times. “Fuck. You feel so good.”

It had been forever since I’d had sex, and Reed was thick and long. My body squeezed him like a glove. I smiled. “You feel . . . big.”

Reed smiled back. The sight was breathtaking. Him inside of me, and for one moment in time, he looked like he didn’t have a care in the world.

His hands slid down to cup my ass and he lifted to adjust us. The small tilt of my hips allowed him to sink in even deeper. His smile faded into deep concentration. “Fuck.”

I whimpered when he reached down and began to rub my clit with two fingers. Neither of us was going to last long. My body tingled, and my legs began to shake. Reed began to thrust harder and harder. “I want to fill you. Pump my cum so deep that you’ll always have a piece of me inside you.”

God. So dirty, yet at the same time, so beautiful.

I moaned his name as my orgasm took hold. My nails dug into his back, my body began to shudder and jerk, and I lost any awareness of the world around me. We were in a tunnel, just the two of us, secluded from the rest of the world. Reed looked into my eyes and allowed himself to give so much more than his body. We were connected on a level that I’d never experienced before; our minds, bodies, and spirits were in perfect harmony.

When my body began to go slack, Reed stopped holding back. He pumped into me harder and harder until his body went rigid as his hot climax filled me.

Simply spectacular. Better than fireworks on the Fourth of July.

He kept moving in and out for a long time afterward, kissing me and telling me over and over how beautiful I was. Feeling spineless, I held on for dear life as I caught my breath. Reed kissed my neck, my collarbone, my cheeks—even my eyelids. The moment felt so intimate, as if we lived in a little bubble protected from the outside world.

Eventually, though, he pulled out and set me down on my feet. He brushed his lips to mine. “Thank you for tonight, Charlotte.”

It was a seemingly innocuous thing to say—sweet, even. Yet it burst that little bubble wide-open. Reed was thanking me for tonight, because things wouldn’t be the same tomorrow.