Hate Notes

I hated having put her in this situation, but what was the alternative? She’d have regretted it for the rest of her life if she hadn’t come to Texas.

As we stood in front of the hospital in the sweltering heat, an overcast sky was a fitting addition to this ominous day.

Charlotte stopped short of the entrance. “I’m not ready to go in yet.”

“We can stay out here as long as you need.” Placing my hand on her shoulder, I said, “Can I get you anything?”

“I need some water, I think.”

“Let’s go to the cafeteria.”

“No. I want to stay out here. Can you just get me a drink and bring it back here?”

“Of course.”

Charlotte definitely wasn’t in her right mind today. Who could blame her? That was further evidenced by what I witnessed upon returning outside.

The skies had opened up and it was pouring rain. I was walking back with two bottles of water when I noticed that Charlotte was dancing with the man who had been smoking a cigarette outside when I’d left her. They were smiling and laughing as they rocked back and forth with their hands intertwined.

What the fuck?

Then it hit me.

Dance with a Stranger in the Rain.

She’d decided to take this opportunity to knock an item off her Fuck-It List. Kind of an odd moment to choose to do that, but if you knew Charlotte, you knew to expect anything. She’d likely needed the distraction from the stress right at this moment and had taken it.

I was trying not to let my jealousy creep in.

Charlotte stopped dancing when she saw me approach. “This man was nice enough to humor me. I explained the Fuck-It List.”

“Don’t worry.” He smiled. “I’m happily married. Didn’t mean to offend.”

The look on my face must have been obvious. “No offense taken.”

She turned to him. “Thank you. I really needed that.”

“My pleasure.”

As we walked away, I spoke in her ear. “What’s his name?”

“I have no idea. That would have defeated the purpose.”

I shook my head and chuckled. “Here’s your water.”

“Thanks.” Charlotte opened the bottle and drank half of it down in one long gulp.

We lingered for a few minutes just outside the door and then I turned to her. “Ready?”

Expelling a long breath, she held on to her stomach. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

After we wrung out our clothes, we were given easy access to Lydia Van der Kamp’s room just by saying we were family. No one bothered to question anything. We weren’t sure if we were going to run into her children, but when we got to the room, she was alone with a nurse.

The woman flashed a friendly smile. “Hello.”

“Hi,” Charlotte said, her gaze fixed on the comatose woman with tubes sticking out of her mouth.

“Are you here to see Miss Lydia?”

“Yes.”

“You must be her daughter. You two look alike. I’m just changing out her bedsheets.”

“Can she hear what we say?” Charlotte asked.

“Well, she’s heavily sedated. It’s not really clear what she can and cannot hear.”

After the nurse left, I lingered in the corner of the room to give Charlotte space. She made her way over to Lydia’s bedside.

The woman looked old beyond her years, likely from the stress of her illness. She was connected to a bunch of tubes, looking like the life had been drained out of her. Despite everything, I could see a trace of resemblance to her daughter.

It took Charlotte a while to conjure up the courage to speak.

“Hi, Lydia . . . I don’t know if you can hear me. My name is Charlotte, and I’m . . . your daughter. I just found out about you, actually. I rushed here as soon as I found out you were sick. I’ve dreamed about meeting you under different circumstances. I’m sorry that this happened to you. You’re too young. It’s not fair. I can see how much we look like each other. Now I know where my icy-blonde hair came from.”

Charlotte looked over at me. Her eyes were glistening, and I took that as my cue to go stand next to her, figuring she needed me for comfort. I held her hand as she continued to speak to Lydia.

“Anyway, I’m here to tell you something. Whatever guilt you might have about leaving me at the church, let it go. Everything turned out the way it was supposed to. I have two wonderful parents whom I adore. So don’t feel like you did a bad thing. You were young, and you made the decision you thought was best. Thank you for choosing a church . . . and not like . . . I don’t know . . . a gas station or some other random place. They took good care of me there. I hope you can hear me. Everyone deserves peace, and I’m hoping to give that to you. Thank you for choosing to have me. I’ll always be grateful to you for that. And I’ll always love you for giving me life.”

Charlotte rested her head gently at the edge of the bed near Lydia’s nearly lifeless body. She took Lydia’s hand and held it.

A few moments later, Charlotte jumped. “Did you see that?”

“What?”

“She just squeezed my hand!”

“I didn’t see it. But if you felt it, that’s amazing.”

“I hope that means she heard me.”

I placed both hands on her shoulders. I hoped so, too. I really felt for Charlotte. I couldn’t imagine meeting my mother for the first time under these circumstances. She was being so strong, and I was really proud of her.

The smoker from outside who’d danced with Charlotte in the rain suddenly appeared in the doorway. Why was he here?

“Can I help you?” I asked.

“Depends. Can you make my mother come back to life?” he said as he entered the room.

Charlotte froze.

“I just figured out who you are, Charlotte. We’ve been talking about you every day since that investigator left. I thought you looked familiar outside, but now I realize it was just because you look like a younger version of Mama. We’ve already met . . . but I’m Jason . . . your brother.”

Tears filled Charlotte’s eyes as she hugged him. “Oh my God. Hi.”

Jason’s hands were trembling a little as he wrapped them around Charlotte’s back. He smelled like a chimney, but on first impression, he seemed like a decent person.

This was pretty damn surreal. He must have looked like his father, because I would’ve never guessed that this dark-haired guy was Charlotte’s brother.

“How long has she been this bad?” she asked him.

“About a month.”

“Is there any hope?”

He frowned. “I’m afraid not. She’s dependent on the machines at this point. We’re in the midst of some tough decisions.”

Charlotte returned to her spot next to Lydia, then looked up at Jason. “I’m so sorry.”

“She loved you, Charlotte. She’d only recently told us about you. Mama was afraid to look for you because she thought maybe you’d hate her. But she carried you in her heart.”

The tears that had been threatening started to stream down Charlotte’s face as she stared at her newfound brother. “Can I stay? Until . . . I . . . I want to spend time with her. And with you. And my other brother. If that’s okay?”

He smiled. “Mama’d like that. In fact, I can’t think of anything else in this world that might bring her more peace than having you here today.”

“How long does she have?”

Jason walked to the other side of his mother’s—their mother’s—bed and covered the woman’s other hand with his. “Not long. Weeks . . . days . . . maybe even hours. We’ve been struggling to take her off life support. We all had this feeling that it wasn’t time yet.” He looked up at Charlotte. “Now it makes sense. We were all waiting for you. She was waiting for you.”

“Hey,” Charlotte whispered, blinking sleep from her eyes as she looked up at me. A few hours ago, she’d curled up in a ball on the chair next to her mother and fallen asleep. It was almost two in the morning, Texas time. She stretched her arms over her head and let out a big yawn. “How long did I sleep for?”

“Not long enough. A couple of hours.”

“Did Jason leave?”

My first impression of Jason had been right. He turned out to be a pretty decent guy. We’d spent the hours while Charlotte slept getting to know each other. At only twenty-two, he’d already served four years in the military and married his high school sweetheart. He’d also been the sole caregiver to Lydia the last few months since she’d taken a steep turn for the worse, and his mother clearly meant the world to him. I shook my head. “He went downstairs to get us some coffee. I didn’t want to go far in case you woke up and were confused.”

She gave me a sad smile. “Confused as to how I could be an only child pouring my boss coffee in New York yesterday, and tonight I’m halfway across the country and my brother is getting my boss coffee?”

I reached over and squeezed her knee. “Yeah, that, wiseass.”

“Did you get any sleep?”

“Not yet. But I booked us a hotel room nearby while you were snoring.”

Charlotte arched a brow. “A hotel room? As in one, not plural?”

“I booked a suite with two beds. I don’t want you to be alone.”

She leaned to me and whispered in my ear. “Or . . . maybe you were hoping I’d lift my dress for you again?”

Jason walked back into the room, saving me from having to answer that. I’d actually debated over how many rooms to book for an hour and a half. In the end, I figured I’d already seen her naked, tasted her pussy, and lost my mind over this woman. I’d crossed the line by a mile—comforting her and staying by her side as she struggled through this difficult time couldn’t dig me any deeper. Her brother handed me a coffee from the cardboard carrying container, then turned to Charlotte. “Got one with cream and sugar for you. Wasn’t sure how you took it. Me and Ma take it light and sweet, so I figured maybe the taste is hereditary or something.”

She smiled. “That’s perfect. Thank you.”

Jason took a seat on the other side of the bed. “Don’t know how long you’re planning on staying, but you should probably get some shut-eye. I don’t have much room in my little apartment. I live in a studio with my wife. But you’re welcome to stay at Ma’s place if you want. I have her keys, and it’s not too far from here. Maybe fifteen minutes up the road.”

“Thanks. But Reed booked us a hotel nearby already.”

“You have a good husband.” He looked at me. “Though I think he could use some sleep. He was watching you like a hawk while you slept and looked as stressed as you were when you were awake.”

It hadn’t occurred to me that we’d never labeled our relationship. Considering I’d been next to Charlotte the entire time, his conclusion was logical.

“Oh. Reed’s not my husband. He’s my”—Charlotte struggled—“boss.”

Jason raised a brow and sipped his coffee. “Boss?”

“Yes, he’s my boss back in New York. I work at his company.”

“From the way he looked like he might murder me when he found us dancing outside, and the way he watched you sleep . . . I just assumed.”

Charlotte glanced at me and then back to her brother. “It’s . . . complicated.”

He smirked. “I’d imagine it is.”

After we finished our coffees, Jason again suggested we go get some sleep. Even though Charlotte seemed hesitant, she agreed when he said that we should come back around ten in the morning, since that was when they did rounds.

The hotel I’d booked on my phone was walking distance from the hospital, and check-in was smooth and quick. It wasn’t until the two of us were alone in the quiet room that I began to question if I’d done the smart thing by setting us up in a place with two giant beds.

“I’m going to take a quick shower,” Charlotte said.

“Are you hungry? The hotel has a twenty-four-hour room-service menu. Why don’t I order us something? You haven’t eaten anything since before we left New York.”

“Okay. Yeah. I guess we should eat. Thank you.”

“What would you like?”

“Whatever you’re having.” Charlotte’s drooping shoulders and the sadness in her voice were killing me.

“So two orders of double cheeseburgers, large fries, a milkshake, and dessert?”

“Sure.”

I’d been teasing—although I didn’t think she really wanted all that food. So I tested if she was paying attention. “Okay. I’ll also order a double of pigs’ knuckles and roasted squirrel.”

When I looked over at her, she responded, “That sounds good.” She’d had no idea what I’d just said.

Room service came just as Charlotte emerged from the bathroom. I wasn’t sure if it had been really quick or her shower had been really long. I lifted the silver cover from the first plate. “Chicken Caesar salad?” Setting it down, I lifted the second cover. “Or penne alla vodka?”

“I’m sorry. I’m not really hungry.” She sighed. Charlotte had on a thick white hotel robe, and her wet hair was wrapped in a towel on top of her head. She wasn’t big to begin with, but buried underneath all that, she looked downright tiny in the moment. I rubbed at a spot on my chest, even though the pain was inside.

“Come here.” I opened my arms, and she didn’t hesitate to walk into them. She closed her eyes and let out another loud breath as I wrapped her in a tight embrace. I stroked her back. “It’s been a long day. Or two days. You should get some sleep.”

She made no attempt to move but nodded. “Will you hold me? Lie with me, I mean.”

“Of course.”

Together, we went into the bedroom. I slipped off my shoes and took off my dress shirt, stopping short of removing my pants and white undershirt. Charlotte needed my support, not an erection prodding at her ass. Pulling back the covers, I slipped into the bed and held my arms out for her. She unwrapped the towel from her head and snuggled into me, her wet head resting on my chest right over my heart.

I wanted to say something—to offer some sort of verbal support. But it felt like the words were trapped in my throat. Instead, I did what felt natural and stroked her head with one hand and her back with the other.

After about ten minutes, I thought she’d fallen asleep, but she whispered, “Thank you for this gift, Reed. Even though my heart is broken into a thousand little pieces because she’s slipping away and I’ll never get to know her, in a weird way, I feel like it’s the first time that I have all my pieces. I’ve always felt like a few were missing.”

I kissed the top of her head and firmed up my grip around her. “It’s my pleasure, Charlotte. I just wish that things with her health could be different.”

A few minutes later, she drifted off to sleep. I chose to stay awake and enjoy the feeling of her sleeping peacefully in my arms. It felt so right. So amazing to do nothing but lie with the woman I’d fallen for on my chest and pretend that this was my life.

I wanted it to be my life more than anything.

But seeing the emotional distress Charlotte felt watching a woman she’d really just met dying was a glaring reminder that it couldn’t be my life.

This woman finally had all her pieces, and I wasn’t about to take one that I might never be able to give back.