Harlow

Harlow's POV

My baby, my smudge was gone. I never got to know if my baby was a boy or girl. My smudge never got to take there first breath. I was numb so incredibly numb. I hated myself for not being able to keep my baby safe in my belly. I had failed as a mother before I ever really got the chance to be a mother.

It has been two weeks since I lost smudge, I had barely got out of bed at all except to use the bathroom and when Toby or one of my brothers held me under the shower. I didn't deserve to be alive when I couldn't keep my baby alive. Sue, Toby, Leo, Kody, Mac and even my father tried to force me to eat. At times it worked but other times I would just vomit it all up.

My father had arrived two days after I miscarried and I wanted nothing to do with him. He pushed his way in though and refused to leave my side. Dean had come around several times trying to see me but was quickly turned away by everyone. He spoke with Kody each time telling him he wanted to apologise and see if I was ok. I was far from ok and everyone could see that. Jett, Jax and Cameron also came by wanting to see me. They made it into the room but I quickly kicked them out. I wanted nothing to do with any of them, they had allowed this to happen. I also warned Kody and Leo that if I saw them again near me I would cut everyone off. Hendrix was MIA and I was ok with that, he contributed to the loss of my baby. He could burn in hell with my mother for all I cared.

I had been laying awake since 5am starring at the ceiling which was nothing new to me. Toby and Leo were both sleeping next to me on the bed with me squished between the two. Everyone was scared I would do something stupid but I was to much of a coward to do that. I had been designing my next tattoo with the date and time of when I lost my smudge. I wanted to honour my baby in some way. We would plant a frangipani tree for my smudge today and it would be the first time I would actually step outside the door. Admittedly it would be in the backyard of Sue and Steve's place but it was a huge step for me. I was so lost in thought that I didn't notice the time nor did I notice Leo getting up and going to shower.

"Hey Harl's what's got you thinking so hard this time of morning?" Toby whispered out. "Tattoo" I replied. He just shook his head. I had only really spoken to people in one or two word sentences. "Come on Harl's let me into that pretty head of yours. I miss our conversations. I miss my best friend" Toby replied looking sad and lost. "Fob watch with the time I lost smudge displayed with the date in a bed of frangipani flowers" I replied. I was describing what I wanted my tattoo to look like, it was easier to focus on that then let myself feel the pain. "And who is going to do it?" Toby asked. "Same guy who did the first one" I replied. I hadn't seen Leo standing at the door. "I don't know what your talking about, I'm guessing a tattoo, but I doubt Jax and a Jett will allow anyone else tattoo you again unless it's one of them" Leo said. "They don't have a say" I replied. Leo kissed the top of my head and left the room.

"Harl's, I know you still haven't forgiven me for what I did. I fucked up big time. Sorry won't fix it I know. I, fuck. This is such bad timing but I need to say it and then you can hate me or whatever but I want you to know ok? Harlow, I'm sorry I took off but you were so happy talking about Dean and I couldn't take it anymore. I love you like really fucken love you more than a friend. It's ok though I know you don't feel the same but it is so hard seeing someone else making you happy. I wanted it to be me making you smile" Toby continued to ramble before I stopped him placing a small kiss on his lips. He quickly stopped talking looking at me wide eyed. "Harl's" he started again. "I love you to dummy. I didn't think you loved me that way so never said anything" I replied before looking down at my hands.

Toby smiled before pulling me closer to him. "I'm so sorry for what I did Harlow. I wanted to forget and that's why I took off. I'm never leaving you again" Toby said before pulling me into a panty dropping kiss. I had been kissed before but this was toe curling and took my breathe away literally.

"Hhmm" Kody cleared his throat from the door making Toby and I pull away from each other. "Ok you two go get ready we are going to plant this tree and then we will be having a serious talk" Kody said pointing at the both of us. "Harl's I know things aren't great right now, but I will wait for you to be ready. I want to be with you, I want us to have a relationship. I want to be able to call you my girl and I will work for it and your forgiveness. I promise you are worth it all and I'll prove it to you every day if I have to" Toby said.

"Toby, I" I began, "no Harlow I swear to you that I'm ok with whatever you need right now. You just lost your baby. You need time to grieve and I'm willing to wait" he replied. I nodded my head and headed into the bathroom to get ready.

When I was finished, Toby was waiting on the bed for me freshly showered and dressed in black. He looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back and he got up walking towards me. Toby pulled me into a hug giving me a small peck on the lips. "Come on, they are waiting for us downstairs" Toby said taking my hand. We headed downstairs to see Sue, Steve, Kody, my father, Leo, Mac and Owen waiting. "Oh my grand babies are going to be so cute" Sue said causing all eyes to snap towards her. She just shrugged her shoulders brushing everyone off. "I'm not ready to be an uncle" Leo replied before looking wide eyed at me. I just gave a small reassuring smile with a head nod. He looked relieved.

We all headed to the backyard to honour my smudge by planting a tree. I was thankful for Toby holding onto me because attached to the tree were pictures of my smudge from my first ultrasound. I couldn't stop the tears as I fell to my knees and traced the image of my smudge "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I failed as your mother" I cried out. Toby put his hand on my shoulder kneeling next to me, he didn't speak at all he was there just like the rest of them who formed a wall of support quietly behind me. I didn't notice that behind them was Dean, Jax, Jett and Cameron watching as I fell apart knowing it was partially there fault.