Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

Tra and la! I’ve made it into a prison gang!

And not just any prison gang. I’ve made it into the gang with the hottest women: the GoneGirlz.

I’m low GoneGirl on the totem pole now, but I have no doubt that soon enough I’ll be at the top. You see in prison, it’s all about status. There’s no money, no cars, no fancy bar mitzvah you can throw for your son and invite your friends to and say, “Look how much better than you I am.” There’s just pure status.

And as a hot girl, I’ve been playing the status game all my life.

So I think I’ve finally found my home.

Here’s the thing, though: the ultimate status in prison comes from being able to make things happen in the outside world. And the ultimate way to make things happen in the outside world is to get back at those on the outside who’ve wronged you.

So while Nick, Desi, and the rest of them might think it’s over, they’d be wise to not let down their guard.

Because I’m just getting started.