Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

Desi’s lake house was pretty amazing. As he gave me the tour, I kept seeing one cool thing after another: 20-seat movie theater, infinity pool, game room, and on and on. It would be an amazing place to stay…if it didn’t belong to Desi.

“I’ve saved the best for last,” Desi said, as we came to a door at the end of a long hallway. “This is where you’ll be staying. I remodeled it just for you.”

He opened the door to reveal the room I would’ve fantasized about if I were still in fifth grade. There was pink heart-print wallpaper, a soft serve ice cream machine, a candy counter like at the movies, and ‘N Sync posters everywhere. Fifth grade was the one time we’d gone on an actual date, so that’s the only reference point he had for what I thought was romantic.

I knew Nick’s interview with Dr. Rupta was about to air, and I wanted to watch it alone, but no matter how many hints I gave to Desi about how tired I was and how I wanted to go to sleep, he wouldn’t stop hovering. So I ended up watching it with him there. But I spilled some soft serve ice cream on the couch so he couldn’t sit next to me.

The big bombshell in the interview was that Nick had started dating a transvestite or ladyboy or whatever. It wasn’t a bombshell to me, though. When you’ve watched as much porn as Nick, nothing “normal” is capable of getting you off. I’m surprised he was just dating the transvestite and not having her pee on him. That would probably be next week.

“You look a little worn out,” said Desi when the interview ended. “Maybe you could use a massage.” Ugh. Massage was the classic guy-in-the-friend-zone suggestion. They always thought it would lead to something more, but it never did. Except them getting blue balls.

This one time, however, I was glad he’d suggested it. Because as soon as I heard him say it, I figured out how I was gonna get out of there.