Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

It was 9:30 p.m., and I was sitting in the bar of a casino a couple miles away from the rest stop gas station where I’d tried to sleep on my Segway. And at the table across from me was Desi.

“Sorry to bother you like this,” I said.

“Are you kidding?” he said. “I’ve always said, you can call me anytime, from anywhere, and I’ll be there for you.”

What a loser. “Thanks Desi, you’re an amazing person.”

Desi hadn’t asked me anything about my disappearance, or why I was letting this giant search for me go on, or anything else that might make me upset. He was just happy to be hanging out with me. Furthermore, he’d offered to let me stay at his lake house for as long as I wanted. This solved my short-term problem of how to survive. But it left unsolved my longer-term problem of how to go home without everybody hating me. If anything, it added to that problem, because once I was living at Desi’s lake house, he wasn’t going to want to let me leave.

“Check it out,” Desi said, pointing up at the TV on the wall. “Breaking news on the missing you case. Who’s that woman speaking?”

I looked up at the TV. There was a press conference going on, and a good-looking young woman was at the podium in tears. A caption flashed on the screen: Andie Bates, Nick Dunne’s mistress.

“Excuse me, can we get some volume?” I asked the bartender. I needed to hear this.

Andie spoke haltingly in between sobs. “Nick told me his relationship with his wife was over and that he wanted a relationship with me,” she said. “But it was all a big lie.”

Well, well, well. She’d finally cracked.

Suddenly the TV coverage went to a split screen, and on the other side of the screen was another press conference with another cute girl in tears at the podium. A caption popped up: Katie DeNunzo, Nick Dunne’s other mistress.

Katie started speaking. “Nick told me his relationship with the girl he was cheating on his wife with was over, and that he wanted a relationship with me,” said Katie. “But it was all a big lie.”

Suddenly the TV coverage went to a triple screen, and in the third section there was yet another press conference going on. This time I recognized the woman at the podium. It was Go.

“Nick told me his relationship with the two girls he was cheating on his wife with was over, and that he wanted a relationship with me,” said Go. “But it was all a big lie.”

My God. I thought Nick had been famous after the Flip phone interview in the bar. But after this? I had to figure out a way to get home.

And as I glanced across the table at Desi, who’d been staring at me longingly for 30 minutes straight, I knew I had to figure it out fast.