Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

It was the night of my live interview with Dr. Gupta, and Tanner, Betsy and I were at St. Louis’ fanciest hotel (which wasn’t in any way fancy) where the interview would take place. I’d been in hair, makeup, and wardrobe for nearly two hours, and when I finally emerged, Tanner and Betsy came running up to me.

“Come on, let’s go!” said Tanner, dragging me off to a private suite. I figured they were rushing to give me some last-minute coaching before the interview. But when we got inside the suite, they started undoing all the work that hair, makeup, and wardrobe had done: spilling mustard on my shirt, giving me shaving cuts with a razor, and using hair gel and a pillow to give my hair the slept-on look.

“Wait, what are you guys doing?” I asked.

“We’re making you look like an asshole,” Tanner said.

For the past 24 hours I’d been pressing Tanner and Betsy to give me scripted answers and tell me exactly what I needed to say to look like the biggest asshole ever. But their response was always the same:

“Just be you.”

There was a knock at the door. A woman with a headset, the producer of Dr. Rupta’s Office, stuck her head in.

“Sorry folks, but the interview’s on hold,” she said.

“For how long?” said Betsy.

“Maybe forever,” said the woman.

“What? Why?” said Tanner.

“Turn on your TV.”