Fragmented bond

When I awoke, my head was clouded over and heavy, making it difficult to shake myself out of the deep dreamless sleep. My body was stiff and when I tried to stretch, I realized why. I was handcuffed to the headboard. For a long moment, I was confused by this and the unfamiliar bed until unfortunately, I remembered. Anger at Atlas—for using blood magic to make me fall asleep—made an appearance, but it was vastly overshadowed by the memories playing in my head on a loop over and over. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake them. Even now, I still felt the sharp stab of rejection in my chest and my soul breaking at Lukas’ rejection.

The all-consuming agony was somehow worse today. Maybe it was because I was trapped here with nowhere to go, and nothing to distract me. Or maybe, it was because, for just a moment, I didn’t remember that my fated mate didn’t give a shit about me and what I had done. For just a moment everything had been back to normal and I had a reprieve. Only for my world to crash and burn all over again.

I couldn’t say how long I lay there, drowning in the memories and despair, before I allowed myself to be pulled into a sucking void of nothingness. It was nice, a place where the memories couldn’t reach me, and those emotions weighing me down held no sway over me.

Eventually, I became distantly aware of a presence behind me, and yet I still didn’t move. I couldn’t, and not because of the handcuffs. I didn’t have the energy to do so—even closing my eyes felt like too much—and I didn’t feel like moving anyway. Why would I need to check to see who was behind me, when I knew who it was? Not only that, but I didn’t give a single fuck if he was watching me.

A calloused hand brushed my cheek, but it barely registered through the wall I hid behind. There was no joy or relief at my hands being freed from the metal prison holding them captive. There were no emotions, good or bad, in the fog.

I didn’t struggle or fight him as he scooped me up and carried me to a room adjoining the bedroom, one I hadn’t noticed before. A room I barely paid any mind to, nor did I try to figure out its purpose as I lay my head on Atlas’ shoulder. My eyes were unfocused since I didn’t have it in me to put in any effort.

A shock of icy water jolted me enough to reach me in the fog, not enough for me to feel anything, but enough for me to take in my surroundings. I was in a bathtub, sitting in waist-deep freezing water, in a room I now realized was a bathroom. Atlas was kneeling before me, his arms resting on the lip of the tub as he cautiously watched me. His expression was tight, like he was trying to hide whatever emotions he felt, but was unable to fully succeed. No part of me wondered why he wore that expression. Just like I barely noticed I was fully dressed.

I just didn’t care about any of it, and that should’ve scared me, but it didn’t.

And that’s how the next…I honestly couldn’t say how many days it was. The days were hard to distinguish through the fog, with a lack of windows, and how the days were short in the Outliers and the nights were long. We began following a pattern and everything ended up blurring together. He would lock me in the bathroom, telling me he disabled the bathtub so I couldn’t use it without him. There wasn’t a single part of me that cared since using it would require too much energy.

Not only did he lock me in the bathroom, but he also refused to let me out until all of my needs were met. The first time he did this, a burst of annoyance nearly disrupted the fog and a burst of panic followed. Before any more emotions could find me in the fog, I built a wall between me and all the shit I didn’t want to feel or think about.

He would leave me in the bedroom to give me privacy to change into the new clothes he set out, only to return to me sitting on the floor, blankly staring at the wall, still in the same clothes. I didn’t respond when he warned me that if I didn’t dress myself, then he’d do it for me.

It didn’t bother me when he sighed and did as he promised. I wasn’t relieved when he was careful not to look at my naked body. I knew I should’ve been. I should’ve been shocked that he didn’t take advantage of me. But all I felt was numb, because when I wasn’t numb, all I felt was soul-destroying agony, and I couldn’t bear to feel that any longer. It was better to shut myself off from all emotions than to feel that pain any longer.

Atlas no longer restrained me, he didn’t need to. I barely moved, sitting wherever he moved me after forcing me to take care of myself. That included feeding me, and sometimes he had to use his magic to get the job done. Again, I should’ve been enraged by this, but the anger couldn’t break through the fog. My hold was tenuous and if one emotion broke through, they all would.

It had been a while since he last bothered me, at least I thought it had been, but time was hard to keep track of lately.

Eventually, the peace was broken when he pulled me off the armchair and threw me over his shoulder. I was expecting him to carry me to the table, the bedroom, or the bathroom, but he did none of these things.

He headed straight for the front door and strode outside. The overwhelming blast of heat was a shock to my senses and nearly jolted me out of my safe cocoon. We didn’t go far, the cabin was still in view when he set me on my feet and I briefly considered sitting on the untamed grass. The weather outside was far from pleasant, with sweat already beading up on my forehead. It was a sharp contrast to the cool temperature of the cabin.

Atlas bent his head down toward mine, searching my face. Indecision held his expression as he chewed on his bottom lip. A hint of curiosity tried seeping through the fog, wanting to know what he was debating.

I was busy shoving aside the momentary weakness, not willing to disturb the peace when he grabbed either side of my face and kissed me. He didn’t force his tongue in my mouth or touch me anywhere other than my face. It was just a hard press of his lips against mine, but it was enough.

It was enough to form a crack in the shroud I surrounded myself with, and let indignant anger seep in.

Placing my hands on his chest, I shoved him back and punched him in the jaw, but it wasn’t enough. Not when the anger toward him had been brewing under the surface. Even though I hadn’t felt it, that didn’t mean it hadn’t been there. The grin that crossed his face as he rubbed his jaw didn’t help. It only served to increase my rage and made me attack him again, and again. Each time, he easily evaded my attacks.

My moves weren’t as coordinated as usual, what with me having barely moved in days. If it hadn’t been for him force-feeding me, I probably wouldn’t have had the strength to attack him right now. Ironic.

He let me exhaust myself with useless strikes that he easily deflected, and eventually, he flipped me to the ground and pinned me on my back. A frustrated shriek left me as I tried to wiggle free but to no avail.

My clothes were drenched in sweat from exertion, but mainly from the unbearable sun. Of course, Atlas would drag me out here in the few hours of daylight. I’d forgotten all about the Great Heat.

Too late, I realized my mistake and what he had goaded me into. A crack appeared in the barrier holding back my emotions and began spiderwebbing out into bigger cracks. The torrent of emotions I hadn’t wanted to feel slipped through the cracks and began slowly choking me.

I tried repairing the wall, but the cracks formed faster than I could fix them, and eventually, the wall crumbled.

The sheet of glass I’d been watching the world behind was gone, and I didn’t know how to cope.

My first instinct was to try and rebuild the wall, stronger than before. To call upon the haze I’d hidden behind, but it was like it vanished because I wasn’t able to find it.

So here I was, lying on the ground in this unbearable heat, feeling everything all at once. All of this was too much. I felt like I might die from all these emotions, all fighting for my attention, but somehow I continued living.

“Oh no you don’t, I might’ve let you have your way this past week, hoping you’d pull yourself out of this on your own but that ends today,” Atlas murmured, cupping my face and waiting until my eyes snapped open until he continued. “Avoiding feeling the pain won’t get you anywhere. You’ll never get past it this way.”

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about!” Breathing was near impossible with the hurricane of emotions beating at me. Rage and guilt were the loudest and most dominant of these emotions.

“He never deserved you as a mate,” Atlas said, cutting me off. His voice was sharp in a way I’d yet to hear, and despite me knowing next to nothing about him, I could tell he was barely restraining his anger.

Surprise made its way through the storm and had me gaping at him. In all honesty, I never considered what was common knowledge about me in the other lands. I assumed most didn’t know about Lukas since the bond hadn’t been complete and we hadn’t gone through the mating ritual. Clearly, I was wrong about this. But it still didn’t explain his opinion.

“What?”

He rolled off me, taking a seat beside me with his arms resting on his bent knees. His laugh was nothing short of derisive as he grabbed the metallic bracelet on his left wrist and snapped it open until it formed a blade—all blood mages wore these, so they always had something to draw blood. I watched in rapt attention as he dragged the blade across his forearm until blood flowed, which he used to draw sigils on his forearm.

Once the blood sank into his arm, a translucent barrier formed several feet over our heads, and the scorching heat cooled significantly. It was still hot as fuck, and I’d sweat up a storm, but we wouldn’t be at risk of cooking out here.

“What do you know about him?” I finally asked, feeling frustrated he’d yet to elaborate. Despite being able to think of his name, I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud. The wound was still raw, and my dragon still couldn’t understand why this happened. If my soul was this fractured by a bond that had been barely formed, I couldn’t imagine how much worse it could’ve been had the bond been complete.

Atlas scoffed and it was clear to me this was the last thing he wanted to talk about. “I know enough.”

For the first time in days, I cared enough to press the situation. His answer wasn’t good enough for me. Or maybe I pressed because this was a welcome distraction from the storm trying to pull me under. Whatever the case, I was getting to the bottom of this. “Like what?”

“I know he is selfish and only cares about his own wants and needs. He doesn’t deserve a mate, especially one like you. He threw it all away for the elemental he’s been hooking up with the past few weeks. And I know, one day he’ll regret pissing it all away for a fun fling. I’ve heard he told you the fates fucked up when pairing the two of you together. He’s right, but not in the way he meant it. You deserve a mate who puts you first and will fight for you.”

A mixture of horror, shock, and sadness warred within me. I was horrified that his cheating on me seemed to be common knowledge and that he’d apparently been bragging about rejecting me. What an asshole.

A weight sat on my chest from how wrong Atlas was about me, about all of this. I wasn’t too good for Lukas. Yes, I hadn’t been the one to cheat or string him along, but I let our baby die, which was arguably worse.

I shifted to a sitting position, pulling my knees to my chest as if the pressure would hold everything together. Emotion clogged the back of my throat, but luckily I didn’t feel any of the telltale signs I was about to cry.

“I know the bond—even in the beginning stages—is all-encompassing and losing it is devastating, but he’s not worth your life. You can and will find better if you allow yourself the chance. I know it must be agonizing, feeling the fragmented bond, but the only thing dying will accomplish is prevent it from getting better.”

Before I could form a response, too stunned to say anything, he continued speaking. “I know you tried to kill yourself. I watched you in the river, and I saw the moment you gave up. In all the times you fought me, or were scared of my intentions, never once did you fear I’d kill you. Because you no longer hold any regard for your life.” His inscrutable gaze bore into mine, stripping me down to my essence.

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. What was there to say? How could I respond to that?

After a long stretch of silence, I managed to string words together in a sentence. “Is that why you kept me handcuffed?” I previously thought it was to keep me from running away, which was probably part of it, but he kept mentioning how he couldn’t trust me.

“I didn’t know what you’d do, if you would try to off me or yourself,” he said with a shrug, but I saw the tension.

All of the emotions my curiosity and anger held at bay began beating at me, demanding attention as they tried choking me. I was so distracted trying to breathe through the pain, I didn’t notice the change in the air or how Atlas was now alert and standing. He grabbed my upper arm, hauling me to my feet as he said, “Get to the cabin and lock the—”

His words were cut off when he saw something and shoved me behind him. I was less coordinated than usual, having been half paying attention to my surroundings and awkwardly slammed onto the grass. My left shoulder twinged from smashing into the ground as I rolled to a stop, but even that was barely noticeable.

I distantly heard snarls and the telltale sounds of fighting, but again, all my focus was inward on not drowning. The agonizing grief was like a bottomless body of water that I was trapped in, without a life raft or land in sight as I treaded water, but I was quickly tiring. And worse, there was a part of me that wanted to give up. It would be so easy to give into the oblivion. This was the very same part of me that had been in control when I gave up before.

It was so tempting to give in, especially with how I was vaguely aware of the fight going on beside me. The part that had already given up whispered to me. Telling me to give in, and that maybe I’d get lucky and they’d end my suffering. I was already halfway there with how I was curled up on the ground. With how I barely even noticed the throbbing in my shoulder, I most likely wouldn’t feel a thing.

All I had to do was let go.