SWNOVELS Flawed Heart: Chapter 40
The entire ride to Zander’s home is silent. I haven’t spoken to him since we left New Zealand. I can’t believe I’m here. I can’t believe he did this, and even more, I can’t understand why I’m going along with this. I can’t let him take Asher from me. I had hopes that we would work through this, that we could be better for him. Zander isn’t leaving me a choice. I don’t believe he’s bluffing about the contract. I never really understood how he felt until he was listing all the things he has missed. My heart hurt for him, but also blamed him for missing those things. Zander destroyed us. We never would have been apart if he hadn’t lost faith in me. If he hadn’t turned to her.
“We’re here, sir,” Our driver announces, pulling us both from our own thoughts.
Zander unbuckles first, “Grab Asher, I’ll get all our things.”
I nod and grab the car seat before running up to the door to wait. I don’t have a key and I’m more than paranoid that we’ll be recognized. Part of using Ocean’s private plane ensured we wouldn’t be seen by the press yet. It was only a matter of time, and I was terrified. Zander follows behind and unlocks the door so I can go in. The house is exactly as I remembered from our night together. Nothing is out of place. It doesn’t look over cluttered, and there is no evidence anyone else lived here.
I take Asher out of his car seat and we walk around the house while Zander brings in a few more bags and Asher’s smaller furniture. Zander was adamant we would get new things for him, but I felt like if I did, it was signaling that this was okay. I didn’t believe I would be here after a month. There was too much hurt between us.
Zander sets up the bassinet while I feed Asher. Once he’s laid down, I go back downstairs and find Zander setting up the swing.
“Where am I sleeping?” I ask, the fatigue of travel finally setting. How Zander is still functioning I do not know. I’m dead on my feet and I feel disgusting.
His eyes shoot to mine and I watch as they drag lazily all over my body, “The master room down the hall.”
“With you?” I raise my brow. I hate that even as appalling as that sounds, I also feel a pulse of heat in my core.
His head cocks to the side, “It is my room.”
“I’m not sharing a room with you—”
“Our agreement was that we live together as a family,” He reminds me. I bite my lip to stop from screaming at him, remembering the baby sleeping upstairs. “Unless you’d rather not live at this house.”
My heart drops, “Where would we stay?”
“Magnolia Hills,” His gaze stays steady on mine. He’s serious about this. I think about the home I haven’t been to since my grandfather’s death. The house that holds so many memories, both good and bad. The memories that are also painful, the ones that tore my little teenage heart into pieces.
“Zander,” I can hear her voice chanting his name—
“What are you thinking about?” Zander shakes me from the memory, but it’s too late. My stomach cramps and I feel the blood rushing from my face. I can still see him in his boardroom, pointing at the evidence, while he believed her lies. I never felt adequate next to Carrigan when I was young. As an adult, it was proven to me again how much her charm and their history could overrule anything Zander and I were building.
“Nothing,” I manage to choke out and move to flee the room. I make it half way down the hall before Zander’s hands are on my shoulders spinning me to face him. My back is to the wall and he sees my shame. Tears gather on my lashes.
“Tell me,” He breathes, his fingers tipping my chin so I’m forced to look at him. It hurts, and it’s too hard. “Amelia…”
“I don’t want to live in the home where all my memories of you are tainted by the contract, and by her. On all my special days, you were with her. And even now, this house…I saw you,” I cry, my chest heaving, “I can’t forget Zander. You never chose me.”
His hands cradle my face, his body presses me to the wall, so I can’t flee from him like I want too. I need space, a few walls and a door between us. Coming here was a mistake. “I promise nothing happened. I swear to you, Amelia, I haven’t touched anyone else in years, since I found you again. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that I love you, or that you are the one for me. I’m sorry I believed the lie, and that I was full of pride that day. You are all that matters to me. You and Asher are my life. I love you, Amelia, please.”
I try to pull away, his words feel like daggers in my chest. He loves me, but he hurts me. He wants us, but almost threw us away. “Please don’t make me do this.”
His forehead drops to mine while he breathes my air. I’m forced to take in his as well. Zander is all around me, with my body caged to the wall. The nerve endings in my skin relish the contact. My mind is screaming for me to run. My gut says to stay. My heart is tearing itself in two wanting to please every part of me.
“Trust me,” His lips say against my forehead followed by a kiss. Zander pulls back far enough for me to see the way his golden eyes smolder for me. I gasp right as his lips drop to mine. I missed this. Somehow my hands pull him closer instead of pushing him away. I grind into him and eat up the way he growls against my lips. This is so wrong. It’s not what I want but my body is screaming not to stop. I craved intimacy when I was pregnant. I dreamt of Zander. I wanted him to take away the pain and suffering, even though he was the cause. Part of me believes I’ll never move on, that he is so engrained inside my soul, I can put mountains, oceans, continents between us, but I will still yearn for him.
It’s that thought that forces me to break my lips away from his. We’re both breathing heavily. His hands are in my hair, on my bare skin. My hands are clutching his shirt and my leg is wound around his waist. I let go, jumping out of his hold.
“Amelia–”
“Oh my god!” My hands cover my bruised and puffy lips.
“Don’t think,” Zander reaches for me and I move back, “Baby, don’t shut down. I’m sorry. I will spend every day telling you how sorry I am if it helps. I love you. This is right.”
“Stop saying you love me,” I’m shaking, “This isn’t about us. It’s about Asher!”
“Asher is part of us,” He moves to me again, stalking me down the hallway, “I want both of you every day. I want us to be a family. I can be a parent, Amelia. I will love our son forever, and give him everything. But I need you. You are the other half of my soul, Amelia.”
I run. I hide. Zander lets me. Even when Asher wakes up, Zander gives me my space. I shower, and fall asleep on the bed, too exhausted to fight him. Not once in my mind do I question Asher’s safety. I only question my sanity, and if I can make this work for the next four weeks.