SWNOVELS Flawed Heart: Chapter 38
I’d planned for the past eight months how this moment would go. Never did I think it would be in my home, at Christmas, with Asher already here. I had just gotten home from the hospital two days ago. York tried as hard as he could to get here sooner, but there were no available flights. I didn’t mind though. Tabbi and Manning kept me company in the hospital, and all the nurses were supportive when I was on my own. I was tired, sore, and just in the mood to sleep. I wanted today with my baby. Zander being here, in my house, and saying all these things that didn’t make sense was not at all how I thought things would go.
Zander’s eyes flash to mine in shock, “My son?”
I sigh in frustration and move out of his grip. Asher is starting to cry, and I know he’s fully awake now. I can feel Zander and York hot on my heels, following into the living room. The bassinet is by the couch. I grab Asher from inside and hold him, until his crying stops. Turning to Zander I place Asher in his arms. On instinct Zander’s arms cradle our baby.
“Asher, this is your daddy,” I coo at my precious baby until he gives me a gurgly smile. I take his hat off so Zander can see just how much like him his son looks. His head is full of black hair, they have the same nose and ears too. Asher’s eyes are like mine, but that is the only similarity we share. Fate played an evil trick giving me the exact replica of Zander, however there is no denying Asher is his.
I watch as Zander falls completely in love with Asher. His eyes get glassy, and his jaw quivers slightly. They lock gazes and it’s like I’ve completely disappeared. I get tears in my eyes. This secret has weighed heavily on me. Even though I never wanted him to find out this way, I’m relieved that now Zander knows. I can plan the next phase of my life, and how we’ll take care of Asher. My eyes slide to York who’s watching me. I can see the concern on his face. He thinks I’m falling for Zander again. That I’ll be hurt. I give him a small shake of my head. I will never be that stupid again and fall for Zander Knight. But we share a child. He’s forever tied to me through Asher. If he plans to stick around I guess.
“Hey buddy,” Zander speaks to Asher and my heart melts.
“He was born on the twentieth,” I tell him, “He was seven pounds and nine ounces. Twenty-one inches long.” Zander listens and rocks Asher so he stays content. His eyes never leave his son.
“I’m going to get to bed. Call for me if you need anything,” York looks between me and Zander. I nod my head at my brother, who squeezes my shoulder as he passes by me.
When it’s just the three of us, Zander finally speaks, “If I had known, Amelia…”
“Zander I called, I sent emails, I even sent the sonogram picture certified so you had to sign for it,” I manage to keep my voice low even while anger bubbles in my chest remembering how desperate I felt these past few months. “Every time something new happened, or there was an appointment, I tried to communicate with you.”
Zander’s face turns stony, his jaw muscle flexing, “I never got anything from you Amelia. If I had, I would have talked to you. I would have been here.” His voice is harsh and Asher starts to wiggle in his arms.
“He needs a bottle and then he’ll probably sleep,” I reach for Asher and Zander gives him to me willingly.
The anxious feeling in my chest eases slightly with Asher back in my arms. It’s not that I believe Zander would take him from me, but now the reality of co-parenting is setting in, and I have no idea how we’ll manage this with an ocean between us. Zander is watching me when I look back at him. I notice, for the first time, he looks exhausted. If he and York were on the same flight they’ve barely slept, plus there is the time difference.
“Are you staying at a hotel?” I ask, bouncing Asher and leading Zander to the kitchen where his bottles are.
Zander shakes his head, “I have one, but now that I know about him…I can’t leave yet Amelia.”
My head bows while I grab the milk from the fridge and pour it into the bottle before warming it. Asher stares at me while I work, as if he can see the conflict brewing inside me. I should offer to let him stay here. Tomorrow is Christmas, and its Asher’s first Christmas. Yet the thought of being in the same house as Zander, and sharing this holiday with him makes my stomach roll and my anger flare. There is too much history to let everything slide. I can’t play happy family with him, but I also can’t deny him this time. I tried so hard to let him know, and now he does. He already missed out on Asher’s birth. I think my guilt would consume me if he missed out on more because of me.
“I have another spare bedroom upstairs. It’s a loft technically, but there’s a futon in there for you to sleep on. Spend Christmas with your son,” I exhale through the words. If Zander can see the pain and conflict on my face he doesn’t comment. Instead he breathes what sounds like a sigh of relief.
“Thank you,” He nods at the bottle, “Can I watch while you feed him and lay him down?”
“Sure,” I manage to say, and grab the bottle from the warmer. With anxiety brewing in my stomach, I head towards my room and Zander follows. I dim the light and sit in the new rocking chair in the corner. Zander looks around the room, taking in all the baby furniture currently inhabiting it, before sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Is he a good eater?”
“He loves to eat,” I chuckle softly, “This won’t take too long, then he’ll be in a milk coma and sleep for about four hours.”
Silence flows between us until all we hear is Asher drinking. I have so much to say, but now is just not the time. Plus, I don’t want to know anything about our time apart. I know after the investigation ended Zander looked for me. He showed up at the concert and Ocean admitted what she said to him. I wasn’t mad at her, I know she meant well. Tabbi also told me about the interview. I never watched it, or looked it up. I know Zander did it to help me, and in a way it did. There was less confrontation, to my face anyways, and many vendors wanted to renegotiate business. It hurt my pride, but I took most of them back. The label needed it. Rise Above, The Kid, and Ocean Heart needed me too.
Eventually Asher finishes, his lips open and eyes closed, breathing deeply. I smile at him and when I glance up Zander is smiling at him too. “I’m going to lay him down,” I nod to the crib. Zander stands when I do and follows me while I lay Asher down. We both stand and watch while he sleeps.
“You should go sleep, I bet you’re tired,” I finally say, needing Zander out of my personal space. His eyes flicker over me, and I hate the heat it stirs. The flames are weak, but they are present. My body goes rigid until finally Zander nods and leaves the room.
Exhausted, and emotionally unprepared for what just happened, I collapse on my bed. I can’t believe I asked him to stay. At the same time, a weight has been lifted and I finally feel like I can breathe. It’s all I needed to finally sleep.
“It’s smelling good isn’t it Ash?” I grin at my baby as he lounges in his swing. The final touches for Christmas dinner are coming together nicely. Jingle Bell Rock plays softly from the living room, and my house is lit up with lights and my favorite candle. York and Zander are still sleeping, not that I blame them.
I glance at the clock and my nerves rattle in my stomach. I don’t know how I’m going to explain to everyone that Zander is here, and why I let him stay. Spyder has been on a rampage about him. Becks feeds into it. Ocean and Jade were on my side no matter what. Onyx was…Onyx. He’s a man of few words, but it’s with his help that I was able to hire a private investigator to help with my portion of the internal investigation at Knight Industries. Lori was phenomenal at her job, and had my best interests in her heart.
“Mom has just enough time to feed you then change,” I tell Asher and he watches me, knowing I said his favorite word. I grab him and a bottle and head to my room. After Asher eats he falls asleep. I quickly change my leggings and into a burgundy sweater dress. I fix the bun on top of my head and contemplate make-up when I hear the raised voices from the front of the house.
“The fuck are you doing here?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Stop fighting!”
“Get him the hell out of here!”
I run into the room and find Onyx standing between Zander and Becks. Spyder has a hand on Zander, and York stands slightly beside Zander with a hand on his shoulder. Jade and Ocean are watching off to the side, their eyes wide.
“Enough,” I tell them all, moving closer, my face flaming red, “I just put the baby to sleep and if any of you wake him, I’ll kick you out even if it’s Christmas.”
“You can’t seriously want him here?” Becks looks at me, his eyes wide.
“It’s none of your fucking business,” Zander growls.
“Mia! He ruined your life, not once, but twice. He missed your pregnancy and Asher’s birth. He’s already proving to be a deadbeat father!” Zander lunges at Becks and they both exchange punches.
“Stop it!” I yell and break in between them. “I said no fighting. It’s Asher’s first Christmas!” I start pushing Becks and Spyder towards the door, “All of you go! Out!”
“Mia, what the hell?” Spyder reacts, and even though he’s been calm I can see the hatred in his eyes for Zander.
“Everyone out!” I can feel the tears running down my cheeks. “I’m the only one who gets to be mad, and if I have to clamp down on my feelings for this day, you should too. I’m the only one here who just had a baby, I have three stitches in my vagina, and leaking boobs, so if anyone gets to act like a jackass it’s me! How dare all of you!”
I push the guys out, “York, you too!” My brother walks past quietly without fighting. Jade and Ocean follow.
I turn to Zander, but he’s facing off with me, “You stay.”
I slam the door shut behind everyone else. They can take an hour to calm down. Zander and I need to have words, and the baby is sleeping. My arms and hands are shaking from being so angry. “What are you doing?”
“He started it!” Zander holds out his hands, and I want to smack him this time for seeming so immature.
“They’re my family. It’s Christmas, you’re the one who showed up out of the blue,” I remind him.
“I never would have left you alone in the first place if I had known you were pregnant with my child, Amelia,” Zander grabs my arm and forces me to stand in front of him. Even sleep deprived and disheveled he looks gorgeous, and it’s really not fair. I’m barely holding it together, and I feel like garbage.
“I tried to tell you, Zander! I did everything I could to let you know. You were the reason we were estranged in the first place,” The accusing words leave my mouth before I can stop them. I didn’t want to go down this road today, but the topic couldn’t be avoided forever.
Zander’s eyes spark, “You didn’t really try everything though did you? Calls? Emails? Letters? Everything is so impersonal. Did you not have the guts to show up and see me, or were you hoping I’d never find out at all?”
“Excuse me?” I glare at him, yanking my arm from his grasp, “I did try to see you in person. I flew back to California and waited all night at your house. And when you came back you were with her. Both of you went into the house, and the lights never came on.” I can’t stop the sob that rips out of my throat on the last word. The anguish and pain replays nonstop in my head even on my best days. Zander has always had the power to destroy me, and he wielded that power without remorse.
Zander looks stunned and he takes a step back from me like it physically pains him to be too close, “You came to California.”
“I wanted to tell you. I hid it from everyone, even York. I thought you deserved to know first even though things weren’t okay between us. But you were already with Carrigan,” My shoulders drop and I feel the fight leave my body. Silence hangs between us. I chance a glance at Zander and find tears on his cheeks as well.
“Nothing happened with Carrigan, Amelia. I promise nothing romantic or sexual happened. I know I destroyed us when I chose to believe her lies, but I never let her close to me,” He shakes his head, running his hands through his hair. “I really fucked this up.”
I swallow past the burn in my throat, “We have to do what is best for Asher, Zander. He is innocent in all of this. You know the truth now. I never conspired against you, I would never have hurt you. We have to find a way to parent together.”
He nods his head, his head bowed, “I will. I know. I love him so much already, Amelia, I don’t want to hurt him, or you. I’m sorry.”
“I know,” I tell him, and I do. I can hear it in his voice, a sincerity and pain I’m familiar with. Sadly, it doesn’t change anything. Some wounds are too deep, and this isn’t the first time my heart has bled for Zander. I can’t just think about myself anymore. I will work with him to give Asher the best life, but there will never be a Zander and Amelia ever again.
“Can you forgive me? Can we move forward?” Zander asks, his eyes still on the ground.
I shake my head, “I can forgive you, but I can’t forget. The only way we move forward this time is for Asher. You destroyed everything in me Zander. I fought so hard to trust you again, to believe you loved me, to let myself love you back. I can’t do it again.”
“Baby,” He steps closer to me, reaching for me. My hands jump up defensively to stop any contact.
“Just be a good dad, Zander.”
Gold eyes jump to mine. I can see his pain, his fire, his determination. His arms band around me, and I’m pulled into his chest. My body fails me, and I rest against him, needing some type of comfort. “I will do everything I can to be a good dad for Asher. There isn’t anything I can’t give him. Don’t worry about me loving him. I would have been on the first plane here back then if I’d known, Amelia, I swear it.”
“Even with the investigation,” I scoff, my voice hiccupping.
He squeezes me tighter, “Fuck that investigation. It was the worst decision I ever made. I let my pride rule over everything. I was scared that the two people I loved the most in the world might try and use me, like my grandfather did. I know I messed up. I know I’m to blame for everything. I swear I’m going to fix it, I’m going to fix all of it.”
I shake my head and pull out of his arms. Zander lets me go, but there’s reluctance, “You can’t fix everything, Zander. Some things just can’t be fixed. I just want to enjoy today with my family, all of us. I want pictures with Asher, and I don’t want him to hear us fighting. Can you please let it go for now?”
“Okay, I’ll drop it for today Amelia. But eventually we need to figure things out. I only have two weeks of vacation, then I have to go back,” Zander explains.
“We can figure something out before you leave,” I promise him, “We’ll figure it all out as we go, but I believe we can do this.”
Zander nods, his face contemplative, and his eyes burn through me as if seeing all my inner thoughts. He knows I’m trying to pull away and make this as least messy as possible. I don’t want him to be there for me, he just needs to be there for Asher.
“I’m going to tell them all to come back so we can eat. Be chill, okay?” I sniffle and rub under my eyes.
“Yeah. Yeah, okay,” He backs up and heads back up to the loft. I hear the bathroom door click and the shower kicks on next.
“You can do this,” I mentally high-five myself, and send a text to Jade and Ocean.
Within ten minutes everyone is back inside my home. Becks and Spyder apologize after I scold them. I get my hugs, my head kissed, and extra squeezes from the girls. I try hard not to cry when York tells me he’s proud of me. Zander comes back downstairs, showered and dressed. He and York get along amicably, and everyone turns into gooey puddles of baby-talk and silly faces once Asher is awake again. He gets passed around until he ends in Zander’s arms. Zander refuses to let him go and acts as the doting father the rest of the evening. Butterflies take flight in my stomach every time I look at them together. It really isn’t fair.
We get to presents, and after, everyone finds a place to relax while I put Asher to bed. It’s a giant slumber party when I return, and my heart squeezes. My friends. My family. This day is perfect and I need to take it all in. The next two weeks are going to be trying while Zander and I find our new normal. I never thought things would be this way. Then again, I broke my own promise to myself after I broke the contract, I let him in. I fell in love with him. And just like our history, we were always destined to hurt each other.