SWNOVELS Flawed Heart: Chapter 11
20 years old
Idon’t give it another thought before I send my phone sailing through the air, over the bluffs and into the ocean. I’m sure I’ll care in another hour, when I need to make a call. Or tonight, when I need my alarm, so I can get up in time for class tomorrow. Right now, I don’t care. I don’t feel anything, but the soul-crushing, bone-deep agony of loss. I can’t cry, I can’t scream, my voice refuses to work. Sometimes silence is louder than a scream. I should have left it alone. To be fair, I hadn’t been back on Instagram since last year’s debacle. I didn’t need Instagram this time. It was all over our college webpage and the Alumni page. Zander and Carrigan are getting married. A picture of them out, dressed to the nines, and celebrating was paraded in front of my face, without me even trying. As if the universe wanted to remind me again of what was at stake, and that I lost the man I loved, who never really loved me. The picture was taken by a friend and I could easily guess who that was. The first person to also write his congratulations to the happy couple. My brother. For some reason, that fact cuts deeper.
My heart races in my chest; I feel out of control. Shaken. On the verge of crying, but I just can’t make myself. Everything hurts inside. My arms wrap around my waist, and I breathe deeply in and out. The image may be physically out of my hands, but it is forever imprinted on my mind. “Shit,” I mutter to myself, once again realizing that I’m probably going to be running late. With one more look out at the orange horizon, I spin around and jog back down the trail to where my car is waiting. By the time I get there, some of the pent-up energy has left my body, leaving a reckless form of adrenaline in my veins. I need a change. I need something to bring myself peace.
Twenty minutes later, I duck into a hair salon, without an appointment, and all but beg the stylist to take pity on me. I drag my broken heart into it, and she caves. I can tell she’s a true romantic, as she tells me all about how a new hair color can change my fate. Feeling daring, I go with her suggestion. Almost two hours later, my long, blonde locks are now rose-gold.
“This is your color,” she tells me, smiling. I can’t help but agree with her. The color manages to make my tanned-skin look golden, and brings out the natural pink tinge to my cheeks. The green in my hazel eyes becomes more lagoon blue. I pay her for helping me let go of this terrible day and drive back to my flat.
“Oh my god, where have you been?” Monica asks me, her cell phone in hand, before stopping what she’s doing completely. Her eyes widen.
“Does it look bad?” I ask, suddenly losing all the confidence I had a few minutes ago.
“You look fine as fuck, babe! When did you do it?” She walks over and grabs a piece of my hair.
“Just now, that’s why I’m late,” I tell her as if it makes perfect sense to randomly get my hair colored on a Saturday night, when we’re supposed to be on our way to a concert.
“Tabbi!” Monica yells, “she’s here!”
Tabbi comes running down the stairs and stops when she sees me. “Wow!”
“Right? She looks sexy as fuck.” Monica smiles.
I turn to my best friend, trusting her to be the mirror of my soul and give it to me straight. I see the look in her eyes; she knows my heart is breaking already. “This is a beautiful color on you.” She reaches out to hug me, and I go willingly into her arms, clutching her hard against my chest.
“Silvi said the guys are going on in thirty,” Monica chimes in, pulling me from my funk.
“Shit, I’ll be right back.” I run up the stairs while Tabbi giggles.
“It’s not like they’d start without her anyways.” I hear Monica say, but I’m too far away, and honestly, she’s right.
After hearing Rise Above last year at the Cuckoo Nest, my life changed. I regained a piece of my old self and my love for music. Spyder wasn’t joking when he said he would call me the next day. He did and I made their show in a neighboring location. Afterward, we met up and the three of us talked music all night. It felt like a balm on my soul. Gradually, I’ve been singing again. Mostly to myself, but it counts.
Spyder and Becks have become important people in my life. We hang out on the weekends, when I’m not in class or working. Sometimes Spyder will surprise me at the shop, bringing coffee for me and Fletcher. During the week, the guys work part-time at Spyder’s uncle’s law firm, then work on their music the rest of the time. They treat me like the brother and friend I’ve been missing in my life for years. I love these guys, and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them. Luckily for me, they seem to feel the same way. With access to lawyers and a law library, we’ve spent hours looking over the contract and talking through scenarios with his uncle…for free. Yes, they know all about my history, my brother and Zander.
Glancing in the mirror, I twist from side to side, examining the rose hue of my hair. I know when they see me, they’re going to know it was in response to the article. It’s not like it was a secret. For some reason, guilt slithers in my veins, but I don’t know why. Shaking my head, I quickly pull off my joggers and slide on a lilac purple bodysuit, then throw on a pair of ripped jeans. The venue tonight is outdoors, and it’s been chillier the past few nights. On my way back downstairs, I step into my white Vans and grab my favorite necklace and chain bracelet.
“Ready?” Tabbi asks, and I nod. I didn’t get much of a chance to fix my makeup, but tonight, I’ll just have to fake it till I make it. I must not look too terrible, if Tabbi is letting me walk out of the house this way. We rush out the door and into the Uber that is waiting for us. Monica gives the driver the address, and we’re off.
“Hey, don’t lose me tonight okay,” I joke, “I don’t have my phone.”
Tabbi eyes me weirdly. “I’d say we can go back and get it, but if we do, we’ll really be late,” Monica answers from her spot in the front seat. I don’t comment or mention that there is no way to get it, unless she’s combing the bottom of the ocean floor. In hindsight, it wasn’t the best move, but I had acted on pure instinct in the moment. It felt good to be free of technology for a few hours, but now I’m regretting my choices.
“Wow,” Monica says suddenly, and I turn to look. A line is wrapped around the entrance of the park. Security is checking bags and police cars are directing traffic. “They’re getting huge here.”
I nod excitedly. “They’re amazingly talented.”
“They’re also sexy as hell,” Tabbi responds, and I nod in agreement. They are and they know it. Becks is dark and dreamy while Spyder is light and fun. They’re tall, ripped, and they have rhythm. Spyder has a whole sleeve tattoo and a web design on his neck, while Becks, apparently, is sporting a dick piercing. I haven’t seen it, but I’ve heard enough girls talking about it. I’m so happy for them. Their dream is to play music, to inspire a crowd even once with their lyrics. On a random drunken night, I told Becks about how his lyrics inspired me on the first night we met. He loved hearing it, and he didn’t judge me. He only said that is what he wanted to do every night. I couldn’t blame him. As an artist, you only have so much time with the crowd, for them to enjoy your songs, engage in the show and feel the lyrics in their hearts. If he never saw them again, he at least wanted his music to stay with them.
Our Uber drops us off in the back, where Trisha is waiting for us with passes. When she sees me, her eyes narrow and she pastes on a fake smile. We don’t like each other, but I respect her since she’s their manager.
“Mia,” she says, nodding at me, fake politeness oozing from her voice. She doesn’t bother to address Tabbi or Monica at all; instead, she uses her fingers to motion us to follow her. With her back turned, Monica takes the opportunity to give her the middle finger. I laugh out loud, then cover my mouth quickly, trying to pass it off as a cough when Trish turns to glare.
When we finally get to the stage, my eyes find Spyder first. His favorite guitar is loosely hanging on his back, and he’s talking with Silvia. As if he knows I’m near, his head lifts up and he glances around. I take off running full speed at him. He sees me in time and swings me around once I launch my body into his, my arms winding around his neck.
“Hey beautiful,” he croons and sets me on my feet.
“Mia, your hair!” Silvia smiles and reaches for the long locks.
“You like it?” I ask, feeling unsure now that I’m in public and standing in front of Spyder. I haven’t seen Becks yet, but I feel him. He’s here somewhere, and it’s only a matter of time before he finds me too.
“I love it!” Silvia gushes.
Spyder’s strong fingers grip my shoulder as he turns me to face him. He turns me side to side, taking in the changes. I suck my lip between my teeth nervously. His eyes dip down to my mouth before flying back up to mine, a smirk on his own lips. “That won’t work on me.” His hand glides through the colorful strands and his smirk grows bigger. “This looks fucking hot, Mi. If you weren’t like my sister, I’d probably fuck you.”
I shove his chest. “Shut up.” His words work, though. I feel my shoulders relax, my confidence coming back.
“Has Becks seen it yet?” He cocks his head to the side, and I shake my head no. “This should be interesting.”
I don’t get a chance to ask what he means though, because the lights go down, and the bass line hums. It’s showtime. Trisha suddenly appears and ushers Spyder away and to the stage. I follow Silvia, Monica and Tabbi to the box that’s been saved for us, off to the side of the stage. Goosebumps rise on my bare skin, and energy pulses in my veins, beating loudly to the rhythm that Spyder’s guitar starts to play. I smile and take the drink that Silvia had been holding for me. Becks enters the stage from the opposite side of us, only a faint light is on him. There is smoke that seems to rise off the stage, which creates an almost eerie glow around him.
It’s the silence that made her turn to me.
A time you wouldn’t give, is another memory we make.
Her heart has never beat so loud, her screams are only for me, my angel, my baby.
Her halo isn’t tarnished, it glows, her soul is mine to take.
We dance to every song, the guys kill it with their new set. Becks’s words resonate in my heart and I can’t help but be proud of him. Of them. They own the stage and they’re creating a huge fan base with how excited this crowd is for them. No one has stopped cheering or singing along to their songs all night.
“Alright, alright, alright!” Becks talks to the crowd, “so this next song, our last song for the evening, was supposed to be the new duet with our girl, Jocelyn.” The crowd erupts.
“Unfortunately, she couldn’t be here tonight, so we’re going to improvise.” Becks looks right at our box, his eyes finding me, even with the stage lighting glaring at him. “So I’m going to need your help. My friend here has crazy good vocals, but she doesn’t perform. I need you to cheer her on for me, yeah?”
No. I shake my head and glance at Tabbi and Monica, who are laughing uncontrollably. Silvia is jumping up and down, smiling and taking video on her phone.
Becks walks to the edge of the stage. Tabbi is already pushing me to the front of the box. One of the security guards looks from me to Becks. “Help our girl, there, would ya, Mate?” I’m frozen yet, my body keeps moving. The security guy grabs my arm and my side and hoists me onto the stage.
Becks leans in next to my ear. “Help me out, love?”
“Becks,” I hiss, shaking, “I can’t do this. I don’t sing.”
“You can, though, Mia. You were born to make music, just like us. Trust me.” He grabs my hand and leads me to the center of the stage. The crowd is cheering so loudly, all the noise surrounding me blends together. I glance up at Spyder who winks.
“I don’t know the song,” I try again as a last-ditch effort.
“Trust me,” Becks says over his shoulder, and I almost miss it, the crowd is getting louder. “Give it up for my friend, Mia!”
The response is deafening. It takes all I have not to cover my ears. My eyes glance up and I give a small wave before turning back to Becks, right as the main light hits us. His dark eyes widen, traveling all over my hair and down my face, noticing the changes for the first time. I watch as a smile tugs at his lips and he winks then leans into the mic. “We’re going to play a little something different, but something Mia here knows by heart.”
My adrenaline sings, my body tuning in as the music starts. Becks leads the first few verses of “Closer” by the Chain Smokers. I wait for my cue, anxious and afraid I’m going to mess this up. Becks meets my eyes and nods reassuringly at me right as Halsey’s first line opens.
“You…”
I sing my heart out. I pour all my emotion into every verse and match Becks, line for line. When we get to the last part of the chorus, we’re both leaning into the mic, lips hovering, his body pressed into mine. I’ve never felt so alive, so powerful, as I do at this moment. Everything terrible about the past forty-eight hours melts away, and I’m able to pull myself back to the present. Enjoying life, just being me.
The lights go black, and Becks wraps his arm around my shoulders, leading me off stage. My body shakes in the aftermath, which only makes him hold me tighter. I feel the rest of the guys at our backs while the crowd continues to cheer and applaud. It’s unreal, this feeling I have, and I think I get why they want this every night. It’s intoxicating. Once we get to the ground, Spyder lifts me off my feet, spinning me around. “You were amazing, Mia!”
“Damn girl, that voice,” Conrad, their drummer, gives me a fist bump.
My cheeks hurt from smiling. I don’t even notice right away that Becks has me back under his arm until he leans in, his warm breath skating across the sensitive part of my ear. “I like this.” He tugs the ends of my hair gently.
I turn more into him, so I can see his face. Our gazes meet, and I flush a little from the way he’s looking at me. Becks has never looked at me with more than brotherly love, so I don’t know how to feel about how he is looking at me right now. Like he’s in awe.
“Well, I think this night deserves a celebration,” Spyder announces, once our whole little crew finds us. Everyone agrees. I move to follow them, but Becks holds me back, keeping me tucked into his side. My stomach tightens. Damn it, my heart even flutters. I ride with him to their condo, a secretive little hideout on the beach.
Soon, a small crowd turns into fifteen, then the pool antics start and the number of people doubles. Despite the number of bodies that continue to fill the home, Becks hasn’t left my side all night. Spyder mingles around then comes back to check on us, but Becks refuses to let go. If his arm isn’t across my shoulders then his hand is holding mine. Not that this is completely unusual for us. They both hold my hand whenever they can, and we hug frequently. I can’t forget how he looked at me right after we sang. I can’t even go find Tabbi to ask her what it means. I have no way to communicate with anyone without my phone.
We eventually make our way outside, stopping to talk to anyone who wants a piece of Beck’s attention. No one even bats an eye at how close he’s keeping me. I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t even realize who is in front of us, until I hear her voice.
“Did you mean to get pink or did the red not hold in your hair?” Trisha asks. Her question seems genuine, but I can hear the sarcasm in her tone.
“I think it looks hot as fuck.” Spyder slides up next to me, his arm sliding around me. Trisha rolls her eyes before walking away. Becks chuckles next to me.
“Is this what you were doing today? I tried calling you, but it went right to voicemail,” Spyder continues.
I shrug. “I lost my phone.”
“Is it dead? Did you try calling it to see if someone picked it up?”
“It’s at the bottom of the ocean,” I inform him. He leans back and shakes his head.
“Girl, you’re crazy. How am I supposed to reach you?”
“I’m getting a new one tomorrow.” I pat his arm gently.
“Lay off, man,” Becks laughs, “she could use the break from social media.”
Spyder pouts. “But how will I talk to her?”
“You know her class schedule and where she works and lives. It’ll be okay,” Becks reminds him, slapping his shoulder. Spyder chills after that, and I can’t help the giggle that leaves my lips. The noise instantly has Becks dipping his head to look at me. I glance up at him, my own head tilting in response. I want to know what he’s thinking. The guys exchange a few more words before Spyder is jumping into the pool with the others. It’s just Becks and me again, and that tightening in my gut is back. I feel on edge.
“Want to take a walk?” He turns and leads me toward the sand.
“Sure,” I offer, even as my feet are already shuffling along, willing to follow him anywhere.
We walk down the beach, away from the party, neither of us saying anything. A comfortable silence falls into place between us. A slight breeze from the water cools my skin but does nothing about the raging ball of nerves bouncing in my system.
“So the hair, huh?” Becks asks, and I know what he means. He knows me too well.
I sigh. “I felt out of control. I didn’t have a reason to be upset, and I should have known it was inevitable, but it still hurt. It’s stupid, I know. I just felt like another piece of the old me died, and I needed something new to replace it. Last time was this,” I hold up my arm with my Magnolia tattoo, “this time, it was my hair. If you knew me back then or know anyone in Magnolia Hills, this is a big deal. No one has fun hair like this.”
“Do you feel better now?’ Becks asks, his voice laced with concern.
I lick my lips, unsure of how to answer. Zander getting engaged kills me. I have no claim over him, but he is and always will be my first love. He’s not just the person I liked for the first time. I fear he’s the person I’ll never be able to completely erase from my life, no matter how much time passes. He’s my brother’s best friend, and to lose one of them meant losing both of them. It’s painful. It’s the type of pain that will make people change. I’ve been improving myself physically and emotionally the minute my plane landed here.
“I’m getting there,” I finally answer, feeling it deep inside that I actually am starting to heal. The process isn’t as quick as I had hoped it would be, but I am.
Becks stops walking and tugs my hand, so I’m facing him. His back is to where we came from. His hands come up to my face, cradling my cheeks, forcing my head back until our eyes meet. I’m reminded again about how different he is from Zander. From honey to coffee. His dark orbs latch onto my hazel ones, reading all the words I can’t say and offering me comfort in return. My hands reach up and hold onto the edge of Becks’s t-shirt sleeves, bringing my body closer to his, the tops of his thighs brush against mine. Becks’s nostrils flare before he dips down and gently brushes his lips against mine, silently questioning if this is okay. My eyes close, fearing I’m ruining the moment, and completely unsure of what my body is actually telling me. Slowly, my lips move against his in response and that seems to be all he needs before he pulls me into him, our lips completely fused. I can’t breathe, my heart pounds in my chest, and an ache grows between my legs.
He tastes like the cranberry energy drink he likes, with a hint of the whiskey I saw him take a shot of when we first got there. Becks’s hands drop from my face and wrap around my lower back instead, dropping lower, while grinding my body into his. A moan leaves my lips and my head falls back. Becks takes the opportunity to trail his lips over my jaw and down my neck. He’s panting by the time he reaches the space where my neck meets my collarbone.
“Please say you want this.” He groans into my skin, and I nod.
“I do,” I say the words, even while a voice in my mind screams at me. What if we ruin our friendship? How can we go back from this…whatever this is?
Becks lowers us to the sand, his mouth finding mine, as he rolls half on top of me, shielding my body from the breeze. My hands grab onto his shoulders, the back of his neck, anything I can hold on to, while my lower body grinds against his, seeking something I don’t know how to name. My inexperience is on full display. A red flush works its way from my neck to my cheeks. His fingers dip down to the button of my jeans, and I reach down, my hand covering his. “Wait!”
“What’s wrong?” He leans up on his shoulder. Concern shows on his face. I feel stupid. I don’t want to ruin the moment, but I need him to know.
“I’m…I mean…I just…I’ve never done this before,” I stammer through the words, unable to meet his gaze. I expect him to laugh or to pull away in revulsion. Instead, he just holds me, his hand cradling the back of my head.
“I know. You told us before, after a few too many margaritas.” His lips pull into a smile, and I facepalm my head. “Don’t be embarrassed. It’s nothing to be shy about. I just want you to know how much it means to me that you trust me with this. I don’t want to hurt you, Mia. And if this goes nowhere and we go back to being friends, with just this night between us, I’m okay with that too. It’s probably not the answer girls are looking for in these kinds of moments, but I want you to know, this isn’t a game to me.”
“It’s not a game to me either. I don’t want to lose you, if we do this,” I tell him, honestly, offering a piece of myself I’ve never shown anyone else.
“You won’t. We’re going to take on the music world someday. I can feel it. Whether we’re friends, lovers or both, I know it.” He shakes his head, smiling down at me, the last of my worry fading away.
Sensing my ease, Becks’s mouth drops back to mine. My lips match his hungrily, while his hand pushes my jeans down. I use my feet to help kick them the rest of the way off, while his skilled fingers find the snaps on my bodysuit easily. The popping noise is drowned out by the crash of the waves in the distance. Soon, I’m naked, only Becks’s clothes remain between us. His eyes swoop down over my body as he begins to explore with his hands, his lips and his tongue. My eyes close in response, paying attention to every little thing he does to me. I jump slightly when his fingers make contact with my pussy lips. The long digits glide through the wetness, before slightly pushing inside me. It’s just enough to make my hips lift in response and a moan leaves my mouth. I use my hand to pull his head down to my breast, where he sucks and tongues my nipple, while making me ride his hand. Tension builds in my stomach, and drifts lower, everything inside my body tightens, waiting for something I can’t name. I pant his name, holding his body to mine. Becks doesn’t let up. He keeps going, all the while watching my every response. I’m so close, I can feel my body wanting to tip over the edge and soar.
“Let go.” Becks’s voice rasps against my skin, and with another leap of faith, I do. My climax hits like a tsunami, always a possibility but unexpected in its power. My back bows off the sand, and my legs tighten against his hand. We’re both panting by the time my hips stop jerking. Our gazes lock, and I nod my head.
“I want more.”
Grinning, Becks reaches behind his head and pulls his t-shirt off, shoving it under my hips, so my butt rests against the fabric now. I help him unbutton and push his pants down. I watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. Reaching inside, he grabs a condom. I’ve seen them before in their packages, but never in real life. I feel oddly fascinated when he takes it out and rolls it down his pierced cock. That rumor is true. Becks shifts, so he’s between my legs, at my opening. This is it. Another piece of my old life is going to fade away. He braces with one arm next to my head, and the other, he uses to guide himself inside me. It’s not comfortable. There’s a burning sensation, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as I’ve heard it could. Becks’s breathing grows deeper as he keeps pushing farther in. My eyes close and I try to relax my body.
“Are you okay?” Becks looks down at me with concern flickering in his eyes.
I nod my head, “I’m okay.”. I feel too full, but I don’t stop him.
“Try to relax, babe, and let me know if it’s too much.” Becks gives me a moment to adjust before he starts moving.
“This okay?” His hips thrusting slowly, going deeper.
I give him a smile and wrap my arms around his shoulders. I start to move with him, meeting his body with mine, and pulling him deeper into me at the same time. His body quivers, and mine responds. My body stretches to take his and the familiar pulsing returns. A heat grows low in my stomach, stronger, more urgent than before.
I run my fingers down his back, and Becks groans in response. He adjusts my leg, opening me wider, and resting my leg on his hip. He begins to move with more power, and his teeth clench. Right as his hips grind into me, my orgasm comes quick. I cry out in pleasure as Becks goes harder. After a few more seconds, he tenses, his black eyes closed, and then he sinks into me, his forehead resting against my shoulder. My body feels relaxed, sedated. A calm I’ve never experienced settles over me. I want to stay here forever, except the longer we lie there, the more I become aware that sand is sticking to me everywhere. A small giggle escapes.
“I didn’t do that right if you’re laughing.” Becks looks at me, a challenge sparking in his gaze.
I shake my head, trying not to laugh harder. “Sand. It’s everywhere.”
Becks looks down our bodies then all around us. His body shakes, and I realize then he’s laughing. He pulls out and helps me grab my clothes before taking care of himself. The fabric of my bodysuit scrapes against my skin, but I suck it up, knowing I just have to make it to a shower. No one will notice anyway.
When our clothes are intact, Becks grabs my hand and leads me to a path on the bluffs. The path leads us to the side of the house, right where Becks’s room is.
“Nice,” I tell him, and we high-five. Becks helps me in, and we take turns showering. Despite what just occurred, I don’t push for more. This is all new to me, and I have no idea how to proceed. Now that I’m thinking clearly, I hope Becks meant what he said. I can’t lose him. Whether we’re friends or more, I need Becks in my life. Always.