Falling Awake (Unbreakable #2)

I was upset when it started to snow in the evening. I was pissed when a bruise the size of a globe appeared on my butt after I´d managed to slip on the ice and fall as I´d been taking out the garbage in the evening. Damn, I was furious.

Because he was right.

No matter how I tried to calm myself down, the anger was slowly building up inside me. Because he had no right to worry, he had absolutely no right to tell me what to do! In fact, I ran into the history classroom like an unguided rocket when I saw him sitting there.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” I snapped at him, throwing my bag to my seat.

He was lucky that two of our classmates were sitting in the class too. Only their presence kept my anger under control, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to keep it down. And it took me a lot of effort to do so when a huge smile appeared on his face after I´d flew at him.

“Hello, Princess.”

Whatever he was reading, he immediately stopped, and I had his full attention. I wasn’t sure if I liked it - the way he was looking at me, the way the corners of his lips twitched.

“I wish you a beautiful morning as well. I see you slept well, “he said. Damn, that envoy from my personal hell was really trying not to burst out laughing.

“Why did you do that?” I decided to ignore his amused expression. I didn’t mean to keep him entertained; I didn’t mean to get mad even more.

“Because you don’t mind that you could break your spine. And I do.”

Interesting! That was very interesting that he knew right away, what I was talking about, what I blamed him for. He narrowed his eyes, a piece of seriousness appeared in them. Exactly the one that hid also in the tone of his voice. Still, it couldn’t be overlooked, how he was doing his damnedest to avoid laughing.

“Stop watching over me!” I began furiously. I began and I also planned to continue. But problem number one…

His eyes.

I got stuck, I completely stopped perceiving the time and the space too. When he was glaring at me like that. Shamelessly.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I shook my head incomprehensibly. It bothered me. Or not. Fuck, I couldn’t decide!

And the corners of my demon’s divine mouth now widened unhindered into a big smile, “Holy crap, Princess, if you were the goddess of death, I’d still beg you on my knees to take me with you.”

What?

What the hell?

I was pretty sure it was the upper end of the slit on my dark blue dress that was occupying his gaze right now.

Well…

I took a deep breath to ...

Fuck!

What did I want?

Something.

To scream, right?

Why is he still looking at me like that?

Why is he still smiling at me?

I couldn’t make a sound. Even a tiny beep. Not when he raised his sight, when he imprisoned me in his eyes. Here, on the second floor, in the left wing of the building, in the third classroom from the principal’s office. That one moment.

I got lost, I lost myself and that was all. I couldn’t do anything else; I could just keep returning his gaze. Because he really was smiling. Because after a month of ignoring me, it was again my demon sitting in front of me. The flames, burning in his irises were so familiar to me. There was nothing I knew better than his beautiful face.

I was able to sigh heavily as I throw myself resignedly on my chair. Yes, I wanted to rip him off, I planned to say a few ugly words to him. But I expected him to yell at me too. I expected that he would be pretty annoying. This? This typical cute demonic behavior of his? That wasn’t fair!

“Coffee?”

What?

The only question that broke the silence between us made me look his way again. And there they really were, two familiar cups standing on the desk in front of him. And my not-mine demon didn’t hesitate to take one of them and handed it to me.

“Did you buy me coffee?”

But he just shrugged, seeing my utterly confused expression. “It’s Tuesday, Dove.”

Tuesday?

Does he still follow the Starbucks tradition?

Dear Lara, this is your brain, the thing in your head. He sent you away, remember? He called you a mistake, didn’t you forget? He lied to you!

“Why do you keep calling me that?” I snorted.

His gaze dropped to the ground for a moment, as if he thought about it. However, immediately afterwards, he returned his attention to me. And said softly: “Because you are my Dove. You always will be.”

I fell silent.

Not because of the coffee he kept offering me, not because of his sudden different attitude. His words, his confession, yes, it silenced me. But the tenderness that dominated his deep brown eyes at that moment took my breath away.

I didn’t understand myself, that was already clear to me. However, I now didn’t understand him as well. He confused me, damn, he did! I wanted him to stop all this weird act. He made it clear to me that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore.

But Lara, if he doesn’t care about you, why wouldn’t he just have let you go with Colin? Why would he have bought you coffee, acted like this? Why would he have told you such things? Don’t you want to find out? With love, your heart.

I reached out. The awesome scent hit me in the nose, and I couldn’t resist it. Caffeine wasn’t made to be rejected.

Never.

I always loved the second period on Tuesdays. Five minutes, a moment I and my demon always stole for ourselves before Kyle came. And another forty-five minutes we spent together in one room.

And now?

Now, here, on the second floor, in the left wing of the building, in the third classroom from the principal’s office, at the fifth desk in a row by the window, I had everything I’d ever wanted. Him, my not-mine demon, the only guy I’d ever loved. It must have been two feet, that divided us. I could just reach out my hand and I would have touched him. I could just pretend as if nothing had happened. As if nothing had ever stood between us.

The way he pretended.

But no.

I wasn’t able to do so.

The pain in my chest didn’t let me.

I saw my neighbor coming, as I reached out for my bag. He was saying goodbye to some blond boy who had Jim’s favorite soccer club´s logo on his T-shirt. It was about to end. My five minutes, the moment, when we were alone.

Yes, it was really over.

“You know,” I said as I pulled out my wallet, “I’m gonna go with Colin. It’s my decision and there is nothing you can do about it. You deprived yourself of the privilege to take care by your own free will.”

He became serious again. The amusement disappeared from his eyes as he narrowed them at me. He took a breath, but I couldn’t let him speak. I couldn’t let him interrupt me.

“I don’t want to owe you anything,” I put the money for my coffee on his desk. “I don’t want anything to bind me to you. I don’t know what this all is about, Eric, but I’m not interested.”

The sparks that were smoldering in his irises died, and dejection crept into them instead. But I couldn’t let myself to think about it.

“Hi Eric.”

Thank God Kyle was here! I never managed to get my gang and my demon together, yet they accepted each other. Only Kyle occasionally exchanged a few words with Eric, and judging by his current smile, I assumed that Jessica had kept my confession to herself.

“How are you? How were your holidays?”

“Same old, same old. I stayed at home with my family. What about you?” A smile returned to his lips, but I knew better. I knew him. I knew him too well to notice that he was pretending. That he wasn’t telling Kyle the whole truth. That it was just a formal answer to his question.

“Awesome, man! I’d totally appreciate at least one more week off.” Kyle threw himself on a chair next to me and turned to face me. “What about you, girl? We missed you, you know that, right? Jessica was already counting down the days till your arrival. I wonder if she would do it if I was gone.”

He made me laugh. And perhaps I would have kept laughing as I listened to his vivid description of him trying to get a present for my best friend at the last moment. And perhaps I would have cheered up, perhaps I would have even relaxed. If I could have suppressed the stupid urge to return the intense gaze of the boy on my right side. No, I could forget about all I’d said to him few minutes ago.

Because of the problem number two.

The despair in the eyes of my not-mine demon turned into determination. And I just knew that for him, this wasn’t over.

***

Eric Lestrad was the most beautiful, the most fucking sexy guy I’ve ever had the opportunity to meet. He could be damn captivating, too charming, and overconfident.

One of his biggest hobbies was to drive Lara out of her mind, to make her heart pound at a crazy speed, and last but not least to constantly buckle her knees.

He was an expert in taking away Lara’s breath, and embarrassing her. Also in causing too much heat she felt, replaced by a sudden chill. Or in starting the waves of electricity that flowed through her whole body. He held the record for the number of situations in which he forced Lara to blush. And recently, he decided to improve himself in rising her blood pressure.

To heavenly heights.

“Dove, c’mon, could you, please, smile at me?”

“Princess, may I look at your beautiful face for at least five seconds, so I have a better day?”

“Tell me, that you’ve missed me. Give me at least some false hope, I´m begging you!”

It was driving me crazy.

Even when I wanted to, even when I tried my best to avoid him, suddenly there was no way to do so. He always showed up from somewhere ready to provoke me.

“I thought I was going to die this morning, but seeing you, Dove, I want to live again.”

“Don’t look at me like that, Princess, I swear I’m not chasing you. It´s your divine scent that keeps pulling me to you. I don’t think I´m able to do something about it.”

It made me more and more annoyed, just because he suddenly acted as if nothing had happened. As if I hadn’t gone through hell for him. As if the last month had just been just a figment of my imagination. As if he had never let those sharp words out of his mouth.

I was upset, incredibly upset, only for his audacity. But it didn’t help either. I growled at him, I hissed, I snorted. I was trying to look disgusted. I cut him off. I rolled my eyes every time I met him.

In vain.

“Mmmm, Dove, you have such stunning eyes. Did you know that when you roll them like this, those sparks there are literally glowing? It´s fascinating.”

“Holy crap, Princess, I really like when you turn your back on me like that. Did I ever tell you how mesmerizing your legs look in those jeans?”

“Don´t do that, Princess, stop looking at me like that. The expression on your gorgeous face makes me think of a lot of dirty stuff. And my self-control is about to hang out a white flag.”

Two days, it took him two damn days to get me to the verge of a nervous breakdown. Yes, it occurred to me that I could, that I should ignore him. However, it wasn’t possible. The boy had it in him, I don’t know, some kind of weird power that made me always react to his presence in some way. Every fucking time!

He trained really brilliantly in rising my blood pressure values. He almost reached perfection on Thursday, at 1 p.m. when he sat down next to me at our course.

As if it was absolutely alright after you´d called someone your huge mistake.

Hello!

Does this sound normal to anyone?

I looked at him blankly. Damn, I flashed him the perfect version of a confused grin, yet he smiled beautifully at me.

“Hey, Princess, how was your day?”

I shook my head and just reached out for my coffee to see whether it was still hot. I didn’t want to answer him, I didn’t want to talk to him. Yet, as many times before, I wasn’t able to control the urge to let him know how I felt about his presence. “Pretty good. Until now.”

Whether my growl helped me?

“I missed you too,” he said. “We finally share a class together.”

I gave up. Because it was pointless. I tried my best to upset him, and he was still damn enchanting.

Lara, just shut up!

Don’t talk to him.

Ignore him.

Lara!!!

Heck! What were we talking about three seconds ago?

Remain silent…!

“Do you have a new phone?” I blurted out before I could hold it. But who I should lie to, this caught my attention. Because a new cell phone meant a new number and I couldn’t shake off that feeling that he´d wanted to erase me from his life completely.

So why is he sitting next to me?

Fuck, Lara, stop it!

And my not-mine demon let his gaze drop to the desk in front of us. It surprised me, it truly did. Because out of the blue, the amusement disappeared from his face. “Yes, I have a new phone,” he muttered quietly. “The old one didn’t work anymore.”

Old one?

What?

Did he by ´the old one´ meant the flagship from some kind of company I actually didn’t know, which couldn’t have been bought wherever? And because of that he´d had to wait two weeks until it was delivered to him? And I´d had to listen about all of its technical conveniences another month?

“I was dying to write to you every single fucking day you weren’t with me,” he sighed. He pursed his lips together as he kept watching the desk ahead of him. Suddenly I got the impression that he couldn’t even look at me. It seemed to me that the whole room darkened as his bright smile faded.

“I managed to persist until New Year’s Eve, when you texted me first.”

Excuse me?

“I threw it against the wall,” his shoulders dropped, “I smashed my old phone into a million pieces so I wouldn’t be tempted to write you back.”

Was he just trying to tell me that he´d ignored me on purpose?

I exhaled heavily; I swear there was no damn molecule of oxygen left in my lungs anymore. But I failed to suppress the tears. I felt them filling my eyes, I felt my heart leaving one or two beats.

“Then why are you bothering with me now?” I whispered.

I didn’t want to; I really didn’t want to let him know how it had affected me. How it still hurt me. However, to my anger, I sounded quite annoyed.

He looked up at me for a moment, for a brief moment before his face ended in his hands. “You’re mad at me, I know you are,” he muttered. “And you have every right to be because of the way I treated you. But Dove…, I…, you would…”

I didn’t understand him. I didn’t quite understand what he was trying to say when he spoke through his hands. But it was much worse when he let them drop off his face. When he imprisoned me in his gaze, forcing this moment to last forever.

“Dove, when you’re ready to listen, I’ll explain it to you.”

Photos from a beautiful autumn day had been hanging on the bulletin board behind him for quite some time. They were hanging there when I was used to laugh happily sitting here, in this place next to him. While my heart was pounding faster in my chest.

Was I ready?

Photos of a beautiful autumn day somewhere in the woods. Just like the one when he took me to his favorite spot, when he showed me the cliff. When he bonded me to him when he tied me to him forever. When he let me think that we were unbreakable.

He messed up my head just to take it all back. He made me believe that I was really important to him, only to deny it in a single moment. His words at the parking lot back then, I simply knew I would never forget them.

No, I wasn’t ready.

No way.

“Alright, today is not the day,” he laughed cautiously at my snort.

The silence that now prevailed between us sounded in my head louder than the Sepultura concert. I wanted to gather my thoughts, I so longed to sort them out. However, in his presence, it remained only my wish, I wasn’t able to focus on anything else.

“Thank you for the gift,” he broke the silence first, forcing me not to hold it and look at him again. I faced him just to notice sadness, a heartbreaking sadness that suddenly filled his irises. “Damn, Lara, you fulfilled my dream.”

Suddenly, I had the impression as if he wasn’t talking just about the F16 jet model kit I´d given him for Christmas. Suddenly my heart started to pound crazily. And even the acid wouldn’t manage to eat away my chest more than the feeling that spilled inside me.

“Thank you, too,” I whispered, “you made my dream come true, as well.”

He was still sitting by my side. As if the place, the chair had simply always belonged to him. Nothing changed. Just the expression in his face. I couldn’t find pain there anymore, now I saw something that he didn’t show so often. Or not at all. I saw vulnerability.

“Did you like it?” He asked breathlessly.

Fuck, that smile of his!

Did he have any clue at all?

That his smile had the power to melt me into microparticles, to completely stop my attacking stance against him?

“Yeah, I really like it,” I couldn’t help but smile either.

He blinked in surprise, and I froze as he leaned to me and let his divine face floating right in front of me. As he gave me an inquisitive look.

“What?” He asked, fascinated. “Is that a smile I see?”

I punched him in his shoulder with all my strength, encouraged by the week-long teasing.

Result?

He burst out laughing.

But the biggest problem was, I did too.

“Don’t get used to it,” I growled. Or at least I tried to growl.

He raised an eyebrow at me, oh, those sparks were literally glowing in his eyes as he winked conspiratorially at me. “I´ll always make you smile, Dove,” he whispered, reminding me of his words.

I shook my head in disapproval, though I wasn’t very sure what to say. Because he was here, next to me, and for a moment it was all as before. And for that little moment, I fell for him over again.

***

To finish math homework in the morning because I fell asleep over it yesterday? Done.

To put the book, I read during Christmas in my bag because I promised to bring it to Jess? Done.

To tell Jim what he should buy at the supermarket? Done.

To have a brain trampled to crap and a heart in a far worse state? Done.

I didn’t want to keep thinking about him. Yet, every single accursed second of my day belonged to him. It bothered me, it bothered me so damn much that I couldn’t even brush my hair without remembering what it had been like. When he´d ran his fingers through it. But I couldn’t do anything about it either.

I came back from rehab, and now, after three weeks of abstinence, there was a glass of the best twenty-year-old whiskey standing in front of me. I couldn’t help but notice him. And my demon didn’t help me with that either. Not when I still had him behind my back.

I didn’t understand him, I didn’t understand at all.

I would understand that he, unlike me, wasn’t that stupid and didn’t fall in love, even though he´d kissed me. I would accept that he got frightened, that he didn’t feel the same way about me. Still, I thought he at least respected me as his friend. But every single word he´d said at that fucking parking lot, refuted this conviction, and I refused to forget it so easily. I didn’t want to care that he´d changed his mind. Because of my faintly pounding heart, which kept reminding me that I should stay careful.

Well…

“No, Dove, I can’t be somewhere else. Then I wouldn’t see you. Why would I even get out of bed?” He raised the level of adrenaline in my blood vessels already in the morning, at my locker. Also, he refused to stop.

“Oh, Princess, I’m giving up. My whole existence, my life, I lay them down at your feet. Just don’t stop looking at me.” He kept the level constant at the limit when I wasn’t sure if I could control yourself and not to try strangling him.

“Dove, did I tell you today how beautiful you are?”

I wanted to avoid him, or at least ignore him. But swallowing an elephant in one bite seemed to be a more realistic option. His stupid smiles and burning eyes. Damn, those deep eyes and divine lips.

I was terrified when the time came. The moment that was dangerously close to ringing for the third hour – Biochemistry where we were still sitting together. It cost me a lot of nerves to enter that class, I was already pretty exhausted at 9:58.

Of course, he was already sitting inside, not giving me much space or time to take a deep breath at least. Yet I couldn’t help but notice. My not-mine demon was drawing something. He looked too passionate to notice me walking towards him, and I had to admit that I was fascinated watching him.

He certainly didn’t draw the hydrocarbon derivatives formulas on the paper, yet he didn’t allow me to peek at least secretly as he closed the notebook when I threw myself heavily on my seat beside him.

“Hello, Dove,” he greeted me softly, giving me a smile. And it quite surprised me.

Because out of the blue, I didn’t face his amused expression. Instead, my not-mine demon was serious. I didn’t like it. Just as I didn’t like how he didn’t stop staring at me.

Rightly.

“Do you remember the lookout tower where I took you? At the lake that lied beneath it?”

“Greydale,” I whispered. I wasn’t able to say it louder anyway as it was a flash of memory that hit me.

Hard.

It was the day before Christmas party. We wandered the mountains to return to a heated cottage in the middle of nowhere. I opened Jack Daniels’ bottle as my demon set up the figures on the chess board.

“Do you still have the picture? That we took up there?”

Damn, what?

“I’d like to see it,” he said, making my eyebrows rise into the heavenly heights. “Please. Pretty please.”

Holy crap, is kidding me?

Does he really want me to pull out something, I´d been trying to bury n the first place, just because he´d smashed his cell phone with his photos against the wall?

“Please.”

Fuck!

Of course, I didn’t resist those puppy eyes he was looking at me with. I hated myself, I hated myself for it, yet I really pulled the stupid phone out of my pocket.

It was there in my gallery, the picture he so desired to see. I, hidden in his arms, he, leaning his face against my cheek. His gorgeous smile dominated the whole photo. He looked satisfied and happy. But so did I.

With the hills that surrounded us, overlooking the lake below us, it was an incredibly beautiful memory. I didn’t want to look at it, I didn’t want to remember how perfectly I´d felt back then. I rather handed him the phone straight away.

I didn’t want to look at him either. Yet, it wasn’t possible to overlook how his shoulders dropped. As if they carried the weight of something unsustainable. The last remnants of his good mood disappeared, and the way, just the way he was staring at the two of us in front of him…

I don’t know.

It made my heart ache.

My sight dropped as well; I couldn’t have controlled that. Willy-nilly, I noticed the bracelet. The leather bracelet with one word. The rolled-up sleeves of his sweatshirt let me realize that he still wore it.

What the fuck did he want to achieve with this?

“I want her, Lara,” I heard him whisper. He was whispering, yet the plea in his voice was obvious. “Please, I´m begging you, can I send it to my phone?”

He forced me exhale heavily. Maybe I shook my head as well. Above him. Above me. Above both of us. At that moment, it seemed impossible for me to decide. Which of us were driving me crazier. However, when I thought about it, he was in the photo too. He had the same right to own it as I did.

“C’mon, send it,” I urged him. “I stop liking my phone being in your hands for so long.”

Even though Mr. Benett entered the classroom and immediately sought our attention, I didn’t miss it. A corner of my demon´s lips that shot into a crooked smile. A brain trampled to crap and a heart in even a worse state? Yes. Done. Completely done.

I couldn’t even say I’d look forward to that weekend because it wasn’t true. I just needed it. It was only the thought of those two free days which made my legs keep moving towards the exit after the class was over.

“Dove.”

No. Ignore it.

“C´mon, Dove.”

Sixty-five feet, girl, only stupid sixty-five feet left. You can do it!

“Doooveee.”

Or not.

“Princess, just so you know, you’re breaking my heart.”

I don’t know where my bag ended up. I had absolutely no idea where I threw it, how I turned to him. I needed my both hands to be free, I needed to mobilize all my strength so I could pinch him against the wall next to us.

“Why are you still behind my back?” I snapped at him. “What do you want from me? Why are you still provoking me?”

I understood, it was clear to me.

I realized that I had surprised him when he raised an eyebrow. But from the way he was shaking with quiet laughter, I also knew that he´d let me to pinch him voluntarily. That without his permission I would never have succeeded.

And the anger that controlled me reached a critical level.

"I am provoking you?” He whispered breathlessly. Suddenly it sounded as if I had completely distracted him. As if I accused him of killing the president’s son. And I would probably believe him his acting.

If I didn’t know better.

“Have you seen yourself in the mirror at least once this week? Cause the way you look would raise the dead.”

Here. Now. Hell! I was planning on spitting a lot of ugly swearing at him. I could have sworn the smoke were about to come out of my nose at any moment. Yes, it was bad how easily he made me stop controlling myself. His damn self-confidence led me to get rid of the last vestiges of any common sense I´d had. But the fact that I suddenly noticed that we were standing too close to each other now was much, much worse.

He, leaning against the wall, my whole body pressed against him. He narrowed his eyes at me, something flashed in them before he let them slide down to my mouth. Every deep breath of his, I felt his chest rise against mine. And then I understood, I knew what the worst thing about it was.

He was aware of our closeness as well.

It all changed within the snap of a finger. It wasn’t adrenaline circulating in my blood anymore, my anger turned to something else. Something that engulfed me, something that totally overwhelmed me. His scent, I could smell it all around me, his divine body that was touching mine. He let me taste the desire as he stroked my lips with his breath. When he leaned over to me.

“Damn, Dove” he whispered.

A brain trampled to crap and a heart even in a worse state? No, I was wrong. It could have been far, far uglier.

Lara, what are you doing?

“Where are you going, Princess?” I heard him behind me as I immediately pulled myself away from him and literally started to run. I couldn’t talk to him anymore; I couldn’t even look at him.

“Fine,” he shouted, “can you at least tell me what should I bring you tonight? Jack, or do you want a beer just like Jim?”

I froze, I stiffened. Hearing those words, my imaginary line of patience fell apart.

I had no clue how I got back home. I had no clue whether I wanted to scream, to break something or just lay down and cry. I ran straight into the house to meet my sleepy uncle, not bothering to slam the front door.

“You traitor,” I said to him without thinking.

He scratched his hair as he looked apologetically at me. He shrugged, confirming me the most frightening assumption.

“I’m sorry, honey,” was all he told me. I also found it remarkably interesting that he immediately knew what I was talking about without further explanation. “He softened me,” he added, as if it should excuse him. As if it should soften me too.

Great.

Absolutely great.

I could just wave my hand expansively. I couldn’t get a word out of myself. Not even a damn beep. He should be on my side, shouldn’t he?

“Are you still mad at him? Because he told me he was terribly sorry, and that he’d even take off his skin just to make things right with you.”

Oh! Awesome!

And did he also tell you what he´d done?

I had to take a few deep breaths, I needed to breathe at least for a while. But no, it didn’t help me. First Jessica, now my uncle. I was alone in this.

“Are you angry?” Jim asked in a terribly guilty voice.

“No. I don’t know, “I exhaled, defeated, getting my anger under control. “As if it wasn’t enough at school. The boy is driving me crazy, and you invite him to our house?!”

He frowned at me, the absolutely confused grimace my uncle flashed at me almost made me laugh.

Almost.

“I am driving you crazy?” A teasing voice intervened from the door. “Good to know.”

Holy crap!

And just so, out of the blue, my anger was no longer under control.

“Damn, what do you want here?” I snapped.

“You forgot your bag, Dove,” he winked at me as he laid it on the stairs. “After you tried to kill me.”

Jim’s face ended in his hands, he rubbed it, and then he shook his head in disapproval. “I need caffeine for this,” he said, and disappeared in the kitchen. He just disappeared in the kitchen, probably unaware that right now, I was capable of something that could cost me twenty years of my freedom.

“How exactly did I try to kill you?” I raged, focusing my attention on the reason of my raised blood pressure.

Who was smiling broadly.

“Well, first you pressed yourself against me,” he sounded strangely calm in contrast to me. “Then you breathed into my face. There was your bewitching scent all around me and the heat that radiated from your skin. And then, Dove, then you just left me there alone, ... ”

“Don’t even go on,” I interrupted him, “or I’ll really kill you.”

Oh no!

Not this!

As if all that wasn’t enough, my demon raised one eyebrow and the corner of his lips into a crooked smile. And I suddenly had no idea whether I really wanted to kill him. Or kiss him.

“If you use the same method,” he leaned over, “feel free to do so, I´m in.”

I was staring at him because I couldn’t look anywhere else. I was studying him because I had no strength left to let my eyes drop to the ground. When was the last time he stood here?

Wasn’t it the night he hung a diamond necklace around my neck? Exactly the night he told me I had turned his world upside down.

I was waiting, I was really still waiting for that second when the anger in me would explode. Yet, instead, it was just emptiness, absolute apathy that engulfed me. Suddenly, I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t give a shit, whether he wanted to tell me anything else, whether he still had something on his mind. I just wanted to be far from him.

I grabbed my bag, I walked around him, heading to the stairs. One step, the second, and a warm hand that seized my arm made me stop.

“I am sorry.”

I heard it; I really heard those words. Yet, I couldn’t force myself to believe them. Even though there was only desperate expression I found on his face as I turned back to him. No sigh of teasing anymore. As if he´d realized my change of mood. As if he knew he´d crossed my line.

“Is this some kind of joke to you?” I had to ask him. “Cause you´d called me huge mistake, remember? So what is this all about? Why are you keep haunting me all week? What do you want from me?”

I saw as he jerked when I reminded him of his own words. He closed his eyes, he didn’t let me to stare into the growing sadness in them. I thought that he´d given up, I really thought he would stop now, but then… He quietly spoke out: “I want you back. Lara, I need you back in my life.”

Aha.

You want me back.

No big deal.

Damn what?

And you are telling me it just that?

Do you have at least a little idea of ​​how fucking much a broken heart hurts?

“You know,” I shook my head, “if we were in a parallel universe where something like that was imaginable at all, I’d say those jokes and provocations are the worst way to achieve it.”

I turned to walk away as I had no more energy to deal with him. Everything I wanted right now was my room, my bed, my blankets. The third step, the fourth, no, I probably wasn’t meant to get there.

“Dove,” his suddenly so dejected voice stopped me against my will. “I’d like to spend tonight with Jim. But if you mind in any way, I will respect it and will not come.”

What?

Am I hallucinating?

Did he understand what I was trying to explain to him?

“No,” I looked at him again, unable to believe he´d asked. In a polite way. “I won´t mind. You don’t have to stop hanging out with Jim because of me.”

“Thank you,” he said honestly, “I’ll see you tonight then.”

I didn’t believe it; I couldn’t believe it. As if by magic, all his amusement disappeared, his ego was gone. And I watched the boy I remembered, leaving.

“Hon, are you alright?” Jim appeared next to me with a mug in his hand, forcing me to return to reality.

No, I wasn’t.

“Of course,” I lied. I could just congratulate myself on at least smiling at him. I shouldn’t have shouted like that, he´d been through a lot with me in the last month.

“I’m sorry I went behind your back,” he apologized, “I wanted to tell you...”

“Don’t worry about it, Jim,” I interrupted him, trying to sound kind, ”I am sorry. I shouldn’t have flown at you like that. It’s not your fault that Eric and I had a fight, and you have no reason to stop talking to him because of me.”

“Honey, that’s really mature of you, but...,” he began again.

“I truly don’t mind,” I didn’t let him finish this either. “What time does your soccer start?”

I meant it, I really meant it. Everything I´d told them both. Still, I was sure I would need mental training. Or anxiolytics.

“At eight, honey,” Jim smiled at me. “Eric’s coming around eight.”

🙕🙕🙕

🙕