Falling Awake (Unbreakable #2)

I was looking at the low neckline of the burgundy long sleeved top, which pretty much highlighted my cleavage. If I ever thought my butt looked great in my fuck – me jeans, then this half-thigh-long jean skirt was directly offering to do so. My hair was messy as if I´d spent a wild night, and the lipstick on my mouth was beyond anything I was ever willing to do with myself.

Girl, you’re completely out of your mind.

In contrast to the sweatshirts, I used to wear, I saw in the mirror someone I didn’t recognize.

Damn, what am I doing?

I was looking ahead of me, I even shook my head in an effort to understand what had led me to this decision, why I was ...

No.

Whom I want to lie to?

I knew very well why I was doing it.

I wanted to look good when I would meet him.

“Make him regret, Lara.”

I recalled Jessica’s advice. I recalled the words she´d said to me in the mall, handing me a black lace bra with a conspiratorial look on her face. I had to tell her; she was my best friend. I had to tell her at least the version I’d made up for Jim. That we’d got into a nasty fight. Because after I´d been spending every free moment with my not-mine demon, she would notice that we wouldn’t hang out anymore.

And instead of giving me some comfort, or perhaps an objective opinion, my dearest friend just picked similar provocative outfits for me.

"Make him regret, Lara. Let him realize what he lost.”

Only God knows why I´d listened to her.

I didn’t even want to meet him. In the deepest corner of my soul, I wished I would never meet him again.

But a single glance at the clock reassured me that I no longer had time to change if I didn’t want to risk being late the first day. All I could do was to take a deep breath...

And to try to survive.

The older elegant lady didn’t disappoint me. Just like any other morning so far, I saw her heading for the cemetery with a beautiful bouquet. Nothing changed for her, nothing changed at all.

Still, the heart in my chest suddenly couldn’t calm down.

It almost went crazy as I parked in front of the only building, I didn’t want to enter in the first place. And suddenly, getting out of my car posed a huge challenge for me.

“Laraaa,” I startled when Colin’s wide smile appeared in front of me. He obviously didn’t mind that it was the first day of school after a long holiday. “You didn’t change your mind, did you? We’re going today, right?”

I frowned before it dawned on me, before I remembered that we´d planned a test drive of his new motorbike today. The boy was literally shining, and it didn’t take him long to pass his enthusiasm on me. I smiled seeing the sparkles in his eyes. Or maybe I smiled as the relief filled my whole body. Because at that moment I realized that I still had my friends who wouldn’t leave me alone. That Colin was here, and I wouldn’t have to go to that ugly building alone.

“Don’t even doubt it,” I laughed as I finally managed to get out of my Peugeot.

And then I realized how stupid I was.

I understood what I´d done with myself as Colin’s eyebrows rose. It couldn’t have been more obvious as he looked at me up and down.

Twice.

I rather zipped up my jacket, trying to pretend I wasn’t aware of his gaze. Trying to convince myself that he actually wasn’t staring at my body.

However, I felt more confident, walking beside him toward the ugly building. During that three-hundred-feet-path, he made me burst out laughing at least five times. At the end of the day, I was glad he´d wrote me, I was glad I hadn´t hesitate to answer him. I was quite sure that the two of us would understand each other.

He opened the front door for me, and I smiled at him as I entered the dimly lit hall. I immediately reminded myself how much I hadn’t miss it here. I was 100% sure that thanks to the miserable light and the fact that it was too early for me to be out of bed, I would be soon overwhelmed by earlier drowsiness.

It didn’t happen.

At the end of the corridor, next to the entrance to Biology lab, next to a notice board with fifty-year-old photos of the school, I recognized a figure who couldn’t have been overlooked.

It wasn’t possible.

Even if I was blind. Even if I lost all my senses, I would have known he was standing there.

I stiffened, the smile on my lips froze as well. My vision blurred and that broken thing under my ribs, I swear, it wanted, it was trying to fly out of my chest. I just wished I was able to at least breathe. Unrealizable.

Because of him.

Fuck! Why him?

Not even damn five seconds I was here! And my biggest nightmare was already standing thirty-two feet far from me. Well, yeah… Fate could sometimes be a pretty sarcastic bitch.

Something in my mind was telling me that Colin would appear by my side at any moment. I knew I should turn around and move on, go away, go anywhere before Eric notice me too. But I couldn’t have done it.

I wasn’t able to take just one damn step forward, I wasn’t able to think. I wasn’t able to take my eyes off him. I wasn’t able to look somewhere else. I wasn’t able not to feel the desire to be with him that had tortured me every second of every accursed night when I’d missed him so unbearably.

Those memories emerged, hell, I didn’t even know out of where, but all the stupid neurons in my brain were buzzing. The world stopped, then spun, suddenly it was spinning too fast, until it sank into darkness.

My demon.

No more my demon.

I could have thought about this moment all Christmas, I could have thought about it countless times. I could have been preparing for it in my mind. It didn’t help. The whole effort to get prepared to see him again was useless to me. The attempt to pretend it would be good completely failed. My hope to survive…

It was dying along with my chance of happiness.

And I would probably stand there all day, Colin would probably find out what was happening to me. It would probably all lead to one big catastrophe. But thanks to Eric himself, I collected myself promptly.

He was talking to someone, but then he suddenly froze. He froze completely, I saw it. Whatever he was saying, he got stuck. And my heart started to pound furiously as he slowly turned.

And his eyes rested on me.

In that moment, in that second, I jerked cowardly. I looked away, and quickly, as fast as I could have, I turned away from him and stepped forward in the entirely opposite direction as was the direction I needed to go to get to my locker, to the classroom where I was supposed to have my first period.

Yes, exactly.

This is what fucking love does to you.

“Lara,” I heard Colin laughing behind me, “where are you going?”

Eh, dammit!

“I...,”

Holy crap, girl! Think! Think! Come on! Something!

“I wanna buy some caffeine,” I exhaled. I swear, I really sweated.

“Aha,” he smiled at me. “We will talk at lunch then?”

“Sure,” I returned his smile. At least I smiled at him for saving me this morning. For ignoring my disorientation. “See you later.”

If I get there at all.

Because the idea of hiding somewhere right now and staying there until class ends, seemed in an instant very tempting.

What the hell was I thinking?

That it’s gonna be fine?

I had absolutely no interest in drinking coffee, I was more than awake. But going to my locker in the usual way meant walking past Eric.

No way.

Under no circumstances.

Even if the road was lined with thousands of dollars.

Seeing him again was worse than an electric shock. I would have been able to go around the whole school even ten times, just to avoid him. That I was still in love?

There was no fucking doubt about that.

I don’t know how I survived my first class. I was sure that my totally uncooperative brain would rewind me the moment I´d seen him for the first time in three weeks at least ten thousand times. And indeed, before math was over, I felt completely exhausted.

I was hiding like a little girl.

I only survived the next two periods thanks to Jessica and Beckie. However, when I slowly but surely began to long for that cup of coffee, I decided to risk it and take a dangerous trip to a vending machine.

I chose cappuccino and no, nothing changed. It still took a long time for the machine to find out what I’d wanted from it. I just let my head drop into my hands and waiting for my hot deliverance to be ready it suddenly dawned on me. Suddenly, I realized how ridiculous I was.

Damn, Lara! It’s January!

You can’t keep hiding as if you did something wrong!

You’re gonna have to face him one day, you know that, right?

It’s gonna be alright.

You’re gonna smile. Or you’re gonna ignore him, simply pretend you have no idea who he is.

Theoretically, you’re still screwed. Practically, no one needs to know.

My gosh, how do I survive till the end of the school year?

A quiet beep brought me back to reality. I took the only pleasure I had that day and headed for my next class. I didn’t have the courage to stay here. Even when there wasn’t a chance, he would come to my favorite hiding place.

“Princess.”

Or there was.

Fuck!

I froze.

I’m I dreaming? Hallucinating?

No, I heard it.

Dammit did I really hear it?

That voice that had the power to break me in million pieces. And right now, I was pretty close to it.

What the hell does he want from me?

“Hi, Eric,” I said quietly. At that moment, I could have only wished I could speak louder.

Just don’t look at him, OK?

Please, don’t look at him under any circumstances!

I stepped forward.

“Please, don’t go…,”

One and a half steps, that’s all I managed to take. I didn’t want to, I didn’t want so badly, yet the dejected tone of his request stopped me.

What?

Did he want me to stay here with him?

I hated it, I hated it so much how my fucking traitorous heart suddenly came to life.

“Tonight,” he finished his plea.

What the hell?

Tonight?

The cup of coffee in my hand burned my fingers, as it was hot. My hair fell into my face as I kept staring at the ugly gray floor beneath my feet. And my absolutely useless uncooperative brain simply refused to understand, that my not-mine demon was here.

What the hell did he say?

Wherever my confused thoughts were running to, I wanted to let them run further. I didn’t want to care what he’d meant by that. But willy-nilly, it dawned on me and I understood.

He didn’t want me to stay with him.

He wanted me not to go with Colin.

I took a deep breath, I needed to breathe right away. I needed to suppress the wave of emotion that had almost overwhelmed me. Because I was upset for the feeling of disappointment that immediately passed through me. I was so upset that I didn’t realize it, I didn’t stop it. The huge mistake I made right after. Without thinking, without considering the consequences, I just turned around and looked at him.

Three weeks.

More than three weeks.

Every single day, hour, minute. Every fucking second when I was trying to forget him.

They were useless to me.

It was like falling under a too powerful spell over again. Like having a drink after a long time of abstinence. As long as I stood with my back to him, it was possible to resist him in some way. But now, now I got lost. Now, I ended back in my hell, back in his center, completely dazed.

As if he were really my demon and I never stopped belonging to him.

Those puppy eyes.

Again and again, it took my breath away. How divine he looked. Like when I saw him for the first time. He was wearing only stupid navy-blue jeans and a gray short-sleeved T-shirt, but it still took my brain a long time to figure out why he looked so fucking perfect in it.

It was Eric.

Period.

I couldn’t have controlled it, my sight dropped to the thin line of his tattoo, peeking out from underneath his sleeve. And suddenly I had to try fucking hard not to fall on my butt in front of him. Because I recalled how I´d been contouring this ink with my fingers on his bare chest. When he´d whispered in my lips how much he´d wanted to kiss me.

Damn liar.

He´d lied to me then, he lied to me even now. With the whole expression on his face. Because he looked gloomy, he was staring at me with despair in his eyes. And I knew I had a problem, a colossal problem.

He was still as beautiful as I remembered him.

Maybe even more.

Maybe a little more beautiful than I could bear at that moment.

If I thought it was hard to be in love with him and act like a friend, I had no idea what it was like to be in love with him and stand in front of him after he´d broken up our friendship.

This was a real torment.

“W-what?” I managed to stutter.

Great, girl, that’s enough for a start.

“It´s gonna snow,” he said softly, “it’s gonna be slippery. Colin doesn’t have enough experience to ride a motorbike in this weather. Please don’t go with him. What if he hurts you?”

Excuse me?

Without absolute control of my will, I raised my eyebrows and my mouth dropped.

Did I hear right ...?

Why...?

“And why is it bothering you?” I was shocked.

He took a sharp breath, closing his eyes for an instant. He frowned, as he always did, when hearing something he didn’t like. I’d say I´d pissed him off.

“Larissa,” he growled.

Yep, I´d pissed him off.

He wanted to say something, something else, but I didn’t let him. I couldn’t let him. The fear that he would start to yell at me again prevented me from doing so. I didn’t care anymore. That he was here. That he was talking to me. That I still fucking loved him.

“Thank you for your concern,” I tried to sound as formal as possible. “However, you don’t need to deal with me or my safety. I can’t comply with your request; I already made a promise and I intend to keep it. And now, if you excuse me, I’ve got a class to attend.”

Without looking at him again, I turned away, I almost run back to my class.

Till the end of the school year?

Naïve little-girl.

How do I survive English?

All my decisions to finally start behaving normally lay suddenly buried somewhere under the sand at the bottom of the Marian moat. I went back to hiding, I was too nervous as the last period was approaching. So much nervous that I refused to go to the lunchroom, even though I’d made an appointment with Colin.

I wanted to kiss Kyle when he agreed and let me sit by the window. I mean, if he hadn’t dated my best friend, I would have seriously kissed him. I talked to him for a while, but as time got dangerously close to ringing, I simply made an excuse that I wanted to read something before the class begin. And I tried, seriously, I try to focus on the book I was holding.

In vain.

I knew exactly when he entered the room, those goosebumps were telling me all about his arrival. And although I wasn’t able to take my eyes of the letters in front of me, as I was pretending to be reading, I was very aware of his piercing gaze.

I was very aware of each damn second of those 50 minutes when he didn’t stop staring at me.

I looked out of the window, I tried to hide behind Kyle, I looked out the window again, I studied the pictures in the textbook, I hid behind Kyle. And the fear of meeting him somewhere in the hallway after the period was uncontrollably growing inside me.

However, I didn’t see him anywhere.

Instead, I was pleased when Colin came to talk to me. For an instant. For a pretty short instant and then I wasn’t pleased anymore. As soon as I noticed the expression on his face. Something was wrong.

“Hey,” I turned to him as it surprised me. “What´s with the sad face? I thought you´d be thrilled!? C´mon, I want to see some excitement! When will you pick me up? Or do I…

“We’re not going anywhere, Lara,” he replied. And that was all, he didn’t say anything else, making my eyebrows rise to the heavenly heights. I mean, he looked a little bit confused, as if he was thinking about something. As if didn’t perceive the world around him. Not even me, as he turned away and just stepped towards exit.

What the hell…?

“Colin!” I shouted at him, trying to catch his attention. Trying to get at least some explanation. “Are you angry with me?” It would have made sense. I was the one who hadn´t shown up at lunch in the first place.

Fine, yeah, he stopped, I contented myself with that. With the fact that he didn’t even look at me – not so much.

“I´m not. Not with you, Lara. We can´t go. He´s right.”

Ouuukeey.

I guess…

Well…

No.

It wasn’t clearer to me even a bit.

I wanted to close my locker, I simply wanted to run, to catch up with him and make him stop again. I wanted a propriate explanation. I planned to force him to tell me why he´d changed his mind. But it was panting Jessica who suddenly demanded my full attention. My best friend who ran up to me. And the excitement, shining from her face, couldn’t be overlooked.

“Lara!” she blurted out. “You won’t believe what happened at lunch!”

“What?”

She surprised me, she truly did. However, I suddenly couldn’t shake off a bad premonition. That I actually didn’t want to hear that, that I didn’t want to know at all. It occurred to me that I could suggest her to catch her breath. But no, out of the blue, I couldn’t wait any longer.

“We stayed sitting a little bit longer with Colin because of those amazing cookies. You know, those chocolate…,” she got stuck, the corners of her lips twitched as she met my gaze. My pretty hostile gaze, which was clearly saying to her that she should cut the crap and get to the point.

“Yes, yes,” she raised her hands in defense. And then she finally spilled it out: “Eric joined us.”

“What?”

My voice flew at least two octaves higher, as I understood what she´d just said. Which name she´d just mentioned. And that bad premonition somehow grew even worse.

“Yeah,” Jessica nodded too vehemently to be kidding. “He came to see Colin. He asked him not to take you anywhere today. He told him that there would be bad roads, that he would be risking too much.”

“What?” I shouted the third time.

“He told him that if he wanted to kill himself, it was his business only. But he should leave you out of it.”

I took a deep breath. I took a deep breath again. But no, I didn’t succeed, it didn’t calm me down. I recognized the feeling that immediately passed through me, that was burning me from the inside. I was furious.

That jackass.

“When you think about it,” Jess continued, she kept talking as if she hadn’t notice at all, how I’d reacted to her story. “At least try to think about it, Ok? If he doesn´t care about you, why would he talk to the only boy he doesn’t like and beg him to change his mind?”

Just try…?

Wait… What?

Which side she’s on?

So many thoughts, so many things I felt in an instant, and yet, I couldn’t get a word out of myself. Not a damn word.

Because he went behind my back.

I said no to him, I refused to comply him, so he went straight to Colin to get his own way. I felt like a little girl who was incapable of taking care of herself and needed to approve her every decision.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Who gave him the right to decide what I could or couldn’t do?

Even if it was really dangerous, what the hell he has got to do with it?

At that moment, I was so pissed that I suddenly wasn’t afraid to walk the corridors of the school alone. Now, I wanted to meet him. If not today, then tomorrow. I was going to tell him what I think of him.

And no, it won’t be pretty.

🙕🙕