Experimentation

His lips touch mine hard, filled with a passion that is foreign to me. The warmth that spread through my body filled my heart with joy, my stomach flutters from his sudden profession of love. He loves me? Is that why it was hard for him to see me in that condition? Our lips move together as if they were supposed to be in this position on the day. Cade’s hands travel to my waist pulling me closer to him, I feel like every part of us is connected somehow.

“Izzy? Where are you?” Mona’s voice pulls me out of this trance and away from Cade. What the hell just happened? I sit down on the fountains end placing my hands on my knees, ground yourself Irisa. Stay calm and keep control, you are stronger than you believe. “What the hell was that Cade?” My breath slows as the breeze picks up slightly, Cade moves next to me placing his hand over mine. “I feel cheesy saying this but I’ve loved you ever since we met. You were my best friend and we used to do everything together. I remember I started to plan on how to ask you out, but then your mom had passed away. I knew that I had to let you grieve, so I put my plans on hold for the time being. Once I heard you were in the hospital for trying to kill yourself, I didn’t know how to feel. I thought I lost you, the girl I’ve been in love for all of my life, suddenly ripped from my arms. I was only 16 then and my emotions were all over the place, I had the courage to visit you even though I know I wasn’t supposed to. Once I saw you sitting there, I just got so infuriated. You didn’t apologize for doing what you did, you just asked how I was. After that I just lost myself, the next thing I remember is yelling at you for something I know was not really your fault. I vaguely remember getting to my car and driving away, after that, I told myself to never think about these feelings again. You were dead to me by then, my best friend had died. After leaving you, I became a shadow of my former self, I decided that the only way I could cope with the loss of you was to be this dick of a jock. I went with a classic high school cliche because that was all I knew, I started flirting with the whore of the school so that I would be seen as a player. Eventually, I became one, I remember when we used to make fun of those type of people, the guys whose egos were big enough to fill the ocean. I just felt lost, but then you returned, I wasn’t even told that you got released, but I know I didn’t deserve to be there. I could’ve let go of this ego I made for myself and just had my best friend back so long ago, but I realized once you got hurt why I pushed you away. I didn’t just love you as my best friend, the person I could turn to throughout all the abuse that my father out my mom and me through, the girl that made me laugh any time I even looked slightly sad, she wasn’t a girl that I could be just friends with. I realized that I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember and I couldn’t allow my feelings to be restricted anymore. I love you, I hope you feel the same.” I push his hand off of me, I can’t allow this. I shuffle away from him on the fountain, putting a foot of space between us. He kissed me, so what? I can’t push past all of the shit he forced me to endure, his bitch of an ex-girlfriend that fucks with my life going as far to break my fucking leg. “Cade, I want you to get up and leave me the fuck alone from now on.” I stand up, struggling slightly with my leg before facing him, his face turned down at the ground in sadness. “I don’t know who you are anymore. For all I know, this could all be some sick joke where your jock assholes that you call friends are gonna jump out and say ‘gotcha’. I don’t want any of this, if anything, I want my best friend back that wouldn’t hurt me, ever. But I know that it is not going to happen, just like I know this is a fucking joke. Never come near me again, do you understand me? Good,” I turn on my heels and march towards Mona’s voice.

The wind starts to pick up slightly, blowing my hair around my face. “Hey, I wondered where you went.” Mona quickly rushes up to me, gripping my arm slightly as she pulls me into a hug, she must have noticed that I look distressed. “Can we go home now? I don’t want to be here anymore.” Mona and I begin to walk to the car, she reaches for keys. “We left our stuff inside, I’ll go get them. Just hang here while I run in.” Mona kicks her heels off, leaving them on the ground next to the driver’s side door. I watch her quickly shuffle inside, thinking back to Cade. Did I ruin something that could’ve been great? God, I hate thinking like a teen from a romance novel, where the girl’s childhood best friend was actually her one true love. I don’t even know how I feel about him, I just wish I knew how my thoughts were for him. I can’t - I can’t just move on from Katrina like that, she has left this massive hole in my heart and I can’t heal it. I don’t want to, I don’t want to move on from her. She has been the main reason I am doing all of this, living this high school life. If I wanted to, I could’ve done this early graduation program and went right to college. I could’ve had a fresh start by now, away from everyone that knows me as the suicide girl. They called me Depressy Lessy, I don’t even know why, but I guess that name has left marks, even if I haven’t consciously thought of it in 3 years. I only heard about it through Facebook, I was allowed to go on the computer when I was first admitted to the hospital, but it made me cry and on suicide watch, any little thing can get banned.

“Hey, Izzy, wait!” Cade comes running up from the water fountain, halting at the front of the car. “What Cade? I just want to go home and go to bed. I don’t have time for this.” I lay my head against the hood of the car, I want this day to be over. “Look, I understand that -” I raise my hand at his words. “Cade, what happened between us was something purely formed out of lust. Yes, while kissing you I felt something, I thought it had passion. Maybe you do feel something for me, but I can’t push past all of the shit that had happened in this last year between us two. I don’t love you like that, I don’t think I will for a long time. I want us to start as friends again, okay?” I didn’t know I had that in me, and the look on Cade’s face says that he thinks the same. His mouth is slightly ajar, his eyes slightly pushed out, he looks in total disbelief. His eyes flash slightly with a conflicted emotion, but I can really care less right now. I just want to go home and go to sleep. “Okay, just friends.” Cade held out his hand offering a gesture of peace between us, I push my hand forward wrapping my fingers on the underside of his hand and pressing my thumb down on top of his. A little spark of energy pulses between us but my energy just seems to drain further, I swear I just need to sleep. “Goodnight Cade,” I let my head fall back on the car further and Cade smiles at me. “Goodnight Izzy.”

Mona walks with a slight wince back to the car, but her eyes are on Cade’s retreating figure. “What happened to him?” Mona reaches the driver’s side door, pushing in the combination to unlock the door. I should’ve sat in the car the entire time, but I was even too tired to get into the car until it was started. “Hey, Iz, just take a nap for a bit. I’ll wake you when we get to your house.”

The lights of the street begin to blur as my eyes get heavier, I tried to remain awake, but my mind had other plans. “Iz, we’re home. Can I crash here tonight?” Opening my eyes slowly, I turn my head to Mona and slowly nod my head. All of the energy is drained out of me, like a lifeless battery. My body just begins to sluggishly move to my room, barely remembering arriving at my bathroom. I strip off my dress, pulling at the tight fabric and slowly crawl into a t-shirt. Once at my bed, Mona is seen asleep in a pair of my sweatpants. Mona’s face seems different, more peaceful when she sleeps. No one troubles her in her dreams, but mine are plagued with memories.