Ethereal

Warnings and False Beliefs

We reached the end of Main Hall and stopped at the two oversized French doors that led to the girl’s dormitory. Matron Blithe opened the door for me and grabbed my arm as I moved to walk in.

“No more funny business, do you understand me? Do not leave this room again, or I’ll whip you myself.” Matron Blithe said. Before I could come up with a snarky response, she pushed me into the dormitory and shut the door behind me.

The dormitory was merely a long hallway with beds pushed up against the walls. There was one small window at the end of the room, letting in the only source of light. There was one string of florescent lightbulbs that littered the ceiling overhead, but if the Head Matron was right, they would never work again.

Some of the girls stirred when Matron Blithe slammed the door shut, but they didn’t wake. I could wake them up one at a time, but it would take too long. I didn’t know if Matron Blithe would be stationed outside the door, listening to make sure I went back to bed, or would pounce on me the second she heard noise. Even if she was listening outside the door, there was too much at risk for me to waste any time.

I needed a fast and sure way to wake all of them up at once, preferably without breaking something.

“Wake up!” I shouted, my voice booming across the hallway. If Matron Blithe was outside the door, she didn’t enter the room. I turned back towards the blurry-eyed girls that were slowly coming back to life around me, their foreheads scrunched together as they blinked the sleep out of their eyes. Time was running out, and there was much I needed to tell them.

“What are you shouting about, Nor? It’s not time to get up yet, go back to bed.” said Missy. She was one of the Matrons’ favorites because she could clear an acre of wheat by herself in less than an hour during harvest season.

She was tall as she was wide, with thick arms the size of a baby oak tree. The other girls were a bit frightened of her, and reasonably so. Last season another girl had tried to take part of Missy’s food portions while she wasn’t looking, and within the blink of an eye Missy had twisted the girl’s arm so violently that she had broken it in three places. The Matrons sent the girl away to a hospital, but she never returned.

“This is important, Missy.” I said, trying not to let the sight of her intimidate me. “You all need to wake up and pack a bag. I overheard the Matrons talking, and they said the Salt Lake Providence was taken by a rebel faction, and they think that the same thing is going to happen here. To us.”

Several of the girls were now sitting up, looking over at each other as they gave me questioning looks. I felt my cheeks flush in frustration as silence swept the room. They were debating on whether they should believe me. Sure, I wasn’t the most upstanding person in this orphanage, but I was far from a liar.

“And?” said one girl, finally breaking the silence. A shadow covered her face, making it hard to recognize her, but she looked like Bea. She wasn’t particularly fond of me for whatever reason. I never really cared enough to find out. “So what if Salt Lake Providence isn’t around anymore? Our Citadel can survive on its own. And even if these ‘rebels’ are here, what makes you think they’re going to come up here? This is an orphanage, not an official government building.” The other girls nodded along with Bea, shaking their heads in agreement.

I sighed. Of course they would side with Bea, but I didn’t expect them to react with such calmness about everything I had just told them. Even if what I was saying wasn’t true, shouldn’t they be just the least bit worried? I straightened my back and squared my shoulders, pinning Bea with a hard look.

“If one Citadel falls, it leaves the other two vulnerable. If a rebel faction can take down an entire Citadel, then what’s stopping them from completely destroying the government?” I said, my voice rising with each word. I could feel my face heating. I had been so preoccupied with trying to figure out how to escape the orphanage that I never considered the possibility that the other girls didn’t want to leave. “And let’s not forget where the government gets their food. If the rebels are smart, they’ll know that we plant, harvest, and store most of the food.”

“Maybe it’s better if the government isn’t around,” said Missy. The other girls nodded and several started sliding back down into their beds. “they sent us here to do their slave labor. Some of us were separated from our families – you were separated from you family too, Nor. Why are you defending them?”

A wheeze of a breath escaped my mouth. I had rarely spoke about my parents after I came to the orphanage, opting to forget everything that had happened rather than dwell on something that I couldn’t change. I looked around, and over half of the girls were now buried under their thick blankets and were smothering their faces into their pillows. I was losing my audience, and fast.

“Look,” I said, wincing at the desperation in my voice. “I don’t like the government or our Citadel any more than you do, but having some government has to be better than none at all, right? If the rebels do take over, we go into a state of anarchy, and they’ll be the ones in control.”

“And that’s a bad thing because…?” said Bea.

“You’re kidding me, right Bea? You all know why we can’t trust the rebels, right?” I said, looking wildly around the room. None of the other girls would meet my eye. Did they actually not know, or do they not want to know?

No one answered me. Most of the girls had pulled their blankets over their heads by now to try and fall back asleep. I felt a flash of anger sweep through me, and I sucked in a deep gulp of air.

“Has anybody ever picked up a dictionary before? Do any of you know how to read? Someone tell me what the definition of ‘rebel’ or ‘anarchy’ is. Better yet, why don’t one of you try and spell it out for me?” I said, my voice now bouncing off the walls.

“Nor, that’s enough.”

I looked over to see Missy half out of her bed, her hands gripping the bedsheet on either side of her. I had gone too far, and while a voice in the back of my head told me to stop and let it go, my frustration and anger won out. In a strange way it felt like the other girls were turning their backs on me, looking the other way because it was easier to ignore the truth than to face it.

“’That’s enough’? No, I’m just getting started, Missy. If you all are so content in your ignorant little bubbles, then maybe you all deserve to die anyway!” I said, and immediately wished I could suck the words back into my mouth. All the girls around me flinched backwards and away from me, as though I had just dealt them a harsh blow. And in a way, I did.

Silence returned to the room. The red-hot anger that had been swelling up inside of me was now replaced by an empty feeling that settled into my stomach. I didn’t mean what I said in the slightest, but that didn’t change the fact that I had still said it.

“I think that if you really want to leave, Nor, then you should leave.” Said Bea, her voice cold. “But no one here is going with you.”

A hollow feeling settled into my chest. I knew I shouldn’t have been surprised by Bea’s words, and that I deserved what she said. Still, the raw spite in her words made tears form in the corners of my eyes and a lump in the back of my throat. We might not be close, but these girls were the closest thing that I had to a family here. We all worked the fields together during the fertile months, I wrapped their hands in soft bandages when they blistered and rubbed ice cubes on their feet when they swelled from standing so long. All of that, and they still didn’t trust me.

“The power’s gone out,” I said, my words now sounded small. “and I don’t think it’s going to come back on. If we are attacked, the Head Matron instructed that none of the Matrons were to help you all escape. If the rebels do come, you’re all on your own.”

No one was listening to me now. Most of them were buried back into their beds, their snores echoing around the room. Others took one last look at me before turning over and pulling their blankets over their heads, blocking me out entirely. I looked at Missy one last time, who gave me a small, sad smile, and then laid back down to return to bed.

I closed my eyes for a moment, wishing the feeling of emptiness to leave me, before letting out a soft sigh. I padded over to my own bed, empty and cold after the long hours I’ve spent apart from it. My hands reached under the mattress and pulled out my leather bag, empty except for a pair of wool mittens and a ripped picture of my family before I had lost them.

I traced the lines of my mother’s round face, stroked the fur collar of my dad’s jacket to remember how soft it felt. I looked at my brother’s laughing face and searched through my mind trying to remember what it sounded like and came up empty. The only thing worse than losing your family was slowly forgetting about them.

Putting the picture into a small hidden pocket on the inside of the bag, I stripped out of my nightgown and threw on a pair of thick pants, a plain t-shirt with an itchy woolen sweater over it, two pairs of thick socks, and my work boots. I had very little at the orphanage, and as I packed the remainder of my belongings into my bag it began to show. Besides an extra pair of pants, a hat that was too small for my head, and a ratty pair of leather gloves that I used during harvest season, I had nothing else to prove that I had lived here at the orphanage for thirteen long years. With my possessions packed and my bed empty, it was as if I had never lived here at all. My presence was easily washed away after ten short minutes of packing, and the thought of it felt like a stabbing sharp pain in my chest.

I stood up from and looked down at the bed, wondering whether or not to take the wool blanket. It would be heavy in my bag but would keep me warm during the cold nights outside. I wasn’t even sure where I was going, but I knew I needed to leave.

After a brief moment of hesitation, I relented, folding the blanket before shoving it into my bag. It took up the rest of the room, leaving only a small area where I could probably fit in a few slices of bread and a bag of berries. I made a note in my head to stop by the kitchens before I made my final departure.

As I turned to leave when someone grabbed my hand, almost making me trip backwards. I looked down to see a small, pale hand in mine, with a pair of black eyes peering out at me from under a blanket. It was Elsie, the youngest girl at the orphanage. She acted like a shadow, following around a specific girl during free time and would stay close to their side while we planted seeds in the springs and harvested in the fall. Every day she shadowed someone new, and on the days she chose me, the walls didn’t seem so bland and the food didn’t taste as horrible.

I assumed she shadowed people in a bid to ward off animals that may be tempted to snatch her up when no one was looking, or maybe she was looking for a friend. Though I didn’t mind her following me, I had never given her much attention in the past and rarely spoke to her. But as her tiny hand gripped me tightly, she now had my full attention.

“Are you leaving?” she said in a whisper. I smiled. I knew the other girls were listening, and it didn’t matter whether we whispered or not, but I still leaned down to whisper back to her.

“Yeah,” I said, “I am.”

“Is it because the rebels are coming?” Elsie said. I could feel her fingers trembling. I felt a stab of quilt as I looked down at her face, and let my knees sink to the ground next to her. I didn’t mean to scare anyone, especially not Elsie. I briefly considered taking her along with me, but quickly abandoned the idea. It was too dark, and she was too small to make the journey in one piece.

“No, no,” I shushed her, and awkwardly tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. I wasn’t great at showing affection, but Elsie leaned her head into my hand to keep the contact. Trying to ease her mind, I said, “I’m just going to go for a walk. Maybe go climb up a tree and pretend to be a bird, or a squirrel. I definitely have the teeth to pass for a squirrel, don’t I?” Baring my two front teeth at her. Elsie gave a weak laugh, the grip on my hand lightening.

“But you won’t leave us, right Nor? You’re a part of our family.” Said Elsie. Something lodged itself deep in my throat, and I found it difficult to breathe.

“I won’t leave you,” I said. I pecked a small kiss onto Elsie’s forehead, and then stood up to leave. As I strode for the door I felt several pairs of eyes following me, including Elsie’s.

I opened the door and let it shut behind me, making sure it didn’t slam. My eyes searched the darkness for Matron Blithe, but she was nowhere to be found. She must have returned to bed. I hesitated as I faced Main Hall, my feet rooted to the ground beneath me.

Ten minutes ago, I knew I was determined to leave this orphanage and venture out into the world alone, but now I wasn’t so sure. Thirteen years stuck in a place meant for children without families when I knew that my real one was still out there had slowly turned me bitter. Deep down I had always hoped my parents would one day come for me, and we would be together again. But as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks into months and months into years, the hope had slowly diminished.

I hadn’t really gotten close to any of the girls here, and my excuse had always been that my family would come for me and I’d leave them all behind. If I didn’t get close to anyone, I wouldn’t have to say goodbye.

If they don’t believe me, I’ll bring them proof. I told myself. What that proof would look like, I had no idea, but I couldn’t completely abandon them either. They needed me as much as I needed them.

I turned to face the dormitory door, placing a hand against the thin wood. “I’ll come back,” I said, though I knew the others probably couldn’t hear me. “I promise.”