Envious Desire

Axle’s POV

I witnessed her excursion into my bedroom that first night. I could sense her presence as she skulked to the bed, tiptoeing to the opposite side. My eyes snapped shut just as she came into my peripheral, the bed dipped as she connected with the mattress. Erratic thumping ensued under my ribcage at her proximity.

It took all my reserve to quell my crazed desire to extend my arms, cocoon her in my affectionate embrace, and shield her in a blanket of love and security. Reaffirming to her, I am her shelter, her defense against any and all harm. I am her protector… I will always be here to safeguard her.

Instead, I laid statuesque, biding my time, exemplifying patience until I harkened her rhythmic breaths as she was swept into a serene slumber. When deemed safe, my eyes peeled apart at the rate of molasses, to observe her, silent and relaxed.

The horrid pigments of deep pomegranate, indigo and various hints of canary with scattered splotches of plum didn’t alter the beauty that lies beneath. The curve of her face, the plumpness of her lips, the angle of her beguiling eyes, the thickness of her lashes, all burst through beyond the sickening swarm of swarthy hues dominating her face. I craved to canopy her fragmented wrists within my loving hands as if my gentle touch could mend her atrocious lacerations.

Testing every ounce of my restraint, I examined her physique as her chest rose and fell with each soft breath craving to inhale her scent to mollify my longing for her propinquity, placing a cage on my everlasting inclination to have her within my grasp. Her needs far surpass my own that I hadn’t dared attempt to move a muscle in distress she would be alarmed by my benevolent touch. The most torturous by far was her trepidation of me. To have her so adjacent, but yet, the distance assassinates little morsels of anticipation for her return from the abyss.

Never had I envisioned our world would result in this, but if abstaining from affection or assistance is what she requires, I’ll fulfill her every need regardless of my own. Her stability and health is the only priority that is of significance.

My incessant need to assist her has caused more injury than aid. My head moves back and forth at the multiple deafening shrieks and terrified gazes bestowed upon me over the course of her infiltration into what would have been “OUR” home. By default, I crave to support every aspect of her life, but day and night she recoils from my helping hand, not for a moment meeting my gaze, not speaking a single word since that first day.

Her reluctance is beyond comprehensible however it does not diminish the urticate of her rejection. Her mutism has strangled the very air from my lungs as if a boa has it in its clutches sucking the life out of me. I implore in dire hopes she’ll dare utter a single syllable to grace my deaf ears.

All I desire is her expeditious recovery. To assist her in anything she requires but any assistance that is offered is met by a shrill screech accompanied by her rapid movement in any direction towards an exit.

At the recommendation of the doctor, I procured the assistance of a psychologist, a female. Wishful thinking of her speedy recovery has only been met with her unwillingness to verbalize a single utterance.

Day after day, silence was all the doctor was granted. Not even eye contact according to the therapist. On day four, I decided to indulge in a session to purge my festering emotions as Eric has been unreachable, returning my call or text hours, at times, days later. Shelly even expressed her frustration, mentioning his distance since their engagement, surmising their engagement may be the culprit.

Each recoiled touch sends an ice pick through my heart. The devastation of her mental state consumes me with stupendous guilt. The culpability for lack of her protection, the absence of my presence made her abduction a possibility.

Try as I can, understanding is not without its punishments. A constant distressing loop, echoing to myself, her reactions are not of a personal nature, but towards the terrifying recollections that reside within her mind.

But the shared eye gaze I seek, her coffee colored hues shriek in panic and trepidation, aching for the security of any location not neighboring my physique. Safety she once established within my powerful arms, now the site she dreads and sprints from.

I hunger for the marvelous days she once slumbered in serenity, enveloping her, drinking in her coconut infused tendrils. However, as strong as my desire for her flames within me, the therapist was able to recommend a group for people who assist those with PTSD for a deeper understanding of her trauma.

I had to acquire the skills, regardless of it shredding my heart to pieces, that my physical connection, only recalls that gruesome period of her time in capture.

My confusion lies in the ability for comprehension of Shelly to embrace her and her willingness for her touch. I had to gain an understanding that Shelly is her familiar. Shelly was once present in a time of trauma, years ago upon her return from the club. Shelly was a sanctuary for her, along with the fact Shelly announces her appearance whether by voice or sight. Chloe’s spheres locate her before any connection occurs, if ever. It’s as if Shelly requests permission with her actions.

I’m still too apprehensive to veer near her, let alone allow our skin to have an encounter. It’s devastating to have her within my proximity and unable to express my care for her.

I’m cognizant her avoidance has begotten a slight mental off putting. Mindful of her traumatization, I’m infinitely aware her backlash is not a repercussion of us, however, one can only endure so much rejection before it exasperates one’s mental state. Time… time is both my savior and my enemy, regardless of my mental state I will be amenable to her pace. The conduct of my expectations need to be rearranged to truly assist her in her recovery. I just ache to have the love of my life back.

Movement in the hallway captures my attention. Eyes veer towards her fragile physique, seeping hope and sadness. It’s unbearable to keep perched in my seat at the dining room table when all I crave is to cradle her in my adoring embrace.

Without any rationale, I allow her name to slip past my lips. “Chloe?”

Becoming rooted to the spot, her sienna hues track my vicinity, never glimpsing in my direction.

Exhaling a defeated breath, “I’m… I…” suddenly, I’m at a loss for words. I can only laser in on her concentration on the monotonous floor. “I’m here for you Chloe. I’ll always be here for you. There’s no place I belong other than by your side.”

Unmoved by my words, I commence my declaration, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll wait, by your side, until the day I die. You are everything to me. We can…” she shifts her weight from one foot to the other.

“It’s just necessary for you to be aware, you will never be in danger while there is still air circulating in my lungs. Fearing me is never something you need to concern yourself with. Receding from my touch is unnecessary. I’ll be patient for as long as you need.”

I stood aphasiac, observing her frail physique concluding this is my best next course of action. It’s a last, desperate attempt, in dire hopes she’ll even veer her coffee orbs in my direction.

“I only want you Chloe. I love you.” I whisper in the softest of octaves, vigilant to her reaction to my declaration, I’m met with… nothingness. My shoulders slump forward in execrable defeat, concealing my hands in my jean pockets as I heed her cross her feet to disappear down the hall once more.

Swiping a hand over my face, I extract my phone as her frame lessens in size, scrolling through my contacts landing on the one person who I’m confident can reach her.

The phone buzzes on the other side, a crescendo thump erupts in my head.

“Hello.”

“Shelly.”

“Hey Axle. How’s our girl doing today? I know I departed with haste this morning but I had an appointment I could not be unpunctual for.”

“Don’t concern yourself with that, it’s understandable.” Exhaling a defeated breath, “She’s unchanged… unresponsive, doesn’t consume any nourishment nor has she even attempted to glimpse in my direction.”

Her frustration is evident with the expulsion of a frustrated breath. I proceed with my plea for assistance, “I’m at a complete and utter loss Shelly. I’m unaware of any options at this point. I crumbled and expelled my emotions to her and she… she just… absconded the area without a backwards glance.” Expressing the words into the atmosphere triggered an ache to pound in my chest.

“Oh Axle, don’t take it personal. She just needs a moment.”

“I know, I understand… I just… I crave to have her back.”

Expelling another booming breath, “I know me too. She’ll come back to us, it’s inevitable. She just requires us to be patient and understanding.”

“I’m aware,” huffing out a thwarted breath, “it’s just, I never thought having her adjacent to me would seem so impossible or so… excruciating.”

Her sigh was exasperated and heartfelt. “You know what, I have an idea. Let me ring you back.”

“Of course.”

The call ends, placing the phone on the kitchen counter, I grip the island blanching my knuckles. I never would have contemplated this situation would have been so fucking difficult. I was cognizant this would be perplexing to an extent, but fuck!

Recollections of our merriment filled times together filter through my head like picturesque gifs flipping in a continual loop. Her infectious smile, her adorable laugh, her ability to chastise me like no other. Moments replay in my mind on repeat, relishing our once elated state. How I crave to recapture our once blissful state.

The phone wakes me from my trance. It’s Shelly. I hope whatever she has concocted will assist Chloe in her recovery.

“Hello.”

~~~~~

Axle is distraught, grasping at straws.

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