Chasing River

A Mutual Understanding

Dreamscape journal entry 2:

I FOLLOWED the trail of splattered blue paint through the woods until I found myself at an opening in a field of evergreen grass, and there stood a cottage.

I peeked in through the window to the tiny house in the countryside, the sun warm against my skin. The little cottage was made of the finest wood and was rough against my fingertips.

There was a young boy drawing at a table, his hair dark and skin porcelain, wearing a pair of overalls as he hunched over. I tapped gently at the window and he was bright and smiling when he stood up, I recognized him, he was the same one I’d seen before in the field except he was much older now. Maybe about twelve years old, no less than thirteen. He came over to me and opened the window, he seemed happier to see me this time.

“Hi,” I said waving at him.

“Look.” He spoke showing me the piece of paper he carried with him from the table, it was a drawing of a rainbow, he had purple, yellow, green, and blue staining his fingers from the crayons.

“Did you draw this?” I mused, “Wow.”

Just then there was a sudden sound of shoes clunking against the stairs, the boy turned to me and the colour drained from his face, he placed a finger over his lips.

“Shhh.” He hushed, “He said I’m not supposed to show anyone.”

“Who did?” I wondered, just as another young boy made his way down the stairs, the very moment he saw the other talking to me and showing me his drawing he panicked and raced over to us. Silently shaking his head at him, and tears filled the other boy’s eyes.

“But you promised!” He scolded, taking the drawing and scrunching it up, throwing it outside the window at me.

I turned around and fetched the drawing on the grass, but when I opened it up, the colours had completely faded and the once radiant rainbow was tainted black and white.

The very next morning I woke up in my bed, Keomi had left early to go to her first class of the day, I didn’t have any until the late afternoon. I sat up in bed and begun to write about my dream in my journal, ink scattered on the page. I then sat down at my table and started to paint the scene that appeared in my mind; a beautiful boy at a window, holding colourful crayons and a looming shadow behind him threatening to take that brightness away. Just then my cellphone begun to ring, I saw River’s name on the screen and smiled answering.

“Hey, why’re you up so early?” I greeted,

“I’m at the store.” He told me, responding plainly.

“Yeah, did you go buy groceries or something?” I pondered wondering why he’d called to tell me this.

“No, I bought a puzzle.” He stated, sounding a little excited about it.

“You went to the store…to buy a puzzle?”

“Yes.” He explained then there was a pause almost as if he were trying to find the words. “I wanted to make it with you.”

“How did you know?” I sighed placing my hand dramatically over my heart, “I happen to love making puzzles.”

“Really?” He reckoned, “Are you sure, I don’t want to bore you?”

“I could never…” I assured him, “Be bored of you.”

“Okay, then I will come over to yours and bring coffee.”

“No bring tea, milk tea.” I prompted,

“Whatever you want.” He soothed.

“Is that so?”

“Mhmm, anything for you.” He hummed in response.

“I’ll see you soon, Kennedy.”

“I’ll be there.” He assured me and then hung up.

When he arrived at my door wearing a woollen scarf and holding the coffee cups from the cafe down the street in one hand and a puzzle box in the other. I held his hand and led him inside and we sat down on the floor opposite each other, I lay out the puzzle between us spilling the pieces frantically and he smiled, his eyes crinkling in the corners.

“You’re cute.” He commented, sliding my milk tea over to me. The cup read for Armani, “I wrote that.”

“Thanks.” I nodded, taking a sip. “Can I admit something?”

“Consider me your vault.” He agreed.

“I don’t know much about puzzles, and I’m not that great at doing them either.” I confessed placing a few pieces together on the floor. “But I wanted to sit here, like this with you.”

“I know.” He commented, “I like just being here with you too.”

“River.” I sighed placing my hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes leaning into my touch, I swiped my hand over his bottom lip and I felt a shiver course through him.

“Just kiss me.” He asked and then my lips met his, and they never once wanted to part.

I’d just awoken from a nap when I heard my cell phone begin to ring, it was mama- of course, it was her. She hadn’t done her weekly phone call to make sure I’m still alive yet. And unfortunately for her, indeed I was. I sighed and held the phone to my ear,

‘Mama, I haven’t heard from you in a while.’ I greeted sarcastically,

‘It has only been a week ne?’ She retorted and I smiled knowingly,

‘Exactly.’ I said matter of factly but I didn’t think she getting the joke so I changed the subject, ‘How is home?’

‘Home is good, your aunty Fatima flew in to see us last week and she was staying in your old bedroom, she’s thinking of sending over her son- your cousin Jacob to stay with us for a while. She and her husband are having problems at home.’ Mama told me and I recalled how Aunty Fatima’s husband had put her into this situation once before.

It’s hard for a lot of women to get out of relationships when they aren’t financially independent. Apparently, aunty Fatima is only staying with him for the sake of her son, so if she sends him over to stay with my parents then she’ll stand a better opportunity to leave him once and for all. And I genuinely hope she does, she deserves better than a man who dares to lay his hands on his wife.

‘You should take Jacob in mama, give her a chance to sort things out with uncle,’ I suggested and mama sighed on the other end of the phone,

‘I guess Jaadi could use the company of another Kenyan boy his age, papa and I will think about it. It’s only that things have been hard at the company lately and feeding another mouth wasn’t exactly on our budget.’ Mama told me, I’d known things at papa’s company weren’t doing well this month.

‘Whatever you chose to do, I understand,’ I assured her,

‘You have a good heart taa yangu ya kwanza, this will either be your greatest strength or your weakness.’ Mama always called me that, taa yangu ya kwanza means my first light- because I was her first child. ‘We got your exam results back via email yesterday, I thought you told us you were studying hard?’

I’d gotten A*’s on nearly every subject except for trigonometry and Geography, I’d gotten a C and B in those. My parents couldn’t stand the thought of me failing because it meant that I’d be failing them. And it’s not like I hadn’t been studying, I’d been doing that the entire damn week and it still wasn’t enough. I hated that none of my efforts were ever really enough for them, sometimes I wished that just doing my best was all they’d ask. But that was just as likely to happen as hell freezing over.

‘I tried mama, I’ll do better next time ninaahidi,’ I promise but she remained unbothered,

‘Trying is not enough for women like you and I, you must come out on top.’ Mama asserted,

‘But mama all I’ve ever done is try!’ I burst out and immediately regretted it, placing my hand over my mouth.

‘You will not raise your voice at me Armani Oyana Nnandi. You will simply listen and do as you’re told as we sent you there to do. We expect better from you next time much better.’ Mama scolded, and then there was a beat of silence, ‘Are you coming home for the Thanksgiving holidays?’

I’d wanted to but now I was not so sure, maybe I didn’t want to see my parents again, maybe I needed a break to breathe and be free from their constant grasp on my life.

‘I don’t know.’ Was all I could think to say, ‘ I’ll probably be buried in my textbooks making sure I do much better.’

And then I did something I probably shouldn’t have, I hung up on her- for the first time. And it felt strangely empowering to have the last word with her, I never had. Sometimes I just needed her to be my mom, to hear me out, to have that unconditional love we are all told our moms are supposed to feel for us— ‘that love at first sight’ type of love from the day we’re born. I don’t think my mother had that, I think that from the day I was born I was nothing but a responsibility to her.

I decided I would spend the rest of the day actually studying trig and Geo because unfortunately my subconscious was tuned in to obey mama’s every command. I was eighteen for Christ’s sake and I still couldn’t rebel, I had this constant feeling that she was watching me. It was beyond exhausting, at some point Keomi came in and asked me why on earth I was studying when we’d only just gotten done with exam week.

I told her I didn’t know.

2 weeks later, Tuesday 23rd November

Fabian and I hadn’t really spoken since Halloween and I couldn’t blame him for it, he’d been avoiding both River and I every opportunity he got. Be it to wash his cat, finish homework or even go fishing- he’d used all the excuses in the book. Everyone kept saying that it would just be best to give him time, but just how much time is the time someone needs to get over the girl he liked choosing one of his best friends over him?

Keomi and I were curled up on her bed watching Skins again, I wondered why this show had a thing for killing off all the best main characters. I always found myself getting so attached to characters from tv shows that I would probably never meet, it was like I saw them through a screen and I wanted to go in with them because they brought me comfort. I did the same with Katniss Everdeen from the hunger games and Harry Potter and every character from the breakfast club.

It was merely because to my younger mind their lives seemed so much more interesting and I wanted more than anything at the time for me to look in the mail one day and receive my letter to Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. But that day never came, instead, I got my acceptance letter here.

And that sure as hell opened up Pandora’s box.

‘Oh come on I’m turning nineteen this year and even I still want to be Effy Stonem!’ Keomi whined and I laughed,

“Trust me when I say no you do not,” I stated.

‘Tony was hot though.” I pondered but she cut me off and pausing the laptop,

‘How dare you that’s pure blasphemy!’ Keomi chuckled with a gasp, ‘Everyone knows that Gen 2 Freddie was the hottest, and his British accent was beyond sexy.’

Just as I was about to debate Keomi like I was fighting for my rights my phone chimed and it was a text from River.

RIVER: Hi

ME: HEYYY 🙂

RIVER: Let’s go out.

ME: I’m watching skins with Keomi right now?

RIVER: Tony >> Effy

ME: I LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT-

ME: that’s the way to a girl’s heart

RIVER: Haha.

RIVER: Ice cream ?

ME: YES ICE CREAM.

ME: Come over rn so we can go to Meet Before It Melts

RIVER: I’m already at the door

Just then I heard a knock at the door and Keomi gave me a confused glare,

‘Promise you won’t be mad at me?” I grinned and she smiled knowingly before rushing to open the door.

And indeed, there was River wearing a grey sweater and plain black pants, he wore a pearl Vivienne Westwood necklace around his neck too along with the cross that he basically never took off. But there was something else, he had not one but two earrings on his left ear- I couldn’t believe he finally got the second piercing because he’d been talking about it for a while.

‘River you didn’t!’ I gasped and he turned so I could get a clear view of his new piercing,

‘I did it myself, do you like it?’ He asked and I nodded in agreement frantically,

‘I thought you said you’d let me do it,’ I added crossing my arms and he scratched his neck guiltily,

‘No offence intended but you and a needle near my skin doesn’t sound like the best idea.’ He told me and I was offended,

‘Do you not trust me?’ I asked and Keomi laughed,

‘Of course I do, just not in this case ma préfère.’ He assured me, tilting my chin up and looking me directly in the eye, I swear I melted.

‘I’ll wait outside.’ He told me before taking his keys out and going back outside.

‘Armani what the fuck!’ Keomi gushed excitedly,

‘What did he just call you?’

‘I don’t know-‘ I replied because it was true, I didn’t know because I wasn’t paying attention.

‘Ma préfère means my preferred one, since when were you his preferred one? God, I’m so single…’ she laughed, ‘I’m jealous, now he’s waiting for you so put on a sweater and go with him.’

As I threw my navy Harry Potter sweater over my head and put on my shoes I couldn’t help but smile to myself, was I really his preferred one? The thought was enough to make me feel the way I did in 3rd grade when my crush asked me to go play on the monkey bars with him. He’d gotten better at talking to me these past few weeks, he’d gotten better at being more affectionate with me too. Just never in public and I understood that.

He told me that it wasn’t that he didn’t want that with me, it was that he didn’t want everyone to see our own affection for each other. He said that it was something he wanted to share with me and me alone and I understood that. I was making an effort to do that lately, to actually talk to him instead of just getting mad and storming out like I usually did. If it was one thing River Kennedy was teaching me it was that patience really was a virtue.

I’m more of an extrovert and he’s more of an introvert I knew that meant that I’d have to adjust to a pace and create an environment in which we were both comfortable. I made my way back down to campus and I had spent so much time indoors lately that I’d forgotten we’d swept into the swing of autumn and it was just entering winter. I was always a lover of autumn, of the colours that were courageous and warm, strong, and yet a call to remember our earth and all she gave in the harvest months.

River was waiting for me by his suede black Porsche but I had another idea.

‘Let’s walk,’ I suggested remembering how Keomi had told me that it was better to walk sometimes,

‘Okay.’ He agreed and he walked beside me down the street, the ice cream parlour was only a few more blocks away.

‘I heard Monsieur Ettienne has you working on something special?’ I asked and River shrugged,

‘Yeah a painting for the critic Allard, she took a liking to my other painting so much she offered to commission me to paint one for her home.’ He told me and I was almost as excited as I’d have been if she’d asked me to do it.

This vicarious happiness felt so passionately ours.

‘I’m so fucking proud of you Kennedy,’ I assured him and his eyes lit up at my statement,

‘You’re kind,’ River told me and his pinkie interlocked with my own, a shy sort of intimacy.

‘Consider me your number one cheerleader.’ I beamed and he placed a kiss on my forehead.

River and I were seated in the corner of Aunty Sakala’s ice cream parlour, I ordered a cookie dough ice cream sundae and River ordered pistachio vegan ice cream that I’d tried and it was even better than mine. I wanted to try more but he’d promised to declare world war 3 on me if I dared to. Just then Aunty Sakala made her way over to our table with a younger-looking man who was about my age, he had darker skin like me and wise eyes just like her.

‘I do not mean to interrupt but I promised to introduce you to my son last time you were here.’ She beamed and he reached his hand out to shake mine,

‘I’m Muleya. It’s nice to meet a beautiful woman in Paris like yourself.’ He bantered and I smiled, River most definitely did not.

‘I’m Armani, it’s nice to meet you too, do you travel home often?’ I asked trying to make small talk,

‘No, not often anymore, I haven’t been in years now.’ He admitted to me, ‘I’d hate to forget my home.’

‘I haven’t been to Kenya in years too, and it’s almost like I can’t even remember what it looks and feels like to be amongst my own,’ I replied, it was nice to be able to relate to someone else on things like this.

‘I must ask, what’s your favourite home-cooked meal?’ He asked and I didn’t have to think twice to know the answer,

‘Definitely ugali.’ I defined and he smiled,

‘In Zambia, we call it Nshima while in Nigeria it is called Fufu, it’s my favourite too.’ He told me and I actually didn’t know that. ‘Did you not know?’

‘No, I- I actually didn’t, I know I should it’s just that I-‘ I begin but he cut me off,

‘It’s okay, you haven’t been home in a long time, it’s only normal to not know much about it. If you want to I can teach you all the things you want to know. I’m a culture and African history major.’ He suggested and it was a tempting offer but judging by the way River was awfully silent I know I shouldn’t and that there were hidden intentions behind his offer.

‘Um sorry I didn’t mention earlier but this is River,’ I said introducing the two,

‘Pleasure to make your acquaintance,’ River said monotonously, taking no interest in Muleya.

‘You too.’ Muleya added, ‘Well if you’re ever interested in taking me up on my offer, I’m usually here helping mama out at the shop.’ He reminded me and then just like that, he was gone.

‘He was just being nice,’ I assured River, but he avoided eye contact with me.

‘I know.’ River mumbled.

After we’d finished our ice cream I told River that we needed to talk and we found a spot beneath a tree, the late-night moonlight shone through the maple leaves giving this dreamlike glow. I could hear the crickets and nocturnal nightlife as a background to the scene. River was on the other side of the tree facing east, and I was seated on the grass on the other end facing west. We were trying this thing where when we had something to say that was hard we look in opposite directions so we didn’t have the pressure of looking the other in the eye.

I’d avoided this particular conversation for long enough.

‘What’s on your mind?’ I asked and he sighs,

“Nothing.” He lied,

“River…”

“Armani?”

“Be honest with me, won’t you?” I asked of him.

“It’s not important.” He mumbled.

“It is to me,” I assured him. “Your thoughts are very important to me.”

‘You’d be better off with a man like Muleya or even someone like Fabian.’ River mentioned, ‘And yet you chose me, why?’

“And here I was thinking it was you who chose me,” I responded incredulously.

“No.” He insisted, his voice stern and unwavering. “It was you, who chose me.”

‘Because there’s no one else.’ I admitted matter of factly, ‘And I don’t think there can be.’

‘We cannot ignore that we are so different.’ He hesitated and I shut my eyes, I knew this was coming.

‘Yes we are, and I am well aware that there are parts of me that you couldn’t possibly understand even if you tried.’ I assured him, “and if that is too much for you, then tell me now.”

“What?”

“If I am too much for you in any way, tell me now so you can go find less.” I expressed, rather bitterly at that.

‘Armani, you once told me that you sometimes feel as though I don’t see you, but I do, because you’re all I see. When you walk into a room it’s impossible not to see you. This, what I feel towards you is more than just an allure of sorts— It’s respect. I respect you and that of your culture more than anything. And our ability to acknowledge our differences makes me appreciate our bond even more.’ River told me and it was getting hard for me not to tear up, he reached his hand around the tree trunk and placed it over my own.

‘I care for you, I see you.’ He added and a tear slipped from my eyes and rolled down my cheek.

I appreciated this because it was all I’d ever really wanted; to be seen. He made his way over to me and brought me in for a kiss, his lips were soft and patient.

It was past midnight now and River was waking me back to my dorm room, we passed by Fabian on the way there who acted like he didn’t see us. River and I stood in the doorway and he kissed me passionately goodnight, so much so that we didn’t notice that the door to my dorm was already open.

And when I looked in to see who was in my heart stopped, and I dropped my purse.

It was mama.