Chasing River

Halloween Highs

THE NEXT DAY River Kennedy didn’t show up to school, which was odd considering he was never even late. Our friends kept asking me where he was like I’d know the answer, even Monsieur Ettiene asked me. And I gave them the exact same answer, I don’t know I don’t know I don’t fucking know. Because I didn’t and we weren’t exactly on speaking terms since everything that happened the day before.

I wanted him to know that he couldn’t treat me like that, like I was an option on a menu he could pick and choose when he wanted whenever he wanted. Sometimes I wondered what it’d be like to take a trip into his mind, to see the world the way he does, to understand what only he understands, to just know for sure what he felt for me. That’s if he felt anything for me, well, that I wasn’t so sure of anymore.

I mean there I was standing in the doorway of Victoria’s party on Halloween night while everyone else was drunk off their asses and playing a not-so-appropriate version of trick or treat in the foyer. I looked up at the security camera, I looked pretty and felt even prettier. I managed to find this mint-condition Guardian Angel costume with Fabian at a thrift store downtown. I had glitter in places glitter shouldn’t be and my wings were starting to feel awfully heavy.

‘I see a certain little bird grew some wings? Glad you made it.’ Victoria’s voice threw me out of my trance and she looked absolutely breathtaking in her sexy kitten costume, which had an awful lot of lace and faux fur. ‘But don’t stand outside and mope you’re getting all your emotions on my patio.’

‘Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind.’ I smiled apologetically and her expression turned more understanding than playful.

‘You’ve got it bad for this one hm?’ She realized placing a hand on my shoulder before digging in her purse for some lip gloss before applying it on her lips and then kissing me so it rubs off on me.

‘Put your lips together.’

I smoothed the lipgloss onto my own lips and automatically felt ten times more confident than I actually was.

‘Thanks,’ I said as she fluffed up my white wings to give them more poofyness.

‘Don’t worry about it.’ She acknowledged then proceeded to look over her shoulder at the party raging behind her, ‘Now rumour has it there are two angels at this party and they are destined to collide tonight.’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked but she was already going back inside and heading straight to the bar,

Just then my eye met that of another angel across the room, he was wearing all black and even his wings were tinted obsidian. Dark as night. I wondered if he’d copied my costume, but there was little to no chance of that, he couldn’t have known. He had glittery tears painted on his flawlessly sculpted porcelain face, hues of silver, purple, blue, and gold. And people looked at us like we’d intended on matching, I even got a few compliments on our unintentional duo costume here and there.

I wanted to ask him what the hell he was doing here but then I remembered he was invited and I couldn’t get mad at him for attending, I couldn’t feel irate towards him for anything. And it was for that exact reason that I joined Victoria and Keomi at the bar and took a single shot of tequila. I had no intention of getting wasted tonight, I just wanted to let loose and have some fun for once.

I wanted to not care about River Kennedy for one night.

The alcohol burned my throat as I swallowed but it immediately went to my head and made me feel like I could do anything, say anything and be anything. I made my way over to Fabian who was dancing all by himself and that was the beginning of the first bad decision I made that night.

‘You look awfully lonely Fabian,’ I commented and Fabian followed his eyes in amusement,

‘Not at all, I was just about to ask the prettiest girl in the room to dance with me.’ He assured me,

‘Well, then you should go do that!’ I encouraged,

‘Will you dance with me?’ He asked and oh god this was the first time being called pretty made me feel guilty.

‘Uh- I-‘ I murmured and then my eye caught River’s and he was watching Fabian and I intently, he was daring me, challenging me and I wasn’t about to crack under pressure, ‘Of course.’

Triggered by Chase Atlantic began to blast through the speakers and the music took over my body and I almost forgot I was dancing with Fabian for a moment. I wanted him to be River, I wished he were River and so in my mind, for this moment I pretended he was. I writhed to the rhythm up and down his body and his dark brown pupils appeared entranced and dilated and I smiled knowing River was watching.

I wanted him to watch and see the power I held over him, I wanted him to know damn well that he wasn’t the only one who could make me feel alive and that he wasn’t the only man for me. That I could have whoever I wanted whenever I wanted just like him. And Fabian wasn’t protesting, he most definitely wasn’t protesting. But then River did something I didn’t expect, he retaliated.

Before I knew it he was dancing with a random blue-eyed blonde girl I recognized from school but I couldn’t exactly pinpoint, she was getting into it, really into it. She had her lips on his neck and her hands in his hair, she was everywhere on his body I wished I was.

‘If you’re going to challenge the devil you have to learn to play like you’re in hell.’ Fabian whispered in my ear, ‘When he plays dirty, you play dirtier.’

‘Let’s play,’ I replied and Fabian’s teeth nipped at my earlobe ever so slightly and I shut my eyes, I kept moving to the rhythm along with him but just then I felt someone pull me away from him.

‘What the hell Kennedy!’ Fabian scoffed, ‘She can do whatever she wants, she’s not your goddamn property.’

‘I’ve been patient enough with you Fabian, don’t make me have to show you just how protective I am of what’s mine.’ River sneered getting daringly close to Fabian who looked almost terrified now. I don’t think I’d ever seen River that serious and that angry.

‘Leave me alone.’ I challenged, trying to untangle myself from his grip but he didn’t let go, he simply lead me along to the upstairs balcony.

The cool Parisian midnight air swept over me and I looked up at the night sky which was aligned with an array of stars.

‘Is that really what you want?’ He asked, ‘If it is I’ll let go, I’ll let you go.’

My heart sank and I didn’t know what to say, all I knew was that I had to stand my ground to get what I wanted, what I deserved.

‘I don’t want to be your ‘what if’ anymore!’ I argued, shoving him back, ‘I’m sick of all the mixed signals and emotions, tired of getting lost in translation with you, for once can we speak the same language?’

‘Armani listen to me-‘ he began but I cut him off once more,

‘I’ve been listening to you this entire time, I’m done listening I want you to just be honest with me!’ I snapped,

‘Armani I-‘ he began but I shoved him back again,

‘I’m standing right in front of you, I’ve been standing right in front of you showing you how I feel and you still don’t see me.’ I dismissed, ‘Why don’t you see me River I-‘

‘I’m sorry,’ River said cutting me off and I stopped talking, he was…. apologising?

‘No, you’re not, you say that now but who’s to say you’ll mean it a few days from now?’ I fought,

but he didn’t move so I shoved him even harder because I was angry and I was tired of getting hurt by him every time I opened up. He didn’t stop me, he just watched me and let me get all my anger out. ‘I just… want you to care, I just want to be yours.’

‘You are.’ River chastised and my heart sunk, ‘And I’m yours whether I like it or not. I’ve never been good with words which I believe you’ve come to know, but you’ve taken hold of me. You have enraptured every waking fibre of my being and I had no say in the matter. I don’t know how they say it in English but Armani tu me possède.’

You possess me.

‘You don’t mean that…’ I wavered stumbling back,

‘You said that you and I can’t be anything.’

‘Forget what I said, listen to what I’m saying now,’ he took a deep breath before he said, ‘it’s you.’

“It’s me?” I muttered in disbelief,

“It has been you since the day we first crossed paths.” He assured me, his eyes frantic and desperate. “Call it chance, call it whatever you want but all I know is that you venture through the palace of my mind like you own it, and what’s far more wicked is that you really do.”

‘Oh, River I-‘ I began but this time it was he who cut me off,

‘Let me show you how sorry I am.’ He declared and I didn’t know exactly what he meant until he moved closer towards me and I took a step back and I leaned against the balcony. We’re two floors up from the cold concrete. ‘Let me show you what I can’t bring myself to say.’

He moved closer and the only other place I could move to would be to fall off the edge, either way, I was going to face a near-death experience, either by the concrete or death by River Kennedy. And the latter sounded far more pleasurable. Before I knew it his lips were on mine, his kiss was much more forceful this time, it was as though he were claiming me with every stroke of his tongue on mine. He attempted to wrap his hand around my neck, I smiled at the contact and his eyes lit up when I did so,

‘Show me how sorry you are Kennedy…’ I wrapped my hand around his neck too because I wanted to see his reaction.

I wanted to see what River Kennedy would do when he didn’t have all the control. I felt him swallow hard under my touch before he took the stronger grip and I let go before he kissed me hungrily. And at that I melted for him, I let out a soft moan into his mouth and that must’ve snapped whatever leash he had restraining him because he lifted me up into the air and I wrapped my legs around his torso before tilting my head back and letting him feast on my neck.

Under normal circumstances, I would’ve been terrified that I was hovering over a three-story building but his arms were the only thing keeping me from falling over the edge but In the most bizarre way, I trusted him. I trusted him as he nipped at my neck with his teeth and had his hot mouth claiming me as his own. He led me back to the room that we’d had to sneak into to get the balcony. It definitely wasn’t Victoria’s room, it appeared desolate, it was definitely a guest room. Regardless, any previous owners of this room didn’t matter.

Because we were about to make it our own.

We fumbled into the room closing the door behind us and locking it, the only light came bleeding from the moon through the Victorian window. I traced my fingers over River’s face, his straight nose, his sharp cheekbones, and the fullness of his lips before they met mine. I gasped slightly at the suddenness of it all, he reached his hand behind my neck and kissed me like that was but all he had been made to do. His lips moved to my neck, warm and all-consuming, his touch feather-light yet feverish. I sighed as his hands glided down to the small of my back, moulded perfectly into me, almost as if we were crafted to be that way. “Please.” He whispered toying with the strings of my corset, the white ropes dancing between his long slender fingers. “I want to…try this.”

“Try what?” I wondered my mind dizzy with sweet pleasure.

River’s lips curved into a small cunning smile before he began to undo the ropes, one by one without even turning me around to look.

Then he spun me around, tore my dove white wings off, and made a devil out of me.

The cool breeze met my bare skin as his fingers skilled and quick with every movement as he slowly begun to leave a trail of soft kisses down my torso, his nails digging into my thighs etching me with the mark of his desire.

“This.” He sighed in response, his voice merely a plea as he bit his lip, then licked it, wetting it. He fell to his knees before me, and I felt almost honoured at the gesture. Looking up at me with doe eyes before his fingers slipped the fabric down my legs and I thread my fingers through the dark lochs of his hair.

‘Do you trust me?’ He asked,

‘More than anything,’ I assured him and I did, I don’t know why I do but I did.

I realised the hidden connotations behind his affection, he was slowly working towards forgiveness, because that’s exactly what he was doing- earning his forgiveness by bringing me pleasure to make up for all the pain.

“Je veux que tu me montres comment…” he asked, I want you to show me how. I nodded silently in response.

Before I knew it he had access to all of me, every inch of my skin was his map to my destination.

“River?” I whispered as I closed my eyes, tilting my head back as my knees felt weakened by him.

“Hm?” He mumbled in response far too preoccupied.

“Don’t stop,” I asked of him as his head disappeared between my legs.

It felt like pure ecstasy had gone off inside of me waves of pleasure radiated in pulsing beats outward from my very soul. Waves of euphoria radiated in pulsing beats outward from the epicentre of the explosion for seconds, sometimes minutes, followed by total relaxation. River gazed up at me and smiled knowingly.

It felt like nothing mattered. Every concern, responsibility, and every guilty feeling went away. At this moment I let everything go and connected with myself in a way I never had before, I was so happy I’d shared this experience with River too. I was so happy I didn’t realise it then but I forgave him, for everything.

‘You’re so beautiful.’ He said between kisses before sliding down and leaning his head on my belly and I ran my fingers through his raven hair as our breaths filled the room.

‘I wish I could be the perfect person for you, the one you deserve.’ He mumbled against my skin,

“And yet?” I teased, but then I realized he wasn’t joking.

“And yet I am the furthest thing from it.” He reminded me, “I am so ardently flawed in all the most discernible places.” He told me.

“Then I am willingly blind,” I stated.

“What?” He perplexed sitting up but I eased him back down to lean on me.

“In my eyes, all your flaws will appear like highlights to your very being, and all your mistakes to which you believe are so detectable will appear intentional,” I promised him, half-jokingly, half-not.

“You mean that?”

“Indeed, Kennedy.”

“Oh.” He smiled against my skin.

‘I never wanted perfect, all I ever wanted was you,’ I assured him, and I actually meant it.

River and I lay there for a while mostly because I still needed to regain my composure and contemplate on everything that just happened in this bed a few moments ago. But in that moment as the moonlight shone through the balcony and he lay between my bare thighs as I ran my hands through his raven hair- on this fair Halloween night I knew. I knew that I would give anything to feel alive that way again.

It was as though back home in Kenya and even in Jacksonville I was dormant, a sleeping soul who simply needed something- or someone to wake her up. When I met the incredible anomaly that was River Kennedy, he ignited something deep within me that would never know rest again. I had no choice but to erupt and be anywhere but my comfort zone.

He looked up at me, with his curious blues as though he wanted to say something. And if there was something I’d learned, it was that with River you had to drag his words out of him. I smiled and decided it was time to speak after a full twenty minutes of just laying here.

‘What’s on your mind, Kennedy?’ I asked tilting my head in question,

‘Was that good for you?’ He asked and I laughed, not because I found his question ridiculous but because I thought it was obvious enough that it was practically magical.

‘It was more than good,’ I assured him and he got up and placed his hands on either side of me so he was hovering on top of me and looking me in the eye. “It was amazing.”

‘I’ve never done that before.’ He admitted and to say I was shocked was an understatement. I would’ve thought guys like River had all the experience in the world, with all the girls practically hunting him down. ‘Could you tell?’

‘No one has ever done that for me.’ I expressed and his expression softened, ‘And no I couldn’t.’

‘On peut le faire quand tu veux.’ River said, his voice deep and sultry as he mumbled into the nape of my neck. We can do that whenever you want.

It took me a moment to unscramble and translate what he said in my head, fast fluent French still wasn’t my strong suit.

‘Fuck sorry, living in Paris for the past few years makes it sometimes hard to speak English constantly. French is still my first language and to be honest I only ever really speak English when I’m around you.’ He apologised,

‘You sure are full of apologies today.’ I teased, ‘It’s okay you need practice anyways.’

‘We should probably head back downstairs before we get caught.’ River realized turning to look at the chair we’d used to block the door.

‘Doubt anyone’s missing us.’ I groaned reaching to pull him back onto the bed with a chuckle.

When my lips met his once more it was the reassurance I needed, it was the breath I didn’t even know I was holding, it was everything that went unsaid. His lips were becoming strangely familiar now, and I remembered when I wished for just that. That one day his kiss on my lips would be familiar and not so foreign. I reluctantly slipped back into my Angel costume only to remember that my wings were torn.

The memory of his hands fiercely stripping me of my clothes flashes in my mind and oddly enough I didn’t regret a thing. I had the glitter from his makeup look all over my body, and I most certainly wasn’t complaining. I picked up what was left of my wings and we made our way out the door and into the seemingly empty corridor.

‘I was never an angel anyways.’ I proclaimed as River tied up the ribbons of my corset,

‘Now to that I can agree.’ He added and I laughed as I heard footsteps making their way up the stairs, I turned my head to see who it was and it was Fabian.

‘Armani?’ Fabian spoke as he examined the scene and I had to admit we looked beyond guilty.

The look in his doe-brown eyes alone was enough to make me feel like the most terrible person on the planet. And it was then that I realised that I had done to him exactly what River had done to me, Fabian was my collateral damage just as I was River’s. That’s the thing about broken things, they can’t help but cut even those who were only trying to pick up their pieces.

‘Fabian, it’s not what you think.’ Is the only thing I could think to say, because what else could I have possibly said?

“That sounded like a Disney Channel line—”

“Kennedy, quiet,” I warned him.

My mind was racing with apologies; I’m sorry that you’re not the one, I’m sorry that you probably never were and that you never will be. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see what a shitty thing I was doing when I was doing it. I lead him on, I had strung him along for too long and it was time to cut the cord and let him go. Because Fabian Lyon was one of the most extraordinary humans I’d ever let and he deserved better. Better than me. And it was for that reason that when he asked,

‘It’s him isn’t it?’ Looking me directly in the eye and not daring to glance at River, that I had to say.

‘It was always him, Fabes, I’m sorry,’ I explained and Fabian shut his eyes for a moment before nodding in careful understanding. His eyes met Rivers for a brief second and that was when he said,

‘You don’t deserve her.’ Fabian scorned,

‘I know.’ River replied simply,

‘But she really cares about you for some reason. Don’t ruin the best thing you’ve got going for you, Kennedy.’ Fabian declared before reaching into his pocket and handing me what looked like a charm for a keychain.

As he placed it in the palm of my hand I realised that it was a tiny snow globe with a tropical forest inside it, which I recognized as the Kakamega Rainforest back home in Kenya. Tears began to well in my eyes and my heart hurt. I couldn’t bear to lose him as a friend. I couldn’t bear to lose him at all.

‘A little piece of home.’ He smiled sadly before making his way back down the stairs. I tucked the little charm into my purse and turned to look at River who seemed slightly withdrawn at the scene.

‘Do you-‘ he began but I knew exactly what he was going to ask,

‘No I don’t, he’s just my friend,’ I assured him stepping closer towards him,

‘I didn’t mean to-‘ he began, but I could already see the uncertainty and worry on his face so, I cut him off once more, I placed both my hands on either side of his face as he leaned his forehead and pressed it against mine.

‘I know you didn’t, it’s okay.’ I declared, ‘It was bound to happen this way, and Fabian will understand eventually. Be it today, tomorrow, or even months after- why I had to choose and why it had to be you.’ I explained with my eyes shut.

‘Thank you, Armani,’ River said, his voice which was usually so strong, almost inaudible.

‘What on earth for?’ I asked with a little laugh,

‘For making things easier for me, for letting me breathe, and for making everything hurt a little less.’ He told me and I wanted to hug him so badly, but even though I’d had him between my legs embracing him still seemed like something so incredibly intimate.

So I just held his hand and he squeezed mine back and it made my heart flutter, this had to be one of the best feelings in the world. As much as I really didn’t want to, I decided to disappear for a little bit and find our other friends. Fabian was on the lounge chair having a seemingly heavy conversation with a certain sharp-tongued host from London.

Keomi and Mer were laughing at the bar and I made my way over to them and they greeted me with sympathetic eyes.

‘You finally let him down easy huh?’ Mer sighed glancing at Fabian and taking a sip of her drink,

‘How’d you know?’ I asked and she shrugged,

‘I may have heard it down the grapevine.’ She murmured and I gave her a sad little laugh pulling up a barstool next to them.

‘I feel like a total dick.’ I groaned, ‘He looked so…hurt.’

‘Fabian is like a little kid sometimes, he sees something he likes and clings onto it for dear life and when he can’t have it he loses his shit,’ Keomi told me and I could tell she’d had a few drinks, she was only ever this brutally honest when she’s tipsy.

‘He did the exact same thing last year with Elle.’ Mer told me, ‘He pined over her for months and when he finally got close enough to her he found out she was only using him to get Mr tall, brooding and handsome.’

‘Well he wasn’t brooding then Mer, he was a lot more free-spirited if you will,’ Keomi added and I couldn’t imagine River Kennedy being even remotely free-spirited.

It was almost like there was this entire season I missed of a TV Show I was starring in, like I had to fill in the blanks with nothing but my own imagination and the little bits and pieces of information people told me. It was like there was this entire chapter of his life and this whole different version of him I missed. And if I was being honest it bothered me at first.

I kept pushing him and our friends to tell me the truth about everything that happened, I was basically forcing them to do the one thing they swore they never would- live through the past. All they ever wanted to do was move on and I’d made it nearly impossible.

My gaze caught River’s who was waiting by the entrance for me with his car keys in hand.

‘I think I’m growing to like all versions of him,’ I admitted and Mer gave Keomi a knowing look.

‘We saw you guys heading upstairs, have a fun night?’ Keomi asked,

‘I don’t kiss and tell.’ I assured them, ‘Now if you’ll excuse me I think I’m going to turn in for the night.’

‘Remember what I said about protection, I’m serious Armani, our friend group isn’t ready to put up with a combination of the both of you.’ Keomi recounted and I rolled my eyes playfully before making my way back to River who wrapped his arm around me.

Somehow I always found my way back to him.